Picks and Iceholes Game ID: 298937 Posted By: Benn-Salian on Friday November 27, 2009 7:51 PM
Benn-Salian
Ordo Terra: Scholar RK: 7 MP: 1,908
Member Since:
December 2002
Friday November 27, 2009 7:51 PM
Picks and Iceholes
It has never been advisable to befriend a wild animal. Every mother and father scolded unwary children of the dangers of feral animals. These creatures were vicious and often brutal, not to mention disease ridden. And once in a while, one may come across one that is undead.
Trots Yummypu-Kantstahnd had not the luxury of over-worrisome parents and thus found himself keeping such a creature as a pet. Nixon, was an undead mole rat and not quite content living in the gully dwarf's pocket. It expressed its displeasure by defecating as much as it could in the pocket. Trots didn't seem to mind all that much, finding that it made him smell slightly better on the whole.
The gully dwarf had almost been forced to get rid of Nixon when the Knight Commander, Ake, found him in the medical ward. Apparently the mole rat had decided to gnaw off the pinky and index finger on his right hand while the gully dwarf sleep soundly. Trots had hidden the undead mole rat in locations unknown (you don't want to know) so that he needn't lose the best friend he had in the world.
Those two fingers were later fashioned into a key chain of arguable taste. When anyone questioned him about it, Trots would refer to them as his lucky fingers. That begged the typical question, They were bitten off by an undead mole rat, how is that lucky? and the typical response was And me still didn't lose them, did me? Trots was ever an enigma.
Today, Trots sat under a large elm tree awaiting a man that he recently hired. Autumn had come to the village of Quintagaia and an earthy smell wafted through the village streets. Trots took a deep breath and was able to identify the smell of crisp leaves and cinnamon and ginger being used in the kitchens. Another deep breath was fouled by the stench of the gully dwarf's pocket. "Oh, Nixon,' Trots chuckled to himself.
A loud jangling could be heard as the man that Trots had hired came up the cobbled road. The man was short in statue and Trots soon noticed that he was not a man after all, but a kender. The jangle sound came from various weapons that hung from the kender's ornate belt. Many of these weapons appeared to be grenades. The kender reached a hand forward. "Hello my name is Bobass Bottom-knot and I will be you Soldier of Fortune for the day. If it's not too much trouble please direct to the closest bakery, I am in need of a cheese danish."
A lopsided, goofy grin covered the kender's face.
Trots shrugged his shoulders, "Try the Peg and Hole?" The kender quickly took off without another word and the gully dwarf was forced to follow. Halfway to the Peg and Hole, an object fell from Bobass's fancy belt. Most people would have taken cover or prayed to their favorite god, the gully dwarf was too dense to do anything and it was a lucky thing for him that what had dropped was an empty can of tuna. Maybe there was something to those fingers after all...
At the Peg and Hole, Bobass quickly forgot that he had gone there for a cheese danish abut was happy with the ale they offered him. He turned to Trots, now seated next to him at the bar. "What can I do for you?"
"Me looking for Trots's parents," Trot's explained, "Trots's adopted parents. Me told that they were Lord and Lady of Hidiougroogly. That make Trots the Heir of Hidiougroogly. Me not know anymore than that, but me have it in a letter that was sent to Trots." The gully dwarf produced a note and allowed the afflicted kender to look at it.
Bobass read the letter through, it spoke of a smelly kender mage and a crippled dewar dwarf but little else. He had hoped the letter would give him a glimpse as to where the lands of Hidiougroogly could be found but it wasn't any use. He could not gleam it himself.
"Bobass Bottom-knot is on the case!" the kender announced to himself, the gully dwarf and another half dozen patron who didn't give a crap in the least, "this will be extremely difficult. Too difficult for Detontrophe and too challenging for Ballsar. Heck I doubt that Samsterd and Madong could handle it even!"
[Edited by Benn-Salian on Tuesday, December 1, 2009 4:19 PM]
DarkDalamar20
Ordo Ignis: Scholar RK: 13 MP: 6,208
Member Since:
April 2002
Thursday December 3, 2009 11:03 AM
RE: Picks and Iceholes
With a start, Ballsar woke from the nightmare. His head was still filled with boob-less women, dry orifices, and various other sexual disasters. As Mayor of Pepsi Cola, Ballsar was treated to a rather large Villa built on a hill overlooking the sprawling city. Shrugging off the sweat soaked blankets, Ballsar shuffled over to the large windows and threw open the curtains. The morning sun sat low on the horizon causing Ballsar to groan as it already promised to be a hot day.
Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, Ballsar turned from the window and eyed the empty bed. It had been several months since Straea had left on her womanly adventures. When she'd be back or where she had gone was unknown to Ballsar, though he hoped that wherever she was, she was safe...and her luscious breasts were properly supported.
After getting dressed, Ballsar headed downstairs where he was greeted with many smiles from his serving staff. Life as mayor had been a happy one for the dwarf. Little work, no wars, minimal kender, it was paradise. The only downfall was the daily court cases that Ballsar had to attend. They ranged from alleyway rapings, kender intrusions, murders, etc. Today promised to be no different. With a groan, Ballsar clomped into the lavishly decorated meeting room to listen to today's problems.
First up to the podium was a farmer who was complaining a cow entered his home in the middle of the night and had drawn nude pictures of him. Ballsar sank deeper into his plush chair. Hanging on the wall behind the chair was a rather worn battle ax. The dwarf smiled fondly as he turned and looked at the chipped blade, the smooth leather handle, the blood stains still smearing the crevices. Oh, what fun he had had while on his adventures over the years.
"Are you listening to me? The cow was stroking it's udders while painting me! I'll never forget the poses it made me get into!" The farmer broke into a sob.
With another deep groan, Ballsar turned to dispense his wisdom. "One day, I'll get back out there..." he thought to himself. "one day..." The dwarf rubbed his temples as the next plantiff to enter the meeting room seemed to be a shaven minotaur with two kender impaled on it's horns.
"Zeboim's Golden anal beads..." Ballsar groaned. It was going to be a long day.
Benn-Salian
Ordo Terra: Scholar RK: 7 MP: 1,908
Member Since:
December 2002
Monday December 7, 2009 5:14 PM
RE: Picks and Iceholes
"Do you really think he can help?" Trots asked the kender mercenary feverently.
"The dwarf is now king in PepsiCola, he and Marderfarker are the only royalty that I know personally - and I once killed Marderfarker, so we shouldn't bother him further," Bobass Bottom-knot explained.
He winced as another of his weapons from his horde, this time the rapier, caught the back of his calf as he walked. The two adventurers had taken their leave of Quintagaia and CoG two days prior and they neared PepsiCola. The castle, until recently, was abandoned on the fringes of the Plains of Dust, Silvanesti and the exotic regions of Marderfarker.
It was through these exotic regions that Bobass's battle prowess was challenged by a particularly hostile newt. The amphibian stood on its back haunches to get a better look, or as the kender feared, to threaten the adventurers. Bobass reached towards his cache of murderous implements and retrieved his nun-chucks. He waggled the weapon as menacingly as he could manage in front of the newt. It was assumed then that the newt lost all malicious intent (and control of his bowels as Bobass would later claim) and took off deeper into the exotic regions. "Haha, try that again bitch!" Bobass taunted defiantly.
Eventually, kender and gully dwarf found themselves in the receiving hall of PepsiCola, the stronghold of the dwarf, Ballsar Rockhard. The decor had change quite significantly since the companions of old had made their way through over a year ago. Where there was once defecation and ruin now boasted granite tiles and marble statues of beautiful women in various stages of ecstasy. In every piece of work, the kender found it hard to NOT notice, was a familiar randy dwarf in his naked glory. It was hard to admit that the rockhard package featured in the art wasn't far off the mark. "Help me out Trots, we need to find out which one of these statues is the real Ballsar Rockhard!" The fingers of kender and gully dwarf began poking each marble dwarfhood in a process of elimination.
"What are you doing?" a large thanoi (most likely of the eunuch variety, Bobass assumed) demanded, "this is the royal halls of the Sexking, Ballsar the First."
"Exactly!" Bobass agreed and then pondered to what he agreed to, "Tell that dwarf to give us an audience or I'll throw him down the stairs again!" The afflicted kender worked himself into a sweat.
The Eunuch Thanoi crossed its fin-like arms across its chest and merely stared at the kender and considered if it had contracted rabies.
"This here is a genuine prince of the Hidiougroogly Lands, he has a letter claiming he has such inherited such heritage," Bobass asserted, "now let us pass!"
"I am Eunuch Thanoi,(Bobass: Ha!) I am unconcerned," the thanoi doorman insisted as stubbornly as possible.
"It is of no use, I assure you," a new voice called from beside one of the statues depicting Ballsar engaging in elven sodomy. "The walrus man rarely changed his tune."
The voice belonged to a rather young, unassuming emo-ssassin. He was lithe, with wavy chestnut hair and carried a mandolin on one hip and a discreetly hidden garrote on the other. He wore very fine clothes but seemed uncomfortable in them, as if they were not his own or undeserved. "You may call me Strings," the emo-ssassin offered as he saw that the two other adventurers had yet to say anything.
"I am Bobass Bottomknot, I'm a Soldier of Fortune and the hero of this story," the kender announced and as a second thought added, "and this is Trots, he is a gully dwarf."
"Ah, well met fellow companions," Strings announced straining a smile, "I assume you have a plan to see the king. I wanted to play Ode of The Beautiful Death for his highness. Do you have such a plan?"
"Of course I do!" Bobass exclaimed, "wait, no I don't..."
[Edited by Benn-Salian on Monday, December 7, 2009 5:22 PM]
jojo
Initiare RK: 1 MP: 11
Member Since:
March 2009
Wednesday December 9, 2009 12:55 AM
RE: Picks and Iceholes
The captain of the guard stood outside the main hall. Down the hallway came a gnome dressed in the garb of the guard.
"Sir your going to want to see the two that just came to the entrance hall." the gnome said as he moved toward his frightening captain.
The captain of the guard appears to be a winged dwarf made of stone. His flesh is not truly rock, but it has the texture and coloration of marble. His hair is dark, as is his eyes, all closely matching his skin coloration. He sports a large set of bat like wings, which seem to be fully functional.
The thanoi and the emo-ssassin in the receiving could hear heavy foot falls coming down the hall. The thanoi made way for who he knew would soon come through the door.
The door swung open and the imposing captain stepped into the room. "I am Hari (pronounced Harry) Anklespanker, captin of the guard here. What is your business?"
[Edited by jojo on Wednesday, December 9, 2009 12:56 AM]
Benn-Salian
Ordo Terra: Scholar RK: 7 MP: 1,908
Member Since:
December 2002
Wednesday December 9, 2009 4:43 PM
RE: Picks and Iceholes
"What is my business? My business?" Bobass questioned the captain with a hint of irateness noted in his voice, "my business is cookies and business is good!" Bobass waited a moment for the laughtrack to subside even though no such laughtrack ever began. "Actually we're here to see the king. He is a close, personal friend - I even pushed him down the stairs once."
Pfffbbbttt...
The gully dwarf turned three shades of red as the sound was soon linked to his general location and everyone (except the eunuch thanoi) looked over as Trots. "That was Nixon," he quickly lied. A fine cover up.
DarkDalamar20
Ordo Ignis: Scholar RK: 13 MP: 6,208
Member Since:
April 2002
Thursday December 10, 2009 9:52 AM
RE: Picks and Iceholes
Leonardo Monte'oglo was a simple man. He had simple tastes. Dressed plainly in brown leather pants and tan tunic, he would be someone much overlooked if you were to see him in a crowd. His mediocrity, however, is what led him to become the best man-servant that a Dwarf could own. Leonardo came to Ballsar shortly after the dwarf became the o'exalted one of PepsiCola. The simple man had left his small village in search of greater meaning in life. He was a devout believer of Paladin - he eventually hoped to one day become a Templar in service to the God of Good. But, right now, Leonardo was elbow deep in a....large tub of the dwarf's laundry. The story as to how he became Ballsar's man-servant is much too difficult to explain. Let's just say it involved a lot of bribery, sexual favors, and a few I.O.U's written on napkins and used condom wrappers. Leonardo couldn't complain though, he had a well paying job. And, while he had no interest in the sexual conquest that often took place in his lord's manor, he was happy to provide Ballsar with everything he requested.
Straightening and working a kink out of his back, Leonardo looked at his reflection in the mirror. His simple brown hair was combed back, causing his much too large nose to be quite pronounced. He had been made fun of before for the size of his shnoze, but now that he was the unofficial second most powerful man in PepsiCola - no one said it to his face. Leonardo smiled at his luck. He spoke with Ballsar's voice. He had sat in on quite a few of Ballsar's meeting when the dwarf was otherwise...in disposed. This gave Leonardo a great knowledge of the city and it's inhabitants.
Striking a fighting pose in the mirror, Leonardo practiced his best Templar salute - then began folding his Master's underwear.
Pfffbbbttt...
The sound was so loud from the anteroom down the hallway, the Leonardo thought for a second that it was he himself that had just broken wind. After a cursory sniff, he realized that it must have indeed came from another section of the Villa.
"What is going on here?" Leonardo crossed his arms as he entered the antichamber to see A kender, gully dwarf, and what looked to be an emoassassin all standing there in various poses of disgust. The gully dwarf was staring at the ground and kicking his toes back and forth, hoping the others would soon ignore him.
"I said, what's going on here?" Leonardo repeated.
"They want audience with the Lord 'O Cunnilingus" the Hari Anklespanker answered, standing slightly straighter at the sight of Leonardo.
"Who's this queer?" Leonardo heard the kender whisper to the gully dwarf, who only shrugged. That duo, was a sight indeed. The kender seemed to be wrapped in various dangerous weaponry. Leonardo bristled at the comment.
"Hari, take them to the dungeons. I will see if Lord Ballsar would like to talk with them." The captain saluted and calling a few guards over, bundled the gully dwarf, emoassassin, and kender off towards the dungeons.
"Hmmf." Leonardo sniffed as he watched the group being led off. The kender was quite disgruntled at being led away. He heard a few guards curse as the small fists connected with delicate parts of the body. With a shake of his head, he went in search of Ballsar Rockhard to see if his Lord did, in fact, know who these strangers were.
DarkDalamar20
Ordo Ignis: Scholar RK: 13 MP: 6,208
Member Since:
April 2002
Friday December 11, 2009 9:35 AM
RE: Picks and Iceholes
"Your Majesty..."
"mmmmffff"
"Sire..."
"Go away!"
"But, sir, you should hear about this?"
"Fine!" Ballsar sat up from his overstuffed bed. He had to push aside many arms and legs from the various women surrounding him before crossing his arms like a spoiled 2 year old. "What? This better be good!" The dwarf eyed his faithful manservant Leonardo menacingly.
"Sir, there has been a..situation in the entry vestibule. Captain Hari Anklespanker apprehended some dangerous looking suspects." Leonardo whispered the last few words to make them sound more hostile.
"Dangerous? Here? Who are they?" Ballsar raised an eyebrow.
"Well, actually, they say they know you. I think they are lying, but..."
"Wait...they KNOW me? One of them isn't by chance a smelly kender looking mage by chance?" Ballsar's voice cracked with worry.
"No.." Leonardo answered.
"Oh, thank Reorx!" Ballsar wiped sweat from his brow.
"But.."
"But what?" Ballsar sat straight.
"There is kender..."
"And a gnome?"
"No, no gnome."
"This kender...does he have weird tubes all over him and the smell of gunpowder?" Ballsar asked, his voice raising in worry.
"He does seem to be surrounded by various sorts of weaponry. For the smell, I couldn't tell - his gully dwarf companion broke wind shortly before I arrived. That was all that assaulted my nostrils. Sir, I sent them to the dungeons to await your word. Do you know these folk. There is an emo-assassin with them as well. He seems to be carrying a musical instrument."
Ballsar shrugged, obviously not knowing the emoassassin. The mention of a gully dwarf made his lips curl in disgust.
"You did good, Leonardo. I know this Kender. As to why he is here, only Takhisis' left nipple would know that. I will speak with them. Let me get dressed and I'll be down shortly." A few of the women in his bed began to move slightly, reaching for Ballsar. "Actually, give me an hour or two." Ballsar smiled and laid back down.
Leonardo saluted and left the room, closing the door firmly to stifle the moans and screams already coming from the bedroom.
Benn-Salian
Ordo Terra: Scholar RK: 7 MP: 1,908
Member Since:
December 2002
Friday December 11, 2009 6:39 PM
RE: Picks and Iceholes
Without any unnecessary words, the dwarf captain led the captives to the holding cells below PepsiCola and gestured to have them placed in separate cells.
Although Bobass had expected to be violently thrown into the cell, he wasn't. The guard had only gave him slight physical encouragement to enter. Nonetheless, Bobass reacted as he had been violently thrown in and launched himself three feet inside and landed with a thud. "What's the big idea?" he demanded as he shook his fist angrily, "You gods damned dinks!" The guards left and returned upstairs.
Bobass picked himself up and shook the jail grit from his new and quite fashionable clothes. That dwarf named Hari had taken possession of most of his gear and weapons. The kender felt debased and metaphorically naked. "Alright Trots, what's your hidiougroogly heritage tell us to do in order to get us out of here?" he asked as he fidgeted with his belt buckle, trying to get it clean.
"I don't know sir," the little gully admitted as he sat on the ground indian-style, "I'm not sure we need to leave. Nixon seems to love it down here. I haven't seen a molerat so happy before."
Bobass pretended he hadn't asked and looked over at the emo-ssassin and quickly discarded the idea of asking him. An emo-ssassin's idea of escape was bleeding into one's gloves during a bubble bath. In any case, Strings was tuning his mandolin and testing each note with a pluck of his finger.
"It's up to me," Bobass said to himself. He then proceeded to undo his belt and pull down his fashionable leggings. With a widened stance and then a difficult wince, Bobass proved that you can never truly disarm a resourceful kender by pulling a +1 Morning Star from his personal cavity where the morning star doesn't shine. "Holy Crap!" Trots exclaimed and the gully dwarf never found out how right that statement was.
Bobass pulled his fashionable leggings up and readjusted his belt. Which was quite difficult while holding a brown, +1 Morning Star; the kender resolved to not let this weapon out of his sight. The kender mercenary then created his own exit through the brick and mortar. Without another thought he left the dungeon area of PepsiCola as well as his companions, the gully dwarf (who didn't even notice) and the emo-ssassin.
Strings had noticed the kender's departure but didn't appear surprised with being left behind. He continued to play his mandolin in a slow, melodic way and then added his tenor voice that was as sad as it was beautiful when he hit every note perfectly:
And all you are, are to me
The saddest song I will ever sing
And all you are, are to me
The saddest song of the saddest thing
The music was worlds away from Bobass Bottom-knot who was, at the moment, running upstairs and swinging his brown, +1 Morning Star menacingly as he vented his frustration. "Where's Ballsar! I demand to know right now!" he screamed as he rounded the top flight. He quickly saw Hari and all of the lewd Ballsar sculptures. The kender readied the Morning Star and took a couple of practice swings towards the nearest statue (this one depicted Ballsar servicing the dark goddess herself). "Let me see the king, or he gets it in the dwarf statuehood. And I mean it!"
DarkDalamar20
Ordo Ignis: Scholar RK: 13 MP: 6,208
Member Since:
April 2002
Tuesday December 15, 2009 7:47 AM
RE: Picks and Iceholes
Stomping down the hall angrily, Ballsar turned a corner to see Bobass backed against a wall with four thanoi surrounding him with spears to his neck. Just as he was about to raise his voice to stop them from plunging the sharp spears into the kender's tender flesh, two Ballsars appeared on his shoulders. One was wearing devil horns and a ball gag, the other had a halo and was dressed in pristine white robes....though he was holding a copy of Hustler under his one arm.
"Mfmfmmfmdmmnandndmam mmandnnfnff!" The devil Ballsar muttered through the ball gag. Finally, realizing he couldn't be understood, he removed the large red rubber ball and repeated, "You know....if the thanoi skewer him - you can go back to those luscious women waiting in your apartment.
"But, he has to be here for a reason!" The angel Ballsar said, flipping through the magazine and holding it at add angles to get better views.
"Since when did a kender have a reason for doing anything?!" The devil Ballsar argued.
"Well, he does make a good point. And, those women in your room are pretty hot!"the angel Ballsar shrugged.
"Thank you!" The devil Ballsar threw up his hands and *POOF* they both disappeared.
The Thanoi stalked closer and closer, there were small beads of blood running down the kender's neck now.
"You have to stop them!" came a small voice from behind the regal dwarf. It seemed to be a small, shy-looking gully dwarf. Something about the small creatures demeanor told Ballsar that he needed to find out why his old travel partner was employed by this waste of the dwarven name.
"Stop!" Ballsar groaned, easily speaking one of the hardest words he ever had in his life.
The thanoi immediately backed away and stood at attention. Rubbing his injured neck, Bobass smiled and came walking over to a VERY VERY VERY upset looking Dwarf.
jojo
Initiare RK: 1 MP: 11
Member Since:
March 2009
Tuesday December 15, 2009 9:55 AM
RE: Picks and Iceholes
Hari awoke a few moments later with quite a headache. He quickly got to his feet and headed out into the halls. Just as he rounded one corner he saw his lord Ballsar face to face with the offending kender.
"My lord. My apologies, I'll take this rabble back to where he belongs."
Benn-Salian
Ordo Terra: Scholar RK: 7 MP: 1,908
Member Since:
December 2002
Tuesday December 15, 2009 2:12 PM
RE: Picks and Iceholes
The world gained a rosier tint for Bobass when the four thanoi spears were removed from his jugular. The afflicted kender looked around and saw his old comrade and friend, Ballsar. The dwarf appeared as if his newly acquired crown weighed quite heavy this day, or so Ballsar's obvious frustration would have Bobass believe. Good thing that the kender was here now to lighten the gruff dwarf's mood.
"Ah! My good and dearest friend, Ballsar Rockhard!" Bobass announced as he leisurely closed the gap between the two with his hands reaching out for a handshake. "I am deeply gratified that you have honored us with this quick and timely audience." Bobass shook his own hand vertical in mid air as if he were shaking the king's hand, although Ballsar had shown no inclination to do any such thing. " I have come today to ask of you a small boon, something I can assume would be insignificant when compared to my friend's new found wealth here in PepsiCola."
Ballsar's eyes narrowed. This debacle of an audience was far from productive and concerned the dwarf even less. He finally found the kender getting to the point.
"...and I would like to request the reward offered me since the gnome and I did, in fact, save your ass from Marderfarker," Bobass explained, "and the gnome would have added 'literally.'"
"No, no, no, no!" a small voice called out from behind the kender and dwarf, it was the gully dwarf, Trots. "You said we here to find Trots's parents!"
Bobass stared blankly a moment until his left eye winked on its own, in some kender version of recall. "So I had, but how are you here and not still in the dungeon?" the kender inquired.
"Your brown, +1 Morning Star knocked down whole wall that landed on Trots," the gully dwarf explained, "Me lucky that happen. Me not get out different way. Me also let out the bard, he play pretty." The emo-ssassin stood a couple steps further behind the gully dwarf.
Ballsar shook his head. This was getting stupider by the minute. He realized that if he was able to listen for another moment longer it would surely get stupider. He wasn't disappointed, it did.
"Alright, the gully dwarf has me in a corner, we'll talk about my cookies later," Bobass compromised with himself, "Indeed the gully dwarf can trace his lineage back to the famous Lords and Ladies of the Highland of Hidiougroogly. It is his crest that is the dead, brown sparrow on a field of deep purple. And That crest depicted on shields and banners for all of Krynn to see!"
"Wow," Trots said allowed, "you found out that all 'bout Trots's parents. Letter not even say that much!"
"Yes I did," Bobass claimed and probably even believed that he had (instead of making it up from some movie script in his head.) He then turned back to Ballsar, "and so, I have come here, in search of this lad's parents, to ask you one question, Ballsar Rockhard of PepsiCola... are you this gully dwarf's father?"
jojo
Initiare RK: 1 MP: 11
Member Since:
March 2009
Wednesday December 16, 2009 7:05 AM
RE: Picks and Iceholes
"This is Absurd! My lord has no children!" Hari boasted with all confidence.
DarkDalamar20
Ordo Ignis: Scholar RK: 13 MP: 6,208
Member Since:
April 2002
Thursday December 17, 2009 10:47 AM
RE: Picks and Iceholes
"...dwarf's father...."
"...dwarf's father...."
"...dwarf's father...."
"...dwarf's father...."
The insinuation seemed to echo in the hallway. For one of the first time's in his life, Ballsar was struck speechless. He tore his gaze away from Bobass to look at the shy gully dwarf kicking his scuffed boot on the lavish tile floor.
"...dwarf's father...."
"...dwarf's father...."
It was impossible, how in Reorx could Ballsar, the renowned sexiest dwarf in all of Krynn be father to a gully dwarf. Ballsar DETESTED gully dwarves, as most Hylar's did. Bobass's accusation was asinine. A complete fallacy, yet again, Ballsar noticed a slight twinkle in the stinky things eye that reminded him of himself at times. No! Not possible.
"This is absurd! My lord has no children!" came Hari's vicious yell from the side.
Ballsar turned and faced his Captain. Their eyes met and....*shoof*
Suddenly, everyone else in the room disappeared except for Hari and Ballsar. They stood outside a small hut, in the rain, at night.
"What...what happened, my lord?" Hari commented, looking around in fear.
"I don't know...best prepare for anything. Protect your lord!" Ballsar mumbled, wishing he had his ax. Hari's sword would have to do for now.
In front of them, the window of the hut was aglow from inside from what seemed to be a single candle. Huddling against the rain, Hari and Ballsar approached the window slowly. Inside a female gully dwarf laid on her back, screaming in agony. A Hylar, dressed in pristine armor paced the room frantically. "Is she going to be ok?" the dwarf noble asked in a deep, yet worried voice.
"Yes, yes. She be fine!" Another gully dwarf entered into view. This one wore a patched and dirty white jacket, signifying her as a doctor....or something. "This normal. She giving birth to babies!"
"Good good. Just keep her healthy. I love her!" The Hylar smiled.
"You are aware she gully dwarf?" the doctor gully dwarf asked.
"Yes. I don't know how it happened. One minute she is serving me and my men ale at the local tavern. She dropped our forks under the table. Next thing I know she is unbuttoning my pants...and well, the rest is history." The dwarf smiled, thinking back to a simpler time.
"Ah..." the doctor shook her oily head. "ok...here they come. Push!" the gully dwarf giving birth screamed as she pushed.
"Push, Rosetta!" the knight intoned.
"It's a boy!" came a call from inside. The doctor held up a squealing gully dwarf baby. "What's his name?"
"Trots..." the mother whispered.
"Uh oh...looks like another one coming!" the doctor said. "Push!"
After much screaming, another baby was born. This one looked less gullyish than the other. Don't ask me how it's possible. But it is. "What's his name?" The doctor asked.
"I want to name him after my grandfather..." the Hylar looked at the gully dwarf mother who smiled and nodded.
"Hari...Hari Anklespanker." the dwarf knight smiled.
Ballsar turned with wide eyes to look upon the Captain of his Guards. "You...Trots...?"
*Shoof*
Both Ballsar and Hari stood back in Ballsar's Villa.
"Wha...where were we?" Hari asked, panic in his voice.
"I think...we just saw you being born!"
"But...my mother was a Lady! My dad was a Lord!" Hari moaned, his batlike wings vibrating in agitation. For some reason, Ballsar had never noticed those wings until now. Strange that.
Bobass, Trots, and the Thanoi looked on in confusion. Having only until recently been wondering where in the hell Hari and Ballsar had gone. Thinking that any plot holes would easily be filled with the current discussion.
"It seems that you were adopted..." Ballsar mumbled.
"No! It can't be!" Hari ran off down the hallway.
"So, where were you two?" Bobass smiled, ignoring the fear and confusion felt by everyone else.
"I don't know, but I think I have found out information that will lead to the whereabouts of Trot's parents...." Ballsar watched his captain run off then let out a sigh in relief.
"Trots, I am not your father. But Hari....is your brother!" Ballsar patted the young gully dwarf on the shoulder, then began wondering what in the hell had just happened.
[Edited by DarkDalamar20 on Friday, December 18, 2009 7:22 AM]
jojo
Initiare RK: 1 MP: 11
Member Since:
March 2009
Friday December 18, 2009 10:29 AM
RE: Picks and Iceholes
In a bowl of water, in another part of the Villa, Hari could be seen running down the hallway towards his bed chamber. A female Hylar was standing over the bowl with a wide grin on her face. She was dressed in light green robes, layered and tied at the waist with a thick rope, and voluminous sleeves that hung down over her hands if she held her arms at her sides. She seemed a perfectly ridiculous Hylar, with her long, green-dyed hair down her back and two thick braids around the front of each ear ending in a small adorning disk.
"That should keep that winged freak busy, as well as the other intruders on my plan. Although the new comers have proven useful. Searching for something that isn't there, I am cleaver." She said only loud enough for herself to hear. "Ballsar Rockhard will pay for what he did to me. Oh I'll return the favor." She continued.
She threw down a small orb and disappeared.
Benn-Salian
Ordo Terra: Scholar RK: 7 MP: 1,908
Member Since:
December 2002
Sunday December 20, 2009 9:57 AM
RE: Picks and Iceholes
"But Hari... is your brother!" The words rang in Trots's ears. He had hired Bobass, the kender Soldier of Fortune, to find his parents and here he already had found a brother. The gully dwarf looked up to greet his newfound sibling but had noticed that Hari had exited the room most quickly. Assuredly, his joy was too great.
"Perhaps, Hari realize it almost yuletide and go buy a present for Trots," the gully dwarf mused to himself. After a moment or two past, another thought occurred to him. "Oh poop, me didn't get Hari nothing either." Trots began to sprint after his 'brother' as fast as his hidiougroogly legs would take him. He called after the winged dwarf, "No Worry Hari! Me owe you for past yuletides too! Probably more than two even!"
With winged dwarf and gully dwarf gone, that left a dwarven king, a kender mercenary and a self-loathing emo-ssassin alone in silence. Only Strings appeared to revel in that void, as Ballsar and Bobass appeared to fidget.
"So, as I was saying..." Bobass began, trying to take some control over the anticlimactic audience, "I am truly sorry about the statue." The kender gestured towards the one depicting the Ballsar and Takhisis in a state of Cunnilingus, which was now sans dwarfhood. "I'm sure it'll make you more popular with the eunuch thanoi..." Bobass offered.
Ballsar allowed himself a glance at his favorite statue. He hadn't noticed before now but the pieces on the floor could indeed be identified as a dwarven hammer and two dwarven anvils. Ballsar lowered his head and emitted a low baritone sigh. It seemed as if he wasn't allowed to have nice things.
"That aside," Bobass continued, "now that the gully dwarf has left, let's talk cookies. Detontrophe offered me all of my half. Where are they so I can be one my way? Gully permitting, of course."
"Never you mind those. Bweh heh heh heh!" an evil voice cackled. The voice belonged to a female Hylar dwarf that was dressed all in green, even her hair dyed to match. For a second, Ballsar wondered if her carpet matched her drapes but quickly discarded the thought after a full appraisal at the ridiculous and probably evil female dwarf. The witch seemed to stare intently at the king, but not with the normal lust. There was some of that but it was mostly contempt.
"The Lady of the Lake..." Strings muttered to himself remembering a local folktale and threat that mothers told there children when it was time to go to sleep so the mothers had enough time to watch Desperate Housewives on TV.
It was the kender that broke the disquiet once again. "Excuse me ma'am," he addressed the witch who snapped her head to look at him, her green hair and attached pendant snapping as well, "but I couldn't help but notice how ugly you are. What could be so important that you would disturb your necessary, and probably government mandated, seclusion and come here to the woe of all, most of all, me?"
jojo
Initiare RK: 1 MP: 11
Member Since:
March 2009
Monday December 21, 2009 8:48 AM
RE: Picks and Iceholes
Without hesitation, the green robed Hylar threw up one hand and Bobass was gone, leaving behind only a crackle in the air (like the ones from fireworks). She spun to face the emossassin, and dispached him in a simular fasion, only he went out as a puddle on the floor. The two dwarves were alone now in the hall. The witch moved closer to Ballsar, sizing him up as if she were a snake and he was a mouse.
"You have to pay for what you did to me and my kin" she fumed in ballsar's face.
Before Ballsar could speak, the door behind him swung open to reveal a voluptuous female hylar who was clad in only a bed sheet.
"Are you coming back to me my love?" she cooed.
"What do you think your doing in his chambers?" the witch screamed. "Do you have any idea of what you've done??"
Ballsars face twisted as he became increasinly confused.
"I see that you are confused Ballsar." the witch teased "this is Danipza, as you may already know, but I'm sure you had no idea that she is your daughter. You left me laying on a table while I was giving birth to her. The vision you saw was only a diversion for your defender."
Then another wave of the witches hands and * shoof *
Suddenly, the witch and the room disappeared except for Ballsar and Danipza. They stood outside a small hut, in the rain, at night. Danipza recognized the hut instantly as her childhood home. Ballsar also recognized it but for very different reasons.
In front of them, the window of the hut was aglow from inside from what seemed to be a single candle. Danipza and Ballsar approached the window slowly. Inside the witch laid on her back on a table, screaming in agony.
A gully dwarf entered into view. She wore a patched and dirty white jacket, signifying her as a doctor....or something.
"Where your man?" the gully asked
"He'll be here!" the witch screamed in pain although she wasn't so sure.
"ok...here they come. Push!" the witch screamed as she pushed.
"It's a girl!" came a call from inside. The doctor held up a squealing hylar dwarf baby. "What's her name?"
"Danipza..." "Danipza ..." the witch whispered.
Ballsar turned with teary eyes to look upon his daughter. "My ... daughter...?" "My ... daughter ...?"
*shoof*
At this supprise, Ballsar and danipza's faces looked as if they might slide right off their skulls.
"Danipza for your folly your name will forever be Danipza Rockhard, as is evident by your twin daggers." the witch continued.
"Mother is this the man who left you all those years ago, when you gave birth to me?" Danipza asked with a quiver in her voice.
"Yes and now your fates are one. For your lack of forsight, you unwittingly did the horizontal mombo with your father. You can not lie to me I see it all over your face. (And indeed the dwarf's kingly juices were still dripping off her face).
The witch walked over to her now disowned daughter, and gingerly over top Danipza's soaked belly.
"Ah yes. There's more." the witch said menacingly "you shall have a child as well. Although I lose a daughter, I gain a sweeter revenge than I could have possibly hoped for." she continued.
A flash of light and a small *pop* left father and daughter standing alone in the hall.
***
A short fall in darkness Bobass Bottom-knot landed with a *phloosh*
"It's Mine!" Came a call in the darkness.
***
Strings found himself in the middle of a Strong-man contest.
[Edited by jojo on Monday, December 21, 2009 8:58 AM]
jojo
Initiare RK: 1 MP: 11
Member Since:
March 2009
Thursday December 24, 2009 9:03 PM
RE: Picks and Iceholes
'Twas the night before Christmas. When all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a kobold. The pantie hoes were hung by the chimney with care, in hopes that The king priest would soon be there. The kender were all snug in their beds, while visions of erections danced in their heads. And Marderfarker in his kerchief and Carlos in his cap had just settled down for a long winters nap.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, Carlos sprang from his bed to see what was the matter. Away to the window he flew like a flash, tore open the shutters and threw up the sash. The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow gave a luster of midday to objects below, when, what to his wondering eyes should appear, but a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny genie, with a short driver, so lively and quick; he knew it had to be Detontrophe.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came. And he whistled and called them by name: "Now Dasher! On Donner! On Blitzen! On Prancer! On Vixen! On Chewy! On Tavo! C'mon, Becto! To the top of the porch, to the top of the stall! Now, dash away! Dash away! Dash away you bastards!"
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly, when they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky, so up to the housetop the coursers they flew with a sleigh full of naughty toys, and Detontrophe, too.
As Carlos drew in his head, and was turning around, down the chimney Detontrophe came with a bound.
He was dressed all in his priestly robes, from his head to his foot, and they were tarnished with smut. A bundle of naughty toys he had flung on his back, and he looked like peddler just playing with his sack. He spoke not a word, but went on with his work, and filled all the hoes with just one jerk. Sticking his finger inside his nose, and giving a hard blow, up the chimney he rose. He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle, and away they flew like going down on a thistle.
Carlos could hear Detontrophe exclaim as he drove out of sight, "Happy Christmas to all and good humping all night!"
[Edited by jojo on Thursday, December 24, 2009 9:05 PM]
Benn-Salian
Ordo Terra: Scholar RK: 7 MP: 1,908
Member Since:
December 2002
Friday December 25, 2009 11:15 AM
RE: Picks and Iceholes
"Wha-" Bobass managed as he recollected his thoughts after the decent into darkness. He had seen the witch, the fireworks. Then he was in pitch darkness. He felt the fall, the wet mattress as he landed.
Suddenly, a torch illuminated the cavern that the kender now found himself in. Once his eyes adjusted, Bobass discovered that there was a pile of discarded royal mattresses and he had landed on one of them and allowed himself to settle in. King Ballsar has good taste, for a dwarf. Then Bobass realized why these still ultimately comfortable mattresses were discarded, and why they were wet. The kender jumped up with a start, "Ah! The king's royal jelly! Truly disgusting."
"It's mine!" the voice near the source of the torch reiterated, "The kender is mine! It is precious to me!" The torch was then set in the wall and a goblin came over to presumably lay his claim on the kender. He wore a collection of assorted armor and garments, one of them depicting the emblem of CoG. The goblin hunched over as if it was conditioned to carrying heavy amounts of items.
"Yours? Where do you get off making such a claim?" Bobass retorted, "I am Bobass Bottom-knot, Soldier of Fortune and no man, nor goblin, can make claim to me."
The goblin was known as Mal'rash and a member of the fabled Knights of Detontrophe. He stepped forward to straighten out this unruly kender. "I have recently come into ownership of a fine assortment of weapons," Mal'rash gestured towards the corner where Bobass recognized the entire horde. Here was his saber, his warhammer, his pike, his grenades, his nunchucks, and various other weapons. "I recognize you, kender, as part of this collection. I reason that if I own them, I also own you!"
Bobass scrambled to get up and off the mattress and onto his own feet, but he had little enough time to do so. He grabbed at the mattress's source of sticky, wetness and threw it at the eyes of Mal'rash. The goblin's hands reached towards his face to clear his eyes. "Why would you throw my own jelly at me? Gah!"
Bobass ran to the corner and amassed as much of his arsenal as he could and managed to slip out of the room, taking the torch with him. Mal'rash was still trying to put the personal fluid away where it belonged, he believed in taking care of his things. Now he'd have to take care of the kender.
jojo
Initiare RK: 1 MP: 11
Member Since:
March 2009
Friday December 25, 2009 8:19 PM
RE: Picks and Iceholes
Hari, being quiet upset, could still hear the young gully calling after him as he ran to his bedchamber. The thought of being related to that dunderhead gully made Hari sick to his stomach (gullys aren't the smartest apples of the bunch if you haven't noticed, and Hari went to D.D.U. Dwarven Defender University a very respectable dwarven academy. So having to dumb things down for his "new found brother" was not something that sat very well with the winged dwarf. How could one hope to make such a thing work?!).
"I have to think about this" Hari mused to himself as he closed the heavy doors to his room, and secured them with a large lock.
Running as fast as his hidiougroogly legs could carry him, Trots followed his brother down the hall. "It's okay brother, me understand, you not know Trots your brother, but I still love you!" He called to the winged dwarf, obviously trying to make him feel better about not getting him more than two yuletides. "How 'bout we play catch later in the garden?!" Trots continued as if Hari had acknowledged the previous statements.
[Edited by jojo on Friday, December 25, 2009 8:22 PM]
DarkDalamar20
Ordo Ignis: Scholar RK: 13 MP: 6,208
Member Since:
April 2002
Sunday January 10, 2010 9:23 AM
RE: Picks and Iceholes
Ballsar was rarely shocked after a sexual conquest. Sure, there had been that one time when the she had ended up being a he. Ballsar should have known considering the prostitute had been wearing a rather luxurious turtleneck. It wasn't until after the deed that Ballsar had realized it was for hiding an enormous well-shaped adams apple. But now, having just learned that he had done the horizontal nasty with his own daughter, Ballsar was speechless.
Ballsar turned and looked at his daughter out of the corner of his eye. She was certainly attractive - probably one of the best Hylar's he had seen in his life, but his daughter!? Oh god. He didn't know what to do.
"So..um...I guess I'm your dad..." Ballsar mumbled.
"Yeah..." Danipza muttered running a hand through her sex-tussled hair.
"Yeah..." Ballsar shivered. "So...uh..."
"I've gotta go." Danipza quickly said and ran off down the hallway.
Ballsar stood alone in the hallway wondering what to do now. His own daughter was pregnant with HIS child, unless this was some sort of fantasy movie where the child was fated to be the savior of the planet, Ballsar was in trouble.
Running a hand through his beard, Ballsar walked absently down the hallway. Detontrophe would know what to do, but Ballsar didn't know if the crazy gnome was destined to be part of this adventure.
Benn-Salian
Ordo Terra: Scholar RK: 7 MP: 1,908
Member Since:
December 2002
Wednesday January 13, 2010 3:51 PM
RE: Picks and Iceholes
The green witch, the one that reminded Strings of The Lady of the Lake, had been upsetting. She left a man with an indecision about wither to cut one's wrists or merely scratch them raw.
The emo-ssassin would have been hard pressed to believe that her presence was preferable when compared to what lay in store for him. But as he soon saw, he found himself amoung masculine body builders and then he was in true dismay. Strings had an instant dislike for all jocks, especially those who exerted their strength only to exert their strength. Stupid Clean and Jerks.
Interrupting this thought, one of the bodybuilders came over dressed in a skintight red, white and blue singlet. Stings oddly became envious of the singlet, wishing he had been able to wear one. With a surprise, he then realized that he knew this particular muscle puppet. "Claude?" Strings asked, "Claude vonDammit? I'm sure you don't remember me, but we went to school together. PS 128 in Sanction."
"Hey, you're right," the body builder agreed, "I have no idea who you are. But I do remember PS 128, Good Ol' Huma Dragonbane High School. The Golden Dragonlances! Heh."
"Right, so um, you look like you're doing well since school."
"Oh sure, I married the head cheerleader, Suzy Fingercuff. I have a million platinum deal with the pro network," The bodybuilder tried to put more pride into his words than he honestly had, "... but I've peaked early. The new guys on the circuit are stronger, faster, better looking. I didn't realize that until Suzy pointed it out to me." The bodybuilder let out a long drawn out sigh. "I've led a good life until now, but I'd almost be better off if I didn't see my own downfall."
While the body builder spoke, Strings had pulled off his mandolin and unslung the strap. He pulled the braided wire of the strap, which was actually his garrote, through the loop and readied the weapon as the body builder was lamenting unawares. With quick precision that belied his emo-ssassin training, Strings dropped the garrote under the body builder's chin and pulled taunt. He required a mere fraction of the body builder's strength (which was good because that's all he had) and hardly any of his endurance because within four seconds Claude vonDammit had enjoyed his Beautiful Death and his life cycle now completed. Claude was now spared the pain that would have been the cost of the fruits than he had enjoyed until now.
As Strings neutralized the scene by removing the evidence, he let his voice accompany him as he sang a cappella:
"I don't care,
I just want to die pretty,
I just want to get lost in the motion,
I just want to get lost in my beautiful self,
I just want to get lost in the city..."
Strings reattached the garrote, which doubled as the strap for his mandolin. He played the notes that was the harmony to his words.
"... I don't want to live forever,
I want to die the beautiful death."
The emo-ssassin sat on stairs near the death site and continued to pluck notes as he wondered if anyone would find out what became of him.
* * *
Bobass ran through the halls of PepsiCola. Every time one of his weapons caught the afflicted kender awkwardly he looked back to find his pursuer, the ever incorrigible Mal'rash. Thus far he counted himself lucky, even when he caught a barbed arrow sideways in the thigh. At least it wasn't the possessive goblin.
As he crossed an intersection, Bobass Bottomknot ran straight into King Ballsar. WHAM! Dwarf and kender fell on their respective asses and their items spilled out. Martial weapons and royal ice cream sandwiches littered the floor. "Thank Det you're not a goblin," Bobass exclaimed, "where's the gully dwarf and the dwarf with wings? I'd also ask where the emo-ssassin was, but I'm not convinced I care."
[Edited by Benn-Salian on Wednesday, January 13, 2010 4:11 PM]
Benn-Salian
Ordo Terra: Scholar RK: 7 MP: 1,908
Member Since:
December 2002
Saturday January 16, 2010 7:19 PM
RE: Picks and Iceholes
Trots sat outside the door that his newly found brother, Hari, had become locked in against his will. At least Trots assumed he was locked in against will, since the winged dwarf had not come out and given his brother a hug. "Brother Hari! You need I break down the door?" Trots asked but his questions were ignored. "Help! My brother Hari must be not-conscious! Help someone!"
The only reply to the gully dwarf's cries were random notes played by a mandolin from somewhere else. Twang, twing, twong, twing, twong. Trots couldn't help but listen to the music that came in, it was so beautiful. Twang, twing, twong, twing, twong. The gully dwarf pulled out a lighter and waved it in the air because he thought the song was "Carry On Wayward Son" by Kansas. Then again, the gully dwarf never remembered more than two notes from any given song so it was really anyone's guess.
In the span of a second, the lighter slipped from Trots's hand and landed on the welcome mat outside of Hari's bed chamber. The entire thing lit up in a blaze of flame and fire. The newly awakened inferno crept up Hari's door.
"Oh my Det! Oh my Det!" Trots began to hyperventilate. He shook his gully hands with panic and heightened anxiety over what he had done. "Oh my Det, what I do?" The gully dwarf ran out and stopped the first person he saw, a short furred minotaur. "Brother Hari's in there! With the fire! Help!"
"Brother Hari?" the minotaur repeated, unsure what the little creature was saying, "you mean there's a monk in the burning building? Well that's no place for a monk! I'll call the fire department, little guy. Wait here." The short furred minotaur turned left and ran down the street.
"Oh my Det!" Trots continued to exclaim, still unable to calm himself down. "I forgot to tell brother Hari that his door's burning down!"
jojo
Initiare RK: 1 MP: 11
Member Since:
March 2009
Tuesday January 19, 2010 11:43 AM
RE: Picks and Iceholes
Shortly after locking the door to his room, Hari ran straight at the window looking for escape, and leapt out into the warm summer air.
******
"In the sky!" someone called out "It's a bird! No! No! It's a Hab+H!!" he continued as he pointed to the odd contraption headed over Pepsi.
******
Hari landed in the court yard in front of the villa of the sexiest dwarf alive, Ballsar Rockhard. A few moments passed in unruffled peace, Hari almost forgot his worries as he stood there in the warmth of the sun, which seemed to penetrate every fiber of his being. Just as he relaxed completely, he opened his eyes, just in time to see the gully dwarf run out of the villa and stop a fuzzy Minotaur. Seeing the concerned look on the Minotaur's face, Hari became curious of what moronic story the gully had just told. Hari moved closer but stopped short as smoke come bellowing out of the general location of his bedchamber. A wave of fear mixed with fury rushed over the captain of the guard. Hari took off running toward the smoking villa, using his large wings to propel his legs faster than any normal dwarf could ever hope to move.
Trots noticed the movement of the winged dwarf and was instantly in a state of elation to see his brother unharmed. "Brother Hari! Me glad you not…"
The blowback from Hari's large bat like wings knocked the young gully from his feet and onto his rump, cutting off his cries of joy.
As Hari raced to his employer,(with whom he had become great friends with in the past few months) his thoughts were a jumble.
"I'll bet this is "my brother's" doing. Why me? What have I done to deserve this upheaval in my otherwise easygoing life? Det give me the strength. I love Claire Bennet. I wonder if she has a fetish for midgets! I'd be perfect for her! Oh sweet I'd totally be in her muffin patch in no time. Damn it Trots is smaller than me, he ruins everything! ...Hey it echoes in here, Echo…! Echo…! Echo…!"
******
"Are you lost little emo?" came a call from a female voice down the alleyway.
Strings turned to locate the source of the voice. A'dara was headed his way (not that strings knew who she was), wearing her sash tied around her waist in her customary fashion, and she also carried with her a package of considerable size. The package was wrapped in the finest royal blue silk and tied up with a silk sash that rivaled the one tied on her waist.
"Are you here to visit with Ballsar also?" she probed. "If so we could go together."
Strings gave a slight nod and the two headed in the direction of Ballsar's villa.
[Edited by jojo on Tuesday, January 19, 2010 11:45 AM]
Benn-Salian
Ordo Terra: Scholar RK: 7 MP: 1,908
Member Since:
December 2002
Saturday February 6, 2010 10:51 AM
RE: Picks and Iceholes
Strings had slipped his mandolin behind his back and adjusted the strap so his new company would not see its true purpose as a death causing garrote. This was unnecessary since A'dara had already known this before she showed up in PepsiCola to begin with. The two walked in silence. This made the emo-ssassin feel out of place, but then again, so many things did.
The silence was interrupted by a whirling sound and the sensation of the earth vibrating slightly, not to mention the large gust of air that smelled of kender grease. "Tears and semen!" Strings swore, "What in the abyss is going on?"
A'dara glanced over. She knew the answer to his question but she saw no benefit in revealing that at the moment. "Let's find out. To the court of King Ballsar."
* * *
Trots chased his estranged brother Hari through the streets of PepsiCola. Where Hari going? Probably real cool place, that why Hari run so fast. Big brothers know cool places, me think. The gully dwarf's hidiougroogly legs pumped as hard as he could but were at a disadvantage with Hari, whose wings helped propel him closer to his liege lord and farther from his perceived sibling.
The winged dwarf was almost out of sight when he felt the gust of wind and slight trembling. He looked around to see if he could find the source but all he noticed was a whirling sound coming from the castle. Ballsar's castle! Shit! Trots ran full speed into Hari, interrupting both of their thoughts. "Tag! You it!" Trots's announced, demonstrating that gully dwarves are used to not finishing their thoughts.
"Not now, Trots, we need to get to the castle right away. Ballsar may be in trouble."
"Why? Is he it?"
* * *
When they heard the whirling sound, Bobass Bottomknot and Ballsar Rockhard had begun to evacuate the castle and stood out in the courtyard. There, they were able to hear something else coming from the darkening silhouette of a contraption descending from the sky, it was a familiar song being badly sung:
Oh, I wish I were a Istarian... hiccup... kingpriest
that is...hiccup... what I truly wish to be
An' if I were an Ist - arian king... hiccup... priest
everyone would be... something something something...me
Eventually the infamous HAB+H landed, a gnomish mechanism that appeared to be a helicopter with hot air balloons as propellers. The door opened with a loud but unintentional clank. Two gnomes, Detontrophe and Davidos exited. "Thank you Davidos, but our princess is in another castle!" Detontrophe declared and began laughing out loud until he was rolling on the floor laughing. The omnipresent gnome, who had usurped Reorx's place in the pantheon of gods was most decidedly drunk as a skunk. And yes, skunks are notorious alcoholics, ask anyone.
Ballsar began to walk towards the gnome, the very person he was sensing when shit got stupid. Detontrophe cut in before the dwarf could greet his best friend. "Hey, I have been thinking of you and you were thinking of me, so quit thinking so that we can get on with this adventure!" The gnome laughed, thinking back to when these words had been spoken before by Ballsar to Marderfarker so long ago.
"Det, by my own beard, it is good to see you," the grizzled dwarf announced with a warmness that was warranted by their friendship, "how the hell could you leave the kender and gully dwarf to come and bother me!"
"Ballsar, you know that being a god of neutrality is an overwhelming burden," the gnome said in his own defense, "Do you know how busy I've been?"
"You've been getting drunk at the Periwinkle Pony since October!" Ballsar snapped.
"Precisely. All those burdens aren't going away if I don't start drinking at exactly 5 pm."
Ballsar shook his head in disgust, "Never mind that, what are you going to do about this dilemma? That's what I like to know."
"Which one? The one about Trots or Danipza? I'm not a genealogist nor am I Maury Povich, to find out who baby daddies are," Detontrophe began to appear irate but settled when he saw the already irate look on Ballsar's face. "All right, you should remember that Trots was adopted for a time by Samsterd and Madong, but you may not known that a gully dwarf comes from a union of gnome and dwarf. Only I and Trots's... um, er... parents know who they are. That's for good reason. And more importantly, the green witch does lie a lot, deception is a powerful thing for her, remember that. As for Danipza, however, by a probability of 99.987%, Ballsar, you are the father."
"Ha!" Davidos called from the HAB+H, "sucks to be you."
jojo
Initiare RK: 1 MP: 11
Member Since:
March 2009
Monday March 1, 2010 9:17 AM
RE: Picks and Iceholes
Hari set out once again towards his lords castle with the young gully in his wake. After turning a few corners Hari was in the courtyard. Before he could ask what the odd contraption in front of him was his eyes crossed an even more startling sight, the king priestly robes. Instantly Hari was down on one knee, with his head lowered, Trots rounded the corner and spotted Hari.
Oh, what a clever brother me have! Trots mused to himself. The impulsive gully pumped his little legs faster than he had ever done before. "Leap Frog!" he screamed as he vaulted off the back of his brother.
Trots flew through the air like a bullet shot out of a high powered rifle, a second later he smashed face first into the side of the HAB+H.
* * *
A'dara and Strings walked out of an alley across from where the unfortunate gully had just face planted. After seeing the gully face down the two looked to one another with smiles that rivaled the Cheshire catAnd yes, the Cheshire cat was there as a comparison., both Strings and A'dara intuitively knowing what had just happened.
[Edited by jojo on Monday, March 1, 2010 12:49 PM]
Benn-Salian
Ordo Terra: Scholar RK: 7 MP: 1,908
Member Since:
December 2002
Thursday April 1, 2010 8:15 PM
RE: Picks and Iceholes
Davidos was inside the HAB+H scouting for where he had installed the most recent blender. He wanted a margarita and the portly gnome knew that the new blender had not blown any fuses as of yet. It was then that he heard a loud THWANK! that sounded like someone shot a gully dwarf through an air rifle at a piece of sheet metal. That may seem quite specific but it is assured that Davidos vividly remembered the last time a similar event had happened at his former shop.
The portly gnome quickly ran outside to witness Trots still recovering from his unsuccessful game of leap frog. The large dent in the outer hull of the HAB+H gave way to a brilliant idea. Davidos envisioned a golf ball with its dimpled texture, efficient trajectory and diminished drag. Davidos approached the winged dwarf, Hari. "May I borrow your gully dwarf so that I may use it to create more uniform dents in the HAB+H? I assure you it would make it the utmost in energy efficiency."
Hari stared at the gnome and said nothing. Part of him wondered what he was talking about and part of him wondered why it mattered - this would keep Trots busy for a while. "Will you let it be?" Detontrophe yelled at his compatriot, "I assure you that Trots will be better suited to the next storyline than he would assisting you." The portly gnome looked down, crestfallen and disappointed. The gnomish god then turned his attention to Hari. "You will be needed in the storyline as well, your unfortunate encounter with Gargarth's Graygem has made you quite useful in situations."
"I absolutely can't!" Hari protested, "I am sworn to my liege, Ballsar Rockhard of Pepsicola, Florida. It is my sworn duty to defend his person and honor. I have no time to escort an addle brained gully dwarf."
Much to Hari's surprise, it was Ballsar who responded. "Hari, you serve me well. Det is my oldest, and dearest friend. You have no idea how many nights he's spend with fat friends so they wouldn't be cock blocks during my dates. I am unable to help Trots in his quest, even for Det, so I want your to go in my stead. The kender, Samsterd Yummypu, will be the best place to start - he was one of Trots adopted parents, he may have some insight."
"Samsterd's taken up residence in the High Tower of Sorcery in Wayreth," Detontrophe added, "so your first test is to pass through the guardian forest and then to deal with the mages themselves. And don't forget that Samsterd has kenderstench, that smell is worse than a gorgon who douches with rancid tuna."
Kender. Gully Dwarves. Mages. Tuna. Hari felt the situation going from bad to worse. The winged dwarf remained as introspective as he could. He remained so while everyone said their goodbyes to Ballsar and his Pepsicolon court. He barely responded when he, Trots and the emo-ssassin Strings were loaded onto the one-dent HAB+H and flew over Wayreth. Hari was even detached when he used his wings to descend from still flying HAB+H while holding onto the gully dwarf and emo-ssassin.
When they finally made contact with the ground, the tower's ward defenses began to take effect. The tower and its magical forest had a way of bringing about a magical state of sleep to unwary trespassers. Trots soon found both Hari and Strings very much asleep and in the emo-ssassin's case, snoring awkwardly.
In his panicked stupor, Trots didn't register that someone had approached. Before them stood a large undead guardian. Its ragged garb gave him the impression that it had stood watch in this forest since almost ancient days. The guardian studied the gully dwarf with its blank, depthless eyes that reminded one of the last ember in a piece of coal. "Do you know what I do to trespassers who I find asleep in my forest?"
Trots looked around frantically, thinking about the guardian's question. Trots wondered what someone would do if they came across someone sleeping in the forest. "Oh no! Please don't put your guardianhood in their butts!"
Benn-Salian
Ordo Terra: Scholar RK: 7 MP: 1,908
Member Since:
December 2002
Wednesday May 5, 2010 5:44 PM
RE: Picks and Iceholes
"Didda didda chum didda!" Lobstrosity pleaded. The dire lobster angled its eye stalks in a manner that begged for reason, at least this one time. But the effort was in vain for he was pleading with Zetsubo Despair, nihilistic kobold and suicide enthusiast. The dire lobster sighed inwardly. He couldn't believe that the two of them had traveled all the way to Wayreth, found their way to the Tower of High Sorcery all in an attempt to let the kobold kill himself.
"I've made up my mind, friend," Zetsubo explained, "No one would devise a tower so high as this one, not unless they intended to allow fellows down on their luck, such as me, to plummet from the tower's heights. I assure you, I will use the tower appropriately."
Lobstrosity watched as Zetsubo took a few strides backwards to prepare for his jump. The dire lobster had seen enough. It was tired of its companion's misplaced depression. Today was a good day to have it end. As Zetsubo took his first few steps to the tower's edge, Lobstrosity moved into his way and held its pincers up to halt the insanity. Zetsubo made no attempt to slow down and Lobstrosity braced itself for impact.
The problem with lobsters, even dire ones, is that their horizontal orientation takes away from their overall height and allows most kobolds to easily jump over them. And that's what Zetsubo did, clear over dire lobster and over the edge of the tower and down to the ground.
"Featherfall!" a voice from one of the various windows yelled as a spell was cast and the kobold's descent slowed and the kobold gardually lowered to the ground in a safe and gentle manner. Lobstrosity, who had seen everything from the top of the tower, felt like smashing its head into the parapet over and over again.
At the bottom of the tower, a relatively unscathed Zetsubo began to feel the featherfall spell's effects wearing off when a lithe and attractive figure ran towards the kobold. "By Solinari's good graces, are you alright?" a voice called out. Zetsubo soon saw that it belonged to a beautiful white mage.
"I am very much alive, no thanks to you!" the kobold retorted, he was furious. He turned to his undesired savior. He could see her pale skin and the freckles that crossed over the bridge of her nose. Her long, red hair unnerved him in a way he was unused to.
"My name is Lyra. What were you doing up there?"
"I am named Zetsubo Despair and most of all, I do not want to die alone," the kobold explained, opening his soul to the gorgeous white mage, "I ask you, will you die with me?"
jojo
Initiare RK: 1 MP: 11
Member Since:
March 2009
Saturday May 8, 2010 8:11 AM
RE: Picks and Iceholes
Feeling the mounting tension, Harri sprang to his feet and whipped out the true hairy ankle spanker. (Oh how the guardian was in for a world of hurt. You see Harri had been trained in the ancient art of cockfighting by the wetbacks at the local Home Depot. Oh yes, beaners know how to handle an angry pecker.)
"I bet noone has ever been this HARD ON you before!" came Harri's Roar.
"Whoa Buddy! If you think that I was about FILE-IN-THE-WRONG-BOX, your terribly wrong. But if you really must TEST-MY-METAL, then we will MAKE-ENDS-MEET." the guardian shot back
Trots watched the two rush forward with their coldcuts in hand. Harri with his ham and mayo, and the guardian with his Olive loaf and what appeared to be tartar sauce. (Oh yes it was about to get messy.) "Wait!" he shouted "Me have no bread for making samitches!"
