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Forums > RP Ideas Interest Query > The incription on his sword (please review)

08/19/2006 5:01 PM

If you thin this idea is crazy very free to shoot this idea down as fast as possible. Oh and please don't hate me for using my screen name for this story idea. Description :

For Keo she lived life by the moment. Longing to find the man of her dreams but most of all to find her father. Now life was so complicated and messed up she couldn't even explain. All she knew about her father was the name her mother would mumur under her breathe when her daughter had upset her ... Kazumi. Her mother wasn't a bad person but when her daugther did something wrong . She blamed it on her her fathers . To the point that the name Kazumi was a bitter word that Keo didn't like to hear (her fathers last name). But she was determined to find him regardless if he wasn't the greatest man in the world. Well in time Keo had no luck but she did find love. He had vowed to help her . They got engaged and for Keo he set out secretly to find her father. Little did he know the horror that would approach him. He brought along his brother Sam. It was amazing how Red (Keo's fiance') could have gotten these connections to meet Keo's father. He wanted so dearly to ask her father for his daughter's hand. From there on the story goes misty . Sam was the only one to see this horrific sight. And now no words about the subject rarely came from his mouth. All we know from there is that neither man made it home that day. Maybe words were misued who knows. But she did know that day her fiance' did not return. Both men collided against each other peirceing each other's sword into to each other at the exact same time. And all she had to remember of him was his sword that Sam had brought back with her father's bloodstains against the steel. This story takes place in the that slightly caught between the middle earth times and now. The worlds gotten so mess up and now many people tend to live by the ways we do in the year 2006. It's the year 3890. And to make matterz worse while he was away Keo found out she was going to have his kid. It's been a year since all this mess accured and now Keo's set out more about her own daughter. It's amzing how quickly you fall in love folks. All she knew was that her ficane' had been an element demon but nothing more. Sam's killed himself recently over what no one knows. But she's determined to find out what really happened she wants to know who her ficanee' really was. And maybe just maybe see might happen to fall in love again. WHo knows...

Alright thats now the best way i could describe the story i might just end up editing all of this. But for now tell me whar you think.

08/21/2006 11:05 PM

Ok well I am intrigued by the idea but I am a lil lost in your delivery of summary, I would say please write two different explanations here. One for hwat your story is, and the other of what the setting and plot of this world is, this should also include where others could fit into your story.

I am sorry if i sound like I am judging I just got lost in your explanation, and i think you could summarize it all so I can understand it easier. also advice break your writing up into more paragraphs, it makes for easier reading.

08/22/2006 1:31 AM

I think my first critique is that you need to learn how to use paragraphs so that people will feel more inclined to read it.

08/22/2006 5:42 PM

Thank you both . I will retype all this. I got my idea out but I didn't deliver the story the way I wanted to . I'm not sure if it's rushed or what , but I don't know i'm going to change it as soon as possible.

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