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02/19/2005 3:43 PM
[b][i]Halrond and the Cat[/b][/i]
The cat did a little dance, hopped on one paw, lost its balance, fell off the bookshelf and into the culdron of boiling water.
"Oh my gosh! Tinder!" Jade screamed in dismay at the feline's misfortune.
"Looks likes we'll be having cat tonight." Halrond chewed on a toothpick, leaned back in his chair, and imagined what cats tasted like.
"Pa! How could you? Do something!" Jade was positively hysteric, her pretty face about to burst into tears.
"Pa, use this." Chiral picked up the broom and threw it to Halrond who was two steps away from the culdron and the splashing cat.
"All right, little fella." Hal raised the broom above his head, "I'm going to teach you how to make like a stone and sink."
That was when all hell broke lose.
Agnes woke her husband by slapping him repeatedly in the face.
"Wha- who?" Marshall thrashed around a bit before falling off the bed.
"Arrrgh, what IS it, woman?" the lumberjack grumbled as he climbed back onto the mattress.
"Shhh." Agnes whispered, "Listen."
Marshall rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and listened to the howling and screaming and cussing coming from next door.
"Mind your own business, woman. Go back to sleep."
"But doesn't it sound awful?"
"So what if Hal likes to sing."
A bloodcurdling scream ripped through the night air.
"Sing? Marshall, it sounds like someone is being murdered!"
"Honeybun, don't be so judgemental. So he isn't very good."
A chorus of screams followed.
"Oh my, that suonded like Jade!" Agnes hurriedly dressed as she contemplated booting her husband off the bed, "You ignorant, ignorant man. I'm going to check on them."
The rusty culdron tipped over with a screech shortly after the cat comprehended the predicament that it was in and decided that bath time was over. Hal screamed in surprise as the cat jumped off the edge of the culdron and onto his face. He then screamed in agony as the culdron of hot water said hello to his crotch and the culdron itself anchored onto his bare foot. He screamed in agony some more as the cat digged its traitorous little claws into his neck.
Howling in rage and pain, Hal crashed blindly into the bookshelf, which in turn, crashed into him and both fell in a tangled pile onto the floor.
Jade screamed as the cat twitched and stopped moving.
Hal grabbed the cat by the neck to try to pull it off his face and cried bloody murder as the cat reanimated itself and bit him in the nose.
That was when Agnes burst in the door with her pajamas and bunny slippers.
"Halrond Still the Third, what in the world is going on here?"
"Aunt Agnes, Pa tried to kill Tinder." Jade buried her face in Agnes' bosom.
"I did not, and she's not your aunt." Hal mumbled as he applied some healing salve to the back of his neck.
"You did too! You said you wanted to eat him!"
"I was joking, Jade. Who in their right mind would eat a cat?"
"Now now, everything's all right. Jade, baby, don't cry." Agnes whispered gently. "Halrond, you should be ashamed of yourself." She said in a more firm tone.
"Yeah yeah, and all of you need to get a sense of humour."
The cat hissed.
[b][i]Chiral and the Whores[/b][/i]
The big black culdron clinked, clanked and occasionally clunked as it was dragged unenthusiastically along the pebble path. Asterix and his obese cousin Oblix skipped happily after the rusty monstrosity as if they were following the candyman.
"Wha cha dewing?" Asterix asked in a sing song voice.
"I'm taking this culdron to the river."
And so the tormenting began.
The merry trio passed the butcher shop, the novelty shop, and the bakery.
At a snail like pace they crept past the fish market, the pawn shop and the winery.
The journey proved to be rather difficult as Asterix and Oblix insisted that he was a stupid cow and the caldron was their chariot.
"Go faster, you stoopid cow!"
With malicious intent, Chiral dragged the caludron over an abnormally large stone and sent the children into a chorus of a squeals and giggles.
The trio slid to a stop as Drunken Felix stumbled out of the winery with a bottle of rum.
"Say fellas." Chiral turned around to face the children.
"What is it, Mister Cow?"
"Why don't you go ask Mister Felix where he keeps all of his candy?".
With much more enthusiasm and urgency, the culdron bounced across the pebbles, the morning sunshine glinting off its well worn belly.
Finally, Chiral slowed down to catch his breath, thinking that he had put enough distance between himself and the children.
The enormous brass bells atop the village church swung majestically, chimming out the approach of noon.
Chiral stared at the brothel next to the church. Hamond the Priest was preaching to the whores again, waving his hands manically and telling them how they shall burn eternally in hell.
"Repent! You filthy whores, while you still have the chance! If you presist in your evil ways and lure innocent men away from their wives with your siren songs you shall burn in hell! Oh how you shell BURN, woman. The inextinguishable flames shall eat at your flesh and punish you without mercy!" The priest could be very charismatic.
"Sharlet, did the crazy rambling man just threaten me?"
"You heard the man, sister. He said you are going to burn in hell."
"NO you fool, BOTH OF YOU are going to BURN IN HELL!" Hamond was exasperated.
"Now you just made it personal, you ugly orc bastard." Sharlet bared her manicured nails.
Eve sniffed the delicate rose petals and sighed in content. Botan wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her in close.
"Bo, please." Eve pushed him off, "There are people watching!"
"Don't be so stuck up, Eve. Everyone knows we are going to the Holy Feast together."
"I'm not being stuck up. I'm just uncomfortable with this..."
"Hey, look at crazy Hamond. He's fighting with them whores again." Botan let out a low chuckle. He had the attention span of a short lived mosquito.
They watched as the priest wrinkled his nose in disgust, "Get your hands off me, woman. I don't know where it's been!"
"I wish you wouldn't call them that, Bo. They have to make a living too...somehow."
"I'll call them whatever I want, Eve. Now, don't you go around telling me what to do." Botan cupped her face firmly with his left hand.
With effort, Chiral released the death grip on the culdron.
He watched the white rose petals drift to the ground and scatter.
He watched Eve's full lips form a grimace as she stood on her toes.
The Golden Pair.
The girls all fell head over heals for Botan's flowing blond hair, his striking mid-night blue eyes, his strong chin, and his broad shoulders.
The boys all fell head over heals for Eve's silky brown hair, her twinkling emerald green eyes, her delicate features, and her kind heart.
A match made in heaven.
Chiral locked eyes with the Golden boy.
"What are you staring at, you beggar?" Botan snarled. "I don't like the way you are staring at me."
Botan released Eve and headed towards him.
"Bo, what are you doing? Stop! Leave him alone!"
There was a pounding in his head that just won't stop. It felt like three of his ribs were broken, and the salty taste of blood lingered in his mouth.
"Oh you poor poor baby!" Sharlet grabbed him and stuffed his face into her large breasts.
Chiral struggled to breathe, but the manly woman had him in an iron grip.
"Just because you are so cute, I'll give you a two point five percent discount."
With effort, Chiral wrenched himself free of the woman's cleavage and shivered as she bared her gold capped teeth.
"How's about it? Five coppers and a bronze." Sharlet winked.
"Get off me." Chiral clenched his jaw. Something in his eyes made the woman comply.
He stumbled a bit but found support on the overturned culdron.
"I've go to get water."
[Edited by ChiraL on Saturday, February 19, 2005 3:47 PM]
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