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11/19/2004 3:52 PM
The man in black fled across the desert, and Detontrophe followed.
The gnomish diety had followed the man in black for what now seemed like ages. If Detontrophe remembered correctly, when he first started on this trek Michael Jackson was still famous for his music and not everything else.
After some time to his own thoughts the gnome came across a befuddled old wizard. The wizard did not look up when the gnome passed, but that doesn't mean he didn't acknowledge the recently aquired member of the pantheon. "I wish I was a Krynnish Diety..." the wizard began to sing under his breath with the slightest trace of a smile.
"Good Afternoon, Fizban the Fabolous. I wish I could spend more time with you, but I need to catch up with the man in black. He owes me money." Detontrophe explained.
The wizard finally looked at the gnome and delivered him a dubious look. "Fistandantilus can wait, the world has moved on even though most of its inhabitants have not. You shall hold council soon enough"
Detontrophe pushed away some of the sand and sat down. He wanted to see this meeting with the fallen god through and be done with it. A glance behind him revealed that a small kender had followed the gnome for probably as long as he had, in turn, followed the man in black. The man named Fistandantilus.
The meeting of chance between the two was postponed when the gnome fell asleep from pure exhaustion. The following morning was highlighted with akwardness after the gnome displayed an erection that sparkled with the morning dew. "Your kender friend has passed on," Fizban said. "Breakfast's ready."
Fizban shrugged. "Fresh cooked bacon and eggs over easy, what else? You picky?"
"No, the kender."
"Just laid over, that's all. Always seeing you from behind probably didn't agree with him."
Gnome and wizard ate their share of food with much gusto. It was the gnome that spoke first when he confirmed that the wizard had been studying him for at least ten minutes. "Take a picture, it'll last longer."
"What's a picture, exactly?"
"Nevermind. The world's moved on, if you haven't forgotten."
The gnome was quiet for a moment or two more before he spoke again. "You want to know why I killed the ranger." It was a statement, not a question, so Fizban offered no answer. "It was never a question of why, just when. The man in black left his mark on him. That makes his life forfeit."
"The mark was only in pencil, it could have been erased," Fizban said more perturbed than upset.
The realization hardly phased the grizzled gnome diety. "I'll remember that in the future then." The gnome gathered his things, gingerly placing the deceased kender's body in a burlap bag.
This action garnered a questioning look from the former god of light. "There are thousands of starving children in Africa, I don't want to be one of them," the gnome explained.
Nodding in his acceptance, Fizban bid the gnome fair well and safe passage through the Plains of Dust. Soon Detontrophe was a mere shadow on the golden horizon and the former god called out to his successor: "Give Fistandantilus my reguards!"
11/21/2004 4:06 PM
The sands blew in every which direction imaginable. They blew left. They blew right. They blew in barrel rolls and then up the gnome's underpants. "Hey! I know that you want to get in pants, but there are better ways to do it," the gnome yelled out to the desert.
Several days had passed before the gnomish diety had conversed with Fizban and they had not passed without a few gnomish curse words. The days had dehydrated Detontrophe and he had been forced to filtering his own urine to replenish the water in his body. Without doing so he would be gambling with his own life. Luckily for the gnome, he had discovered that it still tasted like Kool-Aid.
The gnome began to walk the desert bare footed, allowing the sand to roll over the tops of his feet. He took to digging his toes into the sand as he walked.That is until his toe struck the steel of a railroad that crossed the desert for no more apparent reason other than to allow people to stub their toes if they so desired.
Following the rails with his eyes, Detontrophe noticed that they led up to and past a way station. The way station looked abandoned for the most part. It looked as if it had been left dilapidated for the better part of its existance. The gnome was doubtful that he would find anything useful, but he went over to investigate nonetheless.
His search was not fruitless. Detontrophe uncovered someone inside attempting to remain unseen. “Show yourself, Fistandantilus!” Detontrophe demanded, “Lest I bring this pile of timber down around your ears!”
The figure jumped out of the corner, bumping into the gnome, and then scurried to the other corner of the room. “No! Not Ake!” the figure, who the gnome could now tell was of short statue, hollered, “Please Mr. Man in Black don’t kill Ake.”
This caught the gnome’s attention. Here was someone who had seen the man in black recently enough to think he was still here. That meant that Fistandantilus was close by, or this someone was as dumb as a brick. “Fear not. I shall not hurt you if you help me find the man in black that you talked about,” Detontrophe reassured, “Where did he go from here?”
The figure pulled away from the corner with its head fixated on the gnome. The shadows pulled away once it stepped away from the light. Detontrophe’s eyes narrowed as he recognized the figure to be a gully dwarf. “Ake not know,” the gully dwarf replied, “Ake only glad him gone. Him gone like food. Gone like ale. Gone like hope for Ake.”
The gully dwarf, whose name appeared to be Ake, seemed to have a good accessment of the situation. The little bastard had eaten and dranken himself into a hole of sorts. Perhaps the gnome could take the guy along on his venture. But for what purpose and end? Surely, the gully dwarf had no use on the road and would only be a liability.
Just then, the gnome felt a tugging on his conscious. There was a possibility that the gully dwarf could die if he traveled with the gnome diety, but it was definate if he stayed behind. Detontrophe took a moment to sigh before he talked to Ake. “Alright Gully, you shall accompany me. We travel across the desert to hold council with the man in black.”
Ake’s eyes lit up. He studied the gnome before responding. “Ake will come, but to do what, Ake not know.”
“If need be, you can double as my sacrifice. Never know when those can be necessary.”
Ake nodded in agreement.
12/13/2004 5:57 PM
Gnome and Gully Dwarf crossed the desert mostly in silence. Ake began to wonder what he had gotten himself into. If, perhaps, he would be in better shape had he stayed at the way station. Ake knew little of the gnomish diety with whom he had spent the better half of a week. He only caught a few snippets that the gnome let slip out in his sleep. Names such as Ballsar, Samsterd, Marderfarker and Madong frequently were revisted in the gnome's rantings.
Once when the gully dwarf woke in the middle of the night he saw Detontrophe awake and staring into the fire as it died down. Ake had not given any sign that he was awake, but he knew that the gnome was aware nonetheless. "Who's Ballsar?" the gully dwarf asked suddenly.
Detontrophe didn’t flinch. "If Madonna had a real penis her name would be Ballsar Rockhard and you'd have died for her," the gnome said thoughtfully, "or him as the case actually was." Detontrophe thought privately for a moment. "There's unrest on this night and will probably continue for the next few nights," he remarked as he rummaged through his bag. "Here we go," he announced as he produced a pair of soiled boxers, "these were Ballsar's. Because he was such a manly dwarf such of the likes Krynn has never seen, there is much power in them. They should serve you well."
Ake accepted the gift with a sniff and a smile. For the rest of the night they slept soundly, with the exception of fifteen minutes where it seemed like Ake was bouncing under his blankets.
The following night they did not have the luxary to sleep. The night had followed are laboring day through the hot sun that beat on them like an evil step parent. The gnome and gully dwarf fell asleep as soon as their heads hit the sand. Detontrophe shortly awoke during the middle of the night when Ake rose from his own slumber and started walking out into the uninviting desert. Detontrophe decided to follow.
The gully dwarf seemed lost out in the desert, he turned left and right spiratically and without benefit. True, there weren’t any reference points in the direction he took nor was Ake’s eyes open to see them if there were. But once the gully dwarf did a somersault over an oxen skull, Detontrophe decided it was more in part to the gully dwarf’s ignorance and decided he would retrieve the map back from him in the morning.
A few moments later Ake stopped and bent over for no apparent reason. Ake giggled a few times before Detontrophe got close enough to make out what was truly happening. With the sight befitting a god, because he was, in fact, a god, Detontrophe could easily see that which had the gully dwarf proudly declairing that puberty had not yet come for him. It was the death knight, Lord Soth. He was biting his bottom lip while he placed his finger in an orifice that Detontrophe had never wanted to see even on the most beautiful of elven clerics.
Soth made Ake bend over even farther with the palm of his hand on the gully dwarf’s backside. This caused a particular undergarment to fall out of Ake’s shirt where it had previously been pressed against his bare skin. Upon seeing Ballsar’s unmentionables, Detontrophe scattered over to them and held them in front of the death knight. “Oh no! Tis my kryptonite,” Soth exclaimed upon realization of the artifact, “for I cannot commit such acts in attendance of such a manly artifact even when such acts are approved and regularly practiced by the clerics of Branchala.”
“Stand back!” Detontrophe replied in confrontation, “you shall not gain pleasure here this night. In exchange for the inconvience you have already endured me, I require information on our journey. What do you see?”
Reluctanely, the death knight came forward. “I deal before you five tarot cards. The first is THE COOKIE, but not for you, gnome. The second is THE PRISONOR, this represents a person who is plagued by a demon. This demon is named Hidiougroogly. The third is LOOKING AT LADIES THROUGH THEIR WINDOWS, this card represents a smelly pervert. Sounds like he’s fun. The fourth is THE PUNISHER, you’ll meet him soon enough. The fifth and final card is THE PUDDING, but, once again, not for you, gnome.”
When the gnome had heard enough, he laid the soiled britches of his friend, Ballsar, in front of the death knight. He tipped the gully dwarf onto his side and dragged his embarrassing counterpart home by his pant leg, all the while leaving the gully dwarf’s skidmarks in the desert sand.
12/26/2004 7:24 AM
Detontrophe had to make his way around a mountain trail after he departed from his confrontation with Lord Soth. On the way back to the campsite, Detontrophe was revisited by a voice that had begun to haunt the gnome’s dreams. It was Fistandantilus’s: “Gnome! There you are. I thought you would be closer on my trail than this. Perhaps the gully dwarf is dead weight. Or perhaps not dead yet,” the dark mage replied with a smile. “I’ll be on the other side of this mountain in three days time. There, you and I may hold council. That’s you and I, no gully dwarves invited.”
And with that, he disappeared behind a ledge before Detontrophe could respond. Detontrophe felt the urge to curse at his nemesis, but realized that it didn’t really matter. That’s right, just like male fans of Backstreet Boys anf N*Sync, they don’t really matter.
* * *
By morning, the gully dwarf had woken, though he could not comprehend where he had gotten his arse sandblasted. Detontrophe said nothing to his company. He simply took his leave of the camp by midmorning without so much as a word. Ake noticed before he was out of sight and struggled to catch up with the gnomish deity.
The gnome traveled underneath the mountain with the gully dwarf by his side. The two of them battled grungey dark dwarves as they seemed to pop right out of the woodwork. Knowing how the dark was dealt with in any other place, detontrophe spoke the rune of light, Lir, and the entire tuneel lit up with the god’s magic. Once all the Dewar were blinded by this godly beacon, Ake ran over to each of them and greeted them with a punch in the groin. “Tag! You’re hit!” the gully dwarf exclaimed. The two of them walked right through the mass of dewar who were blinded yet saw stars. As Detontrophe past so many dark dwarves he could not help being reminded of his friend Madong. The pains of agony only made it harder to discern the difference. The two continued on out the other side of the mountain.
On the other side of the mountain, gnome and gully dwarf saw that the tracks they had been following stretched over a ravine. “This is the way the man in black would have taken and so shall we,” Detontrophe said allowed. The first thing he had spoken to Ake in some time.
While the tracks were still on solid ground Detontrophe watched as the gully dwarf played hopscotch between boards. The gnomish diety just shook his head. The pushed on. Once they were both suspended over the ravine with only the train tracks to keep them aloft, the gnome decided to explain the danger they were both in to the gully dwarf. “We’re right above one of those dangerous places we’ve talked about. Make sure to be careful and for Reorx’s sake don’t play any of your childish games.”
“You mean like this ga-“ the gully dwarf was saying before he fell in between two of the boards while demonstrating the hopscotch game of earlier. Luckily, Ake was still able to grab the board with his hand before falling to his death. “Darn, I lost.”
“For all that’s sacred, there you go and do what I tells you not to,” Detontrophe remarked quite annoyed, “Here, take my arm before you lose your grip.” Detontrophe offered one of his hands nonchalantly.
“Gnome! How good to see you once more. Sans gully dwarf even. How good of you to do that for me. Come here so that we may hold council,” Fistandantilus, the man in black, called from the other side of the tracks where it once again met land.
The gnome looked back to the gully dwarf. “Go Gnome. There are other worlds than this,” Ake said.
“What’s that you say?” Detontrophe asked.
“I said, Go gnome. There are o- o- o- achooo!” And with a sneeze that shook Ake from the beam, his hopes of being saved were lost and the gully dwarf headed due south to a unmistaken death.
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