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Picks and Iceholes
Game ID: 298937
Posted By: Benn-Salian on Friday November 27, 2009 7:51 PM

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Benn-Salian


Ordo Terra: Scholar
RK: 7
MP: 1,952


Member Since:
December 2002


Friday November 27, 2009 7:51 PM

Picks and Iceholes

It has never been advisable to befriend a wild animal. Every mother and father scolded unwary children of the dangers of feral animals. These creatures were vicious and often brutal, not to mention disease ridden. And once in a while, one may come across one that is undead.

Trots Yummypu-Kantstahnd had not the luxury of over-worrisome parents and thus found himself keeping such a creature as a pet. Nixon, was an undead mole rat and not quite content living in the gully dwarf's pocket. It expressed its displeasure by defecating as much as it could in the pocket. Trots didn't seem to mind all that much, finding that it made him smell slightly better on the whole.

The gully dwarf had almost been forced to get rid of Nixon when the Knight Commander, Ake, found him in the medical ward. Apparently the mole rat had decided to gnaw off the pinky and index finger on his right hand while the gully dwarf sleep soundly. Trots had hidden the undead mole rat in locations unknown (you don't want to know) so that he needn't lose the best friend he had in the world.

Those two fingers were later fashioned into a key chain of arguable taste. When anyone questioned him about it, Trots would refer to them as his lucky fingers. That begged the typical question, They were bitten off by an undead mole rat, how is that lucky? and the typical response was And me still didn't lose them, did me? Trots was ever an enigma.

Today, Trots sat under a large elm tree awaiting a man that he recently hired. Autumn had come to the village of Quintagaia and an earthy smell wafted through the village streets. Trots took a deep breath and was able to identify the smell of crisp leaves and cinnamon and ginger being used in the kitchens. Another deep breath was fouled by the stench of the gully dwarf's pocket. "Oh, Nixon,' Trots chuckled to himself.

A loud jangling could be heard as the man that Trots had hired came up the cobbled road. The man was short in statue and Trots soon noticed that he was not a man after all, but a kender. The jangle sound came from various weapons that hung from the kender's ornate belt. Many of these weapons appeared to be grenades. The kender reached a hand forward. "Hello my name is Bobass Bottom-knot and I will be you Soldier of Fortune for the day. If it's not too much trouble please direct to the closest bakery, I am in need of a cheese danish."
A lopsided, goofy grin covered the kender's face.

Trots shrugged his shoulders, "Try the Peg and Hole?" The kender quickly took off without another word and the gully dwarf was forced to follow. Halfway to the Peg and Hole, an object fell from Bobass's fancy belt. Most people would have taken cover or prayed to their favorite god, the gully dwarf was too dense to do anything and it was a lucky thing for him that what had dropped was an empty can of tuna. Maybe there was something to those fingers after all...

At the Peg and Hole, Bobass quickly forgot that he had gone there for a cheese danish abut was happy with the ale they offered him. He turned to Trots, now seated next to him at the bar. "What can I do for you?"

"Me looking for Trots's parents," Trot's explained, "Trots's adopted parents. Me told that they were Lord and Lady of Hidiougroogly. That make Trots the Heir of Hidiougroogly. Me not know anymore than that, but me have it in a letter that was sent to Trots." The gully dwarf produced a note and allowed the afflicted kender to look at it.

Bobass read the letter through, it spoke of a smelly kender mage and a crippled dewar dwarf but little else. He had hoped the letter would give him a glimpse as to where the lands of Hidiougroogly could be found but it wasn't any use. He could not gleam it himself.

"Bobass Bottom-knot is on the case!" the kender announced to himself, the gully dwarf and another half dozen patron who didn't give a crap in the least, "this will be extremely difficult. Too difficult for Detontrophe and too challenging for Ballsar. Heck I doubt that Samsterd and Madong could handle it even!"

[Edited by Benn-Salian on Tuesday, December 1, 2009 4:19 PM]


 
DarkDalamar20


Ordo Ignis: Scholar
RK: 13
MP: 6,311


Member Since:
April 2002


Thursday December 3, 2009 11:03 AM

RE: Picks and Iceholes

With a start, Ballsar woke from the nightmare. His head was still filled with boob-less women, dry orifices, and various other sexual disasters. As Mayor of Pepsi Cola, Ballsar was treated to a rather large Villa built on a hill overlooking the sprawling city. Shrugging off the sweat soaked blankets, Ballsar shuffled over to the large windows and threw open the curtains. The morning sun sat low on the horizon causing Ballsar to groan as it already promised to be a hot day.

Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, Ballsar turned from the window and eyed the empty bed. It had been several months since Straea had left on her womanly adventures. When she'd be back or where she had gone was unknown to Ballsar, though he hoped that wherever she was, she was safe...and her luscious breasts were properly supported.

After getting dressed, Ballsar headed downstairs where he was greeted with many smiles from his serving staff. Life as mayor had been a happy one for the dwarf. Little work, no wars, minimal kender, it was paradise. The only downfall was the daily court cases that Ballsar had to attend. They ranged from alleyway rapings, kender intrusions, murders, etc. Today promised to be no different. With a groan, Ballsar clomped into the lavishly decorated meeting room to listen to today's problems.

First up to the podium was a farmer who was complaining a cow entered his home in the middle of the night and had drawn nude pictures of him. Ballsar sank deeper into his plush chair. Hanging on the wall behind the chair was a rather worn battle ax. The dwarf smiled fondly as he turned and looked at the chipped blade, the smooth leather handle, the blood stains still smearing the crevices. Oh, what fun he had had while on his adventures over the years.

"Are you listening to me? The cow was stroking it's udders while painting me! I'll never forget the poses it made me get into!" The farmer broke into a sob.

With another deep groan, Ballsar turned to dispense his wisdom. "One day, I'll get back out there..." he thought to himself. "one day..." The dwarf rubbed his temples as the next plantiff to enter the meeting room seemed to be a shaven minotaur with two kender impaled on it's horns.

"Zeboim's Golden anal beads..." Ballsar groaned. It was going to be a long day.


 
Benn-Salian


Ordo Terra: Scholar
RK: 7
MP: 1,952


Member Since:
December 2002


Monday December 7, 2009 5:14 PM

RE: Picks and Iceholes

"Do you really think he can help?" Trots asked the kender mercenary feverently.

"The dwarf is now king in PepsiCola, he and Marderfarker are the only royalty that I know personally - and I once killed Marderfarker, so we shouldn't bother him further," Bobass Bottom-knot explained.

He winced as another of his weapons from his horde, this time the rapier, caught the back of his calf as he walked. The two adventurers had taken their leave of Quintagaia and CoG two days prior and they neared PepsiCola. The castle, until recently, was abandoned on the fringes of the Plains of Dust, Silvanesti and the exotic regions of Marderfarker.

It was through these exotic regions that Bobass's battle prowess was challenged by a particularly hostile newt. The amphibian stood on its back haunches to get a better look, or as the kender feared, to threaten the adventurers. Bobass reached towards his cache of murderous implements and retrieved his nun-chucks. He waggled the weapon as menacingly as he could manage in front of the newt. It was assumed then that the newt lost all malicious intent (and control of his bowels as Bobass would later claim) and took off deeper into the exotic regions. "Haha, try that again bitch!" Bobass taunted defiantly.

Eventually, kender and gully dwarf found themselves in the receiving hall of PepsiCola, the stronghold of the dwarf, Ballsar Rockhard. The decor had change quite significantly since the companions of old had made their way through over a year ago. Where there was once defecation and ruin now boasted granite tiles and marble statues of beautiful women in various stages of ecstasy. In every piece of work, the kender found it hard to NOT notice, was a familiar randy dwarf in his naked glory. It was hard to admit that the rockhard package featured in the art wasn't far off the mark. "Help me out Trots, we need to find out which one of these statues is the real Ballsar Rockhard!" The fingers of kender and gully dwarf began poking each marble dwarfhood in a process of elimination.

"What are you doing?" a large thanoi (most likely of the eunuch variety, Bobass assumed) demanded, "this is the royal halls of the Sexking, Ballsar the First."

"Exactly!" Bobass agreed and then pondered to what he agreed to, "Tell that dwarf to give us an audience or I'll throw him down the stairs again!" The afflicted kender worked himself into a sweat.

The Eunuch Thanoi crossed its fin-like arms across its chest and merely stared at the kender and considered if it had contracted rabies.

"This here is a genuine prince of the Hidiougroogly Lands, he has a letter claiming he has such inherited such heritage," Bobass asserted, "now let us pass!"

"I am Eunuch Thanoi,(Bobass: Ha!) I am unconcerned," the thanoi doorman insisted as stubbornly as possible.

"It is of no use, I assure you," a new voice called from beside one of the statues depicting Ballsar engaging in elven sodomy. "The walrus man rarely changed his tune."

The voice belonged to a rather young, unassuming emo-ssassin. He was lithe, with wavy chestnut hair and carried a mandolin on one hip and a discreetly hidden garrote on the other. He wore very fine clothes but seemed uncomfortable in them, as if they were not his own or undeserved. "You may call me Strings," the emo-ssassin offered as he saw that the two other adventurers had yet to say anything.

"I am Bobass Bottomknot, I'm a Soldier of Fortune and the hero of this story," the kender announced and as a second thought added, "and this is Trots, he is a gully dwarf."

"Ah, well met fellow companions," Strings announced straining a smile, "I assume you have a plan to see the king. I wanted to play Ode of The Beautiful Death for his highness. Do you have such a plan?"

"Of course I do!" Bobass exclaimed, "wait, no I don't..."

[Edited by Benn-Salian on Monday, December 7, 2009 5:22 PM]


 
jojo


Initiare
RK: 1
MP: 28


Member Since:
March 2009


Wednesday December 9, 2009 12:55 AM

RE: Picks and Iceholes

The captain of the guard stood outside the main hall. Down the hallway came a gnome dressed in the garb of the guard.

"Sir your going to want to see the two that just came to the entrance hall." the gnome said as he moved toward his frightening captain.

The captain of the guard appears to be a winged dwarf made of stone. His flesh is not truly rock, but it has the texture and coloration of marble. His hair is dark, as is his eyes, all closely matching his skin coloration. He sports a large set of bat like wings, which seem to be fully functional.

The thanoi and the emo-ssassin in the receiving could hear heavy foot falls coming down the hall. The thanoi made way for who he knew would soon come through the door.

The door swung open and the imposing captain stepped into the room. "I am Hari (pronounced Harry) Anklespanker, captin of the guard here. What is your business?"

[Edited by jojo on Wednesday, December 9, 2009 12:56 AM]


 
Benn-Salian


Ordo Terra: Scholar
RK: 7
MP: 1,952


Member Since:
December 2002


Wednesday December 9, 2009 4:43 PM

RE: Picks and Iceholes

"What is my business? My business?" Bobass questioned the captain with a hint of irateness noted in his voice, "my business is cookies and business is good!" Bobass waited a moment for the laughtrack to subside even though no such laughtrack ever began. "Actually we're here to see the king. He is a close, personal friend - I even pushed him down the stairs once."

Pfffbbbttt...

The gully dwarf turned three shades of red as the sound was soon linked to his general location and everyone (except the eunuch thanoi) looked over as Trots. "That was Nixon," he quickly lied. A fine cover up.


 
DarkDalamar20


Ordo Ignis: Scholar
RK: 13
MP: 6,311


Member Since:
April 2002


Thursday December 10, 2009 9:52 AM

RE: Picks and Iceholes

Leonardo Monte'oglo was a simple man. He had simple tastes. Dressed plainly in brown leather pants and tan tunic, he would be someone much overlooked if you were to see him in a crowd. His mediocrity, however, is what led him to become the best man-servant that a Dwarf could own. Leonardo came to Ballsar shortly after the dwarf became the o'exalted one of PepsiCola. The simple man had left his small village in search of greater meaning in life. He was a devout believer of Paladin - he eventually hoped to one day become a Templar in service to the God of Good. But, right now, Leonardo was elbow deep in a....large tub of the dwarf's laundry. The story as to how he became Ballsar's man-servant is much too difficult to explain. Let's just say it involved a lot of bribery, sexual favors, and a few I.O.U's written on napkins and used condom wrappers. Leonardo couldn't complain though, he had a well paying job. And, while he had no interest in the sexual conquest that often took place in his lord's manor, he was happy to provide Ballsar with everything he requested.

Straightening and working a kink out of his back, Leonardo looked at his reflection in the mirror. His simple brown hair was combed back, causing his much too large nose to be quite pronounced. He had been made fun of before for the size of his shnoze, but now that he was the unofficial second most powerful man in PepsiCola - no one said it to his face. Leonardo smiled at his luck. He spoke with Ballsar's voice. He had sat in on quite a few of Ballsar's meeting when the dwarf was otherwise...in disposed. This gave Leonardo a great knowledge of the city and it's inhabitants.

Striking a fighting pose in the mirror, Leonardo practiced his best Templar salute - then began folding his Master's underwear.

Pfffbbbttt...

The sound was so loud from the anteroom down the hallway, the Leonardo thought for a second that it was he himself that had just broken wind. After a cursory sniff, he realized that it must have indeed came from another section of the Villa.

"What is going on here?" Leonardo crossed his arms as he entered the antichamber to see A kender, gully dwarf, and what looked to be an emoassassin all standing there in various poses of disgust. The gully dwarf was staring at the ground and kicking his toes back and forth, hoping the others would soon ignore him.

"I said, what's going on here?" Leonardo repeated.

"They want audience with the Lord 'O Cunnilingus" the Hari Anklespanker answered, standing slightly straighter at the sight of Leonardo.

"Who's this queer?" Leonardo heard the kender whisper to the gully dwarf, who only shrugged. That duo, was a sight indeed. The kender seemed to be wrapped in various dangerous weaponry. Leonardo bristled at the comment.

"Hari, take them to the dungeons. I will see if Lord Ballsar would like to talk with them." The captain saluted and calling a few guards over, bundled the gully dwarf, emoassassin, and kender off towards the dungeons.

"Hmmf." Leonardo sniffed as he watched the group being led off. The kender was quite disgruntled at being led away. He heard a few guards curse as the small fists connected with delicate parts of the body. With a shake of his head, he went in search of Ballsar Rockhard to see if his Lord did, in fact, know who these strangers were.


 
DarkDalamar20


Ordo Ignis: Scholar
RK: 13
MP: 6,311


Member Since:
April 2002


Friday December 11, 2009 9:35 AM

RE: Picks and Iceholes

"Your Majesty..."

"mmmmffff"

"Sire..."

"Go away!"

"But, sir, you should hear about this?"

"Fine!" Ballsar sat up from his overstuffed bed. He had to push aside many arms and legs from the various women surrounding him before crossing his arms like a spoiled 2 year old. "What? This better be good!" The dwarf eyed his faithful manservant Leonardo menacingly.

"Sir, there has been a..situation in the entry vestibule. Captain Hari Anklespanker apprehended some dangerous looking suspects." Leonardo whispered the last few words to make them sound more hostile.

"Dangerous? Here? Who are they?" Ballsar raised an eyebrow.

"Well, actually, they say they know you. I think they are lying, but..."

"Wait...they KNOW me? One of them isn't by chance a smelly kender looking mage by chance?" Ballsar's voice cracked with worry.

"No.." Leonardo answered.

"Oh, thank Reorx!" Ballsar wiped sweat from his brow.

"But.."

"But what?" Ballsar sat straight.

"There is kender..."

"And a gnome?"

"No, no gnome."

"This kender...does he have weird tubes all over him and the smell of gunpowder?" Ballsar asked, his voice raising in worry.

"He does seem to be surrounded by various sorts of weaponry. For the smell, I couldn't tell - his gully dwarf companion broke wind shortly before I arrived. That was all that assaulted my nostrils. Sir, I sent them to the dungeons to await your word. Do you know these folk. There is an emo-assassin with them as well. He seems to be carrying a musical instrument."

Ballsar shrugged, obviously not knowing the emoassassin. The mention of a gully dwarf made his lips curl in disgust.

"You did good, Leonardo. I know this Kender. As to why he is here, only Takhisis' left nipple would know that. I will speak with them. Let me get dressed and I'll be down shortly." A few of the women in his bed began to move slightly, reaching for Ballsar. "Actually, give me an hour or two." Ballsar smiled and laid back down.

Leonardo saluted and left the room, closing the door firmly to stifle the moans and screams already coming from the bedroom.


 
Benn-Salian


Ordo Terra: Scholar
RK: 7
MP: 1,952


Member Since:
December 2002


Friday December 11, 2009 6:39 PM

RE: Picks and Iceholes

Without any unnecessary words, the dwarf captain led the captives to the holding cells below PepsiCola and gestured to have them placed in separate cells.

Although Bobass had expected to be violently thrown into the cell, he wasn't. The guard had only gave him slight physical encouragement to enter. Nonetheless, Bobass reacted as he had been violently thrown in and launched himself three feet inside and landed with a thud. "What's the big idea?" he demanded as he shook his fist angrily, "You gods damned dinks!" The guards left and returned upstairs.

Bobass picked himself up and shook the jail grit from his new and quite fashionable clothes. That dwarf named Hari had taken possession of most of his gear and weapons. The kender felt debased and metaphorically naked. "Alright Trots, what's your hidiougroogly heritage tell us to do in order to get us out of here?" he asked as he fidgeted with his belt buckle, trying to get it clean.

"I don't know sir," the little gully admitted as he sat on the ground indian-style, "I'm not sure we need to leave. Nixon seems to love it down here. I haven't seen a molerat so happy before."

Bobass pretended he hadn't asked and looked over at the emo-ssassin and quickly discarded the idea of asking him. An emo-ssassin's idea of escape was bleeding into one's gloves during a bubble bath. In any case, Strings was tuning his mandolin and testing each note with a pluck of his finger.

"It's up to me," Bobass said to himself. He then proceeded to undo his belt and pull down his fashionable leggings. With a widened stance and then a difficult wince, Bobass proved that you can never truly disarm a resourceful kender by pulling a +1 Morning Star from his personal cavity where the morning star doesn't shine. "Holy Crap!" Trots exclaimed and the gully dwarf never found out how right that statement was.

Bobass pulled his fashionable leggings up and readjusted his belt. Which was quite difficult while holding a brown, +1 Morning Star; the kender resolved to not let this weapon out of his sight. The kender mercenary then created his own exit through the brick and mortar. Without another thought he left the dungeon area of PepsiCola as well as his companions, the gully dwarf (who didn't even notice) and the emo-ssassin.

Strings had noticed the kender's departure but didn't appear surprised with being left behind. He continued to play his mandolin in a slow, melodic way and then added his tenor voice that was as sad as it was beautiful when he hit every note perfectly:

And all you are, are to me
The saddest song I will ever sing
And all you are, are to me
The saddest song of the saddest thing


The music was worlds away from Bobass Bottom-knot who was, at the moment, running upstairs and swinging his brown, +1 Morning Star menacingly as he vented his frustration. "Where's Ballsar! I demand to know right now!" he screamed as he rounded the top flight. He quickly saw Hari and all of the lewd Ballsar sculptures. The kender readied the Morning Star and took a couple of practice swings towards the nearest statue (this one depicted Ballsar servicing the dark goddess herself). "Let me see the king, or he gets it in the dwarf statuehood. And I mean it!"


 
DarkDalamar20


Ordo Ignis: Scholar
RK: 13
MP: 6,311


Member Since:
April 2002


Tuesday December 15, 2009 7:47 AM

RE: Picks and Iceholes

Stomping down the hall angrily, Ballsar turned a corner to see Bobass backed against a wall with four thanoi surrounding him with spears to his neck. Just as he was about to raise his voice to stop them from plunging the sharp spears into the kender's tender flesh, two Ballsars appeared on his shoulders. One was wearing devil horns and a ball gag, the other had a halo and was dressed in pristine white robes....though he was holding a copy of Hustler under his one arm.

"Mfmfmmfmdmmnandndmam mmandnnfnff!" The devil Ballsar muttered through the ball gag. Finally, realizing he couldn't be understood, he removed the large red rubber ball and repeated, "You know....if the thanoi skewer him - you can go back to those luscious women waiting in your apartment.

"But, he has to be here for a reason!" The angel Ballsar said, flipping through the magazine and holding it at add angles to get better views.

"Since when did a kender have a reason for doing anything?!" The devil Ballsar argued.

"Well, he does make a good point. And, those women in your room are pretty hot!"the angel Ballsar shrugged.

"Thank you!" The devil Ballsar threw up his hands and *POOF* they both disappeared.

The Thanoi stalked closer and closer, there were small beads of blood running down the kender's neck now.

"You have to stop them!" came a small voice from behind the regal dwarf. It seemed to be a small, shy-looking gully dwarf. Something about the small creatures demeanor told Ballsar that he needed to find out why his old travel partner was employed by this waste of the dwarven name.

"Stop!" Ballsar groaned, easily speaking one of the hardest words he ever had in his life.

The thanoi immediately backed away and stood at attention. Rubbing his injured neck, Bobass smiled and came walking over to a VERY VERY VERY upset looking Dwarf.


 
jojo


Initiare
RK: 1
MP: 28


Member Since:
March 2009


Tuesday December 15, 2009 9:55 AM

RE: Picks and Iceholes

Hari awoke a few moments later with quite a headache. He quickly got to his feet and headed out into the halls. Just as he rounded one corner he saw his lord Ballsar face to face with the offending kender.

"My lord. My apologies, I'll take this rabble back to where he belongs."


 
Benn-Salian


Ordo Terra: Scholar
RK: 7
MP: 1,952


Member Since:
December 2002


Tuesday December 15, 2009 2:12 PM

RE: Picks and Iceholes

The world gained a rosier tint for Bobass when the four thanoi spears were removed from his jugular. The afflicted kender looked around and saw his old comrade and friend, Ballsar. The dwarf appeared as if his newly acquired crown weighed quite heavy this day, or so Ballsar's obvious frustration would have Bobass believe. Good thing that the kender was here now to lighten the gruff dwarf's mood.

"Ah! My good and dearest friend, Ballsar Rockhard!" Bobass announced as he leisurely closed the gap between the two with his hands reaching out for a handshake. "I am deeply gratified that you have honored us with this quick and timely audience." Bobass shook his own hand vertical in mid air as if he were shaking the king's hand, although Ballsar had shown no inclination to do any such thing. " I have come today to ask of you a small boon, something I can assume would be insignificant when compared to my friend's new found wealth here in PepsiCola."

Ballsar's eyes narrowed. This debacle of an audience was far from productive and concerned the dwarf even less. He finally found the kender getting to the point.

"...and I would like to request the reward offered me since the gnome and I did, in fact, save your ass from Marderfarker," Bobass explained, "and the gnome would have added 'literally.'"

"No, no, no, no!" a small voice called out from behind the kender and dwarf, it was the gully dwarf, Trots. "You said we here to find Trots's parents!"

Bobass stared blankly a moment until his left eye winked on its own, in some kender version of recall. "So I had, but how are you here and not still in the dungeon?" the kender inquired.

"Your brown, +1 Morning Star knocked down whole wall that landed on Trots," the gully dwarf explained, "Me lucky that happen. Me not get out different way. Me also let out the bard, he play pretty." The emo-ssassin stood a couple steps further behind the gully dwarf.

Ballsar shook his head. This was getting stupider by the minute. He realized that if he was able to listen for another moment longer it would surely get stupider. He wasn't disappointed, it did.

"Alright, the gully dwarf has me in a corner, we'll talk about my cookies later," Bobass compromised with himself, "Indeed the gully dwarf can trace his lineage back to the famous Lords and Ladies of the Highland of Hidiougroogly. It is his crest that is the dead, brown sparrow on a field of deep purple. And That crest depicted on shields and banners for all of Krynn to see!"

"Wow," Trots said allowed, "you found out that all 'bout Trots's parents. Letter not even say that much!"

"Yes I did," Bobass claimed and probably even believed that he had (instead of making it up from some movie script in his head.) He then turned back to Ballsar, "and so, I have come here, in search of this lad's parents, to ask you one question, Ballsar Rockhard of PepsiCola... are you this gully dwarf's father?"


 
jojo


Initiare
RK: 1
MP: 28


Member Since:
March 2009


Wednesday December 16, 2009 7:05 AM

RE: Picks and Iceholes

"This is Absurd! My lord has no children!" Hari boasted with all confidence.


 
DarkDalamar20


Ordo Ignis: Scholar
RK: 13
MP: 6,311


Member Since:
April 2002


Thursday December 17, 2009 10:47 AM

RE: Picks and Iceholes

"...dwarf's father...."

"...dwarf's father...."

"...dwarf's father...."

"...dwarf's father...."

The insinuation seemed to echo in the hallway. For one of the first time's in his life, Ballsar was struck speechless. He tore his gaze away from Bobass to look at the shy gully dwarf kicking his scuffed boot on the lavish tile floor.

"...dwarf's father...."

"...dwarf's father...."

It was impossible, how in Reorx could Ballsar, the renowned sexiest dwarf in all of Krynn be father to a gully dwarf. Ballsar DETESTED gully dwarves, as most Hylar's did. Bobass's accusation was asinine. A complete fallacy, yet again, Ballsar noticed a slight twinkle in the stinky things eye that reminded him of himself at times. No! Not possible.

"This is absurd! My lord has no children!" came Hari's vicious yell from the side.

Ballsar turned and faced his Captain. Their eyes met and....*shoof*

Suddenly, everyone else in the room disappeared except for Hari and Ballsar. They stood outside a small hut, in the rain, at night.

"What...what happened, my lord?" Hari commented, looking around in fear.

"I don't know...best prepare for anything. Protect your lord!" Ballsar mumbled, wishing he had his ax. Hari's sword would have to do for now.

In front of them, the window of the hut was aglow from inside from what seemed to be a single candle. Huddling against the rain, Hari and Ballsar approached the window slowly. Inside a female gully dwarf laid on her back, screaming in agony. A Hylar, dressed in pristine armor paced the room frantically. "Is she going to be ok?" the dwarf noble asked in a deep, yet worried voice.

"Yes, yes. She be fine!" Another gully dwarf entered into view. This one wore a patched and dirty white jacket, signifying her as a doctor....or something. "This normal. She giving birth to babies!"

"Good good. Just keep her healthy. I love her!" The Hylar smiled.

"You are aware she gully dwarf?" the doctor gully dwarf asked.

"Yes. I don't know how it happened. One minute she is serving me and my men ale at the local tavern. She dropped our forks under the table. Next thing I know she is unbuttoning my pants...and well, the rest is history." The dwarf smiled, thinking back to a simpler time.

"Ah..." the doctor shook her oily head. "ok...here they come. Push!" the gully dwarf giving birth screamed as she pushed.

"Push, Rosetta!" the knight intoned.

"It's a boy!" came a call from inside. The doctor held up a squealing gully dwarf baby. "What's his name?"

"Trots..." the mother whispered.

"Uh oh...looks like another one coming!" the doctor said. "Push!"

After much screaming, another baby was born. This one looked less gullyish than the other. Don't ask me how it's possible. But it is. "What's his name?" The doctor asked.

"I want to name him after my grandfather..." the Hylar looked at the gully dwarf mother who smiled and nodded.

"Hari...Hari Anklespanker." the dwarf knight smiled.

Ballsar turned with wide eyes to look upon the Captain of his Guards. "You...Trots...?"

*Shoof*

Both Ballsar and Hari stood back in Ballsar's Villa.

"Wha...where were we?" Hari asked, panic in his voice.

"I think...we just saw you being born!"

"But...my mother was a Lady! My dad was a Lord!" Hari moaned, his batlike wings vibrating in agitation. For some reason, Ballsar had never noticed those wings until now. Strange that.

Bobass, Trots, and the Thanoi looked on in confusion. Having only until recently been wondering where in the hell Hari and Ballsar had gone. Thinking that any plot holes would easily be filled with the current discussion.

"It seems that you were adopted..." Ballsar mumbled.

"No! It can't be!" Hari ran off down the hallway.

"So, where were you two?" Bobass smiled, ignoring the fear and confusion felt by everyone else.

"I don't know, but I think I have found out information that will lead to the whereabouts of Trot's parents...." Ballsar watched his captain run off then let out a sigh in relief.

"Trots, I am not your father. But Hari....is your brother!" Ballsar patted the young gully dwarf on the shoulder, then began wondering what in the hell had just happened.

[Edited by DarkDalamar20 on Friday, December 18, 2009 7:22 AM]


 
jojo


Initiare
RK: 1
MP: 28


Member Since:
March 2009


Friday December 18, 2009 10:29 AM

RE: Picks and Iceholes

In a bowl of water, in another part of the Villa, Hari could be seen running down the hallway towards his bed chamber. A female Hylar was standing over the bowl with a wide grin on her face. She was dressed in light green robes, layered and tied at the waist with a thick rope, and voluminous sleeves that hung down over her hands if she held her arms at her sides. She seemed a perfectly ridiculous Hylar, with her long, green-dyed hair down her back and two thick braids around the front of each ear ending in a small adorning disk.

"That should keep that winged freak busy, as well as the other intruders on my plan. Although the new comers have proven useful. Searching for something that isn't there, I am cleaver." She said only loud enough for herself to hear. "Ballsar Rockhard will pay for what he did to me. Oh I'll return the favor." She continued.

She threw down a small orb and disappeared.


 
Benn-Salian


Ordo Terra: Scholar
RK: 7
MP: 1,952


Member Since:
December 2002


Sunday December 20, 2009 9:57 AM

RE: Picks and Iceholes

"But Hari... is your brother!" The words rang in Trots's ears. He had hired Bobass, the kender Soldier of Fortune, to find his parents and here he already had found a brother. The gully dwarf looked up to greet his newfound sibling but had noticed that Hari had exited the room most quickly. Assuredly, his joy was too great.

"Perhaps, Hari realize it almost yuletide and go buy a present for Trots," the gully dwarf mused to himself. After a moment or two past, another thought occurred to him. "Oh poop, me didn't get Hari nothing either." Trots began to sprint after his 'brother' as fast as his hidiougroogly legs would take him. He called after the winged dwarf, "No Worry Hari! Me owe you for past yuletides too! Probably more than two even!"

With winged dwarf and gully dwarf gone, that left a dwarven king, a kender mercenary and a self-loathing emo-ssassin alone in silence. Only Strings appeared to revel in that void, as Ballsar and Bobass appeared to fidget.

"So, as I was saying..." Bobass began, trying to take some control over the anticlimactic audience, "I am truly sorry about the statue." The kender gestured towards the one depicting the Ballsar and Takhisis in a state of Cunnilingus, which was now sans dwarfhood. "I'm sure it'll make you more popular with the eunuch thanoi..." Bobass offered.

Ballsar allowed himself a glance at his favorite statue. He hadn't noticed before now but the pieces on the floor could indeed be identified as a dwarven hammer and two dwarven anvils. Ballsar lowered his head and emitted a low baritone sigh. It seemed as if he wasn't allowed to have nice things.

"That aside," Bobass continued, "now that the gully dwarf has left, let's talk cookies. Detontrophe offered me all of my half. Where are they so I can be one my way? Gully permitting, of course."

"Never you mind those. Bweh heh heh heh!" an evil voice cackled. The voice belonged to a female Hylar dwarf that was dressed all in green, even her hair dyed to match. For a second, Ballsar wondered if her carpet matched her drapes but quickly discarded the thought after a full appraisal at the ridiculous and probably evil female dwarf. The witch seemed to stare intently at the king, but not with the normal lust. There was some of that but it was mostly contempt.

"The Lady of the Lake..." Strings muttered to himself remembering a local folktale and threat that mothers told there children when it was time to go to sleep so the mothers had enough time to watch Desperate Housewives on TV.

It was the kender that broke the disquiet once again. "Excuse me ma'am," he addressed the witch who snapped her head to look at him, her green hair and attached pendant snapping as well, "but I couldn't help but notice how ugly you are. What could be so important that you would disturb your necessary, and probably government mandated, seclusion and come here to the woe of all, most of all, me?"


 
jojo


Initiare
RK: 1
MP: 28


Member Since:
March 2009


Monday December 21, 2009 8:48 AM

RE: Picks and Iceholes

Without hesitation, the green robed Hylar threw up one hand and Bobass was gone, leaving behind only a crackle in the air (like the ones from fireworks). She spun to face the emossassin, and dispached him in a simular fasion, only he went out as a puddle on the floor. The two dwarves were alone now in the hall. The witch moved closer to Ballsar, sizing him up as if she were a snake and he was a mouse.

"You have to pay for what you did to me and my kin" she fumed in ballsar's face.

Before Ballsar could speak, the door behind him swung open to reveal a voluptuous female hylar who was clad in only a bed sheet.

"Are you coming back to me my love?" she cooed.

"What do you think your doing in his chambers?" the witch screamed. "Do you have any idea of what you've done??"

Ballsars face twisted as he became increasinly confused.

"I see that you are confused Ballsar." the witch teased "this is Danipza, as you may already know, but I'm sure you had no idea that she is your daughter. You left me laying on a table while I was giving birth to her. The vision you saw was only a diversion for your defender."

Then another wave of the witches hands and * shoof *

Suddenly, the witch and the room disappeared except for Ballsar and Danipza. They stood outside a small hut, in the rain, at night. Danipza recognized the hut instantly as her childhood home. Ballsar also recognized it but for very different reasons.

In front of them, the window of the hut was aglow from inside from what seemed to be a single candle. Danipza and Ballsar approached the window slowly. Inside the witch laid on her back on a table, screaming in agony.

A gully dwarf entered into view. She wore a patched and dirty white jacket, signifying her as a doctor....or something.

"Where your man?" the gully asked

"He'll be here!" the witch screamed in pain although she wasn't so sure.

"ok...here they come. Push!" the witch screamed as she pushed.

"It's a girl!" came a call from inside. The doctor held up a squealing hylar dwarf baby. "What's her name?"

"Danipza..." "Danipza ..." the witch whispered.

Ballsar turned with teary eyes to look upon his daughter. "My ... daughter...?" "My ... daughter ...?"

*shoof*

At this supprise, Ballsar and danipza's faces looked as if they might slide right off their skulls.

"Danipza for your folly your name will forever be Danipza Rockhard, as is evident by your twin daggers." the witch continued.

"Mother is this the man who left you all those years ago, when you gave birth to me?" Danipza asked with a quiver in her voice.

"Yes and now your fates are one. For your lack of forsight, you unwittingly did the horizontal mombo with your father. You can not lie to me I see it all over your face. (And indeed the dwarf's kingly juices were still dripping off her face).

The witch walked over to her now disowned daughter, and gingerly over top Danipza's soaked belly.

"Ah yes. There's more." the witch said menacingly "you shall have a child as well. Although I lose a daughter, I gain a sweeter revenge than I could have possibly hoped for." she continued.

A flash of light and a small *pop* left father and daughter standing alone in the hall.

***


A short fall in darkness Bobass Bottom-knot landed with a *phloosh*

"It's Mine!" Came a call in the darkness.

***


Strings found himself in the middle of a Strong-man contest.

[Edited by jojo on Monday, December 21, 2009 8:58 AM]


 
jojo


Initiare
RK: 1
MP: 28


Member Since:
March 2009


Thursday December 24, 2009 9:03 PM

RE: Picks and Iceholes

'Twas the night before Christmas. When all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a kobold. The pantie hoes were hung by the chimney with care, in hopes that The king priest would soon be there. The kender were all snug in their beds, while visions of erections danced in their heads. And Marderfarker in his kerchief and Carlos in his cap had just settled down for a long winters nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, Carlos sprang from his bed to see what was the matter. Away to the window he flew like a flash, tore open the shutters and threw up the sash. The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow gave a luster of midday to objects below, when, what to his wondering eyes should appear, but a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny genie, with a short driver, so lively and quick; he knew it had to be Detontrophe.

More rapid than eagles his coursers they came. And he whistled and called them by name: "Now Dasher! On Donner! On Blitzen! On Prancer! On Vixen! On Chewy! On Tavo! C'mon, Becto! To the top of the porch, to the top of the stall! Now, dash away! Dash away! Dash away you bastards!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly, when they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky, so up to the housetop the coursers they flew with a sleigh full of naughty toys, and Detontrophe, too.

As Carlos drew in his head, and was turning around, down the chimney Detontrophe came with a bound.

He was dressed all in his priestly robes, from his head to his foot, and they were tarnished with smut. A bundle of naughty toys he had flung on his back, and he looked like peddler just playing with his sack. He spoke not a word, but went on with his work, and filled all the hoes with just one jerk. Sticking his finger inside his nose, and giving a hard blow, up the chimney he rose. He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle, and away they flew like going down on a thistle.

Carlos could hear Detontrophe exclaim as he drove out of sight, "Happy Christmas to all and good humping all night!"

[Edited by jojo on Thursday, December 24, 2009 9:05 PM]


 
Benn-Salian


Ordo Terra: Scholar
RK: 7
MP: 1,952


Member Since:
December 2002


Friday December 25, 2009 11:15 AM

RE: Picks and Iceholes

QUOTED  A short fall in darkness Bobass Bottom-knot landed with a *phloosh*

"It's Mine!" Came a call in the darkness.


"Wha-" Bobass managed as he recollected his thoughts after the decent into darkness. He had seen the witch, the fireworks. Then he was in pitch darkness. He felt the fall, the wet mattress as he landed.

Suddenly, a torch illuminated the cavern that the kender now found himself in. Once his eyes adjusted, Bobass discovered that there was a pile of discarded royal mattresses and he had landed on one of them and allowed himself to settle in. King Ballsar has good taste, for a dwarf. Then Bobass realized why these still ultimately comfortable mattresses were discarded, and why they were wet. The kender jumped up with a start, "Ah! The king's royal jelly! Truly disgusting."

"It's mine!" the voice near the source of the torch reiterated, "The kender is mine! It is precious to me!" The torch was then set in the wall and a goblin came over to presumably lay his claim on the kender. He wore a collection of assorted armor and garments, one of them depicting the emblem of CoG. The goblin hunched over as if it was conditioned to carrying heavy amounts of items.

"Yours? Where do you get off making such a claim?" Bobass retorted, "I am Bobass Bottom-knot, Soldier of Fortune and no man, nor goblin, can make claim to me."

The goblin was known as Mal'rash and a member of the fabled Knights of Detontrophe. He stepped forward to straighten out this unruly kender. "I have recently come into ownership of a fine assortment of weapons," Mal'rash gestured towards the corner where Bobass recognized the entire horde. Here was his saber, his warhammer, his pike, his grenades, his nunchucks, and various other weapons. "I recognize you, kender, as part of this collection. I reason that if I own them, I also own you!"

Bobass scrambled to get up and off the mattress and onto his own feet, but he had little enough time to do so. He grabbed at the mattress's source of sticky, wetness and threw it at the eyes of Mal'rash. The goblin's hands reached towards his face to clear his eyes. "Why would you throw my own jelly at me? Gah!"

Bobass ran to the corner and amassed as much of his arsenal as he could and managed to slip out of the room, taking the torch with him. Mal'rash was still trying to put the personal fluid away where it belonged, he believed in taking care of his things. Now he'd have to take care of the kender.


 
jojo


Initiare
RK: 1
MP: 28


Member Since:
March 2009


Friday December 25, 2009 8:19 PM

RE: Picks and Iceholes

Hari, being quiet upset, could still hear the young gully calling after him as he ran to his bedchamber. The thought of being related to that dunderhead gully made Hari sick to his stomach (gullys aren't the smartest apples of the bunch if you haven't noticed, and Hari went to D.D.U. Dwarven Defender University a very respectable dwarven academy. So having to dumb things down for his "new found brother" was not something that sat very well with the winged dwarf. How could one hope to make such a thing work?!).

"I have to think about this" Hari mused to himself as he closed the heavy doors to his room, and secured them with a large lock.

Running as fast as his hidiougroogly legs could carry him, Trots followed his brother down the hall. "It's okay brother, me understand, you not know Trots your brother, but I still love you!" He called to the winged dwarf, obviously trying to make him feel better about not getting him more than two yuletides. "How 'bout we play catch later in the garden?!" Trots continued as if Hari had acknowledged the previous statements.

[Edited by jojo on Friday, December 25, 2009 8:22 PM]


 
DarkDalamar20


Ordo Ignis: Scholar
RK: 13
MP: 6,311


Member Since:
April 2002


Sunday January 10, 2010 9:23 AM

RE: Picks and Iceholes

Ballsar was rarely shocked after a sexual conquest. Sure, there had been that one time when the she had ended up being a he. Ballsar should have known considering the prostitute had been wearing a rather luxurious turtleneck. It wasn't until after the deed that Ballsar had realized it was for hiding an enormous well-shaped adams apple. But now, having just learned that he had done the horizontal nasty with his own daughter, Ballsar was speechless.

Ballsar turned and looked at his daughter out of the corner of his eye. She was certainly attractive - probably one of the best Hylar's he had seen in his life, but his daughter!? Oh god. He didn't know what to do.

"So..um...I guess I'm your dad..." Ballsar mumbled.

"Yeah..." Danipza muttered running a hand through her sex-tussled hair.

"Yeah..." Ballsar shivered. "So...uh..."

"I've gotta go." Danipza quickly said and ran off down the hallway.

Ballsar stood alone in the hallway wondering what to do now. His own daughter was pregnant with HIS child, unless this was some sort of fantasy movie where the child was fated to be the savior of the planet, Ballsar was in trouble.

Running a hand through his beard, Ballsar walked absently down the hallway. Detontrophe would know what to do, but Ballsar didn't know if the crazy gnome was destined to be part of this adventure.


 
Benn-Salian


Ordo Terra: Scholar
RK: 7
MP: 1,952


Member Since:
December 2002


Wednesday January 13, 2010 3:51 PM

RE: Picks and Iceholes

The green witch, the one that reminded Strings of The Lady of the Lake, had been upsetting. She left a man with an indecision about wither to cut one's wrists or merely scratch them raw.

The emo-ssassin would have been hard pressed to believe that her presence was preferable when compared to what lay in store for him. But as he soon saw, he found himself amoung masculine body builders and then he was in true dismay. Strings had an instant dislike for all jocks, especially those who exerted their strength only to exert their strength. Stupid Clean and Jerks.

Interrupting this thought, one of the bodybuilders came over dressed in a skintight red, white and blue singlet. Stings oddly became envious of the singlet, wishing he had been able to wear one. With a surprise, he then realized that he knew this particular muscle puppet. "Claude?" Strings asked, "Claude vonDammit? I'm sure you don't remember me, but we went to school together. PS 128 in Sanction."

"Hey, you're right," the body builder agreed, "I have no idea who you are. But I do remember PS 128, Good Ol' Huma Dragonbane High School. The Golden Dragonlances! Heh."

"Right, so um, you look like you're doing well since school."

"Oh sure, I married the head cheerleader, Suzy Fingercuff. I have a million platinum deal with the pro network," The bodybuilder tried to put more pride into his words than he honestly had, "... but I've peaked early. The new guys on the circuit are stronger, faster, better looking. I didn't realize that until Suzy pointed it out to me." The bodybuilder let out a long drawn out sigh. "I've led a good life until now, but I'd almost be better off if I didn't see my own downfall."

While the body builder spoke, Strings had pulled off his mandolin and unslung the strap. He pulled the braided wire of the strap, which was actually his garrote, through the loop and readied the weapon as the body builder was lamenting unawares. With quick precision that belied his emo-ssassin training, Strings dropped the garrote under the body builder's chin and pulled taunt. He required a mere fraction of the body builder's strength (which was good because that's all he had) and hardly any of his endurance because within four seconds Claude vonDammit had enjoyed his Beautiful Death and his life cycle now completed. Claude was now spared the pain that would have been the cost of the fruits than he had enjoyed until now.

As Strings neutralized the scene by removing the evidence, he let his voice accompany him as he sang a cappella:

"I don't care,
I just want to die pretty,
I just want to get lost in the motion,
I just want to get lost in my beautiful self,
I just want to get lost in the city..."


Strings reattached the garrote, which doubled as the strap for his mandolin. He played the notes that was the harmony to his words.

"... I don't want to live forever,
I want to die the beautiful death."


The emo-ssassin sat on stairs near the death site and continued to pluck notes as he wondered if anyone would find out what became of him.

* * *


Bobass ran through the halls of PepsiCola. Every time one of his weapons caught the afflicted kender awkwardly he looked back to find his pursuer, the ever incorrigible Mal'rash. Thus far he counted himself lucky, even when he caught a barbed arrow sideways in the thigh. At least it wasn't the possessive goblin.

As he crossed an intersection, Bobass Bottomknot ran straight into King Ballsar. WHAM! Dwarf and kender fell on their respective asses and their items spilled out. Martial weapons and royal ice cream sandwiches littered the floor. "Thank Det you're not a goblin," Bobass exclaimed, "where's the gully dwarf and the dwarf with wings? I'd also ask where the emo-ssassin was, but I'm not convinced I care."

[Edited by Benn-Salian on Wednesday, January 13, 2010 4:11 PM]


 
Benn-Salian


Ordo Terra: Scholar
RK: 7
MP: 1,952


Member Since:
December 2002


Saturday January 16, 2010 7:19 PM

RE: Picks and Iceholes

Trots sat outside the door that his newly found brother, Hari, had become locked in against his will. At least Trots assumed he was locked in against will, since the winged dwarf had not come out and given his brother a hug. "Brother Hari! You need I break down the door?" Trots asked but his questions were ignored. "Help! My brother Hari must be not-conscious! Help someone!"

The only reply to the gully dwarf's cries were random notes played by a mandolin from somewhere else. Twang, twing, twong, twing, twong. Trots couldn't help but listen to the music that came in, it was so beautiful. Twang, twing, twong, twing, twong. The gully dwarf pulled out a lighter and waved it in the air because he thought the song was "Carry On Wayward Son" by Kansas. Then again, the gully dwarf never remembered more than two notes from any given song so it was really anyone's guess.

In the span of a second, the lighter slipped from Trots's hand and landed on the welcome mat outside of Hari's bed chamber. The entire thing lit up in a blaze of flame and fire. The newly awakened inferno crept up Hari's door.

"Oh my Det! Oh my Det!" Trots began to hyperventilate. He shook his gully hands with panic and heightened anxiety over what he had done. "Oh my Det, what I do?" The gully dwarf ran out and stopped the first person he saw, a short furred minotaur. "Brother Hari's in there! With the fire! Help!"

"Brother Hari?" the minotaur repeated, unsure what the little creature was saying, "you mean there's a monk in the burning building? Well that's no place for a monk! I'll call the fire department, little guy. Wait here." The short furred minotaur turned left and ran down the street.

"Oh my Det!" Trots continued to exclaim, still unable to calm himself down. "I forgot to tell brother Hari that his door's burning down!"


 
jojo


Initiare
RK: 1
MP: 28


Member Since:
March 2009


Tuesday January 19, 2010 11:43 AM

RE: Picks and Iceholes

Shortly after locking the door to his room, Hari ran straight at the window looking for escape, and leapt out into the warm summer air.

******

"In the sky!" someone called out "It's a bird! No! No! It's a Hab+H!!" he continued as he pointed to the odd contraption headed over Pepsi.


******
Hari landed in the court yard in front of the villa of the sexiest dwarf alive, Ballsar Rockhard. A few moments passed in unruffled peace, Hari almost forgot his worries as he stood there in the warmth of the sun, which seemed to penetrate every fiber of his being. Just as he relaxed completely, he opened his eyes, just in time to see the gully dwarf run out of the villa and stop a fuzzy Minotaur. Seeing the concerned look on the Minotaur's face, Hari became curious of what moronic story the gully had just told. Hari moved closer but stopped short as smoke come bellowing out of the general location of his bedchamber. A wave of fear mixed with fury rushed over the captain of the guard. Hari took off running toward the smoking villa, using his large wings to propel his legs faster than any normal dwarf could ever hope to move.

Trots noticed the movement of the winged dwarf and was instantly in a state of elation to see his brother unharmed. "Brother Hari! Me glad you not…"

The blowback from Hari's large bat like wings knocked the young gully from his feet and onto his rump, cutting off his cries of joy.

As Hari raced to his employer,(with whom he had become great friends with in the past few months) his thoughts were a jumble.

"I'll bet this is "my brother's" doing. Why me? What have I done to deserve this upheaval in my otherwise easygoing life? Det give me the strength. I love Claire Bennet. I wonder if she has a fetish for midgets! I'd be perfect for her! Oh sweet I'd totally be in her muffin patch in no time. Damn it Trots is smaller than me, he ruins everything! ...Hey it echoes in here, Echo…! Echo…! Echo…!"

******

"Are you lost little emo?" came a call from a female voice down the alleyway.

Strings turned to locate the source of the voice. A'dara was headed his way (not that strings knew who she was), wearing her sash tied around her waist in her customary fashion, and she also carried with her a package of considerable size. The package was wrapped in the finest royal blue silk and tied up with a silk sash that rivaled the one tied on her waist.

"Are you here to visit with Ballsar also?" she probed. "If so we could go together."

Strings gave a slight nod and the two headed in the direction of Ballsar's villa.

[Edited by jojo on Tuesday, January 19, 2010 11:45 AM]


 
Benn-Salian


Ordo Terra: Scholar
RK: 7
MP: 1,952


Member Since:
December 2002


Saturday February 6, 2010 10:51 AM

RE: Picks and Iceholes

Strings had slipped his mandolin behind his back and adjusted the strap so his new company would not see its true purpose as a death causing garrote. This was unnecessary since A'dara had already known this before she showed up in PepsiCola to begin with. The two walked in silence. This made the emo-ssassin feel out of place, but then again, so many things did.

The silence was interrupted by a whirling sound and the sensation of the earth vibrating slightly, not to mention the large gust of air that smelled of kender grease. "Tears and semen!" Strings swore, "What in the abyss is going on?"

A'dara glanced over. She knew the answer to his question but she saw no benefit in revealing that at the moment. "Let's find out. To the court of King Ballsar."

* * *


Trots chased his estranged brother Hari through the streets of PepsiCola. Where Hari going? Probably real cool place, that why Hari run so fast. Big brothers know cool places, me think. The gully dwarf's hidiougroogly legs pumped as hard as he could but were at a disadvantage with Hari, whose wings helped propel him closer to his liege lord and farther from his perceived sibling.

The winged dwarf was almost out of sight when he felt the gust of wind and slight trembling. He looked around to see if he could find the source but all he noticed was a whirling sound coming from the castle. Ballsar's castle! Shit! Trots ran full speed into Hari, interrupting both of their thoughts. "Tag! You it!" Trots's announced, demonstrating that gully dwarves are used to not finishing their thoughts.

"Not now, Trots, we need to get to the castle right away. Ballsar may be in trouble."

"Why? Is he it?"

* * *


When they heard the whirling sound, Bobass Bottomknot and Ballsar Rockhard had begun to evacuate the castle and stood out in the courtyard. There, they were able to hear something else coming from the darkening silhouette of a contraption descending from the sky, it was a familiar song being badly sung:

Oh, I wish I were a Istarian... hiccup... kingpriest
that is...hiccup... what I truly wish to be
An' if I were an Ist - arian king... hiccup... priest
everyone would be... something something something...me


Eventually the infamous HAB+H landed, a gnomish mechanism that appeared to be a helicopter with hot air balloons as propellers. The door opened with a loud but unintentional clank. Two gnomes, Detontrophe and Davidos exited. "Thank you Davidos, but our princess is in another castle!" Detontrophe declared and began laughing out loud until he was rolling on the floor laughing. The omnipresent gnome, who had usurped Reorx's place in the pantheon of gods was most decidedly drunk as a skunk. And yes, skunks are notorious alcoholics, ask anyone.

Ballsar began to walk towards the gnome, the very person he was sensing when shit got stupid. Detontrophe cut in before the dwarf could greet his best friend. "Hey, I have been thinking of you and you were thinking of me, so quit thinking so that we can get on with this adventure!" The gnome laughed, thinking back to when these words had been spoken before by Ballsar to Marderfarker so long ago.

"Det, by my own beard, it is good to see you," the grizzled dwarf announced with a warmness that was warranted by their friendship, "how the hell could you leave the kender and gully dwarf to come and bother me!"

"Ballsar, you know that being a god of neutrality is an overwhelming burden," the gnome said in his own defense, "Do you know how busy I've been?"

"You've been getting drunk at the Periwinkle Pony since October!" Ballsar snapped.

"Precisely. All those burdens aren't going away if I don't start drinking at exactly 5 pm."

Ballsar shook his head in disgust, "Never mind that, what are you going to do about this dilemma? That's what I like to know."

"Which one? The one about Trots or Danipza? I'm not a genealogist nor am I Maury Povich, to find out who baby daddies are," Detontrophe began to appear irate but settled when he saw the already irate look on Ballsar's face. "All right, you should remember that Trots was adopted for a time by Samsterd and Madong, but you may not known that a gully dwarf comes from a union of gnome and dwarf. Only I and Trots's... um, er... parents know who they are. That's for good reason. And more importantly, the green witch does lie a lot, deception is a powerful thing for her, remember that. As for Danipza, however, by a probability of 99.987%, Ballsar, you are the father."

"Ha!" Davidos called from the HAB+H, "sucks to be you."


 
jojo


Initiare
RK: 1
MP: 28


Member Since:
March 2009


Monday March 1, 2010 9:17 AM

RE: Picks and Iceholes

Hari set out once again towards his lords castle with the young gully in his wake. After turning a few corners Hari was in the courtyard. Before he could ask what the odd contraption in front of him was his eyes crossed an even more startling sight, the king priestly robes. Instantly Hari was down on one knee, with his head lowered, Trots rounded the corner and spotted Hari.

Oh, what a clever brother me have! Trots mused to himself. The impulsive gully pumped his little legs faster than he had ever done before. "Leap Frog!" he screamed as he vaulted off the back of his brother.

Trots flew through the air like a bullet shot out of a high powered rifle, a second later he smashed face first into the side of the HAB+H.

* * *


A'dara and Strings walked out of an alley across from where the unfortunate gully had just face planted. After seeing the gully face down the two looked to one another with smiles that rivaled the Cheshire catAnd yes, the Cheshire cat was there as a comparison., both Strings and A'dara intuitively knowing what had just happened.


[Edited by jojo on Monday, March 1, 2010 12:49 PM]


 
Benn-Salian


Ordo Terra: Scholar
RK: 7
MP: 1,952


Member Since:
December 2002


Thursday April 1, 2010 8:15 PM

RE: Picks and Iceholes

Davidos was inside the HAB+H scouting for where he had installed the most recent blender. He wanted a margarita and the portly gnome knew that the new blender had not blown any fuses as of yet. It was then that he heard a loud THWANK! that sounded like someone shot a gully dwarf through an air rifle at a piece of sheet metal. That may seem quite specific but it is assured that Davidos vividly remembered the last time a similar event had happened at his former shop.

The portly gnome quickly ran outside to witness Trots still recovering from his unsuccessful game of leap frog. The large dent in the outer hull of the HAB+H gave way to a brilliant idea. Davidos envisioned a golf ball with its dimpled texture, efficient trajectory and diminished drag. Davidos approached the winged dwarf, Hari. "May I borrow your gully dwarf so that I may use it to create more uniform dents in the HAB+H? I assure you it would make it the utmost in energy efficiency."

Hari stared at the gnome and said nothing. Part of him wondered what he was talking about and part of him wondered why it mattered - this would keep Trots busy for a while. "Will you let it be?" Detontrophe yelled at his compatriot, "I assure you that Trots will be better suited to the next storyline than he would assisting you." The portly gnome looked down, crestfallen and disappointed. The gnomish god then turned his attention to Hari. "You will be needed in the storyline as well, your unfortunate encounter with Gargarth's Graygem has made you quite useful in situations."

"I absolutely can't!" Hari protested, "I am sworn to my liege, Ballsar Rockhard of Pepsicola, Florida. It is my sworn duty to defend his person and honor. I have no time to escort an addle brained gully dwarf."

Much to Hari's surprise, it was Ballsar who responded. "Hari, you serve me well. Det is my oldest, and dearest friend. You have no idea how many nights he's spend with fat friends so they wouldn't be cock blocks during my dates. I am unable to help Trots in his quest, even for Det, so I want your to go in my stead. The kender, Samsterd Yummypu, will be the best place to start - he was one of Trots adopted parents, he may have some insight."

"Samsterd's taken up residence in the High Tower of Sorcery in Wayreth," Detontrophe added, "so your first test is to pass through the guardian forest and then to deal with the mages themselves. And don't forget that Samsterd has kenderstench, that smell is worse than a gorgon who douches with rancid tuna."

Kender. Gully Dwarves. Mages. Tuna. Hari felt the situation going from bad to worse. The winged dwarf remained as introspective as he could. He remained so while everyone said their goodbyes to Ballsar and his Pepsicolon court. He barely responded when he, Trots and the emo-ssassin Strings were loaded onto the one-dent HAB+H and flew over Wayreth. Hari was even detached when he used his wings to descend from still flying HAB+H while holding onto the gully dwarf and emo-ssassin.

When they finally made contact with the ground, the tower's ward defenses began to take effect. The tower and its magical forest had a way of bringing about a magical state of sleep to unwary trespassers. Trots soon found both Hari and Strings very much asleep and in the emo-ssassin's case, snoring awkwardly.

In his panicked stupor, Trots didn't register that someone had approached. Before them stood a large undead guardian. Its ragged garb gave him the impression that it had stood watch in this forest since almost ancient days. The guardian studied the gully dwarf with its blank, depthless eyes that reminded one of the last ember in a piece of coal. "Do you know what I do to trespassers who I find asleep in my forest?"

Trots looked around frantically, thinking about the guardian's question. Trots wondered what someone would do if they came across someone sleeping in the forest. "Oh no! Please don't put your guardianhood in their butts!"


 
Benn-Salian


Ordo Terra: Scholar
RK: 7
MP: 1,952


Member Since:
December 2002


Wednesday May 5, 2010 5:44 PM

RE: Picks and Iceholes

"Didda didda chum didda!" Lobstrosity pleaded. The dire lobster angled its eye stalks in a manner that begged for reason, at least this one time. But the effort was in vain for he was pleading with Zetsubo Despair, nihilistic kobold and suicide enthusiast. The dire lobster sighed inwardly. He couldn't believe that the two of them had traveled all the way to Wayreth, found their way to the Tower of High Sorcery all in an attempt to let the kobold kill himself.

"I've made up my mind, friend," Zetsubo explained, "No one would devise a tower so high as this one, not unless they intended to allow fellows down on their luck, such as me, to plummet from the tower's heights. I assure you, I will use the tower appropriately."

Lobstrosity watched as Zetsubo took a few strides backwards to prepare for his jump. The dire lobster had seen enough. It was tired of its companion's misplaced depression. Today was a good day to have it end. As Zetsubo took his first few steps to the tower's edge, Lobstrosity moved into his way and held its pincers up to halt the insanity. Zetsubo made no attempt to slow down and Lobstrosity braced itself for impact.

The problem with lobsters, even dire ones, is that their horizontal orientation takes away from their overall height and allows most kobolds to easily jump over them. And that's what Zetsubo did, clear over dire lobster and over the edge of the tower and down to the ground.

"Featherfall!" a voice from one of the various windows yelled as a spell was cast and the kobold's descent slowed and the kobold gardually lowered to the ground in a safe and gentle manner. Lobstrosity, who had seen everything from the top of the tower, felt like smashing its head into the parapet over and over again.

At the bottom of the tower, a relatively unscathed Zetsubo began to feel the featherfall spell's effects wearing off when a lithe and attractive figure ran towards the kobold. "By Solinari's good graces, are you alright?" a voice called out. Zetsubo soon saw that it belonged to a beautiful white mage.

"I am very much alive, no thanks to you!" the kobold retorted, he was furious. He turned to his undesired savior. He could see her pale skin and the freckles that crossed over the bridge of her nose. Her long, red hair unnerved him in a way he was unused to.

"My name is Lyra. What were you doing up there?"

"I am named Zetsubo Despair and most of all, I do not want to die alone," the kobold explained, opening his soul to the gorgeous white mage, "I ask you, will you die with me?"


 
jojo


Initiare
RK: 1
MP: 28


Member Since:
March 2009


Saturday May 8, 2010 8:11 AM

RE: Picks and Iceholes

QUOTED  Trots looked around frantically, thinking about the guardian's question. Trots wondered what someone would do if they came across someone sleeping in the forest. "Oh no! Please don't put your guardianhood in their butts!"


Feeling the mounting tension, Harri sprang to his feet and whipped out the true hairy ankle spanker. (Oh how the guardian was in for a world of hurt. You see Harri had been trained in the ancient art of cockfighting by the wetbacks at the local Home Depot. Oh yes, beaners know how to handle an angry pecker.)

"I bet noone has ever been this HARD ON you before!" came Harri's Roar.

"Whoa Buddy! If you think that I was about FILE-IN-THE-WRONG-BOX, your terribly wrong. But if you really must TEST-MY-METAL, then we will MAKE-ENDS-MEET." the guardian shot back

Trots watched the two rush forward with their coldcuts in hand. Harri with his ham and mayo, and the guardian with his Olive loaf and what appeared to be tartar sauce. (Oh yes it was about to get messy.) "Wait!" he shouted "Me have no bread for making samitches!"


[Edited by jojo on Saturday, May 8, 2010 8:15 AM]


 
Benn-Salian


Ordo Terra: Scholar
RK: 7
MP: 1,952


Member Since:
December 2002


Thursday October 21, 2010 11:42 PM

RE: Picks and Iceholes

Trots dared not watch. He had witnessed light saber duels before and he knew how ugly they could get. At least there were no dark sith to contend with. The gully dwarf placed his over large, and slightly bulbous, head between his legs and prayed that it would end soon.

Strings, only recently aroused from sleep (evident from the morningwood), had only just began the lead in to Queen's We Will Rock You when the dust cloud from the tower approached the companions.

Tears began to form in the eyes of everyone present, including Hari if not his undead opponent. The cloud brought with it a stench that was formidable. Hari lost the better half of his focus and his +7 "bastard sword" dwindled to a +3 or +4.

Strings, no longer able to play, doubled over and began to vomit all over his shoes and mandolin.

"Nooo!" screamed a shrill, prepubescent voice. The voice came from inside the cloud. Trots, suddenly excited, sprinted towards the cloud. "Papa Samsterd!" he called out ahead.

The dust cloud settled to reveal a rotund kender with a lopsided topknot. His clothing was all askew and appeared to have resisted any amount of Tide it may have encountered. Sweat glistened on Samsterd's body, causing a sickly glow to emit like a putrid nimbus. Trots approached and gave a short embrace, well, what was meant to be a short embrace. The gully dwarf and kender stuck to one another like a very disgusting peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

"My darling Trots!" Samsterd exclaimed, "what are you doing here?" The gully dwarf gestured to the undead guardian who still encroached on the winged dwarf who was unaware that he was about to be on the receiving end of a shot in the mouth. "Herb!" Samsterd shouted, "that's enough, these are my guests. Leave us be or I won't pick you any more radishes."

The undead guardian was turned and left, dropping his head and guardianhood on his way back towards the tower.

"You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here!" Bobass taunted, "oh, we love you undead monsters, tell Cher that I said hi!"

"Bobass?" Samsterd inquired, considering the possibilities.

"Bobass?" Hari echoed, obviously confused, "where did you come from?"

"Haha, my fine winged dwarf, keep in mind that I am most decidedly uncanny, if nothing else" Bobass announced proudly.

"No seriously, we left you with the Pepsicolons," Hari insisted matter-of-factly, "you were not in the HAB+H. You were not with us when we parachuted down. you were also not taking a nap in the grove before the enhanced undead guardian showed up."

"Uncanny," Bobass reiterated, "it's a word. Find a dictionary, look it up. Samsterd, you're from the tower. You got books there?"

Samsterd nodded his head eagerly. "Oh Bobass, I'm so glad to see you. Finally, another kender, like me. All of my problems are over."

Bobass looked Samsterd over. The bastard was a kender, it was true but the similarities ended there. While Bobass was well dressed and his assortment of weaponry was as shiny as they were deadly, Samsterd was, by contrast, fat. And ugly, yep, ugly.

Samsterd saw the confusion as plain on Bobass's face as the special sauce in the Burger King adult film. "I'm a mage apprentice, Bobass,"the rotund kender began, "I should be allowed to take the Test to become a full fledged mage. However, Dunbar, the head of the white robes, won't let me take the test because I'm a kender. He says the one to give the Test must be a peer, another kender. And I'm the only kender in the tower!"

Bobass was having trouble following Samsterd's dilemma. He hadn't gotten to any damsels in distress or dragons or even any dire weasels. "But you're a kender. You can give the Test."

"I don't know..." Bobass began.

"I can pay too!" Samsterd readily added.

"Done." Bobass concluded.

"But Papa Samsterd," Trots interjected, "we actually came here to ask you about my parents."

"That's right Trots, your Papa is going to be an Archmage!" The rotund kender grinned like an idiot, completely unaware of his adopted son who had completed a face plant in the middle of the grove.

[Edited by Benn-Salian on Wednesday, October 27, 2010 6:11 AM]


 
jojo


Initiare
RK: 1
MP: 28


Member Since:
March 2009


Friday October 29, 2010 12:36 AM

RE: Picks and Iceholes

So it seemed that fortune had smiled on the odd group. The assistance of Samsterd with the guardian had made their quest easier or had it? They set off in the direction of the High Tower of Sorcery which could not be seen in the distance. Dark storm clouds, heavy, black and pendulous blotted the skies. Shortly after embarking the air filled with torrential rains.

They were not going to let a storm spoil the trek to the tower, so they continued unfazed. Lighting cracked and a bolt of lighting struck a tree not far off. The group continued a little more cautiously after that.

The rain poured down Trots's face and into his smiling mouth as he skipped along, stopping every few yards to jump with both feet into the largest puddles he could find (seemingly unaware of any danger).

They had passed many rows of trees when Strings saw a rock formation in the shape of a tower is silhouetted against the sky off to one side. The lightning cracked, lighting up their surroundings for a split second. The mud they were moving through became almost as thick as the stench coming from Samsterd (Which was quite unaffected by the rain).

A glow of light appeared in a window of the silhouette. Hari stared hard. "There's a light." He called. The light illuminated a path to the tower.

The group turned towards the light. The tower loomed closer. Lighting cracked once again and Trots jumped towards Hari. He saw it coming and threw up his hands, Trots flew right past and landed in a mud puddle. SPLOOSH!

Trots climbed out of the puddle, he was covered in mud from the tip of his gully head to the bottom of his gully shoes. In true Trots style he took it all in stride. He even sported an innocent smile that would have melted Hari's heart, had Hari been concerned that Trots was actually hurt.

In the large, lighted, cell-like window near the top of the tower. A tortured face appeared squinting into the darkness.

The group approached the gateway to the Tower of Sorcery and saw a shadowy figure turn from the window and disappear. When they reached the gate they noticed a darkened sign. A bolt of lighting illuminated the sign which read: High Tower of Sorcery

Hari took notice that the group was uncharacteristically quiet the whole trip. He liked the silence. "Better than listening to the defecation of the mouth that usually occurs." He thought as he chuckled to himself.

The figure that was seen at the window emerged from the tower. He was a hunch-backed servant of the mages. "I think you had better come inside." he called to the group.

Inside they arrive at a entry hall at the top of some stairs. Yet another servant, who had a striking physical resemblance to the first, (Which was very unnerving seeing how this servant was female), was vacuuming the stairs.

The male servant lead them down the stairway and beckoned them to follow into a room on the other side of the entry hall.

As the doors opened the group found themselves on a balcony of a huge black and silver ballroom. At the furthest end is a throne-like chair and, surrounding it, a theater proscenium. In the body of the room were a great many, richly robed mages and their apprentices. These mages and apprentices assembled on this special occasion from all over the land. It is the Annual Mages Convention - which was evident by an official banner suspended over the ballroom. A party spirit prevails, they throw their arms out in a plea to the group to joint them in the body of the room.

"Squeak!"

Trots quickly put his hand over his pocket "hush Nixon!" he whispered.


 
Benn-Salian


Ordo Terra: Scholar
RK: 7
MP: 1,952


Member Since:
December 2002


Monday November 15, 2010 1:37 AM

RE: Picks and Iceholes

The undead mole rat bolted from Trots's pocket and ran into the Mages Convention.

"Nixon! Come back here, I have some cat treats for you!" the gully dwarf called after his pet, "okay you got me, they're really rat droppings but they're still good." Trots tossed a few in his mouth to prove his claim. The undead mole rat was oblivious to his master's pleadings and continued to explore the convention.

Nixon hopped in between the feet of mages, perhaps looking for something better to eat than his own droppings. It was then that a blur of red went flying across the room and pounced on the undead tail of the mole rat. Nixon reacted with a SQUEEK! as if to say 'what the hell!' or some other mole rat curse. When Nixon looked up he was fact to face with an eight inch plush toy of some fire elemental.

"I summon you, Ifrit!" called out a young female, who appeared to be engaged in some sort of cosplay, as evident by the otherworldly outfit she wore. Cris-crossing fabric adorned her upper body, leaving her shoulders bare and a golden sash held it together around her midsection. A long, flowing skirt of blue hung down to her ankles and long, white sleeves hung from her forearms. "Ifrit, use Meteor Shower!" the young girl suggested to the plush Ifrit, which did nothing.

Nixon spit on the floor and was in the process of biting the plush nose off of the Ifrit when Trots caught up.

"Thank you for playing with Nixon," the gully dwarf managed to say to the cosplay female, intermixed with huffing and puffing from the 30 foot sprint, "what's your name?"

The young girl was abashed, and somewhat disappointed, that he had to ask. " I am... Yuna from Final Fantasy X. And you, are you Frodo from The Lord of the Rings?"

Now it was Trots's turn to look at her funny. "No, I'm Trots from Hidiougroogly," he introduced himself, "and that's Nixon from my pocket." the gully dwarf gestured to the undead mole rat who was currently hiccuping from eating the Ifrit's stuffing too fast.

"And over there is..." The gully dwarf cut short as he looked over to see his companions; Samsterd, Hari, and Strings who were all reacting to a skirmish between Bobass and a young boy who also appeared to be engaged in cosplay. This young boy had spiky golden hair that would have made most emo-ssassins whine with envy. He wore a dark purple uniform which had multiple buckles in strategic places.

"Oh my," the young girl named *Yuna* said, "that's Cloud from Final Fantasy VII. It looks like someone has gotten his Buster Sword away from him.

When Trots looked away from *Yuna* and back to his companions and *Cloud,* he saw that Bobass did, in fact, have an overlarge sword in his hands and faced it menacingly at the cosplay male. "Get back, Jackturd," Bobass demanded, "I will not hesitate to wield this fine weapon here and now!"

"C'mon, give that back," *Cloud* pleaded, that took me four to six weeks to get from eBay..."

*Cloud* was on the verge of tears. Strings watched on approvingly of the cosplay male's reaction. Yep, could make an emo-ssassin proud, Trots thought to himself.

[Edited by Benn-Salian on Monday, November 15, 2010 1:41 AM]


 
jojo


Initiare
RK: 1
MP: 28


Member Since:
March 2009


Friday November 19, 2010 7:47 PM

RE: Picks and Iceholes

"Bobass I thought you were a Soldier of Fortune for Trots, not some klepto goblin." Hari said as he moved to intercept Bobass.

The statement flitted about in his thoughts and weighed heavily on the afflicted kender. Although he thought of many good reasons to keep the fine weapon, he only could muster only one reason to give it back. Bobass was stabbed by the futility of it all.

Hari is right I can save the whole world, and I must start right here!" he thought.

Bobass then bent down on one knee and offered the sword to the rightful owner. "my apologies good sir" he said with all the sincerity a kender could muster.

*Cloud* had tears in his eyes as held the sword close to his chest and ran out of the room.

"We have things to do" Hari stated plainly as he turned towards Samsterd.

"I'm looking for my parents! The Lord and Lady of Hidiougroogly, have you heard of them?!" he questioned as he turned back to where *Yuna* had been standing.

She was nowhere to be seen.

"Wow! She is already on the case. I'll find my parents in no time with all this help." he continued, oblivious that his companions and Samsterd had already moved out of the ballroom.


 
Aeramae



Ordo Aer: Scholar
RK: 10
MP: 3,280


Member Since:
December 2003


Tuesday November 23, 2010 7:40 AM

RE: Picks and Iceholes

"This is the absolute worst party I've been to in a week!" a female voice cried out. A few unconventional conventionalists turned towards the voice. A rather familiar looking red head dressed in a sparkly corset, short shorts, fish nets and tap shoes stood with her hands on her hips.

"Honestly, what does a girl have to do to get an honest ruckus started around here?" Straea asked, pouting slightly. "I mean, there's no three ways, or anything! And what is with all these Final Fantasy people!?"

As she scanned the room, she noticed a familiar sight, but not the one she wanted to see.

"Bobass! What are you doing here!?"


 
Benn-Salian


Ordo Terra: Scholar
RK: 7
MP: 1,952


Member Since:
December 2002


Saturday December 11, 2010 9:45 PM

RE: Picks and Iceholes

Bobass shifted his attention to the familiar voice, he couldn't quite place it but he sure hoped it was a maiden in distress. Maidens in distress loved soldiers of fortune, even kender ones. And Bobass most definitely loved maidens in distress who loved kender soldiers of fortune. Needless to say, the kender's thoughts made him light headed and it was difficult for him to focus when he recognized Straea.

"Uh... um..." Bobass began to mumble. He needed a moment so he threw a whole Twix bar in his mouth and chewed slowly until something to say came to him. "Aha! I'm on a noble quest," the kender announced, not finished with the Twix bar and spraying Twix bits about as he spoke, "I am assisting the orphaned Trots find his parents who were probably killed by the Joker after a night at the theater. But I vow to find some remnant of the boy's hidiougroogly heritage."

"I'll introduce you to the lad," he told the red mage. Bobass scanned the MageCon but he was unable to see the gully dwarf through the *Harry Potters,* *Sailor Moons* and one particularly heavy set *Tifa.* Bobass nonchalantly brushed the remaining Twix crumbs from his hands and turned back to Straea, who did look nice in those short shorts he had to admit. "It appears that Trots has already found his parents, probably the fat kender mage, and is already asking to stay up past his bed time." Bobass looked up at Straea's face to see how impressed she was at his noble quest, most likely completed. The kender was unable to gauge her level of awe. "So why don't you and I go to the bar for a drink?"

Bobass really did think that would be well received.

* * *


Meanwhile Trots was wondering down the halls, looking for *Yuna's* room, assured that she was there with his true parents. She left so suddenly she must have quickly went to round them up. "Be nice if people's name be on door," Trots announced aloud, "Be nice if I could read if they did..."


 
Aeramae



Ordo Aer: Scholar
RK: 10
MP: 3,280


Member Since:
December 2003


Sunday December 12, 2010 1:16 AM

RE: Picks and Iceholes

Straea dusted the Twix crumbs that had been sprayed onto her when Bobass had, in her mind, rather rudely spoken with his mouth full. She knew that there was a time and place for talking with one's mouth occupied in other activity, but explaining a crazy hare-brained mission was not one of those time.

"A drink is exactly what is needed to survive this snooze fest," she said, and motioned for the kender to follow her to the bar. "But, knowing your luck with missions, I'd say this is far from over."

She swept past the overweight "Tifa", muttering something about spandex being a privelege, not a right, which the other woman, who actually turned out to be a man, overheard. Casting a dirty look at the red head, the "Tifa" huffed away, almost squashing Bobass underneath it's large shoe. Luckily the kender was quick enough, laden as he was with weaponry, to get away in time. That was something Straea had to admit she admired about kender....they were always so light on their feet, and resilient too. You could fling them high into the air and the little buggers would almost always land without too much bodily damage.

"Two beers for my friend, and cranberry vodka for myself," she told the bartender. She turned back to Bobass, a small frown on her face.

"So, where is Ballsar, and why would he ever agree to let you take on a mission by yourself?"


 
Benn-Salian


Ordo Terra: Scholar
RK: 7
MP: 1,952


Member Since:
December 2002


Sunday December 26, 2010 10:30 PM

RE: Picks and Iceholes

Bobass watched the bartender as he placed two Sam Adams in front of the kender. Bobass had been sober for the last year and two months, ever since some bastard blue mage had put him on an escalator that didn't serve alcohol. What had the mage called it? Oh yes, the Twelve Step Program. Bastard mage. Certainly it would not hurt to take the edge off with? He was, after all, going to woo this buxom red mage and if a drink would allow him the chance to place his rapier somewhere amongst her assets, all the better. He double fisted both bottles and drank deep.

"Where is Ballsar?" Straea repeated herself.

"Nowhere that's important, probably playing Uno with the Pepsicolons," Bobass said flippantly, "you know, I threw him down the stairs once, like all twelve of them!" Bobass half laughed to himself at the joke only he was privy to. The kender, already past tipsy, leaned in towards the mage much closer than the situation warranted. "You're absolutely gorgeous, you know, you could make any kender..."

THUD! Bobass's center of gravity shifted from his bar stool onto the floor without preamble or a 'by your leave.' The kender soldier of fortune rolled over to his back, looking up at fishnet stockings that his companion wore and shifted his aroused kenderhood along with his other artillery. "...make a kender fall head over heels, as it were." A big dumb grin covered the kender's drunken face.

* * *


Trots grew tired of walking up and down the halls, they were completely empty and not very interesting. He felt like he was going in circles and this particular hallway kept going on forever! If Trots was anything other than a gully dwarf he would have remembered that he was in the Tower of High Sorcery, which was a circular tower, which would explain why he could continue to circumnavigate the third floor indefinitely. Of course, Trots was a gully dwarf so he didn't reason that far and kept going.

After an hour, Trots began to knock on doors. No one answered. After an another hour, Trots began to open doors. If no one was home there was no one to yell at the gully dwarf, he reasoned. Plus he forgot what he was looking for and hoped something in the room would remind him, perhaps even the item he was looking for.

Most of the rooms were empty save for some staffs, walking sticks and canes. Trots liked the latter to make sure they weren't candy canes. Eventually, Trots came to a large oak door, the last one not opened. After a moment of wondering who had left all the doors ahead of him opened, Trots went in.

Trots was halted at the door by a large dire lobster. The creature threw its pincers above its head to ward off attack. The dire lobster paced back and forth in a side stepping manner. It was ready to defend the room at all costs. "Didda chum chee!" the thing exclaimed.

"No I didn't have a key, I just walked in," Trots explained.

Inside the room, Trots saw, a white mage sitting next to a bed that was occupied by a kobold. The kobold held the blankets up to his chin as he mumbled things like "beautiful death" to the white mage who listened politely. "Hello!" Trots called in, surprising the kobold to alertness.

"Mortecai! Is that you? I assure you the beautiful girl means nothing to me!" Zetsubo's panic subsided when he saw the gully dwarf easily held at bay by Lobstrosity. Slight embarrassment flooded the kobold but he quickly shifted it to agitation. "What do you want now? I don't need my linens changed."

Trots stared at the kobold for a moment before responding. "I like your pet," he gestured to the dire lobster who continued to work itself up. "I have a pet too, his name is Nixon." Trots reached into his shirt pocket to find the undead molerat, but only found little, round leavings. Trots grabbed these black morsels and thrust his hand out in offering, "Junior Mint?"

Lobstersity perceived the action as an attack and quickly reached out with it's pincer and clamped on the gully dwarf's hand, causing the junior mint rat droppings to fall to the floor, scattering as they did so. Trots let out a wail of pain. "Owwwwwwwww! Hari, help me!"


 
jojo


Initiare
RK: 1
MP: 28


Member Since:
March 2009


Saturday January 1, 2011 11:24 PM

RE: Picks and Iceholes

Hari Pondered to himself as he walked down a hall with Strings. "How is it that I get stuck with the mandolin playing, mascara wearing, and all around ugliest Transexual I have ever met. Not that I have ever met a good looking Transexual, then again I don't racall ever meeting any Transexuals. Well I'm stuck with him, her, oh whatever, until I can find "My Brother", what a laugh!
I am still unsure of this Bobass character, why would anyone want to be around him for more than a millisecond. The guy wreaks of an indescribable stench, and he has the worst hero complex ever. It's funny that I don't have suicidal tendencies. I mean come on, I stuck with all these freaks. What a way to live ones life constantly surrounded by people who make very little rational sense.
I wish I were back in Pepsi Cola sitting on my veranda, playing D&D with my lord Ballsar. I remember the time my Human Fighter character was in Waterdeep with my lord Ballsar's Human Cleric character. We spent alot of time on Sail Street in a dockside tavern by the name of "The Sailor's Own". Ah good times.
I wonder what Claire Bennet is doing right now. I bet she's...."


Hari was snapped out of his contemplations by a nudge from his forlorn companion. From somewhere in the Tower Hari heard the gully dwarf wail with what only could be pain. Without waiting for Strings, Hari bolted in the direction of the scream. Strings was left standing all alone in the hall.

"I wish I could the feel pain that was conveyed in that scream." Strings said to himself as he ran after Hari.


* * *


In a few moments Hari had found the source of the scream (It was after all his job). There in a door way Hari found the young gully facing the largest lobster he had ever witnessed. Trots was clutching a bleeding hand. Hari rushed to Trots "Are you alright?" Hari asked quickly.

Trots stifled his cries long enough to say "I...*sob*...was...*sob*...just playing with his...*sob*...pet" and he pointed into the room where Zetsubo still lay.

Hari pulled the battle axe from his waist and started towards the dire lobster. "You'll pay for your indiscretion lobster." He took a few steps forward to protect the gully, but was stopped short. Lobstrisity moved into a better position for attack. The two seemed to freeze in place. Suddenly Hari sprang into the air moving forward towards the lobster. Hari's axe came crashing down, but it hit nothing. Lobstrisity had moved with such speed that Hari had not registered the move until just too late. Lobstrisity snapped his pincers out in two opposite arcs, one high and the other low. Hari had to back up a full two steps to stay out of reach. With calculated moves this when on for what seemed to be minutes, until the two had come to a sort of stale mate. There stood Hari with axe caught in Lobstrisity's one claw and his other hand holding back the other claw with all his might.

"Please stop!" came a call from Lyra who was still sitting next to Zetsubo. Strings took particular note that Zetsubo had started stroking Lyra's hand lovingly. Strings began playing "There is a Light That Never Goes Out by The Smiths" as the two warriors backed up to a respectful distance.

"And if a double-decker bus
Crashes in to us
To die by your side
Is such a heavenly way to die
And if a ten ton truck
Kills the both of us
To die by your side
Well the pleasure, the privilege is mine!"

Strings Strummed a few more notes to accentuate the mood.


 
Benn-Salian


Ordo Terra: Scholar
RK: 7
MP: 1,952


Member Since:
December 2002


Saturday January 8, 2011 4:42 AM

RE: Picks and Iceholes

Zetsubo was put out, to put it mildly. Zetsubo was outraged to the point of genocide and self injurious behavior, to put it boldly. Why a gully dwarf and some demonic, bat winged dwarf would encroach upon the few moments he had with the beautiful Lyra baffled him. The notion downright eluded the kobold. And the fact that Lobstrosity was ineffective at keeping their presence to a minimum only galled him further.

Someone was getting flayed, it didn't matter who. Perhaps the kobold would even volunteer, himself. No, Zetsubo thought to himself, Lyra wouldn't approve of that. She didn't save me just to allow myself to get hurt again. I couldn't do that to her. He wanted to make her happy.

He then noticed the emo-ssassin with the mandolin who was serenading in the corner. For a moment, Zetsubo thought of Mortecai, another emo-ssassin and a beloved friend. He missed his friend and envyied his beautiful death.

...If a double-decker bus. Crashes into us...

The lyrics slipped in the kobold's ear like a lover's caress, soothing and exciting all at the same time. His eyes rested upon Lyra and all thoughts of Mortecai phased away. The white mage peered at him serenely, the freckles across her nose and cheeks disappeared like camouflage as she blushed slightly. Sigh. My little ginger mage, what would I do without you? Probably kill myself, like I did when Mortecai left...

Zetsubo was tumbling downward into a miasma of woe and concern when he was decidedly snapped back as if he had smelt the aroma of smelling salt. Or kenderstench. the kobold looked up to see that the gully dwarf and bat winged dwarf was now joined by a rotund kender drenched in something, probably his own sweat.

Annoyed with the additional interruption, Zetsubo watched as the gully dwarf embraced the newcome kender, some viscus membrane making a *thwock* sound as it was squished in between the hug. The dwarf with bat wings looked no less demonic with his arms crossed across his chest in disapproval, probably in regards to the gully dwarf's sudden lack of distress. "Guys..." the kender whined like a prepubescent teenager whose found out his mother raided his National Geographic magazines and took out the aboriginal issues, "I need to take my Test, or I'll never be able to be a real mage. Where is Bobass? He said he'd help but I can't find him."

"Bobass? That merc is probably working freelance for Don Quixote and currently fighting a windmill," the dwarf remarked awaiting for a reaction that didn't come, "or he finally got lock jaw from one of those rusty blades he keeps around." Again, no response from any of his comrades who stared blankly at him. "Alright, the bastard's getting drunk with some sultry red mage back at the MageCon."

The rotund kender ran off, trailing a gully dwarf who was still stuck to his waist and left leg. It didn't even appear as if the gully dwarf tried to dislodge himself, he just giggled and repeated "mass transit" in a sing song style.

The dwarf made his leave, presumably to follow though he didn't seem to want to. "Bobass is a bastard," Zetsubo called out to the dwarf, "and I did get the joke about Don Quixote."

The dwarf looked at Zetsubo, as if for the first time, "why didn't you say anything then?"

The kobold put on a look of chagrin, "I think... I think I'm a villain in the story, not sure."

The dwarf nodded and continued to follow his strange companions. "Didda Chum Didda Chum!" Lobstrosity began declaring excitedly.

"Now you want to go to MageCon?"

"Chum."

"I don't know if they have any hors d'oeuvres. We can find out," he assured Lobstrosity before turning to Lyra "would you like to go to the MageCon?"

She only looked back without responding, she was having trouble processing what had happened. She didn't even know that the dire lobster was speaking.


 
Aeramae



Ordo Aer: Scholar
RK: 10
MP: 3,280


Member Since:
December 2003


Saturday January 8, 2011 9:50 PM

RE: Picks and Iceholes

Straea looked down at the kender on the floor, rolling her eyes. Luckily for her, he was past noticing that she had "accidentally" kicked the stool from under him. As Bobass righted himself (which is always better than wronging ones self) the red haired mage wondered again what was going on. She slammed her drink and looked around the room, absentmindedly removing the drunk kender's hand when it managed to find itself on her leg.

"I think it might be time we found the rest of your party," she said, and finished her drink in two gulps. She had barely set her empty glass on the bar top when a loud commotion from across the room caught her attention. She nudged Bobass with her foot, and watched with a growing headache as another kender with a gully dwarf attachment wandered around the room, and what sounded like someone saying "ass tranny" over and over.

"We may have found your companions after all," Straea told her drinking partner. "Come on, lets go."

Grabbing his ear, she began to pull him across the room, hoping that these were the droids they were looking for. Shaking her head, she reminded herself they weren't droids, and wondered where the hell that thought had come from. Only one thing was certain, in her slightly vodka addled mind, she had a responsibility to see the rest of this adventure out to the end.


 
jojo


Initiare
RK: 1
MP: 28


Member Since:
March 2009


Friday January 14, 2011 1:45 AM

RE: Picks and Iceholes

"Ass Tranny!!" Trots continued crying out.

Hari rolled his eyes as he scanned the room for a place to wait out the shame. He noticed a familiar dwarven woman off to the buffet side of the room. From his vantage point she seemed to be satisfying an unquenchable hunger over at a one of the shorter tables (Not a pretty picture I assure you). Harri took only a few steps and noticed that she was not gorging herself on food, but one someone smaller than herself.

"Excuse me miss?" Hari called

The portly woman spun towards Hari. "Leave me alone or I will unscrew your head and drop a load down your neck !"

Hari's jaw dropped at the sight of his girlfriend standing before him. "Your cheating on me with a ugly, hairy footed, hobbit?!"

"Well Actually..." the Hobbit began

Hari's face turned brick red. "Shut your Shire Hole, Dumbo teabaggins!"

"Hari be a man about this!" The Female Dwarf shot back.

"That's physically impossible! I'm a Dwarf!"

"I wash my hands of the weirdness, good bye Hari." She slung the hobbit over her shoulder like a sack of rotten potatoes and stormed out of the room.

Strings thought this the best time for a mood setter. He bagan plucking his mandolin and broke into song

This may never start.
We could fall apart.
And I'd be your memory.
Lost your sense of fear.
Feelings insincere.
Can I be your memo......"

Hari felt the anger that had built in his hart flow through his chest, into his arm, and by extension, his already clinched fist. The anger shock wave exploded right into strings face. Shooting him across the room, landing him squarely between the legs of Straea.

Bobass jumped into the air and pumped his fist "That, was, AWESOME!"

"But, I love SugarCult Hari." trots sobbed as he looked to his brother.

Hari strode out of the tower with a look of pure rapture on his face (like he just had the greatest sexual experience of his life. You know the one, or not.).

[Edited by jojo on Friday, January 14, 2011 1:47 AM]


 
Benn-Salian


Ordo Terra: Scholar
RK: 7
MP: 1,952


Member Since:
December 2002


Friday January 21, 2011 8:35 AM

RE: Picks and Iceholes

Bobass aided the emo-ssassin by extending his hand. Strings grasped it and as he pulled himself up, he pulled the kender down. The emo-ssassin was soon out of sight.

Bobass fell to the ground, in between Straea's ankles, where the emo-ssassin was previously. The kender was bewildered and his hands reached out instinctively, looking for a handhold to return himself back to his feet. Above him, his hands found something soft, warm and firm. He grabbed and began to pull himself upright.

RIP.

Bobass crash back to the ground. In his hands were the better part of Straea's panties. They were pink and lime green. He noticed the writing on the front. I'm crabby right now, try again later. ; ) Bobass had been looking for this sign. He thought that Straea had been falling for his kender wiles and here was proof. Miss Straea Bottomknot... that has a good ring to it.

Bobass, the kender soldier of fortune who did not need encouragement - just got encouragement. Gods help us all.

Wayreth Forest


Strings had tailed Hari's girlfriend and the hobbit back to a cottage in the woods surrounding the Tower of High Sorcery. The cottage must have belonged to the guardian as he was the only one allowed to enter the woods. These two were bold! The emo-ssassin stalked the couple as the two entered nonchalantly and began some foreplay.

Creeping around outside the bedroom window, Strings heard the female dwarf leave the hobbit alone in the room. With the aid of his emo-ssassin training, Strings easily slipped into the room. Looking around he saw the hobbit tied to the bed, his feet bare and their soles dirty. The hobbit's flannel shirt had been ripped up and currently served as a ball gag. Strings heard the ominous sound of The Devil Went Down to Georgia playing in the other room.

"Where do you get off hobbit?" Strings confronted the halfling who could not reply or defend himself due to his S&M activities. "How dare you harm my friend, Hari, with your debauchery."

The hobbit pulled on the ropes that tied him to the undead guardian's bed posts. His protests absorbed by his appalachian overcoat. Strings rummaged through the hobbit's belongings, tossing aside the cob pipe and banjo, and grabbed the huge jug of Triple X Moonshine.

Strings upended the container of White Lightning, dousing the hobbit from head to toe. The hobbit's eyes widened and reflected the light produced by String's flint. The bed ignited and the hobbit fought his restraints without avail.

The sound of leather zipping up and footsteps alluded Strings to the fact that Hari's girlfriend was returning. "I hope you're thinking about naughty things *Frodo,* I'm looking forward to spanking you," she said as she opened the door. "Oh, by the way the safe word is- is-"

The sight of her lover aflame had left the female dwarf speechless. String's looked her dead in the eye, his disgust aimed at her like a fire hose. "The safe word is..." he spat at her, "I love you, Hari."

With a back flip, Strings exited out through the same window he had came in.

A deep masculine voice from behind Hari's girlfriend responded. "What was the password?" the undead guardian looked around and saw his bed set soaked in hooch and burning slowly to ashes. "Fuck!"

Somewhere near the King's Road


The HAB+H was experiencing difficulties. First and foremost it was stuck in the branches of a tall oak tree. It didn't help matters that both the HAB+H's pilot and copilot were drunk. Detontrophe insisted that the cause of the incident was a cyclic epidemic, gigglehiccup had gotten them stuck in the tree and being stuck in a tree seemed a valid excuse to break out another bottle of gigglehiccup. Davidos was convinced that all of these problems could be resolved if an additional blender was installed.

"If this was a submersible HAB+H then we'd have to start bailing about now," Davidos mused to himself from the floor where he fell and had delayed getting back up.

"Bail?" Detontrophe echoed, aroused from his thoughts, "Ballsar needed bail after that incident with that ergothian street walker."

"Ergoth? I thought we were going to Sanction to see that broken friend of yours?" Davidos asked, obviously perplexed. If he was perplexed about their destination or the best way to drink gigglehiccup while laying on his back was anyone's guess.

"Madong's in Sanction! We need to talk to him before Trots does. If he tells Trots the truth, Ballsar will kill me!" Detontrophe announced in fear.

"You shouldn't have told him the truth about the gully's parents," Davidos replied matter of factly. "You do stupid things when you're drunk."

Detontrophe got up and staggered closer to the other gnome. "No, what's stupid is laying on the escape hatch when you're drunk." Davidos looked inquisitively as he obviously did not follow the omnipresent gnome's train of logic. click. The escape opened and down came Davidos, bottle of gigglehiccup and all.

If a gnomish engineer falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? It does, and it's the sound of a gnomish god laughing his omnipresent ass off.

[Edited by Benn-Salian on Sunday, January 23, 2011 3:02 AM]


 
Benn-Salian


Ordo Terra: Scholar
RK: 7
MP: 1,952


Member Since:
December 2002


Monday February 14, 2011 12:27 AM

RE: Picks and Iceholes

With a pair of still warm panties in his hand, Bobass Bottomknot had a fine idea. He had heard Samsterd's whining protests since it began but had decidedly used some planned ignore with the other kender. He thrust his newly acquired treasure into his pouch and reach his feet, using Straea's finely shaped calves to pull himself up. He then shortened the distance between he and Samsterd. "I know how to conduct your Test in a manner that will instantly propel who ever passes it into instant fame and fortune!"

"Wow! That sound neat!" Trots, still stuck to Samsterd, remarked, unable to hold back any excitement.

Bobass shot the gully dwarf a disdained look to no avail."Hey kid, this is an A-B conversation so get the F out." With that, Bobass grabbed Trot's by his collar and aggressively pulled him off of the other kender. A loud ripping sound and a wincing look on Samsterd's face prompted Bobass to look at Trots who still had a patch of the rotund kender's britches and top layer of skin stuck to him.

"Me not know me had magnetic powers! Neat!" The gully dwarf then began rolling on the floor to find what other debris his magnetic powers would attract.

Bobass shook his head in disinterest and returned to the smelly kender mage. "This is what I want you to do..." Bobass continued to whisper his plan into Samsterd's smelly ear.

"Are you sure about this?" Samsterd inquired, anxiety and concern rising in his face.

Bobass put on his best expression of impatience. "Do you want to rich and famous?" When he saw the mage hesitate he added, "do you at least want to be liked?" Samsterd nodded reluctantly. "Then do it."

Samsterd complied. He raised his hands and a familiar maelstrom encircled the MageCon and everyone in proximity. The world around all the companions in the room slowly shimmered and metaformed into a completely different place. Bobass looked up and saw the scene he had described to Samsterd. A series of ramps and ladders led vertically up and at it's apex was Straea. She was tied up on loose scaffolding and guarded by the dire gorilla, Kong. Bobass wasn't sure but he thought he saw the dire gorilla wearing a neck tie. Stupid Samsterd...

He looked around and saw that the majority of the MageCon's revelers had changed into imps. He saw the imp, *Cloud*, still wearing his cosplay garments. Bobass quickly retrieved the Buster Sword he was denied earlier. He also saw the *Yuna* imp and the *Tifa* imp, as well as others he hadn't met such as the *Seven of Nine* imp and the *Batman* imp. Stupid, but I like it.

Among the imps, Bobass recognized his companions. Hari and Trots standing back to back with the imps, being led by a *Darth Maul* imp, closing in. Trots was calling to his near brother, "No worry, me keep 'em back with magnetic power." Hari did not look relieved.Too bad Hari didn't turn into a imp. An imp with batwings would be awesome.

In another corner, Bobass saw the kobold, Zetsubo and the overgrown crab, Lobstrosity. They too, were being challenged by imps. This group was being led by the *Harry Potter* imp. "No I don't think these imps are the hors d'oeuvres," the kobold was seen snapping at his friend. The *Harry Potter* imp was poking his magic wand menacingly in the dire lobster's direction.

Bobass turned his attention back to Samsterd who was staring up at the dire gorilla, Kong, who was now flinging barrels down the ramps. "At least it's just barrels," Bobass commented, "normally dire gorillas fling their own p- are you even listening?"

Samsterd snapped from the vertigo he was experiencing. "So I have to go up there and rescue Straea?" the rotund kender asked, still taking the whole situation in.

"Precisely." Bobass agreed, "and let me know when you die, it's my turn next."


 
Aeramae



Ordo Aer: Scholar
RK: 10
MP: 3,280


Member Since:
December 2003


Wednesday February 16, 2011 5:12 AM

RE: Picks and Iceholes

One moment, she was surrounded by freaks, a breeze where she hadn't counted on feeling a breeze causing her to frown as she saw her ripped underwear being stuffed into the pouch of an overly amorous kender, the next she was upon a platform tied to a post, guarded by a dire gorilla. Sad to say, this was not her first time being tied to a post on top a platform, but it was the first time a gorilla was her guard.

She looked down at the ground below, and watched as she saw what looked like a crowd of imps surrounding the party she found herself a part of. She couldn't hear what they were saying, but she hoped they were trying to come up with a way to get her down. The gorilla began throwing barrels down, in a very twitchy 8-bit manner. The barrels also fell in that same twitchy 8-bit manner. Straea began to feel hope. If those below could get past the old game technology they seemed trapped in, she may just be able to get out of the ropes, and conduct a quick wardrobe change. After all, she needed a new set of undergarments. As she stood there, it dawned on her that perhaps she would be best just going without, since every time she was with this group, they always went missing.


 
Benn-Salian


Ordo Terra: Scholar
RK: 7
MP: 1,952


Member Since:
December 2002


Thursday May 12, 2011 4:09 AM

RE: Picks and Iceholes

Seven imps circled Zetsubo Despair and Lobstrosity. All were dressed up as either Harry Potter or Hermione. Or at least Zetsubo presumed, it was impossible to differentiate characters when they all wore the same uniform.

One of the *Harry Potter* imps appeared to have taken charge as he alone dared threaten the dire lobster with his prop wand. With a quick snip, Lobstrosity shortened the wand's length by half. The *Harry Potter* imp began stomping in irritation. Apparently, it was not a cheap remake.

The youngest of the *Hermione* imps appeared to try to console the disgruntled *Harry Potter.* She chitted soft sounds and soothed his wand arm gingerly.

Zetsubo became concerned when he saw the young *Hermione's* costume, as the Hogwart's uniform was barely recognizable due to its skimpiness and lack of substance. "Oh woe that has been beseeched," the kobold began to lament, "what has become of our youth when this is considered attractive and sexy. The character is twelve years old in the first book and has not yet attained the proper attributes to pull off a Hogwarts negligee."

The imps paid no attention to the ranting kobold. Lobstrosity took the opportunity to begin mauling the young *Hermione,* beginning with her imp foot. She began screaming like a howler monkey and thrashing in an unproductive manner.

The *Harry Potter* imp took a step forward as if contemplating how to be a hero. Lobstrosity must have been able to see this subtle advance because it stretched out its claw and castrated *Harry Potter* right where his imphood joined the rest of him.

Bobass could be heard laughing uproariously. "Now he's cosplaying as a Eunuch Thanoi!"

Zetsubo continued in his despair. "...and Hogwarts is just another charter school, further draining resources from the public education system..."

Lobstrosity began cutting up the *Hermione* imp and sorting the pieces into white and dark meat piles.

"...If everyone's reading Harry Potter than no one's reading proper text books. Then the Chinese will surpass us in math and science-" Zetsubo halted the rant when he saw that the brood of imps had dispersed, leaving his companion alone to slice deli meats.

"Lobstrosity! If you were able to make sandwiches this whole time you really should have told me. I'm famished!"

A scream, sounding as if it belonged to a junior high school girl, echoed through the room. Samsterd sat huddled on the floor, his fear focused on an encroaching imp.

This imp was cosplayed in a familiar white and canary robes of the kingpriest. A replica of the Glaive of Shortness in his hand was raised high in a threatening manner. The *Detontrophe* imp closed in on the now blubbering kender. Samsterd's clothes darkened a deeper hue below the waistline and a puddle began to form around his ankles.

"That kender has always smelled horrid," Zetsubo mused to the dire lobster, "but now I detect the smell of ammonia."


 
jojo


Initiare
RK: 1
MP: 28


Member Since:
March 2009


Monday September 12, 2011 3:30 AM

RE: Picks and Iceholes

Island of Mithas


It is a perfect day on the island of Mithas. The sun is shining bright and the waves slap against the rocks of the shore where two minotaurs prepare a boat for departure.

"Move it! You slow like a filthy kender!" The largest minotaur shouted at his puny counterpart.

"You cry like one!" The smaller minotaur snapped back.

The monstrous minotaur lifted his tree trunk of a leg and pointed his uncharacteristically smooth posterior in the direction of his overly cocky counterpart.

PFFFBBBTTT!

"You smell like an elf when you fart!"

Unbeknownst to the minotaurs, it is common knowledge that elves have silent farts that smell like fresh cut trees. Did that come off as a bit racist? Yeah that just happened, get over it.

Pepsicola


A furious southwestern wind storm hammers the city of Pepsicola.

Pepsicolons of the Northern Ward are awakened well before dawn by the sounds of shutters slamming against their homes, like loud cannon explosions. Although nothing seems immediately amiss (as per the guard and the Dung Sweeper's Guild), some members of the Pepsicola Bureau of Investigation are dispatched just before the first light, outside the city gates to investigate the possible attack. Since the P.B.I. had not responded after a period of time, a contingent of the guard is sent to ascertain the fate of the P.B.I. When the guard tracks them to the Pepsicola garbage dump not far from the city, all the agents lie dead, covered in their own vomit. Three of the bodies are missing, but little else can be discerned of their deaths. A few torches have been knocked over dangerously close to the remaining bodies (as though the agents had tried to use them for leverage to remain standing). The flames of one such torch began to smolder on the P.B.I's clothing. While the guard returns to the city, the fire spreads from the deceased agent. The garbage heaps catch fire and soon rage out of control.

The southwestern wind, still methane infused, has carried clouds of smoke and soot from the dump conflagration, and within seconds, the peoples of Pepsicola had succombed to a mild sickness characterized by headaches, dizziness, tiredness and nausea. By the time the sun has reached its peak, the fires have reached Pepsicola's Palisades. The warning bells ring out, but the flames consume everything in its path. The inferno rushes over the walls, as though it has a mind of its own. Many guards are caught in the blaze. Pleas for water are heard amongst the screams of agony.

Adjacent to the famed Clitoris Square, located in the center of the city, twelve bison stampede into the Ballsar's Purple Palace Feast Hall. By the time the animals are gone, three patrons and five feast hall girls (wearing naught but high-heel shoes and gold dust) are dead due to the animals attack.

In a tavern, a one-eyed minator sailor starts a brawl, breaking the arms of four elves, and proceeds to swing a kender by his ankles, using him as a club. "Ouch, cutpurse!" the kender wails, "Wait! Why did I say that?!"

During the turmoil, Lord Ballsar Rockhard looks down from his terrace. He curse's his luck and expletives are interlaced with the name Detontrophe. The gnome god could have intervened, but obviously hadn't. Within the anarchy, Ballsar's attention is drawn to a singularly unique situation. He watched as a young debutante's toga caught on fire. As she cried out, she tore her toga from her body in an effort to protect the supple skin underneathe. Ballsar felt something happening in the location of his dwarfhood as he looked on. Upon closer inspection, he was surprised to find his hand already cupping his dwarfhood as he rose up on his tip toes. Some things just come naturally.

Even as dusk approaches the South Ward continue to be engulfed in the fart fueled flames. A phallic shaped silo, filled with the king's personal lubricant explodes sending globs of frothy, hot oil far into the air overhead. The spray landed haphazardly across the vicinity. One of the trampled gold dust girls took a grease job to the face.

Several claims, later reported, stated that the members of the fire brigade were seen chasing a red goblin through the streets. The insistent goblin was observed to be wearing the fire chief's hat wit several fire hoses wrapped around his chest. Arguement that "this fire hose is mine, I left it here yesterday! Let me have them. Stop chasing me!" could be heard by all.

Yancy McGregor was putting ouit fires contained in the Dung Sweepers' garbage carts. There he found eleven bodies of the Watch, all decapitated. Curiously, the bodies show several days of decay. The true cause of their death was lost on Yancy, who had an intellegence score of 6.

All over the city, water closets became so hot that the chamber pots inside began boiling. The sweet smell of stank shit-stew permeated down every street. There was an exodus of pepsicolon skunks as they were concerned that an alpha skunk had arrived.

After the fires die and the citizens begin to have hopes that life could return to normal. The most disturbing news begins to circulate. Rumors involve the disappearance of Ballsar Rockhard. Ballsar's man-servant, Leonardo Monte'oglo, claim that he was alone and asleep in his room, unaware of the apoctolyptic fires. By his account, when he finally woke, he reported that he witnessed a fashionably loud dwarf enter Ballsar's bed chamber. Within moments, as alledged by Leonardo, voices were raised and property damage ensued. When the Castle Guards arrived on the scene the only evidence discovered was the motely colored outer coat, likely left behind by the fashionably loud dwarf that Leonardo described. Ballsar's Imperial Gilded Cod Piece was also discovered to everyone's dismay. Ballsar loved that cod piece and only parted with it when 'in session.' Leonardo was taken into custody as his blood alcohol level was over the limit and the man servent openly admitted to the use of hallucinogetics.

This writer would like to be on record stating that I never trusted that user.

Ansalon


Thousands of barns explode all over the continent of Ansalon, due to the methane enhanced wind which responded undesirably with the hidden drug labs. The drug chemicals soon contaminated the rivers and streams. It was said that animals drank the water, and became messed up on speed, LSD, acid and antihistamine. Giraffes fough by hitting one another in the balls and monkeys became quite frisky with horny toads. I would have paid a pretty copper to have seen that!

High Tower of Sorcery in Wayreth


A stiff and foul wind whipped through the Tower of Wayreth. Flames of the now methane enhanced candles caught on the tower's heavy woolen curtains. The fires began so fast that it burned out of control killing many of the cosplay mage-imps. The surviving mage-imps became enraged at the sight of the fires, and began nailing the crispy ones to crosses and trying on their underwear. I'm sure the putrid smell of the crispy imps did nothing to help the situation at all. At this point, it looked like chaos was well on its way. Everyone rushed to leave the remnant of the adjoined auditorium at the same time. A group of imp-mages got trampled to death as they were tangled in pairs of stolen undergarments. I heard that in the confusion a pack of wild dogs was seen screwing the corpses. Who knew that wild dogs had such low standards?

Hari led Trots and Zetsubo out from the abandoned MageCon. Straea (who demonstrated that she is quite capable of untying herself when accidently left bound) pulled the unconscious body of Bobass from the flames. The afflicted kender would claim it was the other way around and demand a kiss. Samsterd and Strings exited the charred scene staring at one another, both equally disgusted with the other. Lobstorsity was seen chasing the white mage, Lyra with that hungry look in his stalk eye. "Didda Chum!" Unfortunately, some of the imp-mages had managed to make it to a safe distance from the engulfed tower as well. Their ill gotten panties were not as lucky.

"You know, before the fire caught I was thinking of this one time I was dancing with this girl and she told me she had a yeast infection." Hari started his story trying to lighten the mood. "Normally that'd ruin the evening but I decide to tell her to bake me a loaf of bread, a couple of corn muffins, and a jelly doughnut. Or if maybe she could just bend over and give me a nice pineapple upside down cake. Actually, a dozen oatmeal cookies, assuming there are no raisins, doesn't sound bad at the moment. I'm always in the market for quality baked goods."

The whole group turned and stared at Hari, obviously not amused and slightly confused.

Zetsubo came to the winged dwarf's defense, "Hehe, no that really was funny. You see, he used a play on words with the word, yeast."

Still no one offered a chuckle. "You guys suck," Hari lamented, "thanks anyways Zets".

A gentle rain began and snuffed out the last remaining embers, creating a dark grey ash. This allowed the group to dispearsed to look for survivors, and deal with potential witesses.

Hari and Samsterd locate the better half of the Dire Gorilla. Hari turned to the rotund kender, "Look at this! It looks like some of the imps rolled him over and cornholed him a few times. I know we are looking for survivors and all, but do you think anyone would want to survive this level of sodomy?"

Samsterd blinked a few times as he contemplated if Hari was attempting another joke. "What's sodomy?"

Hari walked off without another word.

"Hehehe!" Trots giggled from behind Samsterd. The gully dwarf pointed in the direction of the gorilla's posterior. "I can see his dingle berries!" Unbeknownst to the young gully, they were not dingle berries. No one had told him that the color of dire gorellahoods were also black as shit.

Justin Bieber Concert

"...and I was like baby, baby, baby, oh
Like baby, baby, baby, no
Like baby, baby, baby, oh
I thought you'd always be mine, mine..."


JoJo leaned over to the mother of an excited eight year old girl who stood next to him, "I feel his pain. This song makes me wish for the beautiful death. Perhaps after this I'll go home and cut my wrists."

The mother appraised the emossassin."I could never commit suicide," she commented, "I'm having too much fun watching you idiots."


 
Benn-Salian


Ordo Terra: Scholar
RK: 7
MP: 1,952


Member Since:
December 2002


Monday September 12, 2011 6:45 AM

RE: Picks and Iceholes

The City of Sanction reeked of evil sulfur. The denizens of Sanction meandered through its streets as if they were unaware of the city's evilness, or worse were accustomed to it. Most evil cities, like Chicago, are evil because of corrupt government, but Sanction voted to recall Adolf Hitler when he was governor for being too soft on the city's kender population, and Osama bin Laden was too afraid to run for the position after that.

The first thing Detontrophe saw when he entered the city was a pigeon throwing up profusely. The dirty bird was tweeting its agitation between dry heaves. The omnipresent gnome shoved the pigeon out of his way and only glanced back when it fell into the magma river and exploded in a loud pop, the smell of exhausted methane clinging in the air. "who says I can't show mercy?"

The sign of the Belching Fury Inn and Pub was in disrepair. The only paint that wasn't faded was the graffiti by some street urchin. The building itself left much to be desired as well. Creeping vines were fixed to the building's sides as if they had been laid on a medieval torture rack, which was quite ominous since adjacent to the vines, the village drunk actually was stretched out on such a device and screamed profusely. Ignoring the man's cries, Detontrophe entered the building.

On the inside, sitting next to the door was an ogre. He was of a large, hulking size and wore a look as if staring elsewhere through an imaginary window. The gnome's presence had little effect on the ogre who began to stimulate himself by flapping a picture book he held in his left hand.

"Dammit, Gary the Autistic Ogre, you're suppose to be watching the door," the man behind the bar began berating, " Ariakas will be flippant pissed!"

"You mind your business bartender, this bastard's here to see me," a gruff, forced voice spoke from one of the booths. Detontrophe peered through the room's smoke and recognized Madong. The dark dwarf looked even more decrepit, with the addition of an eye patch covering his left eye and blood stain at the corner of his mouth that indicated a case of scurvy.

"I don't need no reason to yell at Gary the Autistic Ogre, so mind your business, Hook." The bartender turned back to the ogre and began poking him with the push broom.

Detontrophe took a seat in the booth, across from Madong. The gnome looked around the Belching Fury and noticed how it looked like every Denny's he had ever been in. Except since it was in Sanction that made this an evil Denny's, which is more or less like every Denny's he had ever been in.

"Did he just call you Hook?" Detontrophe asked his malformed companion.

"Oh that, they like to call me Hook on account of my quick left punch," Madong explained.

An awkward pause took place between the two before Detontrophe broke the silence. "Are you sure Hook's not short for HooksToTheLeftTwice?"

"Knock the shit, gnome. I know why you're here," Madong said agitated. "The gully dwarf child hasn't been around since last I came into port."

Detontrophe looked slightly more relaxed, but that was only part of his fears. "He'll come in time, Bobass is only half as crazy as he let's on. I trust that you can keep your own council when Trots does come."

"And why should I?" Madong interrupted. "This is exactly the thing that will ruin that rock eater, Ballsar Rockhard. And you dropping that waif on Samsterd and me doesn't put sugar on the grapefruit either. I lay our separation at your feet!" The broken dwarf realized that his tirade had began to gather attention and sank back into the booth.

Just then, the door to the Belching Fury slammed open. Gary the Autistic Ogre immediately covered his ears, the sound of the slam having overloaded his sensory input. The person who was responsible for the intrusion stood in the door. He was a lean, old man with a slant to his eye that made him look a con man selling snake oil. "Y'all wouldn't believes this but there's a fellow who says he'll clean up ta whole town," the old man allowed himself a snicker, and looked to gauge the reaction of the Belching Fury patrons. "The fool fancies hi'self some type of sheriff. Says his name is Boobies Bottom-snot or something." The old coot laughed some more.

"Det damn it!" the gnome swore to himself, "they're already here."


 
Benn-Salian


Ordo Terra: Scholar
RK: 7
MP: 1,952


Member Since:
December 2002


Monday November 28, 2011 12:17 AM

RE: Picks and Iceholes

The fellowship of companions followed the afflicted kender, Bobass Bottomknot, from the Tower of High Sorcery to the city of Sanction with a staple of imp mages in tow.

Lobstrosity peered among the company he now shared. His thoughts went to the gully dwarf. The dire lobster determined that it could prove to be an easy meal. The white mage at the Tower had been quite satisfying so the dire lobster could bide his time for the moment. His eyestalks later focused upon Zetsubo. The kobold continued to converse with that winged dwarf. Lobstrosity's mood became decidedly sour. This was demonstrated by his loud grumblings. "Didda didda didda didda..."

"... Batman!" Lobstrosity looked up to see *Batman,* the imp mage who had cosplayed as the caped crusader. While the cheeky imp was enjoying a few moments in the foreground of the story and distracted, he received a resounding claw across the face.

"Halt!" came a resounding baritone voice. The voice belonged to a large, commanding man dressed in dragonscale armor. "I am the lord mayor, Ariakas. I have come for the one called Bottomsnot." He continued to survey the group wondering which one of these misfits knew where to find the would-be sheriff.

"I beg your pardon," the afflicted kender stepped forward, dropping a poleaxe in the process. "the name is Bottomknot. Bobass Bottomknot. Next time, try not to be such a douchebag."

Ariakas studied the kender for a moment. "Bobass..." he contemplated, "didn't I fire you at Storm's Keep?"

"Of course not," Bobass protested abruptly before thinking, "wait... yes you did. Where's my severance package? I want all my half!"

"You little, upstart cutpurse," Ariakas growled to himself, "tell me why I shouldn't just throw you in the stockades?"

The kender thought fast. " I have fugitive mage imps. If your stockades need warming, I insist you allow them to do the warming."

Madong watched on as the former dragon lord and the kender squared off. He saw the mage imps and recognized Samsterd's handiwork. He missed that rotund, smelly motherlover, though he'd never mention that aloud.

"Be at ease, lord mayor, this ignoramus is known to me," the dark dwarf intervened, "The god, Chaos, diddled his mother so he says half crazy things all the time, nothing of consequences really."

Ariakas turned his gaze to Madong and made the dark dwarf feel a third kink in his dwarfhood develop.

"I can assure you as well," Detontrophe added, "that you're better served having the kender walk through your town than holding him up in the middle of it."

Ariakas threw his hands up at one more intrusion. "If there are problems, I will hang you all by your toes." The former liason of the Dark Queen took off without looking back.

"Det damn it," Detontrophe swore to himself, " Bobass, why do you need to show up at such bad times? Do you want me to hang by my toes? No, don't answer that!" he stifled the responding kender (and suddenly developed some empathy for his old friend, Ballsar,) "why are you here? Don't you have a job to do?"

"I'm finding the Lord and Lady Hidiougroogly, Trot's true parents," he reminded the omnipresent gnome.

"You nitwit!" Madong berated the kender, "Gully dwarves aren't born from lords and ladies. They come from other gully dwarves or at best gnomes and dwarves."

Detontrophe gave his decrepit friend a horrid glare. The glare could have taken the paint right off a house. For Madong, it took the better part of his acne cream. Poof, gone. But it was too late, the proverbial cat was out of the proverbial bag and the (hopefully) proverbial shit would soon hit a proverbial fan.

"I'm sorry, you're looking for the gully dwarf's biological parents?" Zetsubo interjected, "as I recall, from reading Fark Asp Coont Kiri-Jolith, it was Detontrophe who first appeared with the infant Trots. Furthermore, he is, in fact, a gnome. I would think that's a good place to start."

Everyone became very quiet. Trots looked around, overwhelmed by the declaration. "What did little dinosaur say?" he asked Hari.

The winged dwarf looked upon his near brother and chose his words carefully. "He thinks that Detontrophe is your... your father."

The gnome immediately slumped to the ground, defeated. All he had protected and avoided lost in a moment to the reasonings of a kobold.

Understanding slowly came to Trots. His eyes grew as large as saucers. The gully dwarf suddenly began to rummage through his pockets. He produced a large necktie. It was soiled and dirty, but it was still noticeably bright red and sporting the letters, DK.

"Happy Father's Day!" the gully dwarf yelled as he ran over to the crestfallen gnome.

Zetsubo leaned over to Hari and whispered, "is that from the dire gorilla?"


 
jojo


Initiare
RK: 1
MP: 28


Member Since:
March 2009


Monday March 5, 2012 1:57 AM

RE: Picks and Iceholes

Hari nodded his head in answer to his newly found friends' question. The necktie had indeed come from the Dire Gorilla, although Hari wasn't completely sure how his near brother had come to possess the overly large thing.

Hari felt an odd bit of pride as he looked at Trots trying to put the Dire Gorilla's tie on his recently acquired father. "Perhaps I've been too hard on the little gully. I should pay more attention to him. He needs my guidance."

With the new feeling of purpose welling up in Hari, he let out a sigh that was immediately followed by a grin that seemed to put his soul to rest.

Zetsubo watched the wave of pure emotional release wash over his comrade. The strong emotions of the situation seemed to be infectious. Zetsubo looked on with feelings of something that he had not felt since his time with his late companion Mortecai, a bromance.

Hari's eyes widened, a thought crept into his brain like a worm into moist soil. "I should host a coming of age party. Yeah, that's what should happen. A Gully Mitzvah!"

* * *


A few hours later, Trots stood at a pulpit. He was adorned in makeshift gnomish robes and stared down at the Chronicles of Detontrophe with a puzzled look on his face. Hari had told him that he needed to read the ancient scriptures as a rite of passage.

"Scribbles, what me sposed to do with this? Me know!"

Trots cleared his throat. "The ants go marching one by one, hurrah, hurrah, the little one stops to suck his thumb, Hi-ho, the derry-o, the farmer in the dell…"

"…one for the master, as I went to Bonner, I met a pig without a wig. This is the cock that crowed in the morn, out came the sun and dried up all the rain…"

"…this nurse takes a cow, kissed the girls and made them cry, Georgie Porgie ran away. He stuck a feather in his hat and called it macaroni."

With a dramatic wave of his hand he finished. "And the dish ran away with the spoon."

"Did I do well brother?"

"That was, special, Trots." Hari greeted his brother as he stepped off the stage.

"There are a few more things that happen when you come of age. I'd like you to follow me to the next room."

"What is it brother?!" Trots asked excitedly

'You'll see."

* * *


Trots found himself placed on a restraining board, and straps secured his hands and feet. Hari stood close by and reassured the gully dwarf "Trots this is for your protection. There's nothing to be afraid of."

"Of course not, brother, you're here." Trots stated calmly "Me trust you."

The door to the room swung open to reveal a tall man. The lab coat and stethoscope suggested that he was a doctor of sorts. His mascara and the fact that his stethoscope was plugged into an iPod was a clear indication that this doctor was emo-ssassin, and therefor likely a surgeon. Without introduction the emo-surgeon crossed the room and took hold of Trots's belt in one hand and unfastened it with expert precision. Pants were glided down thighs and calves all in an effort to ensure that the gullyhood stood out exposed. The gullyhood twitched in concern.

"Umm brother…" Trots called out, his young voice cracking with anxiety, "will he do what me think he do?"

"Oh! No, no, no," Hari reassured, his voice filled with revelation and amusement, "it's nothing like that. He's a professional. But you should be prepared. This will be quite painful."

Trots watched on as the emo-surgeon went back to his work. He wheeled over his medical instruments. He placed tight adhesions on the foreskin to separate it from the head of Trots's gullyhood. The foreskin was held in place by metal clamps while a cut was made into the foreskin to about one-third of its length, causing it to look like a ripped turtleneck collar.

Hari had to turn away as Trots screamed in agony. Up to this point he had not seen his brother so encumbered by the real world and the pain that could be found there. The gully dwarf had always been unaffected and able to carry on. Until this moment, that is. Hari hoped that he hadn't inadvertently ruined everything. Only time would tell.

The emo-surgeon then placed a small metal bell over the head of the gullyhood to protect it, and the foreskin was pulled up over the bell and was given a reverse bowl cut.

And just as soon as it began, it ended. With the last few flicks of an emo-surgeon wrist, the maimed gullyhood was wrapped in bandages and gauze. "Thanks Hari!" Trots replied almost cheerfully, "Now it dressed up like a mummy. Me not know it was Halloween time for gullyhoods. Trick or treat!"

Moments later Trots was removed from the restraining board and able to meet with Hari in the recovery room. "Good. That's out of the way now," Hari began, "We can talk about what's really important. As an adult, there are certain expectations. Luckily for you, you won't have to do this alone. I was able to arrange a suitable match for you and the dowry has been taken care of."

"Suitable match? Me not understand."

"Trots, you know that I'm just trying to help you."

"No, me not understand the words. Explain please."

"Oh," the winged dwarf chuckled to himself, "It just means you're getting married. Her name is *Claire Bennet,* you are going to fall in love with her. And you should do that soon cause you're now engaged to one another."


 
Benn-Salian


Ordo Terra: Scholar
RK: 7
MP: 1,952


Member Since:
December 2002


Monday March 5, 2012 2:13 AM

RE: Picks and Iceholes

* * *


"Circumcision?" the gnomish god, Detontrophe, exclaimed incredulously at Hari, who made no attempts to explain himself. "A circumcised gullyhood is about as odd as an emo-ssassin without his favorite black hoodie!" Again, no apologies from the winged dwarf.

It was soon decided that the impromptu surgery need not alter the gnome's plans so he acquired the gully fruit of his loins and encouraged Trots to leave with him. What appeared to be a tear on the gully's cheek was observed by Detontrophe. He hadn't known the boy to cry before. So much to learn.

Detontrophe walked down the road with his son, Trots. Yes, he could call him that now. The consequences be damned. The gnome passed his son a bottle of gigglehiccup and watched the gully dwarf drink deep.

"We're here," the gnome father announced. Gully dwarf son looked around, unsure where here was. "This is the Maypole. That Hari of yours would never take you to a place like this." Detontrophe explained and then added, "It's a good thing your father is the Patron of Shenanigans."

Trots walked into the establishment while his father held the door for him. A large orc sitting near the room began to demand some documentation from the gully dwarf, but Detontrophe waved him off. Trots was encouraged to have a seat at a table close to the front of the Maypole. The gully dwarf was handed another glass of gigglehiccup. He took a moment to look around the Maypole. He saw half a dozen tables surrounding a stage. The stage sported a long aluminum pole in the middle of it and looked like it had been worked a time or two before. Along the back wall Trots noticed a series of neoclassical arches. Under each arch was a curtain that could be drawn closed, as many already were.

"Drink," his father encouraged, "it's almost time."

"Time for what?" Trots asked.

"For you to finish your drink," Detontrophe replied without commenting further.

As the gully dwarf began to drink deep, a loud voice of the announcer caused him to spill alcohol on himself. "Hey everybody, quit your grinnin' and drop your linen, because coming up to the stage next is a girl who's so hot, she's on fire. Better take out your hose and put her out! She's sexy, she's naughty, give it up for the lovely Paige!"

With the announcement came a tall elf dressed in her smallclothes and high heel boots with a clunky heel. She held a fleece blanket around her shoulders and occasionally opened it up to draw attention to her spandex bra. The attempt was to be erotic but it came off more like a trench coat at a playground. "Why aren't any of you asking for a lap dance?" the elven exotic dancer chastised the room, "are you all a bunch of faggots?"

Detontrophe pulled away from his open mouth gapes to check the gully dwarf's reaction. He was annoyed to find his son in the fetal position with his head wedged between his own knees. "C'mon my boy," the gnome encouraged, "You're a man now. You can't be afraid of breasts. We're coming up on her second song. This is when it gets good." True to gnome's words, the song ended and Bad Girlfriend by Theory of a Deadman began to play:

She likes to shake her ass
She grinds to the beat
She likes to pull my hair
when I make her grind her teeth


Trots decided to give it the old kindergarten try and give it one more look. He touched his lucky fingers and then saw what Papa Det referred to as the good part. Trots noticed that the elven dancer, Paige, now laid on her blanket like she was at a picnic. Trots liked picnics. He also noticed that she had pulled aside her spandex panties and had placed her thumb in her backdoor elf hole. Trots eyes grew to the size of saucers as he witnessed her pluck out her thumb and splash the gully dwarf with rectum wetness. "holy crap!" Trots exclaimed, "that a lot of glitter!"

"Why aren't you relaxing?" Detontrophe demanded from his gully son, "You're acting like this is torture. Don't you like girls yet?"

"Girls are good," Trots reassured his father as he felt a weight on his lap. The gully dwarf inspected the issue and discovered Paige attempting to take his belt off with her teeth. Trots gave her a good swat with an open hand to deter her. "That's mine. Go find your own." The elven exotic dancer quickly stormed off and turned her attentions to some elderly dwarf in a cowboy hat. Her clunky stripper boots clop, clop, clopping away in her redirected search for attention and coin.

Detontrophe had observed the gully dwarf's response to the dancer's wiles. Perhaps Paige wasn't his son's type. The gnome pulled out some paper money and waved over a buxom human with hair the color of nightshade. "Hello, my dear," he said with his best cheesy grin, "what's your name?"

The girl leaned over and demonstrated that she was quite capable of pressing her breasts together to enhance her cleavage while she told the gnome her name was Diamond. "Diamond, this is my son, Trots," he gestured to the gully dwarf who was still putting his belt away and making comparisons to some goblin named Mal'rash, "Trots is a man today. I'd like you to help him celebrate."

Diamond smiled a sultry, knowing smile but Trots interrupted. "I can't! Brother Hari says I'm engaged now."

"Engaged!" The gnome almost choked on the words. "I didn't know dwarves still practiced arranged marriages. Well, Trots, think of this as a bachelor party and it will be okay." He waved the gorgeous Diamond to continue her work.

"Come with me, little one," she spoke breathily, just above a whisper as she turned towards the curtained arches. She reached her hand behind her as if to grab Trots's hand but instead groped his gullyhood and gave it a playful squeeze.

Trots became instantly and keenly aware of the exotic dancer's hand and his gullyhood as it strived to push back against her hand. The blood rushed to his nether regions and caused his pride and joy to swell. It would have swelled to its more than two inch capacity but this gully erection would be severely limited due to his sutures from the recent surgery. That did nothing to stop the onslaught of young adult hormones. Just as it did with the levies of New Orleans, the power of nature ran its course and ruptured Trots's no longer pride and definitely not joy. He then understandingly buckled in pain and screamed in agony.

Everyone in attendance at the Maypole shifted their attention to the traumatized gully dwarf in bewilderment as none of them knew he had recently had a circumcision performed. Because everyone was watching Trots, no one saw as a fashionably loud dwarf, Dougan Redhammer and Ballsar Rockhard burst through the entrance way. Ballsar shortened the distance between himself and Detontrophe and connecting a back hand across the gnome's temple and sent him to the floor. "I know who Trots's mother is, Det. And that's pretty low, even for you!"

Dougan ran over to subdue the enraged dwarf."That's not making anything better, lad." The former god, who was also known as Reorx, stood between the two friends until tempers cooled and bruises healed.

"I was trying to do you a favor, Ballsar." Detontrophe tried to explain as he held a hand to his temple. "I knew about your daughter, Danipza, and I was trying to mitigate the damage that green witch, Rosetta would try to cause. But when I met Danipza, one thing led to another. I never meant to let it happen. You have to believe me. I never wanted to hurt you."

"That's not important now, lad," Dougan interjected. "Danipza's here with us, she'd outside. She wants to meet her son."

"Mama?" Trots interrupted. His eyes were wide and filled with tears, at the recent disclosure or the groin pain was anyone's guess.

"Det," Ballsar, now reclaiming his calm, spoke to his friend, "While I am mad that you held this from me, this isn't about us. It's about Trots, who apparently is my grandson, and Danipza, who is a very concerned teen mom. She has a right to see him." The dwarf looked around the Maypole, a welcome sight any other time but not an appropriate place for a reunion between gully dwarf and mom. "Do you think you can do something about all this?" Detontrophe nodded.

* * *


When the gnome's maelstrom of magic subsided, Trots found himself sitting in the middle of a long table. He noticed that he experienced no more pain and was elated over it. He looked around and saw many familiar faces. He saw sitting to his right his father, Detontrophe, next to Gilthan, who was now his half brother. The god and Speaker of the Penguin looked on the gully dwarf with unconditional love. The kind of love that law enforcement has for jelly doughnuts. He also saw his newly acquired Aunt Phyllis who was still very pregnant. She gingerly ran a hand across her womb, soothing Trots's soon to be new cousin.

The gully dwarf looked quickly to his left. He saw his mother, Danipza, who looked at him with adoring eyes. She had definitely missed her son but he was back now. Sitting next to her was Ballsar and the green witch, Rosetta, who were his grandparents. Ballsar and Rosetta glared at one another, unsure how to respond to one another. Though they may not care for one another, Trots was confident they both loved him.

Trots also noticed, sitting at the table further down, his adopted parents Samsterd and Madong. He looked on as they gazed into one another's eyes, the time and distance away from one another forgotten and hidiougroogly love returned. He was also glad to see the winged dwarf, Hari, who he considered closer than any brother could be. He even recognized Sanchez and his father, Ake, who had taken Trots in at a time that seemed so long ago now. Trots remembered days he had fought with Sanchez like cats and dogs fight with draconian lepers. That, too, seemed a long time ago.

It was here, that a search for parents and a hidiougroogly heritage ended. The gully dwarf, who had no family, realized that he had the family he needed all along, both biological and otherwise. Trots, the gully dwarf who could, stood up and clinked a water glass to get everyone's attention. "Gods bless us, everyone," he announced.

"I will get right on that," Detontrophe smirked.

The serene moment was broken up when the arguments of different gods overshadowed the event. "Move aside, Reorx. I know that the gnome upstart is here. You are no longer able to challenge me."

"Chemosh, I have no intentions of standing in your way. I merely ask that you respect the family dinner of this gully dwarf."

"I have no interest in gully dwarf eating habits," the other voice, the god of the dead, Chemosh, retorted. "My kobold tells me that Detontrophe is here. Tell him!"

Zetsubo's voice solemnly added to the interruption. "It is so."

After more commotion, the entrance door swung open, revealing Chemosh standing over the toppled body of the former god, Reorx. The smell of chrysanthemums and death lilies filled the room. The Lord of Bones appeared as a bloated satyr with a goat's skull head, his faun-like hands gripping Zetsubo Despair firmly against his will.

Hari launched himself from his chair and ran to Zetsubo. The winged dwarf was thrown back when the dark god flicked his wrist. Hari was battered, but not beat. He raised himself to his feet and reconsidered his tactics.

"Enough Chemosh!" Detontrophe bellowed from his seat. "You're obviously here to see me. Leave Hari and Zetsubo alone."

Chemosh released the kobold, who fell to the ground in a slump. The dire lobster ran over in an attempt to nibble at Zetsubo's clothes. The dark god's eyes remained on Detontrophe as he floated towards the gnome, his cloven feet hovering inches from the ground. "You know why I'm here," his voice a whisper like the last gas passed from a cadaver.

"You're upset because I'll cheat death," Detontrophe revealed, "being a god of shenanigans has its perks."

"You'll relinquish that godhood," Chemosh demanded of the gnome, who looked back skeptically.

The lord of death and decay disappeared. He instantly reappeared behind Trots, causing the gully dwarf to shit himself in fear. "I will have one soul or another," the satyr threatened with a neutral tone.

The gnome grimaced with determination. He, then, allowed his face to reveal concern. The gully dwarf son that he had forsaken out of fear and reprisal stood before him, his eyes pleading with the depth of words that the gully dwarf could never understand the meaning of. "Okay, Chemosh. It is done."

The gnome, still in his pristine kingpriest robes, looked a little less omnipresent. The golden hue that had encircled him for so long now, dimmed to its original gnomish color. His robes already began to show signs of discoloration and soot in some places. Somehow, Detontrophe looked a little older and world worn. His eyes locked on the satyr god who had not released Trots yet.

"He said it is done!" the booming voice of Reorx called from behind Detontrophe. The dwarven god looked splendid once again in his vibrant, although mismatched clothes. The two gods, Reorx and Chemosh, stared at one another before quickly vanishing, leaving the graygem family alone.

"I love you dad," Trots called out. Detontrophe merely nodded in his exhaustion.

* * *


Hari held the body of Zetsubo Despair as the kobold came to. The winged dwarf attempted to keep the hungry dire lobster at bay with his free hand. "Didda didda!" Lobstrosity yelled in frustration.

"What's that Lobstrosity?" Zetsubo asked.

"Didda didda. Chee!"

"I don't understand Lobstrosity, you're not making sense."

"The beast is just chittering," Hari explained to the kobold, "lobsters can't talk."

Zetsubo continued to listen to the dire lobster, unable to translate the guttural noises. Maybe they don't talk at that. "Hey! It's gone," Zetsubo announced, redirecting himself. When he saw that Hari didn't understand, he explained further, "Chemosh's curse. It's gone. I was never able to die before, try as I might. But now, that's over."

"Does this mean you'll complete your suicide this time?" Hari asked, not sure how to feel about the revelation.

"Almost absolutely!" Zetsubo declared, "just not today. I've too much stuff to do. One day, of my own choosing, I will. But once again, not today."


 
Benn-Salian


Ordo Terra: Scholar
RK: 7
MP: 1,952


Member Since:
December 2002


Saturday March 17, 2012 11:07 PM

RE: Picks and Iceholes

Epilogue


TROTS wasn't sure he would like marriage, but he trusted his brother, Hari. If Hari said that this *Claire Bennet* was an amazing woman, why wouldn't he consider himself lucky? He still had his lucky fingers, didn't he? Trots leaned back in his recliner and released a sigh of contentment. It was that sigh that let *Claire Bennet* know that he was home from his job as a bean counter. She came in the room, hands on hips, yelling at the gully dwarf about the toilet seat being up, the garbage not being taken out and the garage door not being fixed. Trots smiled his little gully smile and agreed to complete his 'honey do' list. It had been entirely too long since Trots has someone to tell him what to do and at least *Claire Bennet* was beautiful. For a mage-imp, that is.

* * *


ROSETTA, the Green Witch, was disappointed in her daughter, DANIPZA. The girl had likely ruined the last chance she had to get herself a respectable husband. "And he was a nice doctor with an apartment in Palanthas and plenty of frequent flier miles to visit your mother whom you never call anymore. The gods forbid you end up with some shiksa like that Rockhard." Danipza rolled her eyes. She had heard this before. "Danipza," her mother began again, "why have you stopped your piano lessons? Are you hungry? What do you need? A sandwich? A nap? Some cake? Why don't I practice piano for you so that you can be happy and go play with your friends?" Danipza knew better than to accept that offer, it was dripping in guilt. She sighed to herself and continued to blow bubbles with her bubblegum.

* * *


BALLSAR stood at the front of the temple in a very nice tuxedo and admitted to himself that he had never looked sexier. He looked out across the sea of faces of people who had attended today's ceremony. Familiar dwarven faces sat in pews on his right side and unfamiliar mage faces to his left. The only familiar mage face, the one belonging to Straea was notably absent. Probably just some Wedding Day Jitters he reminded himself for the hundredth time. Someone started walking down the aisle. Ballsar's hopes were dashed when he recognized Dougan Redhammer, who was standing in as clergy today. The dwarven god headed straight to Ballsar and whispered something in his ear. Apparently Straea's dressing room was empty and she was nowhere to be found. "By Sargonnas's swollen sphincter!" he swore at the news, "I will not pay for the catering this time!"

* * *


STRAEA was in the bathroom, ensuring she was at her cutest. She did not want a repeat of what happened when she crashed the White House dinner party. She had been forced to have a wardrobe malfunction before anyone had noticed her entrance. That wasn't necessarily a defeat in her book. It just helped strengthen her resolve to do better next time. She checked her hair, making sure the curls had the right amount of bounce before heading back to the party. "Right hand on blue!" The call had signaled that the games had already begun. She sighed as she saw the participants try and often fail at placing their right hands on blue spots. She decided she would not participate in this game. While flexibility was an asset of hers, she believed falling on her ass was not cute. This was the last time she was going to crash a ten year old's birthday party. She should have gone to that wedding she was invited to.

* * *


ZETSUBO descended into the dark cave with his lighted helmet facing the direction he was heading as he loosened the ropes. The kobold took little hops down the walls of the cave. Too large and he would not secure his footing. Zetsubo Despair enjoyed this new activity, spelunking. He approved of the new equipment he had recently purchased. The salesman at the outdoor store, however, was quick to give him a hard time. He spoke at length of the dangers and need for caution. He must not have thought the kobold had taken enough heed as he clearly expressed to him the possibility that he could die. Zetsubo had snickered at that. "When I do die," he explained to the salesman, "I have decided it will be a chill spring morning and there will be cherry blossoms and weeping school girls. I have not packed such things for my trip so I will not die. Thank you for your concern however." Salesmen didn't know anything about death.

* * *


HARI walked the streets of the strange city. Hari thought introspectively to himself that he had finally taken care of his brother, Trots. Hari had to quickly jump out of the way as a 2012 BMW broke his thoughts and almost ran him over. Hari considered the possibility that the driver was intoxicated. Likely. He then thought of his liege lord, Ballsar and, he too, was now taken care of. Hari took a deep breath and continued to his appointment. The winged dwarf hurried the rest of the way across Sunset Boulevard. Hari looked up at the high apartment building. Each floor had its own balcony. Hari pictured his friend, Zetsubo, attempting a fall from one of those. But the kobold was not here. He was taken care of as well. Hari let himself in and slipped by the concierge. He located the call box. Taking a deep breath to settle his nerves, he found the name he was looking for. "Now it's my turn to be taken care of," the winged dwarf prepped himself. He pushed the door bell. Ring. "Hello? This is Hayden Panettiere." Hari grinned to himself. "Hello, Claire, it's Hari, we spoke on the phone…"

* * *


The single story ranch house on Holechisel Street was perfect for SAMSTERD and MADONG. The two had finally decided to make the commitment and move in with one another. They sought out the Hidiougroogly Dream with the little hidiougroogly home and the hidiougroogly picket fence. A moving van backed up the couple's hidiougroogly driveway and Madong opened the trailer and peered inside. He was very distraught that the movers had forgotten to pack his sofa, his dining room table and his historical figure skulls. He complained at great length about it until Samsterd explained to him that it had been his decision not to pack them. His kender lover explained to him that the skulls of ancient politicians and war leaders were a bit macabre and tacky. Madong would have had a domestic disturbance right there and then had he not remembered that he had made the same decision with Samsterd's celebrity bubblegum collection. Give and take at the home that hidiougroogly built.

* * *


BOBASS did not get his fill as a soldier of fortune. The jobs he received were beginning to become mundane. "Get my cat out of the tree." "Return my bra that you borrowed." "Learn to play Hide and Seek without a seeker." The life was no longer glamorous. That's when Bobass decided to join the Marderfarker Navy Seals. It was because of that decision that our kender friend now found himself neck deep in the frigid waters outside of Iglooheim, treading water for his very life. Bobass was so cold it socked him sober. He screamed out about how freezing it was and gave the play by play of a cramp he was developing as well as the shrinkage he was experiencing. The other members of his squad, all eunuch thanoi, explained to him that they were not concerned. "Thanks for not worrying that my balls have shrunk back into my body," he yelled at his walrus comrades, "it's probably a lot easier to deal with your balls being drawn in when you don't have balls!"

* * *


NIAGRAH sat on the couch in her small Balifor apartment. She was on the phone with an old friend she hadn't spoken to in some time. A small kender baby sat on the area rug in front of her playing with some discarded Cheerios. "Have you talked to Bobby?" Niagrah asked the person on the other line. She was desperate. This was what the entire conversation, laced with pleasantries, had led up to. She listened to the voice on the other end, she strained in an effort to be polite and not interrupt. "Do you know his address?" She listened some more and then grimaced. She hadn't gotten the response she wanted. The baby kender on the floor, still wrapped in his world of broken Cheerio pieces was babbling to himself. "Boom, boom, boom!"

* * *


AI MER BEECH VON MARDERFARKER cut the ribbon to the new store front. The dozens of citizens of Fran Sancisco applauded in excitement. The new store was to be a premiere clothing retailer and would be the first to stock dwarven cottons, marderfarkan silk leggings and elven leathers. The king single handedly (there's a joke there, did you get it?) strengthened his nation's economy with this clothing chain. He even took the gnome's advice for marketing and advertising: he named his chain 'Britches and Hose.'

* * *


GILTHAN was assisting his Aunt PHYLLIS move into a small studio apartment in Palanthas. After little Lulu was born, Marderfarker had ordered that mother and daughter leave Castle Marderfarker. Gilthan had done his best to assist the woman who was once a prisoner of the gay king and then a pawn in his games. When she asked him to fill out the census paperwork that had been delivered by the City Watch, he gave her a kiss and promised to do so. He filled out his personal information as well as hers. He then filled in the personal information for Lulu. One question gave him pause but he decided to answer it best as he could. Next to 'relationship to individual' he checked the boxes for both father and cousin.

* * *


SANCHEZ entered the storeroom and after making sure the coast was clear began waving the 300 KENDER in from their brush hiding places. The kender immediately broke up and began searching the various crates and caches in search of more alcohol. The Knights of Detontrophe soon flanked the storeroom and neutralized the thieving kenders using batons and pepper spray. AKE covered one particular disruptive kender head to toe in pepper spray. GENGHIS had a collection of dwarf spirits that had been reacquisitioned from the kender and held the crowd back with his menacing baton. "Commander!" the minotaur called to Ake, "What should we do about Sanchez and the kender that got away?" The commander of the CoG smiled to himself. "No worry. Goblin go steal back." And indeed, MAL'RASH was already on his way back declaring his success of getting back his alcohol and his chickens.

* * *


GARY THE AUTISTIC OGRE looked around the Belching Fury Inn and Pub. Well, it was less a pub and more a bounce house now since he took over. Gary the Autistic Ogre currently enjoyed the soothing sensory experience that was bouncing while he watched the former bartender of the pub as he maintained the facilities and admitted the occasional patron. If you asked Gary the Autistic Ogre the secret of his success, he's probably just make guttural noises and clicks. He's considered nonverbal. But if you paid close attention to the pictures he focuses on in his book you'd be able to understand that he had memorized the numbers from Ariakan's credit card and had bought the deed to the establishment over the internet. The Belching Fury Inn and Bounce House proved quite profitable, apparently the ogre turned out to be a savant with numbers.

* * *


DETONTROPHE had taken a small row boat out into the non-existent harbor of Tarsis. The rowing was tough because the non-existent waves were rough, choppy and was actually sand. The gnome was looking forward to a bit of fishing, relaxation was long overdue. The Tarsis town hall were confused and had given him some difficulty when he requested a fishing license but they seemed content when he showed enough coin. Detontrophe produced his fishing rod from the boat and cast out into the non-existent waters. A moment later, he felt a non-existent bite. He had to stifle an excited cry. He didn't want to scare away the non-existent fish. When he quietly reeled in his non-existent catch he noticed the lure barren. The non-existent fish had gotten away and taken his non-existent bait. "Det damn it!" he cursed to himself.

FIN



 
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