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Insano
01/19/2004 3:38 PM

OOC: Hello Ladies and Germs. After a long break from RPing, your local lovable gnome is back with an adventure of his own. Straight up RPing, no silly plot twists. No crossovers. Nothing but 100% fun Krynnish War of the Lance era fun!

Anywho, here is the premise. I'm thinking that myself, and any other characters who decide to show (looks at Billy-Bob Salian) will write as evil characters stationed in Neraka or an evil alligned city during the height of the WotL. What say ye?

Everyone ready for.....

**Dramatic Pause**

Pawns of Darkness.


Thandarth, quickly scurried down the road through the Lords of Doom. Barg, a man of nearly 30 years on Krynn, and standing 6 feet 2 inches, and carved from pure muscle thundered down the road. The man would have been hansome if it were not for his iron grey hair that fell to just above his shoulders. A well used, and slightly rusted sword hung from his hip with a dark black cape hiding it, had some unlikely passerby notice the bulge the pommel of his sword hiding beneath the cape their life would be quickly forfit. The human cursed the wretched smoke that hung so low in the mountain passes at this time of year. "By Queen Takhisis, I've never been so choked up in my entire life." Muttered the man to the Goblin who had served as his traveling partner for these last few months. "Get your ass moving you worthless worm" spat Thandarth. "We need only to cross that hill to get to town."


OOC: OK stage is set.... Take it from here

eswiftfire
03/22/2005 10:05 AM

Eliar Swiftfire appeared with a POOF! and shrugged. "Yeah, well, since no one took it from there, the Thread Enders Inc. shall hijack this thread. Peace, brother. War of the Lance era huh? Cool, I always felt that the war had been a little too kiddy-ish when portrayed in the Chronicles trilogy. Maybe it's time to make things darker and gorier, something more like George R R Martin's stuff."

Aeramae
03/23/2005 5:02 PM

Straea shimmered in (yes, with the glitter), and dusted herself off.

"Dark and gory huh?" she asked, shaking her hair out. "Sounds fun! I'll help with the brutal demise of this....thread."

eswiftfire
03/23/2005 5:11 PM

"Hey! I didn't know you're online! Check out the letter I sent you!" Eliar pointed on his right, at the words 'RPGC Mail'.

Alanded
03/23/2005 7:49 PM

Nat appears in the thread carrying two huge-ass buckets labeled "Blood" and "Gore".

"YO, SUP DUDES?"

eswiftfire
03/24/2005 7:46 AM

Lucas, master of the Caravan of Death, walked in, laughing merrily. "Seems like a good thread for me. Let's look for a victim, and torture him badly. So gruesome that everything's totally in bad taste."

A poor innocent little child who was chasing butterflies stumbled into the place, seeing the scary scary people standing near him, the innocent little child gasped in terror.

"NYAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Lucas threw his head back and laughed evilly.

Aeramae
03/24/2005 8:52 AM

Straea walked over to the kid, and grabbed the tyke by the shirt.

"Well, ordinarilly I wouldn't condone the torturing and killing of children," she said, tossing the child to Lucas, "but since this is going to be gory, and in bad taste, then why not start with this one? Then, we can go on to parents, grandparents, friends, and so on and so forth."

eswiftfire
03/24/2005 9:02 AM

"All righty!" Lucas laughed. Grabbing the struggling child, he happily sliced off his legs to make sure that he couldn't run away. Blood started gushing out from the stumps, the child screamed and screamed hysterically.

"No Heroes of the Lance is going to save you, kiddo." Lucas said, dropping the mutilated child onto the ground, allowing him to drown in his own blood.

He did.

"Aw." Lucas said in pity.

Alanded
03/24/2005 5:16 PM


"No Heroes of the Lance is going to save you, kiddo." Lucas said, dropping the mutilated child onto the ground, allowing him to drown in his own blood.

He did.

"Aw." Lucas said in pity.



Nat gasps in horror. "HEY GUYS I KNEW YOU WANTED IT TO BE EXTREME BUT ISN'T THIS GOING TOO FAR?" Was what it would have said, but-

"NGHAAAAAAAAHHHH" Was all it said instead as a massively muscled hand crushed its head in.

"HEY BITCHES! IS THAT WHAT YOU CONSIDER A REALLY COOL TORTURE SCENE?" Legolas roared as he stepped forward in full Super Saiyajin lvl 3000 mode.

"Fsckin hell, let's see what i can do to salvage the situation." He lifts the boy's corpse up by an arm and inspects it critically, just as a screaming hsyterical woman runs up to him.

"My baby!!!! My baby!!!! WHY!!!!!" She screams.

Legolas proceeds to thrust one massively muscular hand up the corpse's ass, crushing bone to powder, the mashed intestines and other organs leaking out from the mouth as he tried to get a good grip.

"Hey momma! Look at me! I have an entire hand up my ass!" Legolas said as he moved his impromptu hand puppet's mouth open and closed, smirking like an evil bastard.

eswiftfire
03/24/2005 6:30 PM

The woman screamed in horror at the sight of her poor son, then fainted immediately.

"Tsk tsk." Lucas said. "Guess I shall operate on you."

Taking out a set of needles and threads, he turned to Legolas.

"If she wants her baby so much, maybe we'll sew the hand puppet upon her own hand." Lucas giggled insanely. "So that she'll never be separated from him ever again. Or maybe I'll just sew the severed legs upon her so that she can remember her poor child forever."

OOC:

China Mieville.

Alanded
03/24/2005 6:41 PM


"If she wants her baby so much, maybe we'll sew the hand puppet upon her own hand." Lucas giggled insanely. "So that she'll never be separated from him ever again. Or maybe I'll just sew the severed legs upon her so that she can remember her poor child forever."


"Duuuude. NOW you're talking." Legolas said. "Anyway, why choose between one or the other? Do both, man."

eswiftfire
03/24/2005 7:01 PM

"Okay, I'll graft the severed legs of her son upon her shoulders, and slice off her hand and sew her son's corpse on her stump. It's going to be so 'Midori No Hibi', baby." Lucas said.

Alanded
03/24/2005 8:34 PM


"Okay, I'll graft the severed legs of her son upon her shoulders, and slice off her hand and sew her son's corpse on her stump. It's going to be so 'Midori No Hibi', baby." Lucas said.


"Whatever dude." Legolas said as he scanned the area. "These two wouldn't have wandered here on their own. Somewhere there must be a papa victim wandering about. Who knows, there could be an entire village of potential poor, hapless victims just over that hill over there!"

*meanwhile, in a village of potential poor, hapless victims just over that hill*

"Ahhh.... where could my wife and beautiful baby son be?" Asked the Village Head, Mister Head, whose secretary was giving him head while he was sitting on the head (slang for toilet for those who don't know) in his head office at the very head of the village staring straight ahead at two underlings with enormous heads.

"We don't know sir!!!" Said Big Head Underling #1.

"Yes sir, that's right sir!" Said Big Head Underling #2.

"well, don't just stand there!!! FInd them!!!" Roared Mr. Head the village head.

eswiftfire
03/25/2005 3:06 AM

The woman woke up, saw the insane shit Lucas had described earlier being done to her, and started screaming in agony and hysterically.

"Okay, if this goes on, she'll die before I can finish the operation. This sucks." Lucas frowned. "Too bad I didn't bring any sedatives with me."

Aeramae
03/25/2005 6:35 AM

"Ah, but that's why you have a woman here to help you," Straea said. "It just so happens that I came prepared."

Straea reached into her blouse, and pulled out a bottle of ether. Her moment of triumph was almost ruined as she realized that she had forgotten her handkerchief at home, but lucky for her, inspiration struck. The buxom mage reached down, grabbed the hem of her skirt, and ripped a long piece of cloth off.

Smiling, she dowsed the cloth with the entire contents of the bottle, and shoved said cloth in the hysterical villagers face. Within seconds, all was silent once more.

"And just think, I've got our party supplies stashed around here somewhere as well!"

Alanded
03/25/2005 5:00 PM


"And just think, I've got our party supplies stashed around here somewhere as well!"


"Which would be great! I've just been over that hill and there really IS a village of potential victims there!" Legolas said grinning cheerfully, as he suddenly appeared beside them, covered in blood and picking his teeth with a baby's shin bone.

"You know, they weren't kidding when they say 'soft as a baby's bottom'. Its tender and juicy sweet." the Super Saiyan Elf said.

eswiftfire
03/25/2005 5:38 PM

"Yes!" Lucas pumped his fist in excitement. "I've grafted the severed legs on her shoulder, and sewn the corpse of her son on her hand!!"

The woman looked back at him lifelessly.

"Oh shit, she's already dead. No fun."

Lucas pouted and brought his boot down upon the woman's face, crushing her skull completely, sending bits and pieces of brains and other thingie around.

"The next thing I want to do is a bonsai human." Lucas said solemnly.

Alanded
03/26/2005 2:52 AM


Lucas pouted and brought his boot down upon the woman's face, crushing her skull completely, sending bits and pieces of brains and other thingie around.


"No waaaaay, what a horrible waste!" Legsie said as he looked at the smashed face of the woman. "I think she was looking at you lifelessly because she was stoned out of her mind by drugs dude."

"Well, anyway, let's recycle!" Legolas reached into the remnants of the womans mouth, putting his entire hand in, and gave a mighty tug, tearing her skeleton out of her skin and flesh. Then with his super saiyan powers, he cauterized the huge holes and cut new ones, then stepped into his new duds, which smelled really really gross.

"Look!!!" He said, smiling sadistically as he pulled the hoodie he had made from the womans scalp and face over his head. His voice was an odious falsetto. "I'm just a poor, poor lady, allll alone in the dark dangerous woods."

"And look again!!!" He said, grinning even more widely. "This thing's even got BREAST pockets!!!" He pulled them open to demonstrate his point.


OOC: I have just hit a new low in terms of evil scumminess.

eswiftfire
03/26/2005 8:38 AM

OOC: I know, I kinda feel, well, dirty, while doing this thread. Kinda like being forced to make porn videos or something.

IC:

"HAHAHAHA! GREAT ONE! Legsie!" Lucas laughed. "I wonder whether the husband will mistake you as his wife!"

Aeramae
03/26/2005 8:41 AM

"Aw, man! I'm never going to get this cleaned!" Straea yelped, as blood, brain matter, and tissue spattered her dress. "Damn, this is what I get for trying to look good at a party."

Sighing, and making a face at Legolas & Lucas, she undressed, and threw her clothing down in a pile at her feet. Not caring that now she was only dressed in her black lace bra & matching panties (the red bra having never been recovered from Ballsar), she produced a can of lighter fluid, and a box of matches.

"Well, since I can't wear this anymore, might as well start a fire with it," she said as she torched her clothing. "Hey, I'm going to the village, see if I can't find something else to use on this fire. Who wants to come with?"

eswiftfire
03/26/2005 9:31 AM

Bardus the Tour Guide popped out of nowhere. "Sure, I'll come over, and take photos while you're doing sick things to people! In fact, I'm hoping to become the very first person in Krynn to make a snuff video too! It's a gnomish invention, this whole video thing. In fact, I've been having so much fun lately, I have a video of a child opening the stomach of a pregnant cat to see the kittens, and a video of this stillborn Siamese twins who are fit into a jug for worshipping and such. I think Lucas used to have one of those."

"I touch those only for luck, dumbass." Lucas snorted.

Alanded
03/26/2005 4:10 PM


"Well, since I can't wear this anymore, might as well start a fire with it," she said as she torched her clothing. "Hey, I'm going to the village, see if I can't find something else to use on this fire. Who wants to come with?"



"Me!" Womansuit (actually Legolas) replied, hopping cheerfully, apple-filled BREAST pockets bouncing merrily.

"And me too!" Hand Puppet Boy (aka also Legolas) added.

Alanded
03/26/2005 4:13 PM


Bardus the Tour Guide popped out of nowhere. "Sure, I'll come over, and take photos while you're doing sick things to people! In fact, I'm hoping to become the very first person in Krynn to make a snuff video too! It's a gnomish invention, this whole video thing. In fact, I've been having so much fun lately, I have a video of a child opening the stomach of a pregnant cat to see the kittens, and a video of this stillborn Siamese twins who are fit into a jug for worshipping and such. I think Lucas used to have one of those."



"Hey, we could try doing those." Womansuit said thoughtfully. "I didn't actually see any pregnant women about, but there ought to be one around."

eswiftfire
03/27/2005 8:10 PM

"Oh my! Sister! I thought you were dead!" A pregnant woman appeared out of nowhere and ran towards Womansuit.

Alanded
03/28/2005 4:12 AM


"Oh my! Sister! I thought you were dead!" A pregnant woman appeared out of nowhere and ran towards Womansuit.


"Ohhh aunfie!!! I miffed you fo vewy much! I miffed you so vewy much I could just EAT you ALIVE!!! Hand Puppet Boy said before clamping its mouth (Legsie's hand) over the woman's face and tearing it off in a single bloody strip.

eswiftfire
03/28/2005 9:07 AM

"EEEEEEEK!" The pregnant woman reacted as there was nothing left on her face, revealing the skull beneath. Then, the eyeballs fell off from the sockets, and she began running around blindly like a headless chicken.

"I've once plunged my hand into a pregnant woman's stomach to rip out her foetus in Kitiara99's Istar thread, I'm not going to do something like that again." Lucas lamented, planting a foot forward and making the woman trip face first, or rather, tummy-first, onto the ground.

Alanded
03/29/2005 1:13 AM


"I've once plunged my hand into a pregnant woman's stomach to rip out her foetus in Kitiara99's Istar thread, I'm not going to do something like that again." Lucas lamented, planting a foot forward and making the woman trip face first, or rather, tummy-first, onto the ground.



The woman fell down so hard, she somehow vomited her almost-born foetus onto the ground.

Scrabbling weakly on the damp and bloody ground, the foetus/baby crawls in a confused circle around its mother's dying body, dragging its umbilical cord (which is all tangled up with the intestines and ovarian tract) behind it through the muck.

eswiftfire
03/29/2005 6:46 PM

Laughing merrily, Lucas kicked the foetus towards Legolas. "Wanna play a game of soccer?"

Alanded
04/01/2005 6:05 PM


Laughing merrily, Lucas kicked the foetus towards Legolas. "Wanna play a game of soccer?"


"Sure. But first..." Legsie bent down, took a huge firecracker from his backpack and stuck it completely up the woman's ass, then lit the fuse.

A few seconds and one muffled boom later, bits of ass went flying through the air.

"Unghhhhhh..." the woman said, her shredded intestines spilling out from the ragged flesh of her posterior, leaking excrement and blood.



OOC: Found the collection of "goru' manga on the web again. If I post pictures, do you think they'd lock this thread?

eswiftfire
04/01/2005 7:18 PM

OOC: Eew.

IC:

Lucas looked at the woman with a thoughtful expression while Bardus took pictures excitedly.

"I wonder whether it's gonna be more tasteless if I make Terry Schiavo jokes?" The caravan master mused.

Alanded
04/01/2005 8:47 PM


"I wonder whether it's gonna be more tasteless if I make Terry Schiavo jokes?" The caravan master mused.


"I think we're pretty much nearing the point of no return with all this." Legsie agreed, as he started basting the foetus with honey babeque sauce. The elf had already set up a porta-grill nearby.

"Hey, you want onions with your half?"

eswiftfire
04/02/2005 4:04 AM



"I wonder whether it's gonna be more tasteless if I make Terry Schiavo jokes?" The caravan master mused.


"I think we're pretty much nearing the point of no return with all this." Legsie agreed, as he started basting the foetus with honey babeque sauce. The elf had already set up a porta-grill nearby.

"Hey, you want onions with your half?"


"Sure." Lucas said. "Okay, Terry Schiavo joke. Hmm... nah, making that will make me burn in hell. I'm too much of a good man to do that. Be quick, Legsie, I'm starving like Terry Schiavo."

Alanded
04/02/2005 4:48 AM


"Sure." Lucas said. "Okay, Terry Schiavo joke. Hmm... nah, making that will make me burn in hell. I'm too much of a good man to do that. Be quick, Legsie, I'm starving like Terry Schiavo."


"Sure thing." Legsie said. "Would you like the brains? Or the nice fat juicy ass?"

eswiftfire
04/02/2005 4:51 AM



"Sure." Lucas said. "Okay, Terry Schiavo joke. Hmm... nah, making that will make me burn in hell. I'm too much of a good man to do that. Be quick, Legsie, I'm starving like Terry Schiavo."


"Sure thing." Legsie said. "Would you like the brains? Or the nice fat juicy ass?"


"I don't want the brains, it's probably as squishy and empty as Terry Schiavo's." Lucas said.

OOC:

I seriously feel, er, really bad, here. I'm too nice of a guy to make such tasteless jokes. Dude, you're right, WE are the pawns of darkness. The RPers, not the chars.

Alanded
04/02/2005 4:55 AM


"I don't want the brains, it's probably as squishy and empty as Terry Schiavo's." Lucas said.

OOC:

I seriously feel, er, really bad, here. I'm too nice of a guy to make such tasteless jokes. Dude, you're right, WE are the pawns of darkness. The RPers, not the chars.



OOC:

This thread is EVIL.

BIC:

Here, have a nice toasty ass. I bet it's not as soft and tender as Terri Schiavo's.


OOC:

We should really do something about ending this soon. Now you've got ME talking about Terri Schiavo. Goddamit.

eswiftfire
04/02/2005 5:04 AM

"Then I shall not eat it!" Lucas said indignantly. "I seriously think this thread should end as soon, it's dying a slow and undignified death, like Terry Schiavo did. And this is supposed to be the War of the Lance in KRYNN, why in the blue hell are we talking about Terry Schiavo????"

Alanded
04/02/2005 5:07 AM


"Then I shall not eat it!" Lucas said indignantly. "I seriously think this thread should end as soon, it's dying a slow and undignified death, like Terry Schiavo did. And this is supposed to be the War of the Lance in KRYNN, why in the blue hell are we talking about Terry Schiavo????"


"How the hell would I know? You're the one who started it!!" Legsie retorted. And you're the one still doing it!!! See! You just went and said Terri Schiavo AGAIN!!! Bloody heck!"

eswiftfire
04/02/2005 5:11 AM


"How the hell would I know? You're the one who started it!!" Legsie retorted. And you're the one still doing it!!! See! You just went and said Terri Schiavo AGAIN!!! Bloody heck!"


"There you go! You said Terri Schiavo too. Oh, did you know that Terri Schiavo's name is in the wikipedia? Man, I wish 'Lucas the Caravan Master' would be in it too. I will be known as 'tasteless character in freeform forum RPGs who became the first person to make references of Terri Schiavo in a RP thread'." Lucas said.

Alanded
04/02/2005 5:22 AM


"There you go! You said Terri Schiavo too. Oh, did you know that Terri Schiavo's name is in the wikipedia? Man, I wish 'Lucas the Caravan Master' would be in it too. I will be known as 'tasteless character in freeform forum RPGs who became the first person to make references of Terri Schiavo in a RP thread'." Lucas said.



"Fsck!!! Bloody fsck! Next thing I know, I'm going to start talking about the Pope." Legsie said. "Even though there is NO pope on Krynn!!!!!"

eswiftfire
04/02/2005 5:28 AM

"Yeah, you'll probably quote Bush on this tragic event of the Pope's passing. Saying stuff like 'Our thoughts and prayers go out to this great man and all of his many children', continuing with 'He touched all of us in places no one else could reach.'" Lucas said.

Alanded
04/02/2005 5:34 AM


"Yeah, you'll probably quote Bush on this tragic event of the Pope's passing. Saying stuff like 'Our thoughts and prayers go out to this great man and all of his many children', continuing with 'He touched all of us in places no one else could reach.'" Lucas said.



".... I'm just gonna eat my brains now, before I say anything else absoludicrously crass."

Legsie said, gnawing on a chunk of buttered, honey roasted noggin.

eswiftfire
04/02/2005 5:41 AM


".... I'm just gonna eat my brains now, before I say anything else absoludicrously crass."

Legsie said, gnawing on a chunk of buttered, honey roasted noggin.


"Okay. Now, how shall we end this thread?" Lucas pondered, pointing at the chick who got half of her body blown up. "Is the woman still alive? And I wonder when the head of the village is coming. Hm."

Alanded
04/02/2005 5:44 AM


"Okay. Now, how shall we end this thread?" Lucas pondered, pointing at the chick who got half of her body blown up. "Is the woman still alive? And I wonder when the head of the village is coming. Hm."


"Well, why don't we just go burn down the village, flay the parents, eat their children, and sodomize the children's pets?" Legsie suggested.

eswiftfire
04/02/2005 5:48 AM



"Okay. Now, how shall we end this thread?" Lucas pondered, pointing at the chick who got half of her body blown up. "Is the woman still alive? And I wonder when the head of the village is coming. Hm."


"Well, why don't we just go burn down the village, flay the parents, eat their children, and sodomize the children's pets?" Legsie suggested.


"All righty, let's go!" Lucas said excitedly, running to his Caravan of Death.

===============

Random village boy ran towards Mr. Head. "Mr. Head! I see a black caravan heading towards our direction!!!"

Alanded
04/02/2005 5:58 AM


Random village boy ran towards Mr. Head. "Mr. Head! I see a black caravan heading towards our direction!!!"



"Oh my god!!! A mysterious black caravan is headed towards our direction. My Mr. Head Sense is tingling!!! This can't be good!" Mr. Head said agitatedly.


"Dood, you're on fire." Big Head Minion one said.

"Oh, oka- whadafuck??!! Help! I'm on fire- arghhhhhhhhhhh!!!" Mr. Head screamed as Legsie turned up the output on the Happy Acme Industrial Barbeque Flamer, perfect for those large family barbeques. Or for barbequeing large families.

eswiftfire
04/02/2005 6:02 AM

Meanwhile, Lucas was happily running people down with his caravan.

A few kids stood in the path...

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!"

"MOMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

*SPLAT* *SPLAAAAAAAAAAAAAT* *SPLAT* *THUNK*

"MWAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Lucas laughed joyously as tiny bits of children flew onto his face.

A cow came into view.

"MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

*SPLAT*

"Eeeew." Lucas remarked. "This ain't cool."

Alanded
04/02/2005 6:09 AM

"MOEEEEEEERUUUUUUUUU!!!!" Legsie said, screaming out Japanese for "BUUUURRRRRRN!!" as he torched house after house. Occasionally, he would pause to sodomize a kitten or puppy, but more often than not he just burned them to a crisp as well, sometimes tearing off a hunk of meat to gnaw on. Arson was really heavy work.

eswiftfire
04/02/2005 6:11 AM

Eliar appeared with a POOF!

"Okay, this is getting increasingly sickening. Shall I end the thread now?"

Alanded
04/02/2005 6:15 AM


Eliar appeared with a POOF!

"Okay, this is getting increasingly sickening. Shall I end the thread now?"



OOC: Yes, please do!!!

BIC:

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" Legsie screamed, fed up with the slow and tedious process of:

1. Kick door down

2. Point nozzle into house

3. Immolate interior

4. Watch out for and incinerate window jumpers

5. Moving on and repeating from step 1.

So instead, he charged up a super Ki Blast.

"Die FSCKERS!!!" He screamed, then blew up the world.

eswiftfire
04/02/2005 6:17 AM

And the world rejoices.

The End

Alanded
04/02/2005 6:51 AM


And the world rejoices.

The End



OOC: I feel irretrievably tainted.

eswiftfire
04/02/2005 6:54 AM

OOC: Me too.

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