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Benn-Salian
08/14/2003 9:15 AM

After a walk that seemed to take ages a lone gnome settled his belongings down along the road. The gnome was known as Detontrophe to his friends and “Hey you in the bushes” to everyone else. Detontrophe took a seat down on the rubble of rock that he found nearby. He leaned back enough to hear the popping of his neck and back as they cracked.

Pop, pop, pop, pop, clink.

The last sound was something metallic and perturbed the gnome since he couldn’t recall carrying anything that would have made such a sound. The inevitable search through his pockets revealed the source to be a metal flask filled with warqat, an alcoholic beverage favored by barbarians in Icereach. The gnome remembered that the flask was meant to be a gift for his friend, Ballsar Rockhard, a dwarf whose hormones spoke as loud as his battle ax.

The gnome remembered when he planed a surprise party for the dwarf’s birthday but forgot to invite Ballsar because he was afraid he might ruin the surprise for his friend. The next day the gnome heard rumors that Ballsar had left town with some gypsy elves heading towards Qualinesti. With a tear in his eye, the gnome left his other friends, Ai Mer Beech von Marderfarker and Samsterd Yummypu, and ventured off on his own to find his own elven maiden.

For some reason that expedition took him to Solace, a little town that common sense forgot. The whole village was built up in the branches of trees. Detontrophe blamed this on some hippy hobbits. It was there, however, that Detontrophe met a kender named Tasselhoff Burrfoot. Actually he met a few kender named Tasslehoff, but one in particular traded him a precious map. For the price of some broken glass that had been mistaken for jade, Detontrophe acquired a map that depicted most of Ansalon. For a gnome who could get lost in a phone booth (if he had known what a phone booth was) this was very valuable.

The very first thing that Detontrophe noted on that map was that Tarsis was depicted as a seaport. Last time the gnome had been through the city it was as void of water as his mother’s pot roast. In all the gnome’s life he couldn’t remember a time that a map lied to him and since Hiddukel didn’t compose the particular piece of parchment Detontrophe decided to trust the map. Perhaps the mayor of the fair city found a better way to irrigate the crops; this was a reasonable assessment since during the gnome’s last trip the villagers only spat at their produce during the growing season. Whatever the reason, it was not like the gnome to argue since where there was water; there were bikini-clad elves. Detontrophe hoped one or two of those elves were female.

So here Detontrophe found himself, just east of the Qualinesti forest and south of Pax Tharkas, on some broken stonework. The gnome adjusted the white and canary yellow robes that resembled those of the now infamous kingpriest of Istar. Poking through his belongings with the aid of his Glaive of Shortness the gnome decided he still had much to be thankful for. His chest seemed to expand with pride and boast of a new self respect for himself. What also seemed to expand was the gnome’s bladder. “It seems as though I should relieve myself of all this pent up urine,” Detontrophe said to himself.

Turning from his camp and traveling a safe distance, Detontrophe lifted his robe up so that he could grasp his gnomehood and aim it into a chasm in the rock. After several minutes had come to pass the gnome still continued to empty his bladder. He began to look around at his surroundings and noticed a few other chasms above the one he was using. “If I wasn’t mistaken, I’d say that those holes make this rock look like a giant skull,” remarked the oblivious gnome, “Wait a moment! It IS a giant skull and I’m…. peeing in its mouth!”

After running from the sight that would scared the piss out of him if he had any left, Detontrophe gathered his things and traveled as far south as he could to get away from Skullcap Mountain.

eswiftfire
08/14/2003 10:09 AM

OOC: Hah! You're back!

DarkDalamar20
08/14/2003 10:50 AM

OOC: Welcome back, Benn. Good to see you again. I assume this is the continuation of the epic story "Marderfarking Marderfarkers"? If so....


IC:

Ballsar Rockhard sat on a plush pillow in colors of silver and gold. He was in Qualinesti, among many beautiful elven virgins. Well, not virgins anymore, but they had been before Ballsar arrived.

The dwarf sighed. He was simply bored. He had banged every woman in Qualinesti about twenty times each, there was just no fun anymore. He laid with his head on the pillow and thought about the past. Without warning, thoughts of a gnome popped into his head. Detontrophe, Ballsar thought to himself. Those were the good old days. With another sigh, Ballsar reached under the pillow and removed a picture in an ornate frame.

The picture depicted Ballsar, Det, and Samsterd, all standing with their arms around each other's shoulders. Of course, Samsterd was held at arm's length, simply for the smell that came off of him. It was so bad, one could almost see the waves of stink in the picture. The smile on the trio's face almost brought a tear to Ballsar's eye.

Without another thought, Ballsar did a little more banging, then packed up his things and left Qualinesti. He thought he heard many male elven voices break into celebration. But, they must have just been trying to hide their pain from Ballsar's leaving.

The dwarf had his pack and axe strapped firmly to his back as he walked down the road. The future lay ahead, and Ballsar planned on some more adventure before he fathered anymore sexy bastard children with the various races on Krynn.

Straea
08/14/2003 11:18 AM

OOC: Hee hee...two story posts and this thing is funny already!

Benn-Salian
08/14/2003 11:24 AM

Walking through the Plains of Dust wasn't the easiest thing to do on a Sunday morning. "Kitaria uth Matar, now that was something easy to do anytime!" Detontrophe thought to himself. The gnome continued walking without another thought of the dragon highlord.

On the other side of a sand dune was the sounds of breathing. Detontrophe held his breath to make sure it wasn't his. After a blue face proved that it wasn't, the gnome looked over the dune to see who it actually was. What he saw was a tall Aurak Draconian. A black marking on the creature's chest revealed it to be in alliegence with the black dragon, Sable.

Suddenly the Aurak spotted the gnome and a sneer crossed his face. It became evident that the draconian had been dispatched specifically for the gnome's demise. Detontrophe started kicking sand down at the Aurak in an attempt to slow him down. The feeble attempt seemed to work once the draconian got sand in its eye and had to run over to a nearby oasis to wash it out.

When the Aurak began to return Detontrophe rummaged through his things and started to throw some of his discarded soda cans at the the draconian. Apartently in collaberation with the blustery winds and scorching heat of the Plains of Dust the impact of the Cherry 7up cans depleated the draconian of all its hit points and sent it into berserk mode.

The Aurak assassin went berserk and chased the little gnome up the dune with the aid of his wings. Detontrophe ran away forgetting most of his belongings behind as he took off. The draconian followed him until his eyes met with a small flash of light. The light had been reflected from Ballsar's flask. The Aurak opened the flask and dumped the warqat that was inside over his body before he once again took flight after the screaming gnome.

The heat found in the Plains of Dust ignited the warqat and the Aurak became a burning kamakazi of death heading towards the gnome. Detontrophe looked up in the sky and began to reminse about the time him, Ballsar and Samsterd watched the fireworks in Sanction. As if to put an exclaimation point on the gnome's memory the Aurak explode as its lifeline ended in midflight expelling colored light in all directions like a flare light. The light was so bright that it may have been seen in Qualinost.

Detontrophe looked at the sight dumbfoundedly. "The few, The proud, The blown to smithereens!"

DarkDalamar20
08/14/2003 12:54 PM

Ballsar saw a massive flash of light in the direction of the Plains of Dust. He put a hand to his ear, hoping to hear an explosion, but all he saw was the light. "What in Reorx's godly dwarven jockstrap was that?" Ballsar said to himself.

There was only one way to find out, and that was to travel to the Plains and investigate. With a flick of his wrists, Ballsar brought his fingers to his lips and whistled. A few moments went by, and suddenly a chocobo came running up to stand next to the dwarf. "What in the.....get the hell out of here!" He screamed and kicked at the feathered beast until it ran off. "Serves you right!" He yelled after the creature. It wasn't until the beast was out of site that Ballsar noticed that the thing had nicely pinched a loaf on his boot. "Son of a bitch....!"

Ballsar whistled again, this time even more minutes went by and suddenly a kender with a basket strapped to his back came running up huffing and puffing. "Where have you been!?!" the dwarf asked the kender while slapping him across the face.

"Well, you whistled, but I was...you know...orgasming like you taught me! You know, when you take that big rubber thing and shove it in your..."

"SHUT UP!" Ballsar screamed. "I don't want your excuses. Now bend down. I have to climb in!" After much huffing and puffing, Ballsar finally made it into the basket. The kender straightened with a grunt.

Now, it was well known that Ballsar hated kender. But, he had no qualms using them like animals. He took out a small whip (about the size of a #2 pencil) and smacked the kender on the back of the head. He then grabbed the kender's topknot and used it as reigns.

"To the Plains of Dust!" Ballsar snapped the whip again.

"Whoop whoop!" The kender trumpeted and started jogging in the direction of the explosion.

UndeadDragon
08/14/2003 1:37 PM

Stench wafted incessantly and caused a pukish-green cloud on a path leading to the Plains of Dust. In the midst of this cloud was a disfigured, gruesome kender, picking his nose while reading some kind of book.

All of a sudden, a kender, with a basket on it's back carrying a dwarf, came trampling along the path. The cloud ahead seemed unnatural, but completely harmless. Attempting to just run through it, the kender sped up and........ crashed into the cloud, bouncing off and causing the basketed dwarf to fly over it.

Smasterd stood within the cloud, noticing the occurence, and lazily waved his sticky hand. The cloud began to spread more in all directions, as if freed from a prison, and the stench engulfed the dwarf and slave kender.

Closing his book, Sam walked up to the dwarf and bent down until his face was near the other's.

"Ballsar!! It bloody is you!", Sam cried, covering Ballsar's face with his breath.

DarkDalamar20
08/14/2003 3:11 PM

After Ballsar had stood up and brushed himself off, it took him a moment to recognize the voice. "Oh, hell. That is the last time I let the kender drive himself. What were you thinking?" He turned to the kender and backhanded him, sending the sniveling thing flying to the ground. "Serves you right!" He yelled at the fallen creature.

The dwarf then turned to Samsterd, "Good to see you. But, what in Gilean's mothball eaten undergarments are you doing out here? No, don't explain. Please, just don't open your mouth!" Ballsar's stomach was still settling from a moment ago when the stinky kender had spoken.

"It makes no nevermind. I am on my way to investigate a strange light I saw awhile back. My mount here was taking me to the sight when appearantly he ran into you. That is the last time I take a nap while riding. But, I must get going. It was good seeing you. Take care and all that jazz. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out. Yadda yadda, blah blah...and...blah." Ballsar then kicked the kender until he regained his feet and climbed back into the basket. Before he left, he turned towards Samsterd one last time.

"Uh, you weren't by chance heading towards the light too, where you?" Ballsar hoped against hope against hope that Samsterd would say no. But, somehow the look on the smelly kender's face showed that he was in fact up to something.

Kitiara99
08/14/2003 5:47 PM

OOC: Hey DD/Benn/Undead.....are any new characters welcome? ;)

DarkDalamar20
08/14/2003 6:48 PM


OOC: Hey DD/Benn/Undead.....are any new characters welcome? ;)


OOC: I don't see why not. I would say yes, I don't think Benn would have a problem with it. If so, it's nothing that can't be smacked out of him.

eswiftfire
08/15/2003 12:34 AM

OOC: Hee hee hee, look out for some occasional cameos from yours truly. Of course, not Eliar yet (still 'dead'... or.. um.. trapped in Twilight Zone at FF2), but a certain pansy king will appear, of course.

Benn-Salian
08/15/2003 7:46 AM

OOC: New characters are always welcome! Kitiara99 would make a nice addition. Someone should convince Dogar_Setton to join as well. Eliar, Marderfarker should really be more than just a cameo, he was an... interesting... character to interact with the Greygem Trio.

BIC: Detontrophe sat up from the sand where he was sitting when he heard a noise. The sand where he had been sitting was real moist from the tears that it absorbed. If anyone were to ask, Detontrophe would say that he had no idea where they had came from.

As the gnome straightened himself up he looked to the west where he heard the noise. He could still here both an organized, patten of thumps alongside the haphazard thumps trailing it. "Reorx curse them, they sound like Zivilyn and Chislev doing the horizontal polka," the gnome noted.

Unfortunately, the gnome didn't see the two gods getting their freak on. When he looked over to the source of the noise he saw one kender pulling a rickshaw and another, more bulbous one being dragged by the axlebar. Pulling out his Glaive of Shortness, the gnome decided to confront these two trespassing dopes.

Charging full speed at the first kender Detontrophe lowered his glaive and skewered his opponent. The look on the face of his enemy and the smell of sweat filled the gnome with pride until he looked down at his hands. "Ah! Stinky kender blood! Off, Off, Off!" Detontrophe panicked as he let go of his glaive.

Detontrophe started to throw rocks at the shaft of his weapon in an attempt to knock it loose. It wasn't until a familiar voice called out to him that he stopped his antics. "What in Takhisis's water bra are you doing? Strike that, you just saved me the trouble later," Ballsar Rockhard asserted, "But what are you doing here gnome? Are you investigating the bright light?"

"Ballsar!" Detontrophe exclaimed, "I'm going to Tarsis to take a swim and then I'm going to buy a hotdog by the beach and then maybe I'll canoe..." the gnome trailed off when he was hit in the head by a rock thrown by Ballsar.

DarkDalamar20
08/15/2003 9:09 AM

The shock of seeing Det was almost more than Ballsar could stand. But, it wasn't long until Ballsar cause physical harm on the gnome to shut him up. He threw a rock which connected with Det in the forehead and knocked him backwards. Ballsar then turned to Samsterd who was lying on the ground with the gnome's glaive of shortness sticking out from his chest.

"Well, you are lucky!" Ballsar removed the glaive from the kender's body. Stuck on the end of the glaive was a now dead skunk. "You know, you might smell a little better if you didn't keep things like this down your shirt!" He then proceeded to smack the kender a few times, knocking some sense into him. Unfortunately, his hand came away covered in kender grease, something that made Ballsar lose his stomach and puke all over the sand.

"I swear, you two are nothing but a headache!" Ballsar raged. He noticed that Samsterd and Det just sat there with their chin in their hand while Ballsar stomped back and forth. "I mean, come on! I am boiking all the women I come across. And you had to pop into my head!" He pointed accusingly at Detontrophe. "And you....." he looked at Samsterd. "Why can't you wash yourself? Honestly! No one enjoys your stink or your kender grease!"

"And...and.......and.....Tarsis you said?" He looked at Det. "Well, I suppose that could be fun. I heard they have the most amazing surfing. And we all know, that dwarves are amazing surfers. Maybe we could even go on one of those paddle boats and catch fish and......Oh, sweet nipples of Zeboim. I am sounding like you now!" He slapped Det just for the hell of it.

"All right, all right. Lets get going!" Ballsar climbed back into the basket strapped on the kender's back. "You know, I heard you thinking in your head that this was a rickshaw, well it's not! Do I look CHINESE to you?!? Huh? No! I am a dwarf! A sexy one at that! So, you will get this right! This is my invention.I call it the..Butt Packer...I mean, I call it the...Backdoor Baggage." Ballsar finally sighed. "Fine, I call it the...Rear Rider."

"Come on you, Bastards!" Ballsar whipped the kender with his tiny whip and grabbed the topknot to stear. "Tarsis awaits!" He allowed both Samsterd and Det to grab onto the side of the basket. The ride was a leisurely one, until Det started asking Ballsar if he had missed him and if he truly, deep down, loved the gnome.

After that, the kender slave had it easier, only having to carry one person. Det and Samsterd came running behind the basket rubbing their cheeks where a red dwarven handprint stood out clearly.

Benn-Salian
08/15/2003 9:59 AM


Maybe we could even go on one of those paddle boats and catch fish and......

OOC: I see we haven't lost a step. Very, very funny. Just in case you don't know, Tarsis doesn't have any water - the map mentioned is the same one featured in Chronicles and predated the Cataclysm.

BIC: The trio started to take off in what appeared to be another set of adventures when the group stopped to pick up some of Detontrophe's things. Jumping out of his rear rider, Ballsar noticed something catching the light from the sun. Walking over to it, the dwarf picked up a metal flask that depicted a dwarf passed out on top of a pile of gold pieces with elven maidens tending to his needs while the drunken dwarf watched the Superbowl. "Det! What is this? Why do you have this in your possession?" Ballsar asked the gnome.

"Well, that was supposed to be your birthday present...that is when you had a birthday last," the gnome explained lowering his head and pushing sand with his left foot.

"Awe Det, you shouldn't have," The dwarf replied while a smile crossed his face.

Even Detontrophe lifted his face that was adorned with glee. A second later the metal flask wisked through the air connecting with Detontrophe's noggin. "Now you really shouldn't have! A flask without ale is like panties without a firm rump in 'em," the dwarf explain irritatedly.

DarkDalamar20
08/15/2003 11:44 AM


OOC: I see we haven't lost a step. Very, very funny. Just in case you don't know, Tarsis doesn't have any water - the map mentioned is the same one featured in Chronicles and predated the Cataclysm.


OOC: Yep. I know that. I just thought it would be funny if Graygem Trio didn't know that until they got there. Would add some more humor.

IC:

He watched the gnome fall under the force of the flying flask. "Now get moving!" He screamed. As Samsterd and Det walked off sulking, Ballsar commanded his kender to slow down so he could pick up the flask. With a smile, he dusted it off and placed it in one of his inner pockets.

"Damned, gnome..." Ballsar said to himself with a small smile. He then whipped his slave kender, "Tally-ho! Off to Tarsis we go!" The kender began to trot, easily catching up with Det and his stinky companion.

A few days later, they reached Tarsis....

UndeadDragon
08/15/2003 12:11 PM

Samsterd looked around the city, sniffing the air. The sniffing didnt help any, since his own stench would have covered any whiff of water. He lazily jogged around looking in all directions.

He then returned to Ballsar and Det and said, "Where the bloody hell is this bloody lake?? I was hoping to catch some fish in my pants!"

Kitiara99
08/15/2003 4:49 PM

A Qualinesti elf in stiletto boots and scanty leather clothing followed the trio from a distance. She was even free to eye the inhabitants of Tarsis, able to follow the wandering bachelor party by scent alone. Once they had stopped, Spankylathurasa, elven dominatrix, stepped out of the shadows.

"Ballsar, you scumbag!!" she cried in a disturbingly masculine baritone, "What did I tell you about running away??"

She pulled out one of several whips attached to her belt and cracked it menacingly.

DarkDalamar20
08/15/2003 6:04 PM


Ballsar, you scumbag!!" she cried in a disturbingly masculine baritone, "What did I tell you about running away??"

She pulled out one of several whips attached to her belt and cracked it menacingly.


Ballsar turned around in his basket and proceeded to scream like a little girl. The deep voice coming from the extremely sexy dominatrix was enough to make any man weep. When Spanky (as she liked to be called...'on the job') pulled out her whips, Ballsar orderd his mount to turn around and face...her. He cracked his kender whip which sounded more like a knuckle cracking than a whip.

"Some men have to go their one way! I was tired of not being able to sit down after a long night with you! Quit looking at me!" He screamed at Det and Samsterd who were giggling and pointing at the elven woman and then at Ballsar. He then turned back to the dominatrix, "Look, I'm kinda busy! I am going to ride bumper boats and paddle boats! I don't have time to have my ass whipped....literally! I said, SHUT UP you stupid gno..." Ballsar stopped suddenly and smiled.

"Spanky, this is my friend Detontrophe. He once told me that he liked to be tied up and spanked like a baby seal." The dwarf gave the women a little smile.

It was then that Samsterd said.....

He then returned to Ballsar and Det and said, "Where the bloody hell is this bloody lake?? I was hoping to catch some fish in my pants!"


Ballsar stood up in his basket and looked around in all directions. "Wait a second....where IS the water?" he yelled.

He saw boats, but they were rotting on sand and dirt. He saw docks, but they just pointed into the desert. "Oh come on!" He smacked his slave kender on the back of his head, "I wanted to do the paddle boats!! Where in Chaos's fuzzy no-nos is the water!?!"

Kitiara99
08/15/2003 6:18 PM


"Spanky, this is my friend Detontrophe. He once told me that he liked to be tied up and spanked like a baby seal." The dwarf gave the women a little smile.


"Really?" the elven woman exclaimed. "Oh, excellent. But really, Ballsar, you know how I hate it when you encroach on my posit...err, job." She flicked his kender whip out of his hand with a flick of her wrist. Just then Ballsar exclaimed...


"Wait a second....where IS the water?"



"Oh come on!" He smacked his slave kender on the back of his head, "I wanted to do the paddle boats!! Where in Chaos's fuzzy no-nos is the water!?!"


Funny... Spanky thought to herself. I always found Chaos rather prickly myself.... She saw Ballsar slap the kender, so she walked over to him, purring...

"Now, now, my little friend...aren't you sick of his wimpy little whip? Those uninspiring smacks?" she lowered her voice to a conspiratorial whisper, "And speaking of whimpy little...well, lets just say I can show you a lot better." The very womanly and well-endowed Spanky's voice dipped again into the disturbing baritone.

Benn-Salian
08/16/2003 7:00 AM


"Spanky, this is my friend Detontrophe. He once told me that he liked to be tied up and spanked like a baby seal." The dwarf gave the women a little smile.

Detontrophe looked up once he heard his name. Then genuine fear crept into his eyes as he heard the dwarf's declaration. "Ballsar...you know that ain't true. Because... because... Gnomes Do It On Top!" the gnome bellowed at the top of his lungs.

The gnome, feeling that his own declaration had offended the Qualinesti, walked over to her and smacked her on the rump. "It's not that I don't think you're pretty, mind you. I just don't need to be spacked and belittled all the time; I have Ballsar for that."

"Oh come on!" He smacked his slave kender on the back of his head, "I wanted to do the paddle boats!! Where in Chaos's fuzzy no-nos is the water!?!"

Detontrophe pulled out his map and looked at it suspiciously. With both of his feet planted firmly in the dry muck the gnome pointed a finger to the spot on the map where he was. "It says that right here we should be in the middle of the port. So that would mean... that... I'm drowning! Help! Help!" the little gnome screamed as the nonexistant waves took him under the nonexistant waters.

DarkDalamar20
08/16/2003 8:13 AM

Ballsar laughed outloud when Detontrophe smacked Spanky on the butt. The dwarf had tried that once.....once. He walked over to his slave kender and gently pulled him away from the dominatrix. "Uh, he is mine, thank you!" The kender stumbled from the weight of the basket on his back, but Ballsar managed to push him away.

"You can have that kender." Ballsar pointed to Samsterd who was, at the moment, filling his pants with sand and dirt.

Detontrophe picked that moment to cry out that he was drowning. Ballsar turned around and watched the gnome as he rolled on his back, kicking his legs and waving his arms. He even had his nose pinched as if that would save his life. The dwarf could only sigh.

"Slave Kender, go over and help the gnome up. Give him a couple kicks while you are at it." Ballsar commanded.

The slave kender walked over to the squirming gnome and bent over to tap him on the head. Unfortunately, Det was so sure that he was drowning, that he grappled onto the slave kender and pulled him down with him. "Help! We are drowning! I am dying!" Ballsar heard Det scream.

"H....H....H......HELP!" The slave kender screamed.

Ballsar dropped his head into his hands and shook his head. "You have to be kidding me."

Kitiara99
08/16/2003 9:36 AM


"Ballsar...you know that ain't true. Because... because... Gnomes Do It On Top!"


Spanky chuckled at this assertion. "Yep, that sounds like the gnomes I know." she commented, then added under her breath, "those little guys have a lot to compensate for."

After a moment of deep reflection, contemplation, and other things ending in -tion, Spanky was distracted by the screams of the "drowning" gnome and kender.

"That's an interesting fetish..." she remarked. "I haven't had any drownings in awhile...looks like fun!" She dove in beside them (her headfirst landing resulting in the worst headache she'd had since she got drunk with Ballsar). She flopped around in the dust, pausing only to hold Detonotrophe's head underwater and, ermm, "live up to her name."

Spanky looked up from her erotic drowning experience in mid-flop, and was immediately mesmerized. From a distance off, 5 or 6 bikini clad female lifeguards ran in slow motion, Baywatch-style, towards them. "By Sirrion's flaming loins, YES!!" she murmured in a deep masculine baritone. She reached for her belt, searching for her favorite whip....

When she looked up again, six half-drunken middle aged men stood nearby, observing the flopping trio. The smell they emitted rivalled that of Samsterd, and new emissions emerged noisely every few minutes. Spanky squinted, trying to find the bikini-clad females. What she saw was bikini-clad middle aged men. She immediately closed her eyes.

Benn-Salian
08/16/2003 7:19 PM

There they were. Our hero, Detontrophe and a kender who remained nameless were both facing the very real fact that one or both of them could be swallowed in the non-existant sea.

Then Detontrophe looked out accross the non-existant waves to see a floatation device. Or possibly a mirage - either way it was the two's only chance. Grabbing at the device with his little hands, Detrontrophe found it to be firm and very soft. "Wow! I could bounce a quarter off of this!" Detontrophe said being careful not to swallow to much non-existant water.

Pulling him and the kender to safety, Detontrophe made a discovery. The floatation device he had discovered was not the kind of life saver or life jacket that he may have been used to, but the Qualinesti's bum. "I still won't take back anything I said," the gnome resolved.

Turning toward his savior's direction, Detontrophe noticed a half a dozen bikini clad men run over. "Ballsar! It's Marderfarker! He's here to see you!"

eswiftfire
08/17/2003 9:52 AM


Turning toward his savior's direction, Detontrophe noticed a half a dozen bikini clad men run over. "Ballsar! It's Marderfarker! He's here to see you!"


"Er, no, I no fook my momma. Don't insult me. I sensitive man." The bikini-clad men answered, as he removed a King Ai Mer Beech von Marderfarker rubber mask from his face. "A king give me mask, so I wear it, make me look like king. But king is in Tarsis. Yes. He is shooting... shooting... what?"

=============================

(Meanwhile, at Tarsis)

"King Marderfarker. It is an honor to have you here in Tarsis for this interview of ours!!" The reporter bounced up and down happily on her chair.

The King merely removed his pink shades and winked at the girl, causing her to bounce up and down even more happily on her chair.

"Now, for the first question, King Marderfarker..." The girl began.

"Ah, dearie, please, just call me Ai Mer Beech."

"Okay, you're a bitch."

"No, Ai Mer Beech!"

"You're a bitch?"

"Ai Mer Beech!!"

"You're a bitch??"

"Ai Mer Beech!!!"

"Yes, I get the point already sir, so, your last film, 'Marderfarking Marderfarkers 2: The Legend Continues' had tanked in the box-office and was critically bashed! Do you have anything to say about this?"

"...call me King Marderfarker. And no, I have no comment. My film was a work of art, ART!!!! People may not understand it now, but they will in a couple of years! Hah!" The king hah'd.

"Okay. King Marderfarker. Your close friend, Eliar Swiftfire, had been strangely absent during the past few months, do you have anything to say about that?"

"I'm sorry, but things that happened in other threads have nothing to do with me." The king snorted.

"You were reportedly upset with the 'Future Fellowship 2' thread because Bardus Atthole and Lucas the caravan master of the Caravan of Death are in it while you weren't... and there were rumours of Schtolheim Reinbach making an appearance too..."

"Hah! Rumours! All of these! I care not what thread those people are in. I'm in this 'Dammed Beaches' thread and they aren't. That's ALL that matters!" King Marderfarker said.

"King Marderfarker, tell us more about this new film you're shooting." The girl asked.

"Oh, 'The Tarsis Marderfarker'? It's going to be a sweeeeeeet musical of looooooove and friendship!! In fact, if I'm not in Ansalon, I would've been making pop culture references like saying that this film has more gunfighting scenes than Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon and more martial arts scenes than Finding Nemo. Oh, and more horror scenes than Titanic too. But I'm in Ansalon, so I will not make any pop culture references. All I'm saying is that I'm going to bless everyone by breaking into some songs of my own!!!" The king grinned.

DarkDalamar20
08/17/2003 10:46 AM

Ballsar walked over and pushed the men out of his way as he walked towards a rather large building with a antenna coming out of the top. He put his ear to the door and listened momentarily. With a nod, he stepped back and ran full force into the wooden door, knocking it from it's frame.

He held up a finger to tell everyone outside that he would only be a minute, and stepped inside. Screams could be heard, both female and another one that was a little more male, but still highly female. A few moments went by, and Ballsar came out holding a gayly dressed male over his shoulders.

Once outside, he threw the figure onto the ground. After much squirming and womanly cursing, King Marderfarker stood up and adjusted his now broken pink sunglasses. To Ballsar's ear, he seemed to be squeeling like a pig. But, if he concentrated, he could tell that the King was screaming at him over something. Fortunately, Ballsar had a pair of Spanky's panties in each ear and was unable to hear him.

"Now, look who we have here." He looked over his shoulder at Detontrophe. "It's Marderfarker, Det." Unfortunately, the gnome hadn't heard him because he was still trying to get Spanky to give him mouth to mouth after his "drowning".

"So, Marderfarker. I noticed you were doing a little interview in there. And what caught my magnificent ears was something about you singing...someone's gotta stop that..." Ballsar reached in his back pocket and pulled out a jar of peanut butter. He then took a large spoonful and filled Marderfarker's mouth.

"There, that should keep you quiet for awhile!" The dwarf then walked back over to his Slave Kender and climbed into the basket. He looked down at Det, "It's your fault that we are here! I don't see any water. Where is the water, gnome?!? What are we supposed to do now?"

UndeadDragon
08/17/2003 6:18 PM

Meanwhile, Samsterd was happily splashing in the non-existant waters and holding out the front of his pants to catch some invisible fish. He eyed Spanky a few times, a little curious of what a nice beating from her might feel like. All that leather seemed quite appealing to the disgusting kender.

Giving up with the fish, Sam snapped his pants back to his waist and joined Ballsar. He had a slight bulge at the crotch of his pants.

eswiftfire
08/18/2003 8:27 AM


"So, Marderfarker. I noticed you were doing a little interview in there. And what caught my magnificent ears was something about you singing...someone's gotta stop that..." Ballsar reached in his back pocket and pulled out a jar of peanut butter. He then took a large spoonful and filled Marderfarker's mouth.


"MMHHMMH HMHMHMHMHMHMHMM MMHMHMHMHHMHMHMHMMH MMMHHHMHMHMHMH HMHMHMHMHMHM!!!!" Marderfarker let loose a string of swear words that would have left any grizzled mercenaries or even Eliar Swiftfire himself blushing, but since his mouth was filled with peanut butter, no one understood what the hell was he saying.

Straea
08/18/2003 12:10 PM

OOC: This is so funny! Eh, room for one more?

Benn-Salian
08/19/2003 9:34 AM

OOC: We have a few applications out, but sure feel free to join.

BIC: Allowing the Qualinesti to break rescuing protocol, Detontrophe gingerly removed himself from the non-existant waterfront.

"Now, look who we have here." He looked over his shoulder at Detontrophe. "It's Marderfarker, Det."

Stupid Flamboyant King, Detontrophe thought bitterly, Trying top steal Ballsar away from me again? Well I won't lt that happen. Not now that I found him once more. Not ever again.

"It's your fault that we are here! I don't see any water. Where is the water, gnome?!? What are we supposed to do now?"

"I hardly see how's my fault! I think we should blame the mayor of this town, he should be in charge of tourist destinations," the gnome rationalized,"Perhaps we should go talk to him."

So then The Greygem Trio followed by the Gay King, the Qualinesti dominatrix and the kender slave walked to town hall.

Straea
08/19/2003 11:45 AM

As the Greygem Trio was walking down the street to townhall, a kender came flying out of a nearby inn. Following the kender at a more sedate pace was a red-headed woman wearing a long black skirt and tight red top. And following behind her was the innkeeper.

"You and that blasted kender better stay out of here from now on," the innkeeper said sternly. "If I see you around here again, it'll be off to the jail wit th' both of ye."

Straea watched the innkeeper walk back inside and slam the door behind him. She shook her head, and helped the kender up. The kender, female from the obvious usage of pigtails, dusted herself off, and rearranged her pouches.

"That was rather rude of him, don't you think?" Talia Lightfoot aka Talia Burrfoot said, looking hurt.

"Rude or not, you shoudln't have tried to take his and everyone elses pouch," Straea admonished. She looked up from the kender and noticed the odd group walking past them. She almost let them pass without saying anything, when she noticed an extremely sexy dwarf with them.

"Ballsar Rockhard!" she exclaimed happily. Then she frowned. "Where's my red lacey bra?"

DarkDalamar20
08/19/2003 2:48 PM

Ballsar heard his name called by a womanly voice, which in itself wasn't that rare. Though, usually it came in the form of.."OH BALLSAR, OH YES! GIVE ME SOME OF THAT" etc and so forth. So, hearing the excited cry, Ballsar turned around with a charming smile.

"Holy blueberry pancakes!" Ballsar exclaimed. "Sadly, deary. I have no idea where you red lacy bra is. Last time I saw it, Det was using it for an experiment. Ah, I see you brought that....thing..." Ballsar plugged his nose while looking at the kender. "Those things are like rabbits....."

After Straea and the kender had joined them, the Graygem Trio continued to walk down the dusty road towards the city center. Ballsar soon grew sweaty and weary and called his Slave Kender up and climbed in the basket. Looking back, Ballsar noticed that Spanky had connected a leash around Samsterd's neck and was leading him like a dog. The dwarf remembered those days.

They reached City Hall where the mayor resided, and were quickly ushered inside by a rather large man wearing nothing but a frilly pink thong. "What in the hell?!?" Ballsar didn't want to look, but it was like trying to keep your eye off a two pound elephant. It just wasn't easy.

He caught Detontrophe as the gnome was about to run up and leave a red handmark on the big man's rear.

"In here!" The large man commanded and ushered the group into a large meeting room.

"Hear ye! Hear ye! All hail Mayor Ilika! Mayor Ilika will now hear and judge!" The fat man bellowed as they entered.

"Ilika......" Ballsar gulped and looked at Detontrophe as a black robed woman walked into the chamber.

Benn-Salian
08/20/2003 7:09 AM

Detontrophe glanced over to Ballsar with a look of perplexity. "They must have made her mayor since she knew the complete layout of the city," Detontrophe began, "Must be easy when you've been around the block a few times!"

The black robed mage, Ilika Mensmeat, manuvered herself in front of her two aquaintances. "Gnome, My Sugar Daddy, Nuitari, grants me the power to hear rude comments such as that," she explained.

The gnome shrugged his gnomish shoulders. He remembered that Ilika was a dear friend of Ballsar's when the three of them sought out the dwarf's elephant, Santa. He also remembered the trail she had left after she had parted ways with the then Greygem Duo. "Well, it's too bad Nuitari didn't give you an ailment for your genetal warts!" The gnome shot back.

The mage's face became angry and with a flick of her wrist she turned Detontrophe into ferret. "I'll have you know that I haven't had that since I gave it to some purple dragon!"

Samsterd broke his shackles to help his good friend. Detontrophe tried to run, but his even shorter legs could not take him away any sooner. Pulling out his magic book, Kender Magic for Dummies, he leafed through a few pages and spoke some magic words that were somewhat familiar. After a small poof, where Detontrophe had once stood as a ferret, now stood Detontrophe as a very ugly, red imp.

Detontrophe gave his kender friend a spectacular salute in the form of his middle finger. "I'll fix it, I'll fix it!" The kender pleaded.

Ballsar ran over to Samsterd grabbing the book and flipping to the end. The dwarf pointed to a spell that negated any other spell. Apparently the dwarf had use of that particular one. The kender began to breathe the words of magic

What's the possibility
That there is something wrong with me?
No one seems to have an answer
Wondering if it's prostate cancer.
I fark up all the time
Just to make this damn thing rhyme!

With a second poof, Detontrophe was returned to gnomish form. "What's the big idea! I could have..." Detontrophe began before Ilika cut him off.

"I would have turned you back eventually. You'ld make a poor father as a house pet. That right, Detontrophe SonOfTheGnomeWho-BlewUpNecropolis... whatever, you have left your seed somewhere," the mage finished with a smirk.

"If I had a piece of steel for every time someone accused me of having a child, well then, I may be able to pay for all of the child support, wouldn't I?" The gnome shot at Ilika, "Nevermind all that. Tell us where the beachfront is!"

Kitiara99
08/20/2003 8:35 AM

Spanky slouched in disappointment. She'd had the perfect ferret sized leash!

Spanky glared at Samsterd sternly. "Breaking a perfectly good pair of shackles? Tut, tut." she tut, tut'ed. "You remind me of the good old days, with Ballsar...beneath the trees of Qualinesti..." *cue romantic violin music* "attached to the trees of Qualinesti..." she broke off suddenly and gave Ballsar an icy look.

"Anyway, smelly little kender, back on the leash you go!" she announced gleefully. Then she paused to study the black robed mage. Then she paused for a little longer. Then she surpassed what could rightfully be called a "pause" and wandered purposefully into the realm of wide, open-eyed, checking-out.

DarkDalamar20
08/20/2003 9:13 AM

When Samsterd had turned Det into an imp, Ballsar had almost pulled out his axe and killed the thing. Fortunately, he had the mind to remember that it was just the gnome, and the kender had farked up again. The dwarf let out a string of curses, ones that would burn the ears of anyone, only he had a lifesaver candy in his mouth, so it came out more like: "Youf marther farking icehole! Farking shyte. I don half the farking time to farking lookf afters you alls the farking time. Fark me! Can'th you dooth a farking thingth righth? Fark!"

Once Ballsar had finished his string of curses, he turned back to Ilika Mensmeat. It had been a long time since he had seen the women. Ilika had been a former lover of Ballsar, like Spanky, and others before her. Sadly, a vicious strain of genital herpes had split them up and sent them in different directions. Fortunately, Ballsar with some creams and a little kender magic, as well as his dwarven toughness was able to beat the nut warts.

Thankfully, Ilika was taking much of her frustration out on Detontrophe. When the kender magic was all said and done, Ballsar turned to Ilika with a charming smile on his face.

"Darling!! It is soo good to see you. You have no idea how worried I have been. Last time I saw you, you were walking away scratching your crotch.. I mean, you looked lovely...."

"Shut up, Ballsar, love! I don't want to hear any of your excuses. You are just lucky that my....illness passed." She eyed the dwarf viciously.

"Yes...well. I do apologize for that. I know our paths have brought us back together. But, I will leave with my friends just as soon as I find out where the water has gone. Tarsis is supposed to be a bustling sea town. What with bumper boats and slip-n-slides...."

"Are you seriously that stupid?!?! There has been no water here since the cataclysm. You know, 'the oceans receeded and mountains rose...blah blah'! If you read a book once in awhile--"

"I read books!"

"Pentdwarf and Female dwarf love magazines aren't books!!"

"Well, all the same..."

"Listen! The water is gone. Simple as that. Just like my love for you!" Ilika finished with a scream.

Ballsar was speechless. She didn't love him anymore? How was that possible? All women loved him. Even if they hated him, deep down they loved him. The words crushed Ballsar, he knees gave out, his dwarfhood shriveled, and he fell to the ground, quite out of it.

The last thing he saw was Spanky "curiously" eying Ilika, and then all went black.

Kitiara99
08/20/2003 9:37 AM

Spank tore her eyes away from Ilika for long enough to take advantage of the situation. After a few moments of "rummaging," she located Ballsar's kender whip and began beating the unconscious dwarf vigourously.

Until the whip snapped in half, that is.

Benn-Salian
08/20/2003 10:18 AM

Ballsar was down for the count. He lay there motionless from the shock of Ilika's words. The water that normally could be found in any dwarven bosy was evaporating fast. Ballsar continued to breathe, but when he did exhale dust came out his nose, his lip became cracked and even hte twinkle in his left eye was gone. "This dwarf needs water! Samsterd go fetch me some hydrogen 2 oxygen." the gnome ordered.

Samsterd ran off as fast as he could until he reached the end of Spanky's chain and was yanked back. Detontrophe turned to Ballsar's kender slave. "Slave, go get some water for him," the gnome asked.

The kender pointed down to ankle shackle that tied him to the rear rider. Marderfarker ran towards his dwarven friend. "Oh no, not this time Marderfarker. No home remedies today," the gnome insisted,"Kender No. 3, if we went out on a date, I mean please get Ballsar water, please," the gnome pleaded.

Straea
08/20/2003 11:03 AM


Kender No. 3, if we went out on a date, I mean please get Ballsar water, please," the gnome pleaded.


Talia looked at Detonthrophe in shock.
"Me?" she squeeked out.

"No, he meant the other kender running around here," Straea said, rolling her eyes. "Go get some water, even if it wasn't you he was talking to."

Talia looked up at Straea and shook her head.
"I can't go anywhere, not without you," she said. "Nobody will give me anything."

Straea looked at her kender sternly as she knelt beside Ballsar. Picking his head up and placing it in her lap she told the kender, "Look, I don't care where or how you get it, just go and get it!"

The kender lass nodded her head and ran out of the building, down the street, and to a nearby horse trough. She pulled out a cup from one of her pouches, filled it with water, and ran back to the town hall.

"Here it is! I've got it!" she shouted as she splashed water on both Straea and Ballsar. "Ooops."

UndeadDragon
08/20/2003 1:05 PM


Samsterd ran off as fast as he could until he reached the end of Spanky's chain and was yanked back.


Samsterd tried to run off again, only to be yanked back. He tried several more times, then decided to run a different direction. That didnt work, so he began to run in circles around Spanky, causing the chain to tighten around her. He kept running until he was practically a part of Spanky, him being so close to her. And since he was so close, his stench was also.

The rancid fumes floated into Spanky's nostrils.

Kitiara99
08/20/2003 2:47 PM

Spanky gagged. Then she tried to hold her breath to avoid the stench. It didn't work, since Samsterd's scent was so all-pervasive it crept in through her ears.

She fell to the floor, writhing in agony from the brutal assualt on her scent glands. She pulled out a whip and started thrashing the kender to get him away from her, but unfortunately, this had the opposite effect.

"BALLSAR!!!!" she shrieked "Get him away from me or I'll tell them all the truth about your...." she was cut off by an involuntary fit of gagging as Samsterd wriggled ever closer.

DarkDalamar20
08/20/2003 3:11 PM

Ballsar felt water fall on him from somewhere in his nightmare. It was cold and refreshing. Ballsar awoke with his mouth around one of Straea's nipples. "Uh.......oops.." he blushed as he stood up quickly.

It was then that he saw Samsterd laying down his stink on Spanky. Being of the receiving end of that stank many times, Ballsar had to help the dominatrix. She was not only a past lover, but she was the one who had given him the scars on his buttcheeks. Scars that he would never forget. The dwarf reached into one of his many pockets and pulled out a clothespin. After a deep breath, he dove into the cloud of funk.

The stink had become so bad by that point, that the green fog obscured the trio as they pushed, pulled, and shoved inside. The rest of the group lucky enough to be outside the cloud could only look on in horror.

"Ow! Don't touch me there! Samsterd! Damnit......ughhh....I told you not to do that........Oh, sorry Spanky. You know I can't see those things in here. My hands just found them....oww, you don't have to whip me! I'm saving you! No, you move that way....over there. Shut up, kender. Reorx! You smell, Samsterd. Whoa! Don't put that there, Spanky! Maybe later......"

Finally, Samsterd went flying backwards and the cloud disapated around Ballsar and Spanky, both of whom were gagging and dry heaving. When the sickness had passed, Ballsar stood up straight and walked over to Ilika Mensmeat.

"Ok, I will accept your feelings. But, if there is no water here. We can't stay. I can't give you the loving that you need..." He stroked her hair.

"No! Don't speak!" Ballsar put a finger over her lips just as she opened her mouth. "I understand. We will move on. See new things, do new people! Consider me just a distant memory!" The dwarf then planted a big sloppy kiss on Ilika's lush lips and sauntered off. He would leave her with a wetness that only his dwarfhood could sedate.

"C'mon! If I can't do any bumper boats here. We are going to bloody well go somewhere where I can!" Ballsar left city hall.

UndeadDragon
08/20/2003 5:51 PM

Samsterd happily followed Ballsar out of the building, no longer tethered since the chain broke somewhere during the commotion. He felt unusually relieved, being that he had never been so close to a living female. Of course he didnt realize that there was a very large stain at the front of his pants.

"Hey, uh, Ballsar, where do you reckon that we bloody are going?", the kender asked the dwarf.

DarkDalamar20
08/21/2003 3:29 PM

Ballsar shrugged his sexy shoulders. "I have no blooming idea. I was just hoping to get some booty when I saw an explosion in the Plains. It was then that the little gnome got me all excited about water slides and bumber boats." He looked accusingly at Detontrophe.

"But, speaking of booty......" He turned and winked at Spanky and Straea. "Have you two ever heard of the...manajerie de twat?...I think that's what it's callled....." Ballsar thought for a moment then shrugged and winked at the two again.

Benn-Salian
08/22/2003 8:12 AM

"Balsar!" Detontrophe excaimed to get the dwarf's attention, "It's not my fault you couldn't find water, even the kender found some. But then again a kender could find steel even in my pockets! Maybe we could just..."

The gnome looked around at his comrads, looking until his eyes fell upon Talia. He wandered up to her and snatched her hoopak and held it backwards so that he held the two short ends and the third end jutted out in front of him. "Now we can find water!"

The gnome held out the hoopak and began walking south. After a long time and quite some distance without Marderfarker complaining about Spanky hitting him or Samsterd asking "are we there yet?" the gnome turned around to Ballsar. "There, we have water. It's just... frozen. Let's go for a polar bear dive."

"Gnome! Do you have any idea where you have brought us?" Ballsar demanded.

"No, I don't have an offspring!" Detontrophe snapped from out of the blue.

"Flying Blue Balls Cock-Onion Shinare! You have no sense of direction or sanity. We're all the way down to Icereach, you farking icehole!"

Kitiara99
08/22/2003 10:23 AM

The companions were able to travel...


a long time and quite some distance without Marderfarker complaining about Spanky hitting him


...for good reason. For Spanky had found more interesting adventures. Raised in the sheltered world of Qualinesti, where the slender elves have no booty to speak of, she had been easily distracted by the larger-hipped, (rather overweight) middle-aged women of Tarsis. She'd managed to get separated from everyone else after following a pair of housewives down an alley, whip in hand.

The police of Tarsis spent the next several weeks hunting down the elusive assailant that plagued their city.

UndeadDragon
08/22/2003 12:21 PM

Samsterd yelled, "Water!", and dived headfirst into the ice, not noticing it was frozen. His face smacked hard against the frozen water with a loud crunch and a crack ran along it.

DarkDalamar20
08/22/2003 1:36 PM

Ballsar looked around himself while shivering uncontrollably. His ample ballsac was drawn up into his body. The dwarf figured that was the only warm thing on his body at the moment.

"Only Det could bring us to some place that is this cold! My nipples are like icecicles!" Ballsar bellowed, steam coming from his mouth. He would hear none of the gnome's apologies. Sure, he had brought them to water. But, it was frozen and hard. Just like Ilika's heart. The thought of his former lover sent a tear sliding down Ballsar's cheek. It was so cold out however, that the tear froze halfway down his cheek. Ballsar cracked it off and looked at it..."Heh, looks like a penis!" He proceeded to show everyone.

It was then that Samsterd decided to dive head first into the ice, cracking it. Ballsar was amazed that the kender's face wasn't broken and bloodied. But appearently the kender's stink had protected him from the hit.

Ballsar could only gasp cold air as the crack spread across the ice. "This can't be good..." He said to himself. Suddenly a huge rift opened up under the adventurers and they were dumped into a large underground cave made of rock and ice.

"Who goes there!?!" A deep voice bellowed. And suddenly the group was surrounded by dozens of Thanoi. The walrus men were large and smelled fish. Just like some past loves..., Ballsar thought to himself. The Thanoi held crude spears pointed at the companions. They heaved and grunted, sounding as if they were in a b-rated porno.

The leader of the Thanoi stepped through the large smelly creatures. Ballsar thought they were saved. For, the figure walking through the walrus-men was another dwarf. Those thoughts were quickly pushed away as Ballsar noticed that the dwarf was a Theiwar.

"Dark Dwarf!!!" Ballsar spat.

The other dwarf simply shrugged his shoulders. "Yes, I am a dark dwarf. I chose to live among these smelly buggers than live among the oppressive Hylar. The name's, Hairdy Ballshack. Take them to the prison!"

The Thanoi took them to a room without a door and ushered all of them inside. "How are you supposed to hold us in here? There's no door!" He heard Det laugh a little.

One of the large Thanoi's then lifted the gnome up and reached inside his mouth and pulled out his tongue. He then pushed the gnome against the icy wall where Det's tongue stuck firmly to the ice. "Ohth..." He heard the gnome exclaim.

The Thanoi proceeded to stick the rest of the companions to the wall, each of them with their tongues stuck firmly to the ice.

"Welth...ainth thith a bith!" Ballsar mumbled to himself. "Farthing bathdad dethonthaphe! Ith donth knowth whath Ith gonath doa with youth...farth..."

UndeadDragon
08/23/2003 6:14 AM

Luckily for Samsterd, his stench soon melted the ice near his tongue after the Thanoi had left. He then reached into his pack and pulled the everfamous book Kender Magic for Dummies and flipped through it. The others groaned at the sight.

Sam then stopped at a page and smiled very toothily (or toothless). The kender stood up and dusted off his hands and said:

"Make the walls of ice,
Where the walrusmen arent very nice,
Become as hot as the insides of my granny's thighs!"

The walls turned burning red for an instant, then back to ice. Those who were stuck to the wall fell backwards, rubbing their tongues.

Benn-Salian
08/26/2003 7:47 PM

"Blah blah blah," Detontrophe exclaimed as he swatted at his tongue, "That even tasted like your granny's thighs!"

One of the fish-smelling thanoi ran over to the cell and peered inside. "What you doing little ones? You can't leave, lest make Ballshack mad," the thanoi grumbled.

"You don't understand! We're not suppose to be in here!" Detontrophe declared.

"An' why shouldn't you?" the thanoi asked.

"Because I know the Kingpriest Song!" responded the gnome allowing his robes to display the canary yellow letterings.

The thanoi shrugged the revelation off since he had not heard of any kingpriest in all his years in Icereach. "Also," the gnome looked around in desperation and grabbing Samsterd at the last moment, "this little one is one of your own. He is a baby thanoi that we have been raising out of the kindness of our hearts."

eswiftfire
08/27/2003 8:37 AM

Meanwhile, King Ai Mer Beech stood alone in some random shop in the town, sulking.

"This whole 'flamboyant' schtick I'm having right now is getting old. It's getting stale. It's time for a makeover... I'm tired of being regarded as a fag." The King said to himself. "But what am I going to do? Angst as much as Schtolheim Reinbach? Be a total evil badass like Lucas the Caravan Master? There's nothing I can do... DOOOOOO!! I'm as pathetic as a washed up singer who once called himself the 'King of Pop' while making loud wails as he grabbed his crotch!"

DarkDalamar20
08/27/2003 3:01 PM

Ballsar shook his head at Det's mention of the Kingpriest song. It had worked once, or twice, but against these stinky bastards, he didn't think it would work. When the gnome mentioned Samsterd being one of the Thanoi's children. The fish smelling creature immediatly came over and wrapped the stinky kender in a bear hug.

"Oh, my little Susan! Where you been all my life?! Daddy's been so scared!"

UndeadDragon
08/27/2003 3:15 PM

Samsterd gasped for air as the life was being squeezed out of him. He lazily wriggled, trying to escape. The Thanoi hadn't been in any water recently, so it's skin was pretty dry and he could not slip out.

In a raspy voice, Sam yelled silently,"Guys... help...!"

A part of the kender wondered why the walrus-thing wasn't affected by his stench.

Benn-Salian
08/28/2003 8:43 AM

Samsterd was taken away from the cell by the very large thanoi guard and never return. After several hours passed Detontrophe turned to Ballsar, "Let's wait just a few more minutes," he said to the dwarf.

Ballsar smacked the gnome in the back of the head as a reward for the comment. "Gnome, you know that kender does more damage when we're away than either of us can," The dwarf reminded his gnomish comrade, "We need to find that sorry excuse for Chemosh's doorstopper before he gets away from that fish-eater."

Detontrophe reluctantly left with the dwarf before reassuring the rest of the other people in their company that they would return soon. Ballsar made his way up a hill when he heard the gnome call from behind him, "Hey Ballsar look! I wrote my name in the snow, except when I crossed the 't' I got some on my robes."

Ballsar shook his head and made some comment about how the gnome couldn't spell very well anyways. Detontrophe zipped up his fly and picked up his pace to catch up with the dwarf.

~Meanwhile~

Samsterd Yummypu was taken away with the thanoi guard who wasn’t affected by his stench and even seemed to like it. He was taken many leagues over frozen tundra and frost bitten waters. He was taken to the Ice Castle, which served as the quarters of the Frost King, king of this part of Icereach.

Samsterd sat in the top of the ice tower playing with Barbie dolls. He held Ken in his right hand and Skipper in the left. "Hey Skipper, do you want to grab a pizza and come over to my house to have sex?" the kender ventriloquisted for Ken, "What?!?! You don't like pizza?"

He then proceeded to have Skipper slap Ken in the face. Samsterd dropped both of the dolls and with a humpf of discontent dropped his head. "I still can't close the deal."

Benn-Salian
08/30/2003 10:10 AM

Ballsar and Detontrophe followed the thanoi's tracks for hours, checking every few moments to see if they were warm. Detontrophe eventually found some brown snow that was really warm, but never mind that.

At one moment's notice the two friends heard a loud battle cy coming from the south of the tundra. The gnome recognized it to be a lone ogre with a wicked battle axe. The ogre took chase after the two short heroes. Detontrophe led himself and the dwarf into a cave whose enterance was not big enough for the attacker.

Some exploration of the cave revealed it to have a wooden fence to the backside that was knotted with holes. "Hey gnome? Do you hear that?" Ballsar asked his comrade.

Detontrophe listened carefully and he heard a chant, very low from behind the fence. It sounded like a chorus of "one"s. Detontrophe looked near the fense and peered into one of the holes. Something poked him in the eye. The chant got louder, "two, two, two..."

"Lad! What have you gone and done? Did you get a splinter in your eye?" Ballsr demanded.

The dwarf proceeded to walk over to the hole and he recieved the same result. The chant began again, "More than two, more than two, more than two..."

The two friends looked at one another and breathed a single word between them. Gully dwarves.

Benn-Salian
09/01/2003 7:15 PM

Samsterd became incredibily impatient as he sat on the goose feather mattress that was in the corner of the room he occupied. The kender began scratching his hindquarters and once he had finished he put his finger under his nose. It created a smell that even the kender had to make a face at.

"Renda questa merda commestibile!" the kender exclaimed as he watchedthe substance on his fingers become fudge icecream.

The kender ate very happily until there was a knock on the door. "Who is it?" he asked the sound.

"It is I, Slate-fin Big-farker, your highness," the sound came from behind the wooden door, "I am suppose to tell you that magic doesn't work here in the Ice Tower.

eswiftfire
09/02/2003 6:52 PM

Poosee, self-proclaimed queen of the gully dwarves, emerged before the dwarf and the gnome, grinning as she stroked her pussy... cat.

"Who are you. I'm Miss Poosee, you looking for something?" The gully dwarf asked.

The other gully dwarves continued their chant. "More than two, more than two, more than two..."

So loud they were getting that Poosee's pussy cat roared loudly. "SHUT THE HELL UP, DAMN IT!!!"

"Your pussy can speak!" Ballsar pointed.

"No. Hers doesn't." The pussy cat replied.

DarkDalamar20
09/11/2003 4:36 PM

Ballsar almost cried. And, not just a simple weeping of a man who stubbed his rather sexy toes. But, a deep tear-filled cry that would wrack every nerve in his body. A cry that would send him falling into an uncontrollable descent of depression and loss of man-hood.

It was then that the dwarf remembered he was a the Dwarf of Dwarves. He didn't just break down and cry. He was was strong, willful, and above all, very sexy. He sucked in his ample gut, reached down and tightened his "Big Meat Below" belt buckle and turned towards the sound of the smelly creatures.

Ballsar hated Gully Dwarves as much as kender. They were devious, smelly, obnoxious, and all around a walking compost pile. The chanting continued to rise higher and higher in volume. Pretty soon the ice that surrounded the dwarf and gnome began to shake and rumble.

It wasn't until appearantly one of the gully dwarves broke wind that the chanting turned into a gale of laughter and giggles. Ballsar and Det rolled their eyes and shook their heads as a rabble of the stinking figures came running out from behind the door. They ran around the two screaming and crying and plugging their noses. Appearantly the passer of the gas had laid down a good one.

"Woosha woosha cubbles ron dubbles!!" A gully dwarf yelled as he stopped in front of Ballsar and Det.

"Huh?" The dwarf looked confused.

"He said, 'Don't you like my bologna'!!" Det translated.

"You speak 'gully'? I didn't know that."

"You didn't know a lot of things!" Det answered.

"Like what?" Ballsar inquired.

"Well, like the fact that I'm gay!"

"You aren't gay! I don't know how many women I have seen you with!" Ballsar raged, completely forgetting the gully dwarves and smaking the gnome on the head.

"I'm not gay?" Det rubbed his head from the smack. "Phew, I feel much better then!"

"For cryin' out loud......" Ballsar shook his head.

"Shooga pattootales maga tin shizta!" another Gully dwarf went running by. Somehow his breeches were on fire, and he did not think to roll on the ground to put it out.

"Great genital blisters of Ionthas......" Ballsar muttered. "I don't even want to know what that one was saying...."

UndeadDragon
09/11/2003 6:43 PM


"It is I, Slate-fin Big-farker, your highness," the sound came from behind the wooden door, "I am suppose to tell you that magic doesn't work here in the Ice Tower.


Samsterd stared at his finger, at the very spot where his poo had been. He stared for long moments, soaking in what had just happened. He began to feel faint.

It wasn't ice cream...

Well, it didn't taste that bad. Oh well.

"Wait a minute!" Sam said aloud. "Did he just call me 'your highness'?!"

Benn-Salian
09/13/2003 10:28 AM

Slate-fin Big-farker left Samsterd in the top of the tower and traveled into the hearing room of the very impressive Ice Castle. He walked in with his head held low. "Sir, the princess seems to be very happy in your capable hands. Is there anything else you request of me?"

In front of the large thanoi sat a regal figure. The figure was a slight, squat figure dressed in the finest clothes this side of Tarsis. On all his fingers were ruby-encrusted rings. The figure rose up and spoke to the thanoi with deliberation and assertion, "Thanoi! In the under caverns of our castle are the gully dwarf populations as you are aware."

"Yes sire," Slate-fin answered, "but what concern are they to us?"

The royal figure snapped at him, "Don't interrupt thanoi! These gully dwarves are keeping the most interesting company. A Ballsar Rockhard and a Detontrophe..." he trailed off relishing the names.

"But King Gilthan... that is the name of-" the thanoi began astonished.

Gilthan quickly interrupted him, "I know. It is the name of my father."

Dogar_Setton
09/14/2003 2:20 PM

OOC: Hey! Benn. You're a hard man to get hold of... hotmail keeps telling me that you don't exist, but me and my buddy Eustace the camel know that isn't true. Hey Eustace! ( pats empty air space affectionately)

Anyhoo, I'd like to jump in and join up as the Dark dwarf char you were telling me about, but I'm not sure who I should be... were you talking about the Hairdy ballshack guy? Or do you have something else in mind? anyhoo get back to me, because apparently the gods of the internet let me hear from you without granting me the ability to send any communication back your way...

and Yes, I will delete this once I am un-befuddled. :D

Benn-Salian
09/14/2003 5:16 PM

OOC:
I will introduce the character for you, of course i want you to make the character yours. I liked most of the ideas you had before, especially his suffering from ED.

BIC:
Samsterd Yummypu slept uneasily in the goose feather mattress. His dreams were filled with his images of Ballsar, Detontrophe and Angelina Jolene. The latter further prolonging his erection. When he awoke during the middle of a particular dream involving chocolate, he became seriously lonely and yerned for the companionship of his friends.

The smelly kender manuevered over to the door and called for his guard, Slate-fin. "Sir... I must use the water closet, could you please escort me?"

The door creaked as it opened and the large thanoi stood on the other side. "Follow me, your highness."

"Why do you keep calling me that?" Samsterd asked his guard.

"That is the title constituted by your rank as baroness of Iglooheim," Slate-fin answered.

Once Samsterd got to the Little Kender's Room he locked the door and opened his book on top of one of the urinals. He leafed through his book ferverously until he found what he was looking for. He sat in the middle of the floor in the lotus position and chanted the names of mages long dead. The kender rocked back and forth as he weaved the magic in this desolate castle made of ice.

His magical intentions soon took form as two shapes materialized before him. A dwarf and an eggplant. Samsterd stood up and looked at the two beings. Samsterd grabbed the eggplant and broke it between his hands and flushed it down the one toilet. "That was a bad version of Det."

Samsterd then focused on the dwarf. He stood about the same height and was as stocky as Ballsar, but something was different. This dwarf had paler skin and larger eyes than Ballsar. Then it hit the kender. An idea, not the dwarf. This dwarf was one of the Dewar, one of the exiled dark dwarves clans. "Good evening sir, what's your name?" Samsterd asked the dewar.

Dogar_Setton
09/16/2003 9:16 AM

The Dwarf stepped forward from the darkened corner of the water closet, wringing his gnarly hands. The light from the nearby window fell fully upon him... then changed it's mind and shone on something else. This dwarf was ugly. And not " ugly like my junior prom date was ugly", nor even "ugly like that acid-scarred guy who rents 'tatooed biker grannies gone nasty' on a weekly basis ugly" No, he was much worse. His liver-spotted hands crawled endlessly and randomly over each other like fat, blind virgin slugs. His yellow teeth were crooked and looked to be coated in that "morning-after-huge-drunk" skiz that people sometimes get. His hunched posture was so bad that he was often mistaken for a retching cat. His hair was wispy and arranged in a bad comb-over, his ears were sprouting wiry pube-like hairs, and his black trousers were hitched up to his saggy nipples. An astute observer may also have noticed that the dwarfs craggy face was an exact replica of Fistandantilus' craggy ass, right down to the scraggly brown beard beard that dangled from his chin. But Samsterd was not what one would call an 'astute observer' so we can't be sure whether he noticed this or not.


"Good evening sir, what's your name?" Samsterd asked the dewar.


The Dewar made a face like a patient of "Edward W. Scissorhands, Proctologist" (it was later revealed to have been a 'grin') and reached a hand out to the Kender. "Nice to meet you friend. Madong Kantstahnd."

Samsterd winced. "I'm sorry to hear that. My Uncle once had that as well... I think seal fat soup can cure that up." Samsterd recoiled at the proffered hand. "It's not contagious, is it?"

Madongs watery eyes squinted at the kender for a moment or two, then he promptly yanked the strap of his "tighty- once-whiteys" upward and pointed to a smattering of letters his mother had sewn there.

"Oh! Sorry. Samsterd Yummypu." The kender grabbed the dwarfs hand.

Madong bobbed his head, then sniffed the residue that the kenders handshake had left on his sleeve. "Yes, I'm sure that he did... Now tell me young, kender. Where am I? Why am i not urinating on myself in some Thorbardin bar? And where in the world is Carmen SanDiego?"

UndeadDragon
09/16/2003 12:18 PM

Samsterd could not believe that there was some one out there uglier than him. The kender was gruesome, but the dwarf... there was no word to describe how ugly he was. So Sam made up one: 'hidiougroogly'.

He also noticed that his stench did not phase Madong in any way. The kender was quite impressed. Few could withstand it for so long.



"Yes, I'm sure that he did... Now tell me young, kender. Where am I? Why am i not urinating on myself in some Thorbardin bar? And where in the world is Carmen SanDiego?"


"I summoned you! With my magic! I had intended to bring my good friends Ballsar and Detontrophe, but I got you and an eggplant. I don't exactly know why I got an eggplant instead... Well... it kinda resembled the gnome..." He looked the Dewar up and down again, scrunching up his face. "And you are the complete opposite of Ballsar. Yikes. You are hidiougroogly. No offense."

Dogar_Setton
09/18/2003 4:40 PM


Yikes. You are hidiougroogly. No offense."


Madong smiled vacantly at the kender while his twisted little black brain thought up enjoyable ways to slaughter this dirty tormenter, not even blinking when a cockroach clambered across his pale fish-eyes. After a long and uncomfortable moment of this disconcerting stare, Madongs glazed gaze shifted from the kenders snot-encrusted top lip to a point over Samsterds shoulder. He screamed and dropped to the floor like a bag of second-hand condoms.

" BY SARGONNAS SWOLLEN SPHINCTERS! Watch Out!!!!"

After bellowing this cryptic message, Madong shivered on the floor like a dog shitting herring bones and extended his arm like a quivery, hairy-palmed sign-post to point to the corner of the room. "Don't let it near me!" he sobbed, wiping his eyes with his pocket hanky (once his favourite pair of britches, up until last weeks disentgration).

Samsterd looked up from exploring his various orifices to see what had freaked out the pervy looking dwarf. He saw a pair of jugs standing side by side on a marble column ( fancy bathrooms in these Thanoi ice castles). "Don't let what near you? THe jugs?"

"YES! (sob, sob) The.. Jugs?" The Dewar clambered to his feet and out of the puddle of thanoi urine he had unfortunately squatted in. "Oh! Oh thank Evilness!" The dwarf shuffled closer to Samsterd. " I Thought they were.." He looked cautiously to the right, to the left, he looked up, down, then, after 'movin it all aroun' he leaned in close and hissed through his yellow British peasant teeth "...Breasstsss.."

"You're afraid of breasts?" Samsterd asked skeptically, or he would have, if he had known what 'skeptically' meant.

"Well.. umm.. you see... It's a long-story and... there's some scarring involved and...." The Dwarfs lower lip began to quiver like an electrocuted worm. " I can't talk about it now. I need some Ice Cream and a Bon Jovi record!"

Sobbing the dwarf rushed out the bathroom door, where he came face to crotch with Slate-fin.

"Um.. hellooo."

Benn-Salian
09/18/2003 7:41 PM

Slate-fin Big-farker looked down at this new visitor to the castle. "Um...I wouldn't suppose that..." the large thanoi began before a pause, "...you've been the one that was defiling the highness of her pureness and good morals."

Madong just looked up at the large creature still awe struck that he had been there the whole time. The thanoi then crossed his arms across his chest that appeared the he had already answered that question in his own mind. He looked down at the dewar, with a stern look. "I believe this means that we will be having a wedding at first's thaw."

...

Ballsar and Detontrophe realized how long it was since they first entered the cavern of gully. Ballsar turned to the gnome, "Gnome! Why are we still here? Why haven't we left this cavern the way that we came in?"

Detontrophe shrugged and made his way to the mouth of the cavern. A few minutes later he came running back panicked. "Ogre still there?" Ballsar asked.

The gnome shook his head in agreement. Ballsar became irrate and started kicking some of the closer gully dwarves. then he kicked some who were moderatly close. Then he kicked Detontrophe. Then he appologized to Det, rationalizing that he had looked like a gully dwarf at the time. Ballsar the screamed some obscenities, "Flying blue balls, cock-onion jesus... fark, asp, coont Kiri-Jolith... why can't we get out of here?"

At that statement one of the gully dwarves wandered a little too close to the dwarf. "Scuz me sir, that cause you no try elevator yet."

UndeadDragon
09/18/2003 9:36 PM


"I believe this means that we will be having a wedding at first's thaw."


"... A wedding? What? I... but..." Samsterd couldn't think of any reason why there shouldn't be a wedding. He was a princess after all.

"Wait... how can I be a princess...?"

The kender looked down his pants, then stuck his hand in them. His eyebrows constricted in thought, until he at last found it.

He looked at Slate-fin, then dropped his pants.

"Would a princess have one of these?!"

Benn-Salian
09/19/2003 10:34 AM

Slate-fin looked down as the kender pulled something ou of his pants. He smiled. "Do not be concerned, your highness, it is concidered attractive for a young lady like you to have such lovely blubber, even if creates flabs," the thanoi explained.

Then the thanoi grabbed Madong by the scruff of his neck and held the dewar to his feet. "Now I suggest that you tell King Gilthan your intentions pertaining to the lovely princess."

...

Ballsar and Detontrophe looked at the elevator in astonishment. There really was one just like the gully dwarf had said. Ballsar looked at the elevator and then at Detontrophe. Then he looked at the elevator and then at Detontrophe. Then he looked at the elevator, snuck a glance around to see if any gully dwarves had dared venture farther, and then at Detontrophe.

"Let's get going before the gnome who created this shows up," Ballsar replied focusing on his gnomish friend.

A look of insult crossed Detontrophe's face. "Yeah, well let's get going before the dwarf who made this rock shows up!" he snapped back.

Dogar_Setton
09/22/2003 10:41 AM



Then the thanoi grabbed Madong by the scruff of his neck and held the dewar to his feet. "Now I suggest that you tell King Gilthan your intentions pertaining to the lovely princess."



Madong glared back at samsterd as he swung down the hallway hanging from the thanoi's poorly manicured fist. Thoughts ran through his head like quith-pa ran through a minotaurs bowels. "Intentions..... Princess....King Gilthan.... Lovely?" The Dwarves eyes widened like two pee-holes in the snow and his pants sagged slightly; They expected him to marry that unhygenic little imp!

"Hey!" The Dewar cried, kicking futilely at the Thanoi's blubbery shins. "I can't marry that stink factory! It's against the laws of Nature... and... Dwarfdom." Madong turned a sickly grin upwards.

"Bah!" Slate-fin raised a whiskery eyebrow. "Is whale-shit! You stumpy buggers shag anything!"

"But I couldn't even if I wanted to! Didn't you see that kender? He had a -"

"COCK! Coocckkk!" A Thanoi in a chefs hat dashed out of a side corridor. "Slate-fin! Did you see a rooster? He ran out this way, and I need to catch him for King Gilthans supper!"

"No, friend Flat-toe. All I see is ugly dwarf." The Thanoi shook Madong in demonstration. "Now, ugly short man, what were you saying?"

The Dewar spit on the icy floor." I said, your beloved "princess" seems to have a-"

DONG! DONG! DONG! A thanoi in ceremonial uniform struck a gong three times as Slate-fin turned down the Royal Hallway. He saluted the Hall guard swiftly, slapping himself in the head with the dwarf as he did so.

"Dwarf should have warned Slate-fin!" The thanoi cried, rubbing his head. "Stupid dwarf head hurt handsome thanoi face! Never mind, we are here! You go tell king!"

"But wait! That 'princess' has a-"

Slate-fin kicked open the doors of the royal chamber, and ceremonially booted Madong towards the Kings throne. Madong hit the icy floor head-on, then turned to glare at the Thanoi in the doorway.

"...prick!"


OOC: Sorry it took me so long to post, but I spent the majority of this weekend either basking in disease at home, or hunched over at the hospital emergency room. Not fun. I'll try to keep up from now on, though.

Benn-Salian
09/22/2003 3:06 PM

OCC:
No worries, friend dewar, we have always taken things in stride and we will continue as such.

BIC:
Ding! The elevator rose to its highest climax and allowed its doors to open. Before the dwarf and gnome was a large conferance hall that was characterized by the frozen air. At the far end of the room sat a regal figure. The figure was a slight, squat figure dressed in the finest clothes this side of Tarsis. On all his fingers were ruby-encrusted rings that sparkled like dew. "Ahem!" commanded the royal king, "Ahem.... By Chislev's overgrown bush, I never have someone around to introduce me when it's neccesary!"

Ballsar and Detontrophe exchanged glances. The king continued, "I am King Gilthan, Speaker of the Penguin here in Iglooheim. I have summoned the two of you with just cause. I have reason to believe the you gentlemen should know something about my parentage, especially if you are half of it."

Ballsar grinned a large dwarven grin that coincided with a large dwarven chuckle. "Well lad, I'm afraid that remembering your mother will be as hard as remembering a kender in a jail cell."

Gilthan appeared irritated, "I am not conferring with you dwarf, I am referring to the great Detontrophe."

To this day, no one is sure which of the Greygem trio members was more shocked by this comment, but most people agree it was Samsterd. Detontrophe took a step forward, shuffling his feet as he approached. "There is only one possibility that I am your father and that would be Karyna. The beautiful elven maiden from Marderfarker's castle. The one thing I can remember most of all was how easy it was to bounce a piece of steel off her gorgeous behind..." the gnome rambled through his memories.

"This is an outrage!" King Gilthan, Speaker of the Penguin, insisted, "Why that is the exact same thing that everyone who knew my mother has told me!"

Just then one of the doors opened abruptly revealing Slate-fin Big-farker. "Sire! I have the utmost important news and to tell it is this dewar."

DarkDalamar20
09/24/2003 11:33 AM

OOC: VERY VERY VERRRRRRRRRRY funny guys. I apologize but I am not going to have time to keep up with this. I'm sorry, Benny. I thought I would have more time, but it would seem that I won't. But, you guys are keeping this story running very nicely.

Dogar, it is nice to see you in the story. Your posts are very amusing. I couldn't stop laughing at the latest story twists. Haha, your character is so disgusting it is hysterical.

Undead, Samsterd Yummypu is one of the funniest characters I have ever read about.

Benn, feel free to work Ballsar out any way you see fit. You seem to be handling it easy though.

Great job, guys.

Benn-Salian
09/28/2003 12:47 PM

Slate-fin dragged the dewar into the room against Madong's will. "Tell your majesty your intentions," the thanoi addressed the dwarf.

Madong crossed his arms across his chest and refused. Slate-fin glared at the dewar and awaited him to oblige. This did not occur at all. The dewar was steadfast in his determination. "Alright then, have it your way," the thanoi allowed, "My Majesty, Speaker of the Penguin, I speak to you with a heavy heart. You're dearest, royal daughter, Susan ber Iglooheim, has decided to wed herself to this young peasant."

Hearing his psuedo name, Samsterd entered the hall and peered uneasily in. He saw Ballsar and Detontrophe, and they saw him. Apparently, money exchanged hands between the dwarf and gnome. Detontrophe snickered and tucked the steel into his pouches.

Ballsar grumbed something. "What's that you say?" Detontrophe asked.

"I said it wasn't like he couldn't wait until after Yule, if he had you'd be giving me the money."

"But I bet before Yule, so you paid up," the gnome pointed out with a smirk.

Dogar_Setton
09/28/2003 2:12 PM

OOC:... what the hell happened to my post? o:o:o:o:o:o:o:o:o:o:o!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:):):):):):)!!!!!!!!!!!

I mean.... What's up, Dal ( Manly hand grasp) :D

OOC2: whoops! seems I posted a litte to late. I'll try to fix it...


BIC:

"Alright then, have it your way," the thanoi allowed, "My Majesty, Speaker of the Penguin, I speak to you with a heavy heart. You're dearest, royal daughter, Susan ber Iglooheim, has decided to wed herself to this young peasant..."

Madong glared at Slate-fin as he crawled off the icy floor, his nose hairs bristling in indignation. " Okay fine, If its REeeeallllllyy so important, I can do it myself.... but really now, you greasy mound of stupid, you could be a little less theatrical."

"Sook." The Thanoi mumbled.

"Drama queen." The Dewar shot back. Turning to the throne he heaved a mighty sigh ( tactfully covering up an untimely fart) and addressed the King. "Your highness-"

" Your Supreme and Icy Fishiness!" Slate-fin barked from his position in the corner.

The Dewar grimaced and rolled his eyes, an action that caused several nearby courtiers to vomit in disgust at his ugliness, and left one unfortunate guardsmen with a life-long phobia of facial expressions.

"Fine then, Your Supreme and Icy Fishiness, I have been forcefully compelled to come before you and proclaim my intentions toward marrying your...dau....d....daughter.." The dwarf paused to wipe his brow. "Which is really a bad idea, seeing as that kendery-looking 'daughter' seems to have a-"

Madong stopped and peered intently to the corner, where Detontrophe and Ballsar were standing in unnaturally provocative poses and making eyes at a Thanoi handmaiden. "Ballsar!?" he hissed, accidentally spitting on the royal carpet.

The sexy dwarf looked at his gruesome opposite, then nodded.

Madong took a step closer. "Ballsar Rockhard, of West Thorbardin?"

Ballsar nodded again, then puffed out his chest to show everyone that he was famous.

Madongs wormy lips twisted into around the words. "Ballsar Lubricatus deRaktum Rockhard?"

Ballsar nodded once more, then backhanded Detontrophe, who was snickering and muttering "Lubricatus deRacktum" to himself.

"I knew it was you!" Screamed Madong, even though he probably didn't. "I've been looking for you for many long years, Rockhard, and now I can finally exact the vengeance I swore when you ruined my life at the Autumn Dwarven Machismo Fest!!" With a girlish scream, Madong drew his unecessarily long dagger and launched himself at Ballsar.

The Dwarven chick magnet's first thought was, " Even though elven chicks have a sufficient level of kinkiness, the DO suffer from a distressing lack of bootay."

His second, more coherent thought was, "That loony Dewar's going for my crotch."


edit- that should do it.

UndeadDragon
09/29/2003 5:51 PM

Samsterd made a slow motion, Matrix-like dive to intercept Madong. Slowy floating in between the manly dwarf and the hidiougroogly dwarf, time seemed to slow down in a dramatic way. Snot sluggishly drooled from his nostrils, whipping on his face. His mouth dramatically opened and let out a very low-pitched "NOOOOOOOOO...!!" as he flew to the rescue. His eyes were wide with terror and worry for Ballsar's life. Sam's arms were outstreched, in order to increase his overall body length. He could not let his friend be harmed by this monster.

With a sickening thud, the kender landed face down approximately one foot from where he jumped.

Dogar_Setton
10/01/2003 6:08 PM

The dewar ran towards his mortal enemy, brandishing his overly-long dagger with a fervour usually reserved for his midnight handshakes. He howled a Dewarian war cry as he thundered across the room.

" IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGOOONNAAAAAKKKIIIIKKKYERAAAASSSS!!!!!"

Madong kept running, swinging his dagger slightly lower. He sucked in a deep breath for another war scream.

"YOOUURRRRMMMOOOMMAASSSSAAAAASKKKKAAAAANNKKK!!!!!!


The magnificently ugly Dewar stumbled slightly and dropped his blade. He turned to pick it up, then stood leaning slightly to one side, gasping like a drunken fish. His scraggly beard dripped grease and sweat down onto his Adams apple, which looked as if it were breakdancing. By Mishakals Milky Mammaries, this room was bigger than it looked. The dewar croaked out what may or may not have been another war cry. " Just....gasp.... just give me a...gasp.... me a minute, by's. I'll....cough.. I'll just rest here a spell."

At that very moment, Samsterd plummeted to the floor next to Madong like a asteroid from the Stench Nebula. The Dark dwarf looked at Ballsar, gasped like a fish, looked at the unconcious kender, wiped sweat from his brow, armpits and crotch, looked back at Ballsar and, with a shrug and a gasp of breath collapsed on Samsterds stinky, yet comfortable form.

Benn-Salian
10/02/2003 9:16 AM

The dark dwarf dewar and the smelly-ass kender lay on top of each other before Ballsar and Detontrophe. The two of them looked quite comfortable and content in the way that they had laid together. Detontrophe searched through his pouches and pulled out his camera and took several pictures from several unflattering angles.

"I demand that those negatives be produced to me here in the Hall of the Penguin," King Gilthan declared, "not that I want to see them or anything - I just want to protect the reputation of princess Susan ber Iglooheim. Yeah, that's it."

Detontrophe looked at the king for quite a while, sizing the royal figure up. Eventually the gnome spoke up, "Boy, you better get your sick, perverted ass to your room before I decide to take my belt off!"

King Gilthan looked as if he was going to say something, but a raised eyebrow from the gnome made him decide to hop off his throne and return to his quarters.

The thanoi, Slate-fin Big-farker, fell in line next to the gnome and fell to his knees worshipping under the gnome. Detontrophe looked witha content smirk over to his dwarven friend. Ballsar stood there with his arms crossed and stared cooly in return.

"What?" Detontrophe inquired.

UndeadDragon
10/08/2003 5:55 PM

Samsterd awoke to the sight of the deformed mass of a dewar lieing near his genital area. The dewar being so close caused this area to tingle, being ignored for so long. Images flooded the kender's brain and a very small lump appeared in his pants. Sam sat up and held Madong in his arms.

I think I am in love...

The kender put his hands on the sides of Madong's gruesome face, looked into the molded eye lids of the dewar, and puckered his lips. Sam bent his face closer, and planted a big kiss on the dewar's crusty lips.

He then looked up, his lips covered with bits of the dewer's crust, and announced loudly, "I, Susan ber Iglooheim, wish to marry this hidiougroogly Dewar, Madong Kantstahnd!"

Samsterd then proceeded to stand up and take off his clothes. He danced around in the nude joyfully.

eswiftfire
10/08/2003 9:29 PM

Eliar Swiftfire, the original one, not the unbalanced younger version of him who is currently in Future Fellowship 2, appears with a POOF!

And was knocked down by the nude dancing kender.

Dogar_Setton
10/10/2003 11:47 AM

Madong twisted and turned in stench-induced unconciousness on the smelly kenders lap. He dreamed as he lay there - not his usual dreams of dwarven women laughing while the flowers in his garden wilted, but a different dream, a strange new dream...

Madong was walking through a warm, rolling green meadow, dotted with garbage-flowers and wiry black bushes. Off to the left he saw his most hated foe, the phantasmagorically alluring Ballsar Rockhard, covered in a roiling mass of rabid harp seals. Madong grinned and took up a jaunty gait; he was liking this dream. Farther on he spied Rockhards friend and eggplant impersonator, Detontrophe, was it?, with the king of Iglooheim over his knee, vigourously walloping the kings reddened arse with something labelled " The Dried Salmon of Youngster Whooping + 3". The gnome took a short break from his homo-erotic child beating to smile and wave at Madong. The Dewar smiled. Soon he came to Slate-fin, whom he promptly and gleefully slogged in the groin, then tweaked his silly whiskers, just fo kicks.

Presently his adventures through Happy Dreamland was making him weary and he lay on the stinking grass to rest and watch the shapes in the clouds. He listed them off in his mind as the floated by ; a train entering a tunnel, a hot dog being placed in a bun, Raistlin Majere chasing Dalamar Argent. Before he could decipher the meanings of these surely portentious signs, two garbage flowers sprang from the ground and clutched onto his face. In a moment he felt a poke in the back of his head as a young oak pushed itself upwards. The oak continued to grow to a mighty size, carrying Madong ever upwards towards the sun, which had lately grown a gap-toothed mouth and a pair of cracked, puckering lips. He heard voices rush at him out of the winds.

"I....Sus...."
" heim....marry..."
" rougoogly.....Madong..."

TUNK!

The gruesome Dewar awoke with a start as his head smacked the floor. He looked around him with wide, bloodshot eyes. "I jsut had the most wondrous dream, dear friends! And you were there, and you were there, and you-"

Madong was cut short as a piece of unwashed kender crotch pranced by and slapped him in the nose.

Wordlessly, he rushed to the royal throne ( which, judging by the aura of green steam and the kings lack of pants, also doubled as a the royal latrine), pushed the bewildered Gilthas away in mid-poop, and began retching noisily.

Benn-Salian
10/10/2003 12:25 PM

Ballsar Rockhard had seen plenty of shenanigans in his days with the Graygem Trio. He had seen Detontrophe molest a pirate, Samsterd putting the moves on Det's mother, minotaur breasts and more Marderfarker remedies than he'd like to remember.

But there were lines. The dwarf knew that somewhere this had gone way to far. As patriarch of this band of never-do-wells, it was his responsibility to correct the situation. "That's it you fark-ups! All off you stand in a line, I have to talk to every single one of you!" Ballsar yelled at the others.

And they did line up and Ballsar confronted eack one individually.

"Samsterd! Before you get pants on, which you should do soon, I want you to look down. You see that? That makes you a male. Not necessarily a man, but male, nonetheless. That means you can only marry him in another plane known as Vermont!"

"You, Dewar, I don't like you. I don't know why - but something tells me I don't. It may be the burrito I ate this morning, but even if, I'd rather listen to a bad burrito than you."

"Det, that king over there is your son. Now you have two options. Be a real man and live up to your responsibilty and take him out to a baseball game or take him to a Aerosmith concert and find him a new mother."

"Eliar, I'm sorry that you've been caught up in all of this. How is my good friend Marderfarker? I haven't heard from him since he sent me those pictures. By the way, tell him to stop sending me those."

"Slate-fin Big-farker, don't you have any common sense to stop this tomfoolery before it resulted in marriage? I don't think you do. Judging by the fish smell I think you were practicing some tomfoolery of your own."

"King Gilthan....please direct me to the quarters of the closest royal beauty. I am Ballsar Rockhard and I deserve better than this!"

eswiftfire
10/10/2003 10:55 PM


"Eliar, I'm sorry that you've been caught up in all of this. How is my good friend Marderfarker? I haven't heard from him since he sent me those pictures. By the way, tell him to stop sending me those."


The spiky-haired mage scratched his head. "Ah well, I'm just doing a cameo. Marderfarker should be around, although I haven't seen him since my tragic death in Future Fellowship 2. I shall disappear with a POOF! and see whether Marderfarker will appear in the next post. Yay."

He disappeared with a POOF!

Benn-Salian
10/15/2003 12:43 PM

Samsterd reveled in the words of the gruff, dwarven patriarch. He was quite upset that he could not have his way with the one being that might understand the way it was like to be well... hidiougroogly, to put it in it's textbook definition.

Not only was this kender known as, or at least mistaken for, Susan ber Iglooheim, but Samsterd was also one of the leading mages in kender magic. Why should his accomplishments hinder him from being happy? The kender realized that they shouldn't, so he went to work reciting a few words to magic.

"gusnek kusyr pytjihm yasser arafat..."

Ballsar's eyes grew wide as he heard the smelly kender begin his magic. He had known from experience that nothing good ever came from it. He turned around frantically to stop the kender, but was only able to witness the concluding words and then the room went dark.

...

When everyone came back to their senses, they found themselves in a bar, The Periwinkle Pony. Ballsar found himself drinking with his former aquantance, Dougan Redhammer.

Samsterd, Detontrophe and an imp that was named Spot V was sitting at the bar laughing at a joke the gnome was telling about the cleric and mage.

Across the room, Betsy, a minitaur whom the graygem trio had met in Istar, was fighting with the dwarf/minitaur half breed Ghengis Minitaur.

Also thrown about were other people who had connections with the graygem trio; Par-Salian, Justarius, Raistlin Majere, Palin Majere, Astinus, King Gilthan and a certain purple dragon named Barneylithatalus.

Ballsar looked around the room and realized that he had known all of these people, even if he wasn't on the best of terms with them. He seemed at ease, finally the kender used his magic for a party, which was productive concidering the alternatives. The dwarf was going to over to the kender and tel him about the good work he had done when he heard a revelation from the gnome.

"So Samsterd, when is the stripper coming to this Brachelor Party of yours?"

Ballsar had been to enough bachelor parties to know that some of them ended in a marriage. Ballsar had always left these box socials before things ever got that far and he was determined to do so again. "That's it you blasted kender!" Ballsar declared, "I have no idea what's going on here, but I'm not going to stick around to figure it out."

The dwarf then left room, after he grabbed his ale of course.

Benn-Salian
10/20/2003 11:33 AM

Samsterd looked insulted at the dwarf's words and began to cry on Detontrophe's shoulder. The gnome began to feel uncomfortable when the kender's greasy tears bled through his kingpriestish robes. "Ahem, Sam..." Detontrophe tried to garner the kender's attention, "Samsterd, I don't mean to be gully in the mud, but this is dry clean only."

Samsterd pushed off the gnome and he stared at the whole room of his bestest friends. "Why can't you guys see that I'm hidiougroogly?" the kender replied during his weeping fits, "but even despite that I'm happy. I'm happy being hidiougroogly, as long as I have someone to be hidiougroogly with!"

Everyone bowed their heads out of shame, except Dougan Redhammer, who bowed his head out of pure drunkenness. "I'm not going to demand that your presence be in account at my wedding," Samsterd continued after a sniffle or two, "but I'd like to think I could depend on your blessings."

With that the kender began to mutter underneath his breath. He muttered words of pain with words of magic. The world around all the companions in the room slowly shimmered and metaformed into a completely different room. When the walls seemed complacent in the form that they were in, anyone could look around and see that they stood in the middle of a Temple of Mishakal that was decorated with yellow and pink bows in the fashion of a wedding ceremony.

Detontrophe looked down and saw that he was dressed in a tuxedo and saw that to his left stood Betsy the minotaur and the imp, Spot V, also in tuxedos. To his immediate right he saw Samsterd in a matching tuxedo, but he noticed that Sam's was much more expensive. Accross the way he saw a similar formation of people in lavender dresses. The gnome's shalafi, the elf named Damien, the blackrobed mage, Ilika, and Santa, Ballsar's long-lost elephant, all stood with a grin plastered on their faces all watching as two people came down a carpet trail that seperated two sets of pews.

The two figures walking down the aisle were King Ai Mer Beech Von Marderfarker who was gaily throwing peach colored flowers in all directions and to his right a short minotaur named Ghengis Minitaur (the minotaur had a bit too much dwarven blood in him). Ghengis carried with him a pillow with two rings on it.

Holy Branchala and his forsaken testicle! Detontrophe realized, Samsterd's actually putting on a wedding... and he's made me his best man. That was really nice of him - especially since Ballsar's not here. Both Marderfarker and Ghengis made in to front of the altar and presented the best wishes and took their places. Then the music of the "Wedding March" picked up and everyone turned to see Madong, the dark dwarf enter on the arm of Slate-fin Big-farker. The large thanoi had a huge grin on his face as he carried the dark dwarf on his arm all the way down the aisle. Detontrophe remembered thinking how relatively beautiful Madong looked in his pearly white dress, but he was sure that was Samsterd telling him to think as such.

When Madong reached the altar, Slate-fin took his seat in one of the pews next to King Gilthan. Madong and Samsterd gave eack other a knowing look and turned to face the preacher, who turned out to be Dougan Redhammer. What makes him qualified to speak at a wedding in front of the disciples of Reorx? the gnome angerly wondered.

The ceremony was beautiful. A few laughs were had when Madong and Samsterd exchanged flatulence simultaneously, but no one was hurt - save the imp. The ceremony almost came to a finish...

"I do." Samsterd replied.

"Ditto," Madong muttered and then he saw everyone giving him an eye, "I mean I do too."

Dougan Redhammer then exchanged his glance with the all the witnesses in attendance. He saw Par-Salian, Ladonna and Justarius from the Tower of High Sorcery. He saw Raistlin Majere and Lady Crysania sitting together. He saw Palin and Dalamar who had been muttering the vows to themselves. Dougan also saw Astinus writting in his book and Bertem crying his eyes out to the historian's disapproval. The priest, Dogan Redhammer, took a deep breath before he continued with the ceremony.

"If there is anyone in attendance, with reasonable doubt, who believe that this couple should not be wed, speak now, or forever hold your peace...."

UndeadDragon
10/20/2003 12:52 PM

Ballsar burst through the large temple doors, his face burning with rage. His fists clenched as he yelled, "I object!"

His pace was strong and quick, and he soon came face to face with Samsterd. "Listen here, you faggotey, disgusting, poor excuse for a hidiougroogly kender! You will NOT be marrying this foul retch of a Dewar! I have had enough of all this homosexualness! Marderfarker himself has never stooped this low!"

At the mention of Ai Mer Beech, Ballsar proceeded to walk over to the fruity king and slapped him. "You were probably the one who taught Sam your fruity ways!"

The sexy, straight dwarf then walked over to Madong and punched him flat in the nose.

Benn-Salian
10/20/2003 3:04 PM

Detontrophe shook his head. The gnome loved the dwarf like a father - but this was becoming tiresome. Detontrophe left his prestigous position as best man and moved over to the dwarf who was yelling at Samsterd, the dewar laying close by.

"Ballsar, calm down. Wasn't it Reorx's son who died for all of our sins - most of all the kender's?" Detontrophe tried to reason.

Ballsar turned his aggression onto the gnome. "Where in Ionthas's sink socks did you get that from? You're confusing our lord father with another god from mythology."

Detontrophe dropped his head as the realization of his folly struck him worse than Ballsar hitting Madong in the nose.

Dogar_Setton
10/20/2003 5:35 PM

Madong plummeted to the floor in a shower of blood and dislodged nose hairs, snuffling a snotty crimson wad unto his new veil. Sure the veil was made of kleenex and maxi pads, like all traditional dwarven wedding dresses, but still, he was pissed! Madong didn't know why, he didn't know how but for some reason he was now looking forward to this wedding. I mean, it's not like he liked that slimy little pile of moose excrement, or that he... voted Liberal... but well, he had his red-rimmed eye on a little bungalow on Holechisel street and, DAMMIT!, married "couples" got some mighty fine tax breaks.

The Hidiougroogly Dewar pulled himself up by a small pale rope that was hanging down near him, then abruptly let go as the rope stiffened up and he heard Dougan emit a sastified groan. Wiping his hands off in Detontrophes robes ( who rubbed back unnervingly), Madong spun to face Ballsar, his face as burning red as the ass of a goblin who uses low-quality toilet paper.

"Listen here, pretty boy!" he yelled, waggling a hairy and thoroughly chewed finger in the face of that Dwarfiest of Dwarves, Ballsar Rockhard. "I may not be young, I may not be pretty and I may not be entirely free of genital growths, but I know what I want!" He swung around to point at Samsterd, who was vigorously exploring his various orifices. "And that, ugh.... interesting and... striking young hidiougroogly kender is what I, by Takhisis' Teflon Titty Tassles, is what I want! And not you, nor you, nor you- what the hell are you doing?"

Dougan Redhammer looked up from behind the the altar, where he was busily molesting a gnome in a schoolboy uniform. Seeing the sea of eyes staring at him he shrugged. "Must be the costume." He said pointing at the black priests uniform he was wearing.

Madong turned back to the stanky kender wearing a patchwork tux and hoisted him up onto his shoulder. "That's it my..uh.. precious... we're going to the only place in the world that'll readily respect our Hidiougroogly rights. To the hill Dwarf settlement of Mainebardin!!!!"

The gruesomely hideous dwarf with the violently disgusting kender on his shoulder grabbed a rope and leaped out into empty space with a cry of "Hidriougroogly rights!!" Unfortunately the rope was once again Dougans wang, and the three tumbled down into a heap of shocked onlookers, poorly cooked party foods, and Santa's droppings.

Benn-Salian
10/23/2003 7:29 AM

Ballsar was distraught at all shenanigans that were taking place at what should have been a very serious event. He watched as the two self-proclaimed hidriougrooglites picked themselves up from the floor and jumped in Ballsar's rear-rider that had a sign marked with the phrase "Just Married." Behind the rear-rider were a half dozen glass flasks tied somewhere underneath that would drag the flasks behind the couple making enough noise to wake Chemosh.

The dawrf shook his head. A small, almost undetectable, chuckle came out. "They never cease to surprise us, eh Det? I don't think they'll ever learn," Ballsar remarked nonchalantly

"Learn, Ballsar? I don't think they need to learn anything; it's you that has to learn something," Detontrophe declared as he walked away from the presence of the dwarf.

"Det, Wait! That's not what I meant!" the dwarf called out after his comrade, "Gnome! Don't commit this folly and come back here so that I can berate you publicly right now!"

"please?"

eswiftfire
11/10/2003 8:38 PM

"Why is everybody so quiet?" King Ai Mer Beech von Marderfarker burst into tears.

eswiftfire
01/06/2004 6:24 AM

"Oh well, guess I'll have to do something then," Eliar said.

OOC: Will post more later. No way I'm going to let some thread with me in it abandoned like that. My principle, never let some thread I'm involved in die off for no reason at all.

Aeramae
01/08/2004 8:52 AM

OOC: If you need help, let me know. I'll bring in Straea for you. :D

eswiftfire
01/08/2004 9:09 AM

OOC: Hehe, I need help. Thread Enders need to be resurrected.

UndeadDragon
01/08/2004 9:59 AM

OOC: I am definitely not abandoning this thread... ^^

eswiftfire
01/09/2004 8:04 AM

"Oh well, the wedding has ended. Time for us Thread Enders Inc. to make a return!!!!" Eliar roared, clapping his hands twice.

The sky was suddenly covered by dark clouds. Lightning flashed. Lotsa cheesy B-movie effects happened.

Aeramae
01/09/2004 9:42 PM

A large shower of glitter came raining down from the sky as Straea appeared on the scene. She appeared to be very intoxicated.
"What -hic- ish going on here?" she slurred.

Benn-Salian
01/11/2004 11:03 PM

OOC: This thread isn't abandoned. It's down - I admit. I've been away and I can't for the life of me think of an appropriate ending. I will finish it in one of my fantastic-make-up-a-theme-at-the-last-moment-kinda-way. Just give me time Eliar. I shall be returning officially at the end of the month when I return for spring semester.

eswiftfire
01/12/2004 12:59 AM

OOC: Oh. Good luck then.

Benn-Salian
01/12/2004 10:46 PM


"Det, Wait! That's not what I meant!" the dwarf called out after his comrade, "Gnome! Don't commit this folly and come back here so that I can berate you publicly right now!"

"please?"

Detontrophe left his dwarven friend behind as he began walking in the direction that the new couple had left. He didn't expect to catch up with them but the tracks they left were fun to follow in.

***

A ways down the road Madong and Samsterd's rear-rider broke down. Apparently one of the glass flasks had punctured the left tire and the whole thing tipped over spilling it's hidriougroogly contents into the gutter. Samsterd began wailing as she soiled her wedding dress and the dewar did everything in his power to comfort his new bride.

"Dongsy," Samsterd replied between blubberings, "we're never going to happy here on Krynn are we? I mean, if Ballsar can't accept our union - how will the knighthoods or the thieve's guild or even the clerics! Oh my! The clerics will say we live in sin even though we clearly live in a lean-to hovel!"

The dark dwarf didn't know what to say to the kender. They both knew it wasn't right, but they also knew it to be true. "Well to the Abyss with all of them! Wait... better yet... to the Abyss with us. That's it! They'll never look there to harrass us," Madong looked lovingly as his partner, "and you can take us there with your magic. It'll be wonderful. We can have a home and family. Our children will befriend the damned and they can come over for potluck dinners. It'll be great."

After the remainder of his sniffles, Samsterd revealed a small smile. It could work. All he would need was three magical items. He reached into the back seat of the rear-rider for Raistlin's leather undergarments which were undoubtably magical in some way. He also grabbed Dougan Redhammer, who had been driving the rear-rider and threw him in the pile. Samsterd figured if he was made the preacher he must have some clerical value. It was then that he saw Detontrophe trampling up the road with Ballsar tailing closely behind.

Just when the two came into ear shot, Madong produced a metal rod from his pocket. "This, Sam, is Marderfarker's magical pleasurer," Madong declared, "It had magic because you can tell it where you want it to please you and it will please you there immediately on it's own."

"Well, by Morgion's rotting testicles if that isn't the stupidest tthing I ever heard you say, dark dwarf," Ballsar replied irritably, "Magic pleasurer, MY ASS!"

- zoom! -

Ballsar's face became really red as he grabbed at his behind and embarrassingly threw the magic pleasurer into the pile with Raistlin's leather panties and Dougan Redhammer. Before anyone noticed, Samsterd began reciting the word to his magic that would take him and Madong into the Abyss. A light developed around them.

"Detontrophe! What are they doing?" Ballsar demanded, "It doesn't matter. Just stop them!" The stern dwarf shoved his gnomish friend into the hidriougroogly couple and the light closed once they were out of the circle and the gnome disappeared.

Ballsar became entirely outraged. "Where in Shinare's overflowing bosom did you just send my gnome?" he exclaimed.

Dougan Redhammer stood up from the pile of treasures. "I think I can answer that one," he said dusting himself off, "it would seem our good natured friend has ascended to godhood."

"What! How?" the dwarf inquired.

"Well, I haven't been quite honest with you. I am also known as the god, Reorx," Dougan revealed, "I have been watching over you greygem guys for some time and you have interested me greatly since we first met at The Periwinkle Pony so many years ago. But if I am here - I am not in the Abyss and it was easy for Detontrophe to assme control as a god. Of course that means I am no longer a god. But if you look for my constellation in the sky, the forge, you'll see that's it's been replaced by a glaive of shortness."

And it was true. The constellation had changed and the other greygem members knew they had to change to. So they all left that day with heavy hearts. They would miss their good friend but they knew he would always be there to listen.

Two Years Later

Samsterd and Madong never got they little town house with the white picket fence that they always wanted. but they were able to get a bed and breakfast outside of Nereka. They don't have any children yet - but they keep trying and Samsterd is hopeful. Sore, but hopeful.

Ballsar went on a pilgrimage to Ergoth to repent for his sins. He then had to perform some hail mishakals for all the sins he attempted with some of the voluptuous pixies. But Detontrophe has forgiven him many times over since then. Ballsar now tries to seduce clerics by telling them he can have his good friend, Detontrophe, grant them religious immunity. It has worked three times so far.

Marderfarker has a new show on the Style Network in which he demonstrates the dos and don'ts on fifteenth century fashion. He's currantly bidding for the timeslot against TV's Queer Eye For The Straight Guy. Good luck to him.

Dougan Redhammer eventually bought the Periwinkle Pony. He is quite content there since he is forever surronded by ale and bar room brawls.

They say sometimes, when you look at the constellation of the Glaive of Shortness, you can almost here a song on the night's air. It's quite remarkable because if you've heard it once you'll never forget it and you can remember the words instantly and sing them as you do the laundry...

I wish I was a Krynnish diety
That is truly what I wish to be
If I were a Krynnish diety
Everyone would be in love with me!

Dogar_Setton
01/13/2004 8:01 AM

HA ha beautiful, Benn my friend, beautiful. I'm only saddened that i only got my internet access back in time for the ending, but what an ending it was!

"Sore, but hopeful" /.. I almost fell out of my chair at that one. Be seeing you around silly old pal!

:D

UndeadDragon
01/13/2004 10:42 AM

OOC: That was awesome, Benn. Heh... I, too, enjoyed the "Sore, but hopeful." part. :D

I look forward to the possibility of another sequel. I already have ideas... Yes.... I have ideas!

eswiftfire
01/13/2004 5:24 PM

OOC: Yeah! Nice ending! Ahhh... I'm cool with a sequel too. Hopefully I'll be able to contribute more compared to this one. Uh huh.

Dogar_Setton
01/14/2004 4:48 AM

Hee Hee... how about a honeymoon adventure for Madong and Samsterd

"When Hairy met Stinky"

:D

Benn-Salian
01/17/2004 10:55 PM

damn. If I knew we'd be able to have enough interest in a third installment - i'd never have killed this one off. If everyone's really interested we can work something out. Perhaps a Chaos War theme or something. Sunday I move back into my dorm so I'll have plenty of time to work on the thread with y'all. Fell free to IM (sorry I'm not on MSN yet - I shall be again when I'm home), email of post any messages to me in the mean time. Long live Greygem!

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