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nanuk
05/26/2007 4:32 PM

Okay, so this was an idea Jay mentioned, and just so I don't forget about it I'm going to post it now so it's ready to roll when she gets back.


[b]Note: helpful critiques only, please.[/b]


This probably won't be so much for RPing- it's more for working on developing character bios for those who feel they could do with a little practice, or would like to improve, or just try something different out.


You can post a character you already made and would like a little feed-back on, or would like suggestions on how to flesh out more, or can go for making something new.


I think maybe to start with post whatever [b]characters or questions[/b] you have, and if it takes off we could maybe challenge each other to write a specific type of character.


If people have) tips on what they do wen creating a character please post them- whether it's just a method you use personally, or an online tool that you find helpful- even a good site for coming up with names ;)




*[b]Jay[/b]- when you get back could you post Eolande's sheet up here because I think it's a great example of a really well-thought out character, with a fully fleshed-out background.

nanuk
05/26/2007 4:33 PM

[url:http://forum.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=messageboard.viewThread&entryID=12998767&groupID=102208914&adTopicID=6&Mytoken=FACDB03C-9042-4C54-B196804CD2E9CB6246346391]100 questions thing Jay mentioned[/url]

It's not great but gives a general idea of some of the kinds of things it's useful to know about a character when you create it.

raikoh
05/27/2007 3:52 PM

this is a great board to put up. hell this could be used by veterens also. hell i might use this next time i try to make a character for something.

nanuk
05/27/2007 4:03 PM

Hell do. :P

Hell it could be used by anyone- no matter how long you've been playing you'll always have something you want to try out or experiment with.

This is only a placeholder really- I don't want the thread to kick off properly till Jay gets back because it was her idea, but the hope is that it will prove helpful.

raikoh
05/29/2007 8:35 PM

hey could i use this quick. im thinking of joining that wwII demon rpg thing but im looking for a good char. oh and as a sidenote to those guys. started in the action to soon. shoulda started out before a chaotic battle field so any way. can i post one?

nanuk
05/30/2007 2:39 PM

Yeah, work away- I'll contribute what I can and I'm sure others will too.

Murloc_Hugger
05/31/2007 10:41 PM

Ok, here's a bio for my character from the training rp that I'm in. I'm doing this partially because I don't want the thread to fade into oblivion before Jay gets back and partially because I'm bored. Keep in mind that it's just a rough draft at this point.

Name: Lillian Deepsong

Sex: Female

Race: Human

Class: Bard

Appearance: Lillian Deepsong has golden blond hair tied off in a ponytail, sparkling blue eyes, and snow white skin, with perfectly shaped features. She wears a finely tailored blue outfit with gold trim and an octagonally cut sapphire amulet. She has a fine steel rapier at her side, and carries an extravagantly crafted lute at all times. She always seems to have a smile on her face.

Personality: Lillian Deepsong is a happy person. She see life as if it were one big performance, and is constantly trying to impress everyone around her. She has a bit of a short attention span, and is easily distracted. Nonetheless, most people she meets would be hard-pressed to find a reason to hate her.

History: Lillian is the daughter of the infamous coward, Aranar Deepsong, who deserted his adventuring party on several occasions. She has been trying to prove that she is not a coward like her father since she started adventuring, and has successfully done so multiple times. She began adventuring partially because she was bored, and partially because she wanted to live up to her mother, a powerful wizard. Her most recent accomplishment is the slaying of the Horror of Deathcliff, which had been terrorizing the western mountains for decades before she and her party had come to stop it. She is currently looking for a new adventuring party, and still more adventure.

(Note: Aranar Deepsong was an actual character of mine, for those of you who were wondering.)

KeijiAurion
06/01/2007 4:33 PM

I guess I should probably post my character bio here. I literally have dozens of original characters, so I guess I'll take it slow. ^^.

Name: Garrum

Age: Undeterminable (Looks to be around 10)

Gender: Male?

Race: Wyrmkind

Class: None?

Appearance: Garrum usually wears a one piece cloak; dark brown or black. Without it, he usually wears simple, dark clothes; preferring mobility over durability. He also requires to rip holes in his shorts, since he does sport a small red wyrm's tail that hangs to the ground; it usually drags behind him but he wraps it around his stomach to make it shorter if need be. He has dark red hair, and dark red marks on his body, including his face. He usually wears a hooded cloak to hide his face, and hides as much skin as possible. He has golden eyes, and they glow in the dark (though he doesn't have nightvision as many assume). His tail is a light red, with darker red making markings over it; and two small spikes at the end that lets Garrum use his tail as a last-resort weapon. Other than that, he's very small; barely even 5 feet tall, and lithe.

In his dragon form, he's considered to be a "runt", no taller than 3 metres, 5 on his hind legs. His wingspan is about 6 metres long, and he has the same symbols on his wings and scales that he does in his human form.

Personality: Garrum isn't exactly anti-social, but he doesn't talk to people. Mainly because he doesn't know any language but Wyrm-tongue well. He's learnt a little bit of Human-speech; enough to get him by, but not much more than that. He's carefree, and happy; and being a child, he's amused by many things. He's not a coward, but not that brave either; more fool-hardy that most children his age. He likes to showoff, but is generally shy towards people.

Backstory: Garrum was exiled from his tribe of Wyrmkind for having killed and eaten farm animals to prove that he was as good as any other Wyrm, when his peers taunted and teased him. When he left though, they were slaughtered and few have survived. He had seen the attack coming, but was too slow in warning his brethren, and could only watch from a safe vantage point as his village was destroyed. He searches now to try and find any survivors, hoping to rebuild and renew the Wymrkind, but is wary of everyone else since he doesn't know who his friends, or enemies are.

Recko_glyph
06/01/2007 5:41 PM

Yeah he joined!!!

Everyone Keiji, Keiji everyone

Make sure you open up a thread in the welcome wagon so everyone gets to know you buddy

nanuk
06/02/2007 4:57 PM

Hello, Keiji!

We love when new members recruit- go Recko!

Okay, Jay's back soon so hopefully this thread'll get more active then- I didn't want to post much as it was her baby.



Murloc- I liked the character. Particularly the idea of having her related to a character you already know- it really helps in getting an idea of who the character is going to be if you have that kind of background, and makes it easier for you. Plus it gives you a strong motivation for her actions which again, particularly if you're stuck in a game and aren't sure how to react, can help guide you.

Although-


Nonetheless, most people she meets would be hard-pressed to find a reason to hate her.


Most girls I know wouldn't be hard pressed at all ;)


Keiji- I thought the description was nicely detailed, and again, the back story is a powerful motivator. The idea of a 'mini-handicap' in terms of language is interesting (weaknesses can be good to add to characters, and helpful in determining their demeanour in many circumstances), though coupled with his wariness could make it difficult for him to join up with a party- although I assume as wyrm-kind he'd be a quick learner once he was travelling with companions.

Nice, both.

KeijiAurion
06/02/2007 7:32 PM


Hello, Keiji!

We love when new members recruit- go Recko!


Heh. Recko told me that he joined an RP site; and I've been trying to find a decently active one. So thanks for the welcome!



Keiji- I thought the description was nicely detailed, and again, the back story is a powerful motivator. The idea of a 'mini-handicap' in terms of language is interesting (weaknesses can be good to add to characters, and helpful in determining their demeanour in many circumstances), though coupled with his wariness could make it difficult for him to join up with a party- although I assume as wyrm-kind he'd be a quick learner once he was travelling with companions.


He's wary, but he knows that he needs help right now. And he's pushing his mission of finding any wyrm-kind to a secondary spot; right now he needs contacts. Help. People to trust.

It'll be hard at first. But yes, he's a quick learner. And you'll see that it might even be easy for him to join up with people, depending on their personality and situation.

Thanks for the analysis. Been a while since someone dissected a character I'd made.

nanuk
06/02/2007 7:51 PM

Having been a zoology major I do love my dissections... ;)

Murloc_Hugger
06/02/2007 7:51 PM


Murloc- I liked the character. Particularly the idea of having her related to a character you already know- it really helps in getting an idea of who the character is going to be if you have that kind of background, and makes it easier for you. Plus it gives you a strong motivation for her actions which again, particularly if you're stuck in a game and aren't sure how to react, can help guide you.


Thanks. I've never actually made a character who was related to an older character before, so I thought I'd try it. And for those of you who actually play D&D, Wisdom would definately be her "dump stat".

And by the way, Hi Keiji!

I'm also somewhat new to this site(I've only been here a few months), as well as it being my first RP forum(before this, I've only played tabletop). I hope you enjoy this site as much as I have!

Just one question:


Class: None?


How can your character not have a class? You should at least have a general character type(Fighter, Rogue, Wizard, etc.).

nanuk
06/02/2007 7:56 PM

I'd forgotten about that- good catch, lol.

Often wyrm-kind are magic users of some kind in their humanoid forms, aren't they?
At the very least multiclassed with something else because of their natural magical ability.



All this talk of dragons has made me want to re-read Dragonlance.

Murloc_Hugger
06/02/2007 7:59 PM


Often wyrm-kind are magic users of some kind in their humanoid forms, aren't they?


I don't even know what a wyrmkind is. Let's face it, the only D&D books that I have are the PHB, DMG, and MM1, as well as a few sourcebooks.

CandlestickJay
06/02/2007 8:09 PM

Ah nanuk, you are my favorite! Thanks a bunch for starting this up in my absence! What [i] would[/i] I do without you?

As for your request...

NAME: Eolande Manyrn

AGE: 27

PHYSICAL DESCRIPTION: Eolande is a slender, graceful woman who stands at only five four. She has dark auburn hair, that usually hands braided down her back with a few strands hanging pleasantly by her face. Her facial features are nothing particularly beautiful, but still pretty, with lightely tanned skin, a small nose, pouty lips and high cheekbones. In contrast though, her eyes are a clear violet, shrouded by long black eyelashes. It is those eyes that have caused her much trouble in the past. Her voice is sweet, but is capable of carrying a dark, fierce undertone.

PERSONALITY: The now quiet Eolande was once a beautiful, flirtacious teenager, loved by her parents and everyone who knew her. She was often given to jokes and giggles, her attractive laughter heard all over town, bringing joy the hurting town of her origin. Now though, time has taken its toll, and she speaks but a little, a soft smile her only show of merriment. More often she is prone to listening - something those needing to complain find very appealing.

OCCUPATION: A quiet and hard worker, Eolande works at whatever job she can find. The only job she has never taken would be one of babysitting. Rarely does she take jobs in the field, her health preventing her to do so, though on occassion she has been seen to work in the garden.

BRIEF HISTORY: To know Eolande, once must know who she was as a child. She was bright, happy, curious about everything around her. The beauty queen in her little town through personality alone, she had many friends. One of her closest friends was Laura Daggervale, and they remained best friends until Eolande's early twenties. As she grew older, those friends became more men than women, and more relationships blossomed than she knew what to do with. Her parents worked as hard as possible at everything to give their little princess exactly what she desired. Eolande, as a child, was as far from her namesake as possible, Eolande meaning "violet flower".

Upon her twentieth birthday, her parents died of the same disease that swept away many of the other villagers, including Darith's family. She was left alone. To comfort her, she found a newcomer who called himself by the name of Tieran Fiere. He had ventured into the village two months after her parent's death, hurt and bedraggled, seeking comfort in any way possible. With some help from the village nurse and Laura Daggervale, she nursed him back to health in her own home.

Both single, Tieran and Eolande caused the village gossips to go wild with rumors and stories. But Eolande was in love with the handsome stranger, and didn't let any of it hurt either one of them. Tieran helped Eolande survive, bringing home whatever money he could, though not much at all it seemed to her. He claimed to be in love and bewitched by her violet eyes, and she loved him for it. On the eve of her twenty-first birthday, she discovered she was pregnant with Tieran's child. She told him the next night. Within twenty four hours he was gone, taking all of her money with him. Whether he planned to do this the entire time, was never discovered. As soon as she began to show her pregnancy, she dissapeared into seclusion in the woods, with only occasional visits from Laura to help her get by. Her two little boys were born the 18th of August. One of the twins was dead. She buried him in the ground next to the river, a place surrounded by violets. The other she named Alzen, and he was her pride and joy.

He began walking about a year later, and then she took him to the violet hideaway, showing him the river, the beauty. It was nearly time for her to return to the town of her birth, away from the little forest cottage she currently resided in. He played in the river, and for a moment she was lost in thought, thinking how much he resembled Tieran, and it filled her with resentment, and sadness. In that moment, her little boy drowned. Her screams were heard across the forest, and people in the nearby village would wonder what mythical beast had been awakened that spring afternoon.

She stayed in seclusion for another six months, hating herself, blaming herself, and drawing away from the world. Laura came to visit her often, her only companion. Then one day, near her twenty-third birthday, Laura convinced her to return home. She did. To the villagers' shock, the beautiful girl who had dissapeared had been replaced by a sad, merely pretty woman with grief and silence lined in her every action. Her violet eyes glistened with tears at the sight of any child, and though one man did wish the court her, she turned him away, believing she was unable to love again, and wishing she never could. On a stroke of luck about a month ago, Laura discovered a recent opening at the Cloak and Dagger, and insisted she take the job. Eolande was uncertain at first, and didn't want to interact with people, but has discovered she enjoys the hard work. It really has been the only thing keeping her alive as well as filling the hours and to scrape some food for her plate, only to survive because she feels she should, for both her son's sake.

To her great surprise, Jessop, Laura's twin, has also been helping her, stopping by every day or every other day briefly to see how she was holding up and handling things. She had known him since she was a child, often having played with him and Laura when they were younger, and she greatly appreciates his kindness now. His presence in her life is a constant balance that she had not realised she needed.

Few people in the village actually know what happened to her in the two years she was gone, though rumors circulate, one particular vicious one claiming she sold her soul to the devil in exchange for violet beautiful eyes and having his child. Today's date nears the day of Alzen's death, four years ago.

-end biography-

Understand, for those who are screaming at me for such a long bio, that it is not always completely necessary for you to have a biography to this extent. [i]HOWEVER[/i] it will help you as the writer immensely to know what you character has been through, how he/she would react to different situations and to have a history ready should it ever come up in an roleplay. It will also help you avoid making mistakes during the writing, as far as when ___ happened, and what town he/she is from and other little things like that.


As far as the other bios posted already, thanks for helping this along! My comments...

Keiji - I'm not to familiar with "wyrm-kind". For others like me, it may be beneficial to include what exactly that entails. As per something else that was brought up -


Class: None?


How can your character not have a class? You should at least have a general character type(Fighter, Rogue, Wizard, etc.).


See, I wasn't brought to by RPG in the D&D world. So most of my characters don't have [i] classes[/i] . Now should the roleplay use that sort of system, yes it should be made necessary, however in my own opinion I wouldn't say it was impossible to NOT have a general character class.

Murloc - Thanks for the bio. I was wondering about this myself. :-) I agree with nanuk though, about her being simply [i] too [/i] likeable. Some would even classify this in the Mary Sue- ish category, so be careful on that. Again, just my opinion, but it would be nice to see her have some kind of quirk, and or fault of some kind.

Keep them coming guys!

Murloc_Hugger
06/02/2007 8:19 PM


but it would be nice to see her have some kind of quirk, and or fault of some kind.


Didn't I mention the short attention span?

Well, there IS some stuff that I forgot to mention earlier. She has a bit of a lack of common sense, and is overly optimistic at times. And, again,


Wisdom would definately be her "dump stat".




See, I wasn't brought to by RPG in the D&D world. So most of my characters don't have [i] classes[/i] . Now should the roleplay use that sort of system, yes it should be made necessary, however in my own opinion I wouldn't say it was impossible to NOT have a general character class.


Oh. Sorry about that. See, I've been playing D&D since I was 10, so it's kind of hard for me to not assume that anyone who RPs could not know what a class is.

CandlestickJay
06/02/2007 8:46 PM


Oh. Sorry about that. See, I've been playing D&D since I was 10, so it's kind of hard for me to not assume that anyone who RPs could not know what a class is.


I'm not saying that I don't KNOW, I'm saying that I just don't generally use them as part of my description.

And shockingly, not everyone who roleplays originated from Dungeons and Dragons. Some joined simply to improve their writing abilities.


Wisdom would definately be her "dump stat".



Not to be a sarcastic witch, but...you are saying she's pretty much a happy go lucky dumb blond? I'm being straightforward with you and that is how she appears to be from your description. If that is what she is, fine. But there are some roleplays where that kind of character would be frowned upon. Depth is key, and she appears to lack any insecurity, any human fear etc.

I don't mean to be rude, just frank with you, critically so, since that is what this is all about. Is Lillian ever worried about the way she looks? Is she afraid of heights? Does she get attached to friends or family easily?

Please, again, don't take this as intentional rudeness. I don't mean to offend.

Murloc_Hugger
06/02/2007 8:51 PM


I don't mean to be rude, just frank with you, critically so, since that is what this is all about. Is Lillian ever worried about the way she looks? Is she afraid of heights? Does she get attached to friends or family easily?


I hadn't though of that. I'll have to think of some sort of phobia or other weirdity to give her. How about a fear of paladins?

And also, she's not DUMB, per se, she's just naive.

[Edited by Murloc_Hugger on Saturday, June 2, 2007 8:52 PM]

CandlestickJay
06/02/2007 8:54 PM


I hadn't though of that. I'll have to think of some sort of phobia or other weirdity to give her. How about a fear of paladins?

And also, she's not DUMB, per se, she's just naive.


Ahh D&D child you forced me to go look up again what paladins are....

As for the naivete, alright, I understand that. When you type your bio, bring that into play as well besides just the happy go lucky part. It will avoid misunderstandings, believe me.

Murloc_Hugger
06/02/2007 8:58 PM


As for the naivete, alright, I understand that. When you type your bio, bring that into play as well besides just the happy go lucky part. It will avoid misunderstandings, believe me.


Don't worry, I'll find an opportunity soon. As well as bring in a paladin NPC to reveal the phobia thing.

(edit) And also, I've thought of a reason for her being freaked out by paladins. You'll see.

[Edited by Murloc_Hugger on Saturday, June 2, 2007 9:20 PM]

Max
06/02/2007 11:20 PM

Also Murloc, a thing that I've used in a character based off of a person I know in RL, is that the person is genuinely intelligent, but hides it behind a ditzy blonde facade in order to push away the responsibilities and requirements of life. They pretend to be happy-go-lucky when they are actually anguishing from the opportunities missed, but they pretend to be happy so everybody thinks that she's happy, and since everybody thinks that she's happy she must be happy, right?

It's some confusing psychological mumbo-jumbo, but then again - so are women.

Just as a warning though: You really have to pay attention to detail if you do something like that. Psychological twists are very real, and can really make a character believable, but you must be consistent.


Nanuk and Jay: I'll be in and out of here offering help when I can. I may even ask for your opinions on a few of my sheets.

Murloc_Hugger
06/03/2007 12:14 AM

No, I don't think that would work with this character. And also, I never said that she wasn't intelligent, I just said that she was naive. There's a difference between low intelligence and low wisdom.

Recko_glyph
06/03/2007 1:46 AM

So now the issue would be what you define as wisdom and knowledge because you'll have to be careful not to mix them up.

nanuk
06/03/2007 3:58 AM


what you define as wisdom and knowledge


See, this is where D&D can save us- cultural knowledge, language knowledge, arcane knowledge, religious knowledge.. Handy little packages ;)


Please do pop along Max- I've never done anything like this before either, and plan on trying to root out some of my old sheets.




Ahh D&D child you forced me to go look up again what paladins are....



You will [i]so[/i] not appreciate the great wit and genius of my character in Max's funny thread... ;)



Just a reminder as well- I said at the start of the thread that it might be a nice idea, once we've settled into using the thread, to set ourselves challenges- either general, or to specifically address what we see as our own weak points.
I, for example, rarely write male characters (because boys smell), and am largely reluctant to do so because of a fear of falling into stereotype.
Jay mentioned that she's not used to playing straight-out evil characters.

So be thinking of things as you go along so that we could make it interesting.

CandlestickJay
06/03/2007 8:32 AM

Yeah, I'm attempting a bad guy...but I'm not posting it until I'm sure he's not a complete flat-out embarrassment.

Murloc_Hugger
06/03/2007 9:40 AM


Just a reminder as well- I said at the start of the thread that it might be a nice idea, once we've settled into using the thread, to set ourselves challenges- either general, or to specifically address what we see as our own weak points.
I, for example, rarely write male characters (because boys smell), and am largely reluctant to do so because of a fear of falling into stereotype.
Jay mentioned that she's not used to playing straight-out evil characters.


Well, I hardly ever create Lawful characters(in D&D terms, mostly because I see them as too limiting), so maybe I could try a few here. Just an idea.

Max
06/03/2007 11:50 AM


[Posted By CandlestickJay on 06.03.2007 8:32 AM]

Yeah, I'm attempting a bad guy...but I'm not posting it until I'm sure he's not a complete flat-out embarrassment.



Post it here, maybe we can help you out.

Darth_Lucifer
06/03/2007 12:03 PM

Hi ppl I'm new here I saw this site while browsing I come from a Star Wars RPG forum site called http://www.sithmasters.org/forum/index.php?act=idx I hope to RP with you all and hope that you visit us on this site as I will be visiting here. On another note if anyone needs help with RP I can help as I have much experience in this area.


Now on to subject here is my bio for your RP I hope it is up to scratch.


Name: Darth Lucifer

Nickname: Lucifer, Luc

Class: Sith Marauder/Warrior

Sith Rank: Sith Master (On the other site I'll change this when I am chosen to be trained)

Age: 40 (precise age is unknown)

Gender: Male

Height: 6'2" or 6'8" (when in ornate battle armour)

Weight: 230lb or 240lb in armour

Eye Colour: White (partially blind) , Deep black (Darkside induced)

Species: Massassi ( Descendant )

Skin: Heavily Scarred, Pale (DNA Alterations Operations in Past)

Hair: Short Dark Brown

Homeworld: Unknown even to myself

Lightsabre:Red Double End detachable sabre (Two sabres when separated), Orange Concealed Light dagger, Single blade red sabre (concealed for when other sabre is lost or destroyed)

Main Combat Technique: Martial Arts and Lightsabre combined

Other Weapons: Light Blaster Pistol, 3 Thermo Grenades, 3 Flash grenades, T-20 scoped blaster Rifle

Strengths: Lightsabre combat and Martial Arts, Endurance, Stamina, Quick Health regeneration rate

Ships: Sith Infiltrator 'Dark Harvest'

Appearance: A Tall imposing masked figure never showing his face, has the look of a fearless warrior, Brute, Intimidating, Mysterious, Muscular


Personality: Mindful, Calm and Collected , Friendly to those close to him, Prone to Flashbacks of Past on Occasion, Sycastic on occasion, Calculating, Shows respect towards those who teach him or opponents of great skill, When angered beyond normal endurance will not hesitate to kill or wound, Fearless in battle, Devout in his belief in the Darkside and the Sith, Follows Strictly The Mandalorian Honour code, The Sith Code and The Bushido Code

Force Skills:Basic Force Lightning, Force Speed, Force Jump, Force Push/Pull, Basic Force Grip, Force Rage, Force TK, Force Meld, Force Barrier, Force Insanity

Other Skills: Extremely Proficient in Mixed Martial Arts (Muay Thai Kickboxing and Taras Kasi mainly) , Expert Pilot, Expert Tactician, Stragegist and Sith Alchemist

Background:

A descendant of the Massassi refugees who escaped the massacre of the species by leaving into the Unknow Regions Lucifer knows very little of his past due to extreme experimentation by a unknown cult sometime in his past he has only been seen in glimpses and flashbacks at various times in his life among the sith those moments where a glimpse is caught were kept and still are very close only being told to his closest of friends.

nanuk
06/03/2007 2:22 PM

An interesting character apart from a [i]few[/i] things...



Homeworld: Unknown even to myself



Himself, right? ;)

Unknown? Do I smell a 'Mysterious Past tm'?



Lightsabre:Red Double End detachable sabre (Two sabres when separated), Orange Concealed Light dagger, Single blade red sabre (concealed for when other sabre is lost or destroyed)


Wow.
Four?
Wow.


Other Weapons: Light Blaster Pistol, 3 Thermo Grenades, 3 Flash grenades, T-20 scoped blaster Rifle


No, make that [i]twelve[/i] weapons.




Appearance: A Tall imposing masked figure never showing his face, has the look of a fearless warrior, Brute, Intimidating, Mysterious, Muscular


Personality: Mindful, Calm and Collected , Friendly to those close to him, Prone to Flashbacks of Past on Occasion, Sycastic on occasion, Calculating, Shows respect towards those who teach him or opponents of great skill,


Also Is A Random Capitaliser/German

And mindful? Calm? Friendly?
Antithesis of the Sith code!


Now for the bits I [i]really[/i] have a problem with..



The Bushido Code



Mixed Martial Arts (Muay Thai Kickboxing



A [b]long time ago[/b] in a galaxy [b]far, far, away[/b].
Anybody?
Good lord.



Lucifer knows very little of his past


So it's 'Mysterious'?
Cop.
Out.

Good RPers can pull off this 'mysterious past' junk, but it's difficult to do- and not the [i]best[/i] idea for your first bio on a site.



his closest of friends


Sith!!
Friends?



It's quite bizarre as I have just read all of the 'bad RP profiles' on the site Angel put up and a lot of this falls into what they were talking about it..
I thought it was a joke at first.

Sorry, new person- and welcome, by the way- I'm not saying it's [i]bad[/i] but.. you know... a Jedi/Sith is cool enough without also being a Samurai/Tony Jaa.



I know I said tis thread was supposed to be for helpful critique, so here's the helpful bit: start over.

If you want to play a Sith, play a Sith, if you want to play a Jedi, play a Jedi.
If you've been on Star Wars forums you should be more than aware of the differences in philosophies- especially considering how rabid SW fans can be.
If you want to play [i]Revan[/i] play KOTOR I.

One of the challenges of RPing is in creating a character that's different from you, and trying to react how they would in a given situation- staying in character.

Whenever you pick a 'class' for a character you [i]have[/i] to be aware of the restrictions that imposes: if you're a Jedi you don't go around robbing people, if you're a Hutt you're not cuddly, if you're a Paladin you don't lie and cheat, if you're a mage you can't be stupid ('intelligence' wise, rather than common sense), if you're a cleric you can't be an atheist, if you're a Sith you're not friendly.


I'm sorry if that seems overly harsh but, frankly, you put it up here for comments so there they are.





let me get the link...

[url:http://www.kalime.com/burn/profiles.html] Department of Bad Profiles[/url] (posted originally by AvA in the RP Talk forum).

Any of you who haven't read it I highly recommend you do so- I had chest pains from laughing so much.

[Edited by nanuk on Sunday, June 3, 2007 2:30 PM]

KeijiAurion
06/03/2007 2:40 PM


Keiji - I'm not to familiar with "wyrm-kind". For others like me, it may be beneficial to include what exactly that entails. As per something else that was brought up -


Well, I was kind of hoping to explain it later in an RP I would start, but I decided that I can't start it now because mainly, Garrum doesn't know anyone, and needs help.

I guess I'll give an explanation here. Along with pie. Free pie and explanation to all!

Wyrm-kind: People that were not born from dragons, nor did they cross-breed with dragons, nor do they control them in any way. They are simply like dragons; some sport tails and wings, others horns, but all have the distinct markings over their bodies. These markings are the same as the ones that would appear on their eggs, and are unique for every Wyrm-kind. You could call them a dragon-human hybrid for simplicity; though that would technically be wrong as they are not hybrids, since they're not exactly human.

I would go into history at this point, but I want to save that for the RP. Unless you want it. ;)


How can your character not have a class? You should at least have a general character type(Fighter, Rogue, Wizard, etc.).


Well, it's kind of hard for a child to have a class, wouldn't you think? He's not exactly strong enough to wield a sword, or shoot magic. He might steal and stuff, but he's not a rogue, and well, there's no other real class for him. Pet, maybe? Tag-along? I don't know. It just didn't have a general character class to put in. Maybe I'll just call his class "Tag-along" just for kicks.

It's not that I don't want to give him a class. The kid's old (not like, elf old, but still old), but he's still only about 10. (I had a whole calculation formula to attain his actual age, but I'm afraid to post it in fear of being too odd. >_>) What can a 10 year old really do? One that doesn't speak your language, can't fight, and is basically useless? Is Meatshield a class?

Well, if he takes a liking to people, "Pet" could be a suitable class, since he'd probably let said person ride him or something. But as it stands now... he doesn't really get a class. Unless you can offer an idea for one.

Anything else that needs clearing up? Garrum is biting my ear to take him on a walk. Or flight. Whatever you'd prefer. :P.

Murloc_Hugger
06/03/2007 4:43 PM


Well, it's kind of hard for a child to have a class, wouldn't you think? He's not exactly strong enough to wield a sword, or shoot magic. He might steal and stuff, but he's not a rogue, and well, there's no other real class for him. Pet, maybe? Tag-along? I don't know. It just didn't have a general character class to put in. Maybe I'll just call his class "Tag-along" just for kicks.


Then at least put "Commoner" or something like that. But you can't just not have a class. And by the way, "Tag-Along" and "Pet" are not classes.

Have you ever even played D&D?

nanuk
06/03/2007 4:56 PM


And by the way, "Tag-Along" and "Pet" are not classes.


I have the tiniest inkling of a feeling that Keiji may already know that, and I think his reasoning for why he wouldn't have a class was very good.


Were you in the Roots, Bloody Roots FR thread?
I'm not sure Max's character would've had a class in that, and if so it certainly wouldn't have been conventional.

Once something can be reasonably justified, and the prospective DM is happy with it, it should be fine.

Murloc_Hugger
06/03/2007 5:02 PM


Once something can be reasonably justified, and the prospective DM is happy with it, it should be fine.


Yes, but he hasn't reasonably justified it yet. If you don't want to have a class, then just play a 1st level Commoner. That's the equivalent of an average person. And if you want to play a child, just give your character lower-than-average ability scores. That's as close as you can get to "Class: None".

Max
06/03/2007 5:05 PM

Murloc, you're logic is coming from a tabletop D&D player. Not all FFRP's follow the same rules.

Recko_glyph
06/03/2007 5:21 PM


I had a whole calculation formula to attain his actual age, but I'm afraid to post it in fear of being too odd. >_>)


I don't think you should be. I think its actually impressive


Free pie and explanation to all!


All your pie are belong to me! You can split the explanation.

On a more serious note, I like Garrum, but you'd probably have an easier time if you just make the thread instead of putting him into another thread (Since you'd probably have to explain it over and over again as you did with me a long, long time ago).

Just look around I'm sure somewhere there's a thread where he can come in (I can almost see it now)

[Edited by Recko_glyph on Sunday, June 3, 2007 7:31 PM]

Murloc_Hugger
06/03/2007 5:22 PM


Murloc, you're logic is coming from a tabletop D&D player. Not all FFRP's follow the same rules.


Look, I'm sorry if I seem rude. It's just that I was literally raised on D&D. I would watch my parents play for hours before I could play myself. When the other kids were playing football or baseball or whatever, I was studying my D&D books. When other kids were having parties, I was playing D&D. So it's no stretch to say that I know just about everything there is to know about D&D(the core books, at least). I even got into this site for the sole reason that I didn't get to play much D&D anymore and was looking for an alternative. My point is, I'm sorry if I tried to impose my knowledge of D&D on everyone, and I'll try to stop.

Nix
06/03/2007 5:57 PM

The following character is from a story I'm writting and is intended to be used in an epic tale setting and thus is somewhat...super-super-human. So keep that in mind.

Name: Nix (for now)

Age: ~1200

Race: Human, but...(See description)

Class: Unique

Physical stuff: 6 foot, 170 lbs. Blonde hair, Hazel eyes, light skinned. Overall pretty average. Only thing that seperates him from the rest of the planet is His body temp is 100, as opposed to 98.7.

Personality stuff: Absent minded, arrogent (with justification), and patronizing when he meets someone concieted. Spending centuries as one of a handful at the direct beck and call of the closest thing to gods the universe has ever seen tends to make someone a little touchy.

History: Born average, lived average, was going to BE average for the rest of his life. Except for the plans of the ancestors of the Human race. It just so happens that now is the time when "They" reach our galaxy. It also just so happens that "Their" presence releases the latent Elemental powers of 23% of the current population of the galaxy. Fortunately (or not in Nix's opinion) he has been "gifted" with all Six elemental schools. (Told ya he was an Epic Character) As a result, he was chosen by "The Six", the only surviving members of the ancestor race, to rally the galaxy. Can he do it? Of course, gods aren't likely to make mistakes. Does he want to do it? Not really...

Murloc_Hugger
06/03/2007 6:03 PM

Ummmmm... galaxy? Is this fantasy or Sci-fi? I can't really tell. And what are the other two elements? As far as I know, there's only four.

Max
06/03/2007 6:31 PM


And what are the other two elements? As far as I know, there's only four.


It all depends on your perspective. Nowadays those four are what we think of as the 'core' elements. If you go to eastern thought, however, there are five 'core' elements: fire, water, metal, earth, and wood.

Also in many fictional and fantasy settings 'Light' and 'Dark' are seen as elements, as well as love and a slew of other things.

[Edited by Max on Sunday, June 3, 2007 6:33 PM]

Murloc_Hugger
06/03/2007 6:45 PM

Well, all he said was "the six elements", so I was just wondering which ones.

Max
06/03/2007 6:57 PM

I agree that he needs to clarify, I was just pointing out that "4" isn't necessarily the catch all you made it out to be.

KeijiAurion
06/03/2007 7:01 PM


Then at least put "Commoner" or something like that. But you can't just not have a class. And by the way, "Tag-Along" and "Pet" are not classes.

Have you ever even played D&D?


No, I haven't played D&D... at least not thoroughly. But I'm trying not to give him a class like "Commoner", because he's not exactly common.


Yes, but he hasn't reasonably justified it yet. If you don't want to have a class, then just play a 1st level Commoner. That's the equivalent of an average person. And if you want to play a child, just give your character lower-than-average ability scores. That's as close as you can get to "Class: None".


Ability scores?


Look, I'm sorry if I seem rude. It's just that I was literally raised on D&D. I would watch my parents play for hours before I could play myself. When the other kids were playing football or baseball or whatever, I was studying my D&D books. When other kids were having parties, I was playing D&D. So it's no stretch to say that I know just about everything there is to know about D&D(the core books, at least). I even got into this site for the sole reason that I didn't get to play much D&D anymore and was looking for an alternative. My point is, I'm sorry if I tried to impose my knowledge of D&D on everyone, and I'll try to stop.


It's not rude, no. It's just that I haven't D&D'ed before, nor do I ever plan to, I'm into a different genre of RP's. Maybe one day I'll try it, but because of the way I think and write, I'm not geared towards the D&D aspects. I don't believe in "Ability scores" or "classes" or things like that. Then again, the people that can do that, I give props to. They deal with a vast amount of information all at once, and I can't do that. With the way I RP, my character isn't static, but isn't exactly changing either, I simply build a timeline of their life, and add to that as I see fit, and change my character's personality as is required.

But in D&D Terms, he's probably a Commoner, and has no dump stat. XD.

Zombie-Pop
06/03/2007 10:41 PM

Hey guys, I love the idea of this thread, so tear me apart at will :p
This profile was created for the world in the Age of Descent RP Gmed by Flark, I was late so the RP filled up before I got there, but I would really appreciate some feedback.

Name: Saysen Silnye

Age: 32

Physical Description: Saysen has one of those faces that could be fourteen or forty and look the same--not young, not old just a tad off kilter. He has deep set amber eyes that tend to cloud when the weather gets stormy, and coarse hair tied back in a tuft at the nape of his neck, a color somewhere between burnt auburn and black. His nose has been broken more than once, and even when it was in one peice it was too long for good looks. On first glance he looks thin, but upon closer examination you find that Saysen is really very wirey, and the slim muscles he has are defined by years of labor and craftsmanship. His skin has the leathry texture of sun and sweat and time, but the pigment remains on the pale side, just the darker side of almond flesh. His fingers and toes are almost abnormaly long, and when he's particularly delighted with sometihing he tends to look like a monkey. It is very hard for Saysen to keep his fingers still. He stands at right under six foot and weighs around one hundred and fifty pounds. On his left side is a long scar from a wheat scythe--and accident from childhood--and there is a circular wound on his right ankle from a wolf bite that never healed properly. He favors long vests and loose pants and can't stand shirts or undershirts that cover any portion of his hands. He keeps his eyebrows thin and his fingernails short. The only physical sign of the hard time that has befallen the land on Saysen are the small crow's feet sprouting from the corners of his eyes.

Personality: Saysen is one for whistling in the dark. He's never been wealthy or good looking, so he figures he might as well be happy. He has become a tad desensitized to violence over the years, and may sometimes come off as indifferent or foolish. He's always good for a laugh, but is able to break someone's finger and laugh about it, it really doesn't phase him anymore. Saysen can have moments of great intuectual depth, but he also has moments of childish immaturity. He is mildly ADD, it is very hard for him to keep still and paces when he becomes nervous. He tends to fall back on sarcasm and humor when confronted or uncomfortable, and has become a master at changing the subject. He has a deathly fear of horses and an amazing sense of rythym. Though he usually portrays a goofy or nonchalant exterior, Saysen is very well read and is quick with numbers, however he can't write much more than his own name. He has mild dislexia and most of the things he's "read" have actually been read to him. He is exceedingly embarassed by this fact and few know he can not write. He loves to sketch in charcol, especially people and faces.

Occupation: Saysen is a traveling "salesmen and trader" who might every now and again resort to theivery.

History:Saysen was born in Elmswhistle, only a few years after Tarquin Daggervale. His mother died in childbirth, and his father, a talented woodworker and musician found his only joy in Saysen's mischief. He and Tarquin were friends in thier childhood, Saysen usually concocting complicated schemes to hide someone's laundry or snitch pie-crust from the baker and coercing Tarquin into participating. Tarquin was always the one who was able to talk them out of trouble. Saysen was friecly loyal to Tarquin and would take (or throw) a punch to defend his friend. Saysen took great joy in the drum and the pan-flute as a boy, and could be found playing them outside people's windows at the wee hours of the morning, much to the shagrin of Sebastian Daggervale. Tarquin was one of the few who knew of his friends dyslexia and (when he could get him to sit still) would read to Saysen from the books he could find in the village. Saysen's happy havoc continued in Elmswhistle until a few days after his fifteenth birthday, when the local cobbler accused him of stealing from his workshop. Saysen had taken nothing, but his reputation and his tendancy to speak before thinking landed him on the bad end of a wheat sycthe by accident. He lost massive amounts of blood and stayed unconcious for almost three days, and even when he awoke, the blow had severed many of the muscles in his left side, and it took him months to recover and move like he used to. To this day his left side remins stiffer than his right. Barely a year after recovering from the blow, Saysen buried his father. It was then that Saysen decided to leave Elmswhistle. Though Tarquin and the Daggervales generously offered to house him, he felt confined in the town, and the cobbler still had it out for him, so Saysen began to travel. By the time he hit twenty five, he'd been to the far shores of Denzibar and back to the capital. He'd learned that he was very good with hands and had a great affinity for children. When he could not find work or food he turned his capable hands to theivery; however, knowing the hards times across the land he was always careful to take from those who had enough to spare and to never take more than he needed, rarely would he thieve things to sell them. Saysen learned to dance and learned the joys of sleeping outdoors. His fear of horses, a phobia from childhood was embedded even deeper when an aging mare kicked him in the nose during a thunderstorm. He now will refuse to come within twenety feet of an untethered horse. During the same storm, blinded by the pain in his nose, Saysen wandered into unprotected woodland and was attacked by a wolf, the artist responsible for the wound on his ankle that will not heal properly. The most useful skill Saysen pick up was that of needle work, not only can he mend his own clothes, but he's fairly proficient at decorative embriodery. The one skill Saysen has never aquired is the ability to hold his liquer--he's done after two pints. Saysen was close by Wexdale when he recieved a message from his old friend Tarquin asking him to return to Elmswhistle on important buisness. Never one to desert a friend, Saysen packed up his pan-flute and his hunting knife, and, passing a fevrent prayer that the old cobbler was dead, headed for his childhood home.

CandlestickJay
06/04/2007 12:14 AM

Zombie-I was talking to you when you made this one, so I'll leave you be.

As for the whole D&D argument going on...

Murloc, I appreciate your apology, and I understand that you have grown up with it. The very first friend that introduced me to roleplaying through the writing sense was just like you. It is extremely important though, that you not try to force and insist that the typical D&D stats be required for a profile. When you are the GM and you want to make that a requirment, full speed ahead sweetheart.

But here, where we offer constructive criticism, keep your somewhat bloodthirsty desire for classes and stats to yourself. It is not required in the bios here, in fact, nothing is exactly required. We're just here as a bouncing board. We do welcome your opinion, and your help, but not if it is going to attempt to force people to play your way.

Nix - I honestly don't really feel qualified to make a proper opinion on your profile. It is set in your own world, with your own "epic tale setting" and therefore I can't really know what is accurate or important really. Its difficult to critique when I have really not much of a clue what exactly is happening. For basics though, I can only offer this - Your history sounds like the premise of a book. Not a character's actual history. Good luck! As far as a novel goes, it sounds like it might be a decent read. :-)


I don't think you should be. I think its actually impressive


I agree. As for the whole wyrm kind thing, thanks for clearing that up. Honestly, before I knew all of that, I would have pegged him as a giant earth worm.

KeijiAurion
06/04/2007 4:28 AM

*tries imagining Garrum as a giant, wriggly worm*

xD...

Glad I cleared that up, though. Anything else?

Darth_Lucifer
06/04/2007 9:37 AM

if you're a Sith you're not friendly.






THis is a wrong presumtion on the site I go to this is totally wrong you can can sith and still be friendly and my bio is fine I have used it on several sites with no problems and this site should be no different and so i shall not change the bio.

If you look deeper into the sith code you find there is more than meets the eye (although I soudn like a fanatic I am not I just like to keep my options open) I see your presumtion is typical of many who think the sith are inherently evil which is totally wrong I have found I sith can be friendly and be approached without fear as many may think otherwise. I welcome you to the site I go on to have a first hand view of what I am speaking of.

CandlestickJay
06/04/2007 9:43 AM


THis is a wrong presumtion on the site I go to this is totally wrong you can can sith and still be friendly and my bio is fine I have used it on several sites with no problems and this site should be no different and so i shall not change the bio.

If you look deeper into the sith code you find there is more than meets the eye (although I soudn like a fanatic I am not I just like to keep my options open) I see your presumtion is typical of many who think the sith are inherently evil which is totally wrong I have found I sith can be friendly and be approached without fear as many may think otherwise. I welcome you to the site I go on to have a first hand view of what I am speaking of.


You are not going to make friends this way. :-(

Oh, and for your enjoyment and constructive criticism, meet my character from the Seas of San Tosa forum..



User Name: CandlestickJay
Name: Captain Devlin Brevyn
Age: 24
Gender: Female
Crew: (OS, Rival, or Navy) : Rival
Appearance: With a long sword in her belt, the Captain stands a little over five feet tall, her thin features strong and finely crafted for fierce beauty. Her skin, once the color of perfect ivory has tanned to a navajo white, and clear blue eyes, eyes the color of the sea with a drifting fog, are shrouded by thick black lashes. Her hair itself contrasts her fine-tuned features, a wild nearly black mane of curly hair. It is tied by a single piece of teal ribbon with a small pearl threaded along it at the nape of her neck. It is not unusual for curls to be flying about her face in the wind, though never to block her vision, physically or psychologically.

As is common with most pirates, she wears a red and black bandana, covered by a simple black tri-corn hat. In her ears are four different piercings in both, each with an earring and a silver or bronze decoration. On her neck is tatooed a raven, his wings majestically stretched along her jawline, from her right ear and then downward, its sharp talons clenching her collarbone. When her head is turned to the left, with the beak open and blue eyes piercing and determined, the raven's head is artfully placed at the point where her right ear meets her jaw. The Raven itself is outlined in red.

Though small, she has a fierce and ultra feminine beauty about her, and as widely known for her beauty as much as her pirateering and fighting ways. Her garb is unique, with a fitted red corset that holds her form firmly but comfortably, and suits even the most dire of fights with impeccable ease. The corset itself is merely decorative. She wears a creme, often streaked with dirt, poet's shirt beneath the corset, then fitted black breeches that end at the knee, along with white tights and men's black boots.

At her waist is a simple belt, dotted with the strange and unusual. There are two pouches and several places for things to be hung. Among the items are a chain of beads, a carved figurine of a raven, a small knife, and it is said that inside one of the pouches is a man's tongue, cut from her lover in an furious rage.

A picture will be provided soon, for further detail.

Weapons: She carries a cutlass at her side, skillfully made and of high durability. Simple, but deadly in her possession. She also has a small dagger, an unopo weapon of unique design that gives the user a heightened sense of her surroundings. The Captain is unaware of any of its other uses, though it has another.

Items: Human Tongue. Chain of Ivory beads. Carved figurine of an raven. Rum. A pouch that rattles with money. A telescope. A compass. Typical captain stuff.

History: Devlin Brevyn was born in Habebubaba Town, one of a set of twins. Her parents raised her and her brother Daemon equally and fitfully, but in fear. The threat of the Vrida was growing, and they were becoming restless with the young women sent to them. Visitors grew scarce, and though Devlin grew into a learned and talented young woman, she was not liked for her sharp tongue and domineering attentions. On the eve of her twelth brithday, the number or young women to be sacrificed to the Vrida was one short. That very night, her brother was found with his throat slit beneath a tree just outside of the town. Devlin was found nearby as well, with his blood a thick coating on her motionless hands. It was then the tribe on Habebubaba decided she was to great of an evil, to great of a risk to be kept alive, and chose to sacrifice her to the Vrida.

This was not to be her fate. She escaped, bloody and near death from the Vrida, stowing away on the ship Revenge, captained by a pirate. Her presence did not go unknown on the ship. The men, deeply spiritual as most pirates are, sought to put her off at the next port. She convinced the captain to let her stay and she served as a cabin maid for six years under the same captain with several different crews. She learned the value of the pirate code, of ports and wines, men and pirates and where one began and the other let off. She learned the art of a pirate, slitting throats and stealing, lying and fighting with any weapon she came close to. Though nearly worth her weight in gold as a swordswoman, the captain became leery of having a full fledged, though short, woman on his ship and the affect that it had on his crew. They were often distracted by her blue eyes, the color of the sea and a drifting fog. He put her ashore, leaving her alone in Solunba.

Alone at eighteen, she fought her way through bars and brothels, until she met a pirate by the name of Carbry Williams. He was handsome, dashing, and in her mind everything a pirate should be. He was wicked, but she loved him, more than she had ever loved any other. Two years past in his arms until one day, she found him slobbering drunk in the arms of another woman, and another man. Appalled and furious, she tore him from the bed and through his inebriated form to the ground with her cutlass at his throat. It is told that she whispered to him, "Tell me why I should not slit your throat at this very moment." He returned with "Because I love you." As the story goes, she sliced his tongue from the ground, shouting and cursing at him, commanding him to not ever again tell a lie. Devlin left then, and has not been seen in Solunba until our story begins.

Taking a position on the pirate ship Foretelling, Devlin met for the first time a tall albino by the name of Sendren, and his monkey, Homtae. Their first meeting could not be called the beginning of a fast friendship. However as the captain ceased to amaze its crew again and again, mutiny loomed, and when it struck, at its head would be Devlin and Sendren. They abandoned the captain and renamed the ship the Red Raven, sailing with her new red sails. Together they commanded the ship with a ferocity that forced the other crew in line, Devlin as Captain and Sendren as first mate. The crew grew wary once again, and after another six years making a name for herself, the pirate Captain Brevyn put into port at Solunba for a new crew. Her expectations are high, and her temper short, and she expects nothing less than what she herself gives for the crew.

Zombie-Pop
06/04/2007 10:04 AM

Aaaaand...meet the Sendren and Homtae the above profile refrences!
Dang it I got tomato sauce on my keyboard. Curse you, Chef Boyardee.

User Name: Zombie Pop
Character Name: Sendren Siljai and Homtae Tonteme (the monkey)
Gender: Male and Male
Age: Sendren 19, Homtae 64
Pet: Homtae a'course
Weapons: Short Sword-Sendren /Claws and Wit-Homtae
Physical Apperance: [Sendren] Sendren is an albino. His skin is creamy white, the only markings being a thin, darker scar on his right shoulder that streches from his shoulder blade and wraps around to brush his collar bone, and a tatoo of a barn owl in flight in blue ink on his left hip. His hair is whispy silver white and tied in a puff at the nape of his neck with a bit of twine. His eyes are not the devilish red associated with albinos, but are instead a crystaline grey, like smoke captured in ice. He is thin and gangly--by no means a heavy lifter, but what he lacks in muscle he makes up for in dexterity. His face houses fragile but not feminine features, a wide mouth with thin lips, a graceful nose and a long, rectangular jaw, his eyebrows are also silver white and sometimes go unnoticed. Hisl imbs are long and agile, he has scholarly, piano playing fingers.
[Homtae] Homtae is a white faced monkey (go put 'white faced monkey' into google image search, they are awesome XD) a mixture of soft black and white fur. His face still retains a certain human qualit--not so much in shape or actual physical appearance, but more in expression. His eyes have also retained a hazel-gold color not usually found in monkeys. He is very agile and large for a monkey of his type, standing nearly three feet on his hind legs. He is most often seen curled about Sendren's shoulders.

Personality: [Sendren] Sendren is optomistic almost to a fault. Because of his skin and (lack of) color he has been discriminated and hated against his whole life, and he has found the only way to combat the prejudice is smile and plug through it. It is very hard for him to trust people, and has never really confided in anyone but Homtae. He is not adversed to hard work and delights in anything intricated that he can do with his hands. He is an expert knot-tier and untier and is very good at fixing things. Sendren has nearly perfected the art of dissapearing into the background, for him, it is much easier to not be noticed, and while this saves him ridicule and hate, it also makes him a very good thief. Sendren cares for Homtae very deeply and is dedicated to finding a cure for his friend. He also tends to stroke Homtae's tail when he is nervous or upset. (Homtae is his security blanket ^_^) Sendren's only moments of anything but quirky cheerfulnes are the moments when he shows disgrace and disgust with himself. He believes his condition is his own fault, brought on by a wicked heart and massive sin.
[Homtae] Homtae is one smart monkey. Seeing as he was a wise man and expert sailor before the experimentation, Homtae is now wise and helpful as Sendren's companion. Though given to boughts of thoughful silence and occasional gloomy pouting, Homtae is usually good-natured, if a little cynical. He has seen much of the world, its good and bad, and tries to impart this wisdom to Sendren. He is exceedingly protective of the boy, as Sendren reminds Homtae of his own son, lost many years ago. He enjoys the open sea great deal, and finds nothing more exhilarating than scrambling into the rigging of a well cared-for ship and hanging from the crow's nest upside down by his tail. His good-natured grumpyness balaneces well with Sendren's seemingly exhaustless optimism.

History: [Sendren] Sendren was born to a young husband-less woman of Rabindasca Town. When he was born, Sendren's eyes were the blood red of albino legend. Believing him to be an evil spirit, the people of the fishing village wrenched him from his mother's arms and flung him into the ocean in a pitch-covered wooden box. He would have died in the sea if had not been for the peculiar fishing habits of a hermit woman who lived on the northern coast of that smae island. Hoping the pitch-box contained rum, the hermit woman, called Nanoni ( a name meaning "Story Fingers") instead found a bright white, very angry, baby Sendren. It was she who gave him his name, which means "silent smile" and rasied him with her in the woods that bordered the northern coast. She was not afraid of his appreance nor his sudden entrance, and she broiught him to know exactly what he was and why he had been thrown away. Sendren loved the old woman dearly and as a young boy called her "Mama Noni." For most of his childhood, he and the old woman were inseprable. Nanoni taught Sendren of the different peoples of the world, and of the old gods of water and air, ice and summer, forgotten by the new generations. It was from Nanoni that Sendren gained his love and aptitude for story-telling. She also taught him to sew and to write, and under Nanoni's love and protection, Sendren's eyes faded from red to sparkling grey. But on Sendren's fourteenth foundling day (Nanoni did not know the day of his birth, so instead they celebrated the day of his discovery) the people of Rabindasca converged upon Nanoni's forest home and killed and burned the old woman and her home. They scoured the forest and coast for Sendren, believing the old hermit and the ghost child had cursed their town and fishing season, but Sendren was nowhere to be found. He'd been swimming when the townspeople had come for Nanoni and had stayed in the water for nearly ten hours, until the beach was once again clear of people. He could barely return to the site of the hermit house to mourn the only person who had ever cared for him.To this day, Sendren cannot handle any type of fire. The same night, he stole a boat from the town and set out blindly. Nearly three weeks later, he found himself washed ashore on the island that laid claim to the quiet Forune Town, and one very angry monkey. It was by complete accident that Sendren and Homtae met, well at least on Sendren's part. The young albino had no idea where he was, so when a white-faced monkey launched itself out of a nearby tree at his face, howling of the injustice he had inflicted upon him, Sendren was a bit confused. Needless to say, it took quite a bit to pacify Homtae, and before Sendren mangaged it, he'd been given the long gash across his shoulder which would become his only scar. Once calm, it was Homtae that told Sendren of the experimentation and the ways of many other aspects of life he had not known growing up on his northen island. Homtae told of pirates and giant cities of spirits and angels. After the night where the two outcasts shared their stories with each other, the boy and the monkey became insprable, a sort of make-shift family. Together they began to travel and finally turned to pirating, since it was the one profession where it didn't matter that Sendren was so white that he glowed in the dark and that Homtae was a monkey that knew more about...well just about everything...than any normal man. Their crew-hopping brought them to the vessel Foretelling, where they encountered a young woman named Devlin. Needless to say they did not become fast friends--Devlin had never seen an albino and Sendren had never met someone quite that volitale. Thier first meeting went along the lines of:
Sendren: You've been staring at me for ten minutes. Is there seaweed in my hair or something?
Devlin: You're bright white.
Sendren: Yes, yes I am. And you are almost shorter than Homtae.
The captain had to come pry them off each other. Mostly Devlin, but Homtae is always up for a good hair-pulling. Somehow, through the fights and gambits and verbal harrasment, Devlin and Sendren ended up leading a mutiny together against the captian of the Foretelling, renaming it the Red Raven with Devlin captaining and Sendren at the helm as her new first mate.

[Homtae] Homtae was a expert sailor and navigator before being transformed into a monkey. Since he was old enough to set out on his own, Homtae has been wandering, he would be hard-pressed to tell you even where he was born. Though Homtae will always have a place in his heart of the City of Crimia, where he met the only woman he ever loved--a mountain girl named Shealanne (a name that means 'heart in the hills'). He arrived in Crimia at the age of 30, and stayed there with Shealanne for his longest stay in one place since his childhood, twenty years. Though they never married, they did have one child, a boy named Cailnonn (a name meaning 'ocean stone' to honor both of his parents). Homtae beleive his wandering days were over, so he set up practice as a wise man to the city, learning of the different races, their histories and hertiages, and the will and power of the land and sea. He became renoun in the city--he even learned how the folk of Crimia brew thier beer. Homtae's live seemed settled as is fiftieth birthday rolled around, but it was not to be. Cailnonn was eighteen, tall and dark like his father, with the wide, quick grin of his mother's face. All the city-folk had become endeared to the boy and his quiet, helpful nature, even the loud tread of his bare feet. But then one day, the loud tread was not heard anywhere in the city. Cailnonn had vanished. No note, no blood, nothing stolen, nothing was even missing from his things, the boy had just gone. Both of his parents searched frantically for weeks on end, until the fear and stress confined Shealanne to her bed. Even then Homtae searched. It seemed that Cailnonn had run off, just blown away with the wind--the thought of his son abandoning his mother broke Homtae's heart, but he understood the need to roam more than most, and had resigned imself to the fact that his son had taken the same path as he had as a young man, when the box arrived in town. It was a small, steel box, with Homtae's name scrawled in ink across the top. No one in town would touch it, said it felt of evil and darkness. Shealanne refused to look at it. It was up to Homtae to open the box, and even as he pried the lid open with long fingers he knew what he would find inside. Packed in layers of hay and ice inside the metal case was Cailnonn's head, perfectly severed and burned at the neck to stop the bleeding. It made him sick. That night, he buried his son's head hi an abandoned field, and the next morning, he left. Shealanne never knew what lay inside the metal box, and Homtae has not seen her since the morning when he kissed her goodbye as she slept. Once again he resumed his wanderings on the sea, which brought him to Forune Town, the site of the human/animal transformation experiments. He had always been facinated with the supernatural, and when offered the chance to become a supernatural being himself, he jumped. To Homtae, these experiments represented a way to wash away his old life, his old pains, and become a new being. Homtae was the oldest of the surviving subjects at 64 years old. When he realized what had happened to him, that he had been imprisoned in the body of a white-faced monkey, he was not exactly happy. Primal rage would actually before more accurate. He felt cheated and used. It wasn't until he attacked Sendren, three days after the accident, that he finally was able to let go of his blind rage. The boy Sendren reminded Homtae of Cailnonn, his lost son, with his quiet words and big feet. Homtae told Sendren of his life in Crimia, but they swore that they would never speak of their past to anyone, and from then on, they would simply be wanderers and happy out casts. Homtae had finally found what he was searching for--a fresh start.

[Edited by Zombie-Pop on Monday, June 4, 2007 10:10 AM]

[Edited by Zombie-Pop on Monday, June 4, 2007 10:34 AM]

nanuk
06/04/2007 10:59 AM


THis is a wrong presumtion on the site I go to this is totally wrong you can can sith and still be friendly and my bio is fine I have used it on several sites with no problems and this site should be no different and so i shall not change the bio.

If you look deeper into the sith code you find there is more than meets the eye (although I soudn like a fanatic I am not I just like to keep my options open) I see your presumtion is typical of many who think the sith are inherently evil which is totally wrong I have found I sith can be friendly and be approached without fear as many may think otherwise. I welcome you to the site I go on to have a first hand view of what I am speaking of.



Oh my god these run on sentences are making me feel light headed because I can't stop to take a breath or pause to get an idea of what the hell is actually being said in them so I can make sense of them but boy I can sure tell you feel impassioned about it.


Whew.

[i]Your[/i] presumptions of my presumptions are 'totally wrong'.
Where did I mention Sith are inherently evil?
Let me see... ah, nowhere, that's where.
(I also said 'A long time ago in a galaxy far far away' about the muay thai and Bushido bits, but you've managed to ignore that nicely).

[i]In fact[/i], I didn't even [b]mention[/b] the word evil, I said 'Sith aren't friendly'.
Lots of dogs aren't friendly, doesn't mean they're evil.

Although, if I [i]had[/i] said they were evil, I wonder what would have given me that impression?..
*cough*

When angered beyond normal endurance will not hesitate to kill

*cough*


But, lets face it, they usually end up evil, or evilish- or at the [i]very[/i] least, self-concerned only, an anti-social person in effect, and so not likely to have buddies.

[i]But[/i], lets just look at the tenets and code, shall we?

Peace is a lie, there is only passion.
Through passion, I gain strength.
Through strength, I gain power.
Through power, I gain victory.
Through victory, my chains are broken.
The Force shall free me.

Fear leads to anger.
Anger leads to hate.
Hatred leads to power.
Power leads to victory.
Let your anger flow through you.
Your hate will make you strong.
True power is only achieved through testing the limits of one's anger, passing through unscathed.
Rage channeled through anger is unstoppable.
The dark side of the Force offers unimaginable power.
The dark side is stronger than the light.
The weak deserve their fate.

-tenets of Sith philosophy


Oh, and don't forget-


When angered beyond normal endurance will not hesitate to kill



Those don't sound like warm and fuzzies.

In particular it stresses passion and emotion, therefore 'calm', which you also wrote and I note didn't mention above, would not be a suitable trait.

Fearful, angry, hateful people and angry angry people- which is what you [i]should[/i] be if you're following the code, are usually not very nice people, especially when they seek to fuel and focus that anger in order to gain power. Eventually you get to a point where it'll virtually consume you- that's where that whole 'falling to the dark side' bit comes in.

Sith aren't necessarily evil, true, and certainly not always in a Bond-villain way, but [i]at the most[/i] they're neutral, not good, and for power-seekers friends and close personal relationships aren't usually that high on the wishlist.

Most Sith in the Star Wars universe are not good, so if you post a warm and fuzzy one it screams Mary Sue/Gary Stu and so warrants critiquing- which, by the by, is the [u]purpose of this thread[/u], so why in the name of Saint George of the Ranch did you [b]bother[/b] posting if you didn't want feedback on it?

CandlestickJay
06/04/2007 11:10 AM


so why in the name of Saint George of the Ranch did you [b]bother[/b] posting if you didn't want feedback on it?


*stands and applauds enthusiastically* Well said, well said!

Zombie-Pop
06/04/2007 11:17 AM

I like the Saint George of Ranch fellow. And Nanuk, that was superb.
By the way, I have a sith character, I have studied the code, and you're charcter definitly has his interesting points, but just doesn't make SENSE with the code. You keep contradicting yourself.

nanuk
06/04/2007 11:21 AM

You're too kind, ladies.



I have a sith character



Join us, then... we need more apprentices for Iorlas' academy (seeing as how Jay wimped out ;))

CandlestickJay
06/04/2007 12:47 PM


Join us, then... we need more apprentices for Iorlas' academy (seeing as how Jay wimped out ;))


I didn't wimp out I just...just...

shush.

Darthwedge
06/04/2007 12:58 PM

I cant believe i missed this conversation................anyway.............Nanuk is right, Lucifer is wrong. The sith usually end up evil, i will buy someone a PS3 to anybody who can name a sith that was [b] NOT [/b] evil. I determine whether they were evil or not. And a message.

Also, a message to Lucifer, either tone down your current character or make a new one because he is basically a god. I don't see one flaw in his design. Also, don't say in your background/ bio that "not much is known about this mysterious figure" or anything similar. I hate that so much, it doesn't tell us anything about him and it is basically a cop out for "I created this character without thinking".

BUNNIES, KITTIES, PUPPIES

KeijiAurion
06/04/2007 1:06 PM


The sith usually end up evil, i will buy someone a PS3 to anybody who can name a sith that was [b] NOT [/b] evil. I determine whether they were evil or not. And a message.


Well, one could argue that Darth Vader wasn't inherently evil since he sacrificed himself for Luke...

Nah. What am I saying? >_>.

CandlestickJay
06/04/2007 1:07 PM


Well, one could argue that Darth Vader wasn't inherently evil since he sacrificed himself for Luke...

Nah. What am I saying? >_>.


Just because you can argue something doesn't mean it makes any sense.

Darthwedge
06/04/2007 1:14 PM

Yeah you could argue that vader was evil at some times while he was ok at others. I think vader is the closest thing to nice, but still, NO PS3 FOR YOU

Darthwedge
06/04/2007 1:35 PM

In the spirit of sith, i shall try my hand at one with the same sheet lucifer used. And please critique me, i can't get better without your help :). Don't be afraid of hurting me, i can take it.

Name: Darth Sivin (formally known as Hrun Baltock)

Nickname: N/A

Class: Sith Lord

Sith Rank: Sith lord

Age: 67

Gender: Male

Height: 6 feet 0 inches

Weight: 210 pounds

Eye Colour: Brown (normal) Red, yellow, gold (When deep in dark side)

Species: Human

Skin: White

Hair: Medium length brown

Homeworld: Naboo

Lightsabre: Single crimson bladed lightsaber, normal hilt. Hilt is made of electrum

Main Combat Technique: Form V and VII

Other Weapons: Oh i dont know, the force?

Strengths: Form V and VII, also very inclined in the force

Ships: Knightfall, an Action VI transport with more weapons and better engines

Appearance: A normal man. A slightly tanned white skin with brown hair and eyes. At first glance you would not see him as a sith. He blends in with a crowd and is rarely seen. He usually wears a plain black cloak and under that he wears normal jedi attire. He wears jedi attire so he looks like a jedi and, consequently, has more diplomatic access.

Personality: A strikt beleiver of darth bane's rule of two. Is currently training an apprentice whom he believes is plotting against him. This makes him very happy to know. Is not the type of man to let a fight go unfought. If someone challenges him he is the type to "Not back down" and "Fight to the death".

Force Skills:Telepathy, telekenisis, speed and jump, crush, storm (lightning), aura, rage, and many others.

Other Skills: Tactics, Sith force powers and alchemy

Background:

Not much is known about this mysterious figure (Just kidding, lol ;))

Grew up in a royal family on naboo. When he was 3 years old, a jedi came to him and asked the family if the jedi could train him for he was very strong in the force. The family, knowing that being trained as a jedi was a great honor, accepted. Then over the rest of his childhood, teen years, and begining of adulthood. He was trained and then knighted. He became so overcome with joy that he always volunteered himself for everything becaue he wanted to become a master. After training a "fluke" as another jedi called him, he became a master. His apprentice that he trained, the "fluke", was careless and stupid. Shortly after Hrun's promotion, the fluke fell to the dark side. Hrun attempted to redeem his former apprentice but was unsuccessful and was forced to kill him. This began his path to the dark side.


Tell me what you think.

CandlestickJay
06/04/2007 1:52 PM

I'm not quite as particular to detail as nanuk, but I'll see what I can do literary wise.

For one thing, when posting a bio (and I know you were just following the same sheet lucifer used) it is frankly quite frustrating when you set out each individual little detail apart. Hence the

Height:

Weight:

Skin:

Hair:

Number of toenail clippings behind his right ear:

And all of that jazz. Its boring, and does nothing for you as a writer or roleplayer. Instead, it is much more efficient and rewarding in the end, to write a detailed paragraph describing each of these features that you have listed. A list is never better than a paragraph. In a paragraph you also have a little more freedom with what you say, including similes and metaphors.

Look at Zombie's Sendren description for example. You've got skin color in there, eye color, race, hair, everything, and through that, it is much easier to get a mental picture of what this character looks like. With a list, well, it could be a brown haired brown eyed anybody. All of your list, and what went under the Appearance section, could have been put into one.

Another thing I noticed was the personality. Honestly, I do believe that not all Sith are exactly alike. However your personality description, though I do not believe your character, attempt to prove me wrong.


If someone challenges him he is the type to "Not back down" and "Fight to the death".

Nearly every sith I've seen is like this. Nothing completely wrong with that I suppose, but the very least you can do is attempt to describe it in a way that is a little less typical. Lovely little quote things are not a particularly brillant way to describe a "type" anyway.

Your history looks fine to me, except for a few minor things. Watch your capitalization please? Naboo is a planet, so capitalize it like one. You have a couple of sentence fragments in there too that burn my eyes. Like


Then over the rest of his childhood, teen years, and begining of adulthood.

It is pretty typical for a SW character though. He's very strong in the Force, the Jedi pick him up instantly and he is trained. True, it is often more difficult to have a character that ISN'T strong in the Force, so I understand why you've gone that direction, but be careful so you don't end up having a Darth Gary Stue floating around.

Hope that helps some.

nanuk
06/04/2007 2:40 PM


Well, one could argue that Darth Vader wasn't inherently evil since he sacrificed himself for Luke...


See, again, no one has said they're [i]inherently[/i] evil, they just usually end up that way.



Re DW's Sith character, I agree with what Jay said- I don't really like 'trait list' type sheets (and again I know you were working with the same one as Lucifer did). Paragraphs are much more descriptive and better at creating a mental picture.

Also here-



wears normal jedi attire. He wears jedi attire so he looks like a jedi and, consequently, has more diplomatic access.


The word Jedi used three times so closely together feels clunky. Instead of the second Jedi you could just have said 'them'.
Nice detail about the access though.


Do they have Royal families on Naboo?
I thought the Queen was 'elected'/chosen and usually only remained in office for a few years.
I know they rule for only a few years, let me see... wokieepedia is unclear- it doesn't mention a royal family but does say hereditary nobles, so maybe say from a noble rather than royal family?


After training a "fluke" as another jedi called him.... the "fluke", was careless and stupid. Shortly after Hrun's promotion, the fluke fell to the dark side.


Usually a character that has an important impact of your character's destiny should be given a name- even if they're never mentioned other than in the bio if gives them more weight and makes them an actual presence, making your character's later motivations more plausible.
And quick question- if the fluke was careless and stupid why was he allowed to be trained? Why wouldn't this have been noticed by at least one of the many masters he trained under?
It's not the falling of the apprentice to the dark side I've the problem with (it happens quite a lot in SW, doesn't it? You'd think the Jedi'd get better at spotting it, lol), only the phrasing- 'careless and stupid', it's implausible.



My points are mainly regarding style rather than creativity- when making a SW character it can be [i]very[/i] hard to avoid stereotypes (you either are 'accepted at a young age' or are 'almost rejected because you are too old to train', lol- not much choice) so I tend not to judge too harshly... *cough* unless it's called for ;)

Max
06/04/2007 3:39 PM

I will be giving a more thorough analysis of most of the character bios here probably this weekend, but I want to say something real quick in regards to the whole Sith/evil debate.

Sith [b]are[/b] evil. Let me say that again.

[b]Sith are evil![/b]

The entire reason they were created was to be evil. They use the dark side of the force, which corrupts one to ways of evil - selfish, power hungry, prone to rage, etc.

Now whether or not you may interpret those aspects as being evil, or if you try and use those same aspects to be good somehow (it can be done with a silver tongue, I assure you...I have done in a non-SW setting), in the SW setting they are evil traits. George Lucas created the Star Wars universe on these pretenses, so you can't just say "Oh yeah, and I'm the only non-evil Sith ever."

They are the antithesis of the Jedi, and Jedi are good, so therefore...?

If you want a non-evil Sith, he will no longer be Sith once he starts being 'good.' Even neutral and you won't be a Sith. Neither will you be a Jedi, by the way...you will be in between the two.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for bending the rules, but this one is pretty set in stone. For those of you who are used to D&D, think of it this way: What happens when a Paladin starts being evil?

Murloc_Hugger
06/04/2007 3:40 PM

Wow. 16 posts overnight? I need to sleep less... :P

Anyway, while we're on the subject of Star Wars RPing, here's one of my old Star Wars characters.

Name: Sticky

Male

Species: Kushiban (For those of you who have never read the Power of the Jedi sourcebook, they're small, sentient, rabbit-like creatures.)

Class: Soldier

Appearance: Sticky looks like an exaggerated rabbit, with pinkish fur, big ears, and huge green eyes. The only thing that gives away the fact that he's a mercenary is the blaster rifle slung across his back. Still, most commoners mistake him for a housepet or large rodent.

Personality: Sticky has a massive temper, and yells at just about everyone who makes him angry, which they just think is kind of cute most of the time. He aboslutely HATES it when people call him a rodent, and even more so when they make fun of him for it. Other than that, he is loyal to his true friends.

History: Sticky was born on Coruscant. During his teenage years, he picked up many of his soldier skills from things such as hunting, riding a speeder bike, and working in his friend's father's mechanical store. Once he hit adulthood, he left Coruscant to become a mercenary.

(Note: I did make this character solely because I thought it would be funny to play a Kushiban Soldier. However, Kushiban stats are actually pretty good for soldiers, if you think about it. +4 Dexterity!)

Darthwedge
06/04/2007 3:47 PM

Thank you nanuk for you help. I would have done a more in depth back ground but i was in a hurry to get to the library :) (avid reader alert) lol. If i fixed a lot of those points that you pointed out do you think that would be a RP ready character?

Darthwedge
06/04/2007 3:58 PM

Oh i forgot to answer your questions.



Do they have Royal families on Naboo?
I thought the Queen was 'elected'/chosen and usually only remained in office for a few years.
I know they rule for only a few years, let me see... wokieepedia is unclear- it doesn't mention a royal family but does say hereditary nobles, so maybe say from a noble rather than royal family?



I was unclear, i meant a noble family.


And quick question- if the fluke was careless and stupid why was he allowed to be trained?


I assumed that if he trained a failure and turned him into a success he would be granted a master title. The point there is that he became a master.

nanuk
06/04/2007 4:10 PM


I assumed that if he trained a failure and turned him into a success he would be granted a master title. The point there is that he became a master.


Well, no, the point is that you need to have a reason why, if he was a failure, he wasn't just gone lol.
Like, Obi-wan wasn't taken on as a padawan by age 13 so he was sent to be a ploughman ([i]ploughman[/i]!) in the agri-corps. Qui Gon Jinn then ended up on the same planet, having already rejected him as a padawan, and was helped in his mission by Obi-wan, where he saw the potential of the boy and decided to take him as his padawan learner.
So, it's not impossible for failures to be turned around, but giving a bit more backstory makes it more plausible.

Yeah I think if those bits were fixed it would be RP ready.

Oh crap- because I was reading your pot I missed who got hit by a truck in ER!
Darn it.




[b]Sith are evil![/b]


Just not innately ;)

Nix
06/11/2007 11:19 AM

The following character is from a story I'm writting and is intended to be used in an epic tale setting and thus is somewhat...super-super-human. So keep that in mind.

Name: Nix (for now)

Age: ~1200

Race: Human, but...(See description)

Class: Unique

Physical stuff: 6 foot, 170 lbs. Blonde hair, Hazel eyes, light skinned. Overall pretty average. Only thing that seperates him from the rest of the planet is His body temp is 100, as opposed to 98.7.

Personality stuff: Absent minded, arrogent (with justification), and patronizing when he meets someone concieted. Spending centuries as one of a handful at the direct beck and call of the closest thing to gods the universe has ever seen tends to make someone a little touchy.

History: Born average, lived average, was going to BE average for the rest of his life. Except for the plans of the ancestors of the Human race. It just so happens that now is the time when "They" reach our galaxy. It also just so happens that "Their" presence releases the latent Elemental powers of 23% of the current population of the galaxy. Fortunately (or not in Nix's opinion) he has been "gifted" with all Six elemental schools. (Told ya he was an Epic Character) As a result, he was chosen by "The Six", the only surviving members of the ancestor race, to rally the galaxy. Can he do it? Of course, gods aren't likely to make mistakes. Does he want to do it? Not really...

Edit:

In response to questions:
Fantasy or SciFi?-I'd have to say a hybrid of both. Depending on the planet and its level of tech, different actions are taken. (Sort of a UP3 from Star Ocean: Till the end of Time thing).

The other two Elements-As I wrote, I came to points where I needed to add some..."lost knowledge" as it were to advance the plot. So to accomplish this, I added two fairly mysterious Elements: Negative Energy and Dark Matter. Added to Air, Fire,Water, and Earth...that makes six.

Now to add something to the bio I hadn't realized: Our hero is, in effect, one of the "Six". Re-examining past actions and dialogue revealed that Nix re-discovered Dark matter abilities after they were banned long ago, so he is considered the "original" Dark user at this point. Even I didn't see that one coming...and its my story....odd.

Darthwedge
06/11/2007 11:26 AM

OH OH, ILL CRITIQUE!!!!! DONT GET MAD, GET GLAD!!!!!!



Class: Unique


I have a problem with this. Unique means what exactly? Be more descriptive as to WHAT is unique. I know its just a one word answer but still.



Age: ~1200


What? Does that mean he is 1200 years old? If so, how can he be 1200?


When i read it, those were the only red flags that went up. Otherwise, i think its fine.

nanuk
06/11/2007 2:50 PM

I don't really see a problem with the class- as has been mentioned before class isn't always necessarily relevant, especially as in this case the character is intended for a story.

Considering he's supposed to be 'super super human' and 'arrogant (with justification)' I'd like to know a little bit more of the [i]why[/i]- so basically a little bit more on the elemental abilities.

Nix
06/14/2007 8:03 PM

Age? See the part of being a god? It wasn't intentional...sorta played out that way as I said. An explanation would be: Nix doesn't age normally thanks to his...capacity (for want of a better word) for his abilities. Ageing happens because parts wear out, but in Nix's case there is little wear on his body because he rarely uses more than a hint of his power. He is on the run after all, and displays of power would attract...unpleasentness.

Elemental Powers? Well...think magic of an elemental nature. Fireballs, lightning bolts etc. The difference being that the power becomes stronger as it's use, like muscle. Plus there are combo attacks and every user adds his/her own twist to the basics. For instance, Nix has mastered 5 of the elements and has become a double master in one (Air) so using a combo of Fire and Air, Nix can generate a tornado of flame.

Now, Nix is arrogent because he has trained for a LOOOONG time and has refined his every technique to an art form. (What else can he do when he's "underground" for a century?)

Llor
06/15/2007 8:58 AM

Okay, Im new here, but I just want a bit of help with this character I made, so please, take a look:


Name- Llor (Never uses his last name, but its Naolin)

Title(s)- SilverHand

Age-200

Race-Elf

Appearance-Llor is actually a fairly tall elf, but if you ever saw him, you would think the opposite. He leans on a staff made of ebony, with a small knob of wood at the tip. He wears a cloak made of a strange silver material, which shimmers in the light, the same color as his hair. He normally wears his hood up, but if its down, the eyes seem to draw you. They are a pale grey, with small flecks of their original color, blue. His face matches the rest of his body. Drawn, Pale, bordering on sickly. His mouth is always either set in a hard line, or into a sarcastic, mocking smile.

Magic-Llor uses many elemental magics, but none are greater than his powers of Fire and Spiritual Energy. He combines these two to make his own creation, called Spirit Fyre, which is harder to manipulate, but is much more powerful. He does have a random assortment of other spells, but not nearly as potent.

History-Llor was raised a seemingly normal elf, born into the great house Naolin, with a knack for the magical arts. But, when he was coming close to adulthood, he helped a criminal steal a magical heirloom from his family, and the criminal (who had tricked Llor into thinking him his friend) payed him back with making him undergo a ritual (nobody knows why) that drained his physical strength, but increased his mental capacity greatly. When his family found out about all this, they banished him from their house, and so he left the elves. He has since traveled around the world, acting as a scholar, a counselor in affairs, and a mercanary.

Personality-Due to his history, Llor has become bitter in his years of wandering, convincing himself that his house colaborated with the criminal to give them an excuse to exile him, for he was better than all them. He now hates all elves, and approached every other living creature with almost the same bitterness. He looks out only for himself, and if he can get away from a situation without dying, even if it means others will die in his place, he will always take it.

So, what did you think?

nanuk
06/15/2007 12:52 PM

Welcome :)


Just a couple of comments..

There was some nice detail in there, and it was well written, but there are two parts I think maybe could be phrased differently:



is actually a fairly tall elf, but if you ever saw him, you would think the opposite


Why?
Without clarification it just reads as implausible and odd- if you had linked the following sentence (with a colon or something) then the connection could have been made between leaning on the staff and his shorter appearance, or you could just stress that he hunches to the extent that he appears diminished/diminutive.




making him undergo a ritual (nobody knows why)



Argh, the mysterious background/stranger/motivation/purpose/affliction!
I know sometimes you don't want to release all the info about your character initially, you want to spring it as a surprise in the story, but in a bio 'nobody knows why' or 'for some unknown reason' is usually enough to make other players want to pull their own nails out, lol.
You could have a fantastically detailed backstory ready to spring in the thread but writing the bio like this can just seem lazy, or that you just couldn't think of a reason- 'nobody' includes you.

Anything that's major in the character's life, and liable to have an influence on their development, you should know why it happened- all you need to do to show readers that you [i]do[/i] know is just straight out mention that it will be revealed in the story.

In the RP no-no's thread in the general talk forum in this section of the site there's a link on one of the pages (second, maybe?) to a load of [i]really[/i] bad character profiles- I'm not for a second implying that yours belongs there, lol, they're just a good larf.


So, overall quite good- in a specific setting/story it would be easy to add more background if you needed- some nice detail, so those two things I mentioned are my only quibbles.

Good!

Oh! I thought of something else- why is he call Silverhand?
Both because I'm interested, and also because if it's interesting/from a specific incident maybe it could be worked into the bio?

Llor
06/15/2007 2:14 PM

Thank you for that, Ive been looking for some critique on him for a while.

To tell you the truth, most of the stuff I wrote there, I had in my mind, but hadnt really written ALL of that down at once, so really, the thing with the (nodoby knows why) was laziness, but I think that until I find a better reason, I think I'll blame it on the criminal, called him sadistic, and with a pretty good sense of irony. Hope that works better.

And the silverhand thing, thats an event that Ive been planning to write down somewhere for a while now, about one of his big confrontations. See, one of the things Ive done with him, is Im trying to roleplay him in different places, with different people, and see how he developes. Im thinking about writing a series of short stories about him, kinda like 'The Adventures of Tom Bombadil', from Tolkien. The SilverHand thing is going to be about one of the times where he used WAY to much power then was neccesary, with the spirit fire. Basically, the way Im thinking, he made a big ball of it, resting in his hand, and when the guy turned his back, he basically punched him. I have yet to think up what brought him to this point.

Hope thats good enough!

:D

KeijiAurion
06/15/2007 8:34 PM

Ah... let's see... I've pulled out an early character sheet of one of my earlier characters... Let's see how this fares.

Name: Nerbolim Delenthrial

Age: 221 (around 22)

Race: Elf

Gender: Male

Height: 6'

Appearance: Not very muscular, but somewhat toned. He has brown hair and greenish-blue eyes. Fair faced and clean complexion. He also has a marking on his left hand because of the Draconic Curse: A symbol that he is one that a Draconi spirit cursed. It's shaped to be a dragon's fang, with symbols and ornate pictures around it.

Fighting Style: He fights the way he was trained to fight, using magic first then weaponry. Although now that he has decided to become a ranger-in-training, he might substitute that magic for his bow. Although he lacks skill in the weaponry or bow department, his magic makes up for it greatly. More of a mage than a fighter, although he can hold his own against simple enemies such as orcs or lions.

Clothing: Wears a two-piece robe that looks like a monk's robe or a mage's robe. The bottom piece is a long skirt held up by a belt that just goes over his ankles. His upper piece is a hooded tunic with his family crest on the chest. It hangs loosely over his arms, but never seems to get in the way of his movements. On his belt are many pouches, each holding either magical catalysts or potions. He has leather traveling boots, and also wears gloves as some of his catalysts may damage his skin.

Armor: Wears no armor although he does have many magical charms with him that may block damage to a certain level. His clothing is also lightly padded offering last-choice protection.

Weapons: Blue Avyuir: A holy saber that was passed down in his family. His sister has the sister saber called the Holy Avyuir. The Blue Avyuir's blade is a dark blue, like the color of the sea. If pointed at an enemy or if Nerbolim uses it to protect lives, the Avyuir will call upon it's sibling and begin giving Nerbolim abilities with the sword he could never do on his own. However, being under-average normally, he would become no better than average with the sword's enhancements. If pointed for malicious reasons, the blade turns black and absorbs the life from every living thing that touches it; hilt or blade. The sheath is strapped onto his back and is ready for quick access. He only really carries this because his sister seems to always carry the Holy Avyuir, and for show.

Bow and arrow: Because he aspires to become a ranger, Nerbolim decided to take up the bow and arrow, inspired by two of his closest friends; Eskodas and Gwidion. Although not as accurate as the two rangers, he is still better than most of the Thaian archers. He likes to enchant his arrow heads with magical properties, thus enforcing their power. The bow is held onto his back by a magical spell that bind is, and it is held vertically. The quiver is over his left shoulder, which is his shooting arm. Enchanting his arrows, however, tends to cost him a lot of energy; and it isn't something that he can do on the fly.

Staff: Has an enchanted staff with a small gem given to him by his mother on the end. The gem diminishes the magical use from his body, that is to say his spells would take a partial amount total magical power from his body than it normally would. This allows him to continue casting a long time after other mages have worn out. He also knows a great deal of fighting techniques with his staff, and it is his most proficient close combat weapon; although that isn't saying much. The staff is slung and has its own strap right beside his Avyuir. It is as tall as him, so the top end can be seen poking out, as it is strapped in diagonally

Magical Abilities: More of an offensive mage than defensive, Nerbolim knows simple to moderate healing and defensive spells. One defensive spell defies this nature, as he has mastered all the forms of the defensive shield, allowing them do deal damage to the enemies that touch them. His offensive array is quite large, and he can adapt to almost any situation because of them. He can heal for small to somewhat large amounts of health, but cannot heal multiple people like his sister can.

Weaknesses: He tends to jump into the fray, but it is evidently not where he is strongest, as his melee skills are sub-par. He is also quite vulnerable when casting large spells, and only resorts to them when in a party-like situation. Although he has and uses enchanted arrows, their usage is limited with his barely-above-average skills and he can't enchant them frequently.

Strengths: He's highly adaptable, and can cover up most needs a group might have. He is also proficient with his magic; and if he is given time to cast one of the stronger spells he knows, the effects are devastating. His arrows are also enchanted, allowing them to pierce his enemies' armor, which can make up for the lack of his ability with the bow.

Personality: Sometimes clear-headed, but he likes to find challenge in most of the things he does. Very stubborn, he is also quite foolish and rushes into things sometimes. Although, he is very chivalrous and will see to it that his friend's lives are more important than his. He also aspires to be a ranger; a sort of patrol around his lands, and is somewhat neglecting his swordplay (which he probably shouldn't) in order to become more proficient with his bow. He's not exactly a very good prioritizer.

Fremen_Druin
06/26/2007 2:27 PM

I'm posting this character D&D style, so ask questions about class, race, spells, whatever you need to know.

Name: Darathen Sparkblade

Age: 21 (although he's actually 321)

Race: Elan

Gender: Male

Height: 5'10"

Appearance: Average build. Appears to a human, except for bright red hair and light blue eyes. Clean shaven, he appears almost elvish. The only disfiguring mark is a scar in the shape of a dragon's mark.

Fighting Style: As a Duskblade, Darathen uses magic to compliment his martial ability usually casting close range spells while striking with his longsword. Blending sorcery with a warrior's skill, Darathen is a force to be reckoned with.

Clothing: Wears traveling clothes that have the appearance of a wandering merchant. He always tries to hide the fact that he is a Duskblade in town due to his reputation of attracting brawlers who think he's a fighter and greedy mages who believe he's a warmage. (Warmages are military sorcerers whos specialize in blasting spells.)

Armor: Wears Twilight scale mail with increased defense. The Twilight ability increases the capability of a spellcaster to cast spells. It glows in a sunset hued color, but when put on it becomes translucent, like amber.

Weapons: Sundering: This longsword increases a swordfighter's speed allowing more complicated maneuvers, forms, and boosts Darathen's spell usage through a telepathic link which was gained from his imprisonment. He also carries a shortbow when as a backup if a spell fails.

Weaknesses: While Darathen can prove a match for a sorcerer or a warrior, he can't fend off both. His other weakness is that he sometimes recieves headaches that imcapacitate him for hours.

Strengths: Adaptable in any situation, Darathen uses his dual role in tactics and provides relief for other party members.

History: Darathen was born a human over 300 years ago. Elves were the original Duskblades given thier proficiency with magic and swordplay. Darathen had lived with the elves ever since his home was destroyed by a ruthless warlord. After training with elves throughout most of his life, Darathen had left to go adventuring with an elf party who was going to raid a drow(dark elves that live underground) outpost. During the battle Darathen was captured by drow rangers sent by Illithids. He was imprisoned for 300 years in a stasis created by the Illithid telepaths. Somehow he was rescued, because he awoke in a druid's home. Darathen has no memory of his past life and the Illithids tortures have transformed his into an Elan. Elans have the ability to regenerate energy and resist various forms of attack. Darathen can go days without food or water due to self sustaining psionics. With his new found powers Darathen has established a connection to his sword Sundering. This allows him to sense people's intentions and ferret out enemies. His imprisonment has left him a broken man as he suffers every night a fit of headaches and seizures as his mind battles for memories.

[Edited by Fremen_Druin on Tuesday, June 26, 2007 2:29 PM]

nanuk
06/27/2007 6:46 AM

Okeedoke.

Welcome, first off! Hope you're enjoying the place.


I like the character, no major flaws, but just a couple of points... ;)


Race: Elan



In Ireland Elan is a company that specialises in Neuroscience-based biotechnology, developing treatments for pain, neurological/auto-immune diseases.
lol

As a race I'm not all that familiar with them- Psionics handbook, is it?




Appears to a human, except for bright red hair and light blue eyes.


? Humans have red hair and blue eyes- so possibly stick an 'unnaturally' in front of the bright, just to make it a little more clear, although, even then, I don't know if the hair and eyes warrant an 'except for'. Genes are incredible things ;)



appears almost elvish



This contradicts what was above- something like 'Except for unnaturally bright red hair and strangely piercing eyes he appears to be human, although his features, when clean shaven, have a slight-elvish cast to them'.

That incorporates the two but isn't as obviously jarring.



Fighting Style: As a Duskblade, Darathen uses magic to compliment his martial ability usually casting close range spells while striking with his longsword. Blending sorcery with a warrior's skill, Darathen is a force to be reckoned with.


I've just started playing my first Duskblade here, think the class looks really interesting. You've summarised the class nicely- my only [i]small[/i] twinge comes from 'a force to be reckoned with'.
It can seem a bit Mary Sue-ish- because he has the weakness of the headaches it's not too major, but just watch out for that kind of thing potentially going overboard.




He always tries to hide the fact that he is a Duskblade in town due to his reputation of attracting brawlers who think he's a fighter and greedy mages who believe he's a warmage.


Again, this reads as a little Mary Sue-ish, mainly because of the word 'reputation'. Does he, personally, have a reputation for attracting brawlers or does the class itself attract the attention? He's not the only Duskblade extant, so his-reputation-for-being-a-Duskblade-attracting-brawlers is a little unrealistic.
And it's kind of meta-gaming- when discussing D&D the merits of Duskblade vs pure Fighter/Magic-user yes, there's a lot of rowing over it, but within the world of the campaign is it as disputed? Because although only a relatively recently playable class presumably it's actually been around in the worlds for a while (e.g. they didn't just appear on Faerun etc.)

Maybe 'experience' would be a better word- it's something he's found happening in the past.

Weaknesses and strength

Okay, the history..
In itself its interesting, but there are a few parts that need a little more explanation, maybe- as it is it's okay, it would be fine in an RP, but there were a few things that I, personally, would have liked more clarification on:



ever since his home was destroyed by a ruthless warlord


In the 'future' of the character this'll give potential for expanding storylines etc.



He was imprisoned for 300 years in a stasis created by the Illithid telepaths.


Why? And why was he not just made a slave like most captives?
You mention later that he's turned into an elan so that obciously covers some of the why, but as I was reading it the first thing in my mind was 'why would they do that', and it kind of annoyed me till I read down further, lol- so maybe at this point you could just mentioned that he was kept in stasis to be experimented on, simple as that.
If you wanted to you could go into the whys of him specifically, but that might lead to him having 'mysterious untapped-potential' which again brings us to Mary Sue.



Somehow he was rescued, because he awoke in a druid's home.


Ack! Somehow, mysterious, shadowed past/stranger, inexplicably etc. are not words that should be lightly thrown into bios! lol. It just comes across as lazy- you might have a reason behind it but we don't know it.
There's no real reason for this to be unknown- 'A nearby grove of druids, affronted by the Illithid's unnatural experiments conducted a raid, freeing the captives. Darathen awoke in the home of one of these druids, with no memories of his past life, the Illithid's tortures having transformed him into an elan", that kind of thing.
A small change, but adds depth and realism.

Oh, also- he lost his memories yet retains his abilities as a Duskblade?
I know the magic using in Duskblade is more innate like a sorcerers, but it's probably likely that he wouldn't be fully able to access his previous abilities, so maybe include something in the history about slowly recovering them/them giving him an inkling of what his former life might have been, and so a path to follow to try to recover etc.


Overall though I think quite good, an interesting concept, that's ready to play.




With his new found powers Darathen has established a connection to his sword Sundering. This allows him to sense people's intentions and ferret out enemies.


[i]Aside[/i]:
Just an actual technical question, rather than relating to the bio- how does this work? I don't know anything really about the psionics' powers. Is the sword magical and then his psionic abilities allow him to access that, or is he channeling the ability through the non-magical sword? And if that's the case why do they need to channel through something?

Darthwedge
06/27/2007 7:34 AM

DOUBLE POST ALERT!!! Naughty naughty Nanuk :D lol

Anyway,


Appears to a human, except for bright red hair and light blue eyes.


Yeah, some humans have that appearance. Like Me :) except my eyes are green.

nanuk
06/27/2007 7:49 AM

What double post? :P


Connection is wiggy at the moment, takes ages to load a page so I'm never sure if it posts or not.



Yeah, some humans have that appearance. Like Me :) except my eyes are green.



Snap.
Considering we are, genetically, supposed to be a dying breed there are a lot of us around


[/end off topicness]

Dalmar
06/28/2007 5:44 PM

This is an old character of mine from an RP based on Deadlands. I created about two years ago so it may have a few gramatical errors. Putting those aside though, what do you think of the over all concept?

Name: Ukiah Mason
Age: 45 yrs.
Height: 6'3"
Weight: 153 lbs.
Hair Color: White
Eye Color: Blue
B.O.B: July 17 2049

Personality: Gruff exterior with a good heart on the inside. He's seen too much death to really care what life is. His hands are just as bloody as his enemies. Always stands up for what he believes in. He will never fight for a foolish cause. He has two rules he expects everyone to follow. Don't cross him and don't mess with his truck. Those that do can negotiate with his double barrel sawed off shotgun. So far, the shotgun has won all negotiations. "Just works out that way I guess."

Appearance: He wears a tan suede duster with darker brown leather lapels. In addition, a dark brown wide leather strip runs down either side of the coat. It is somewhat beat up and a bit dusty but he likes it just fine. Underneath the duster is a pair of dark blue jeans. Leather leggings strapped up to the thigh are over these. He wears a gray western style shirt with a red bandanna around his neck.

Distinguishing marks: The first thing one would notice is the patch over his left eye. He also has a scar on his right cheek. It starts just below the temple and ends just before his chin. The red bandanna covers a scar across his neck. On his back are twelve crisscrossing scars.

Background Story:

Dust swirled as a warm wind blew in from the north. The wind churned the strangely colored sand into small dust devils. Night was falling in the dessert. Howling screams could be heard in the distance. An eerie feeling came over the desert at night. The ghostly screams would haunt a man even after he was in a safe haven. A man walked in this desert, his keen eye taking in all his surroundings. He had a hand tucked neatly into the left side of his duster, its grip firmly clasped around the butt of a twin barreled sawed off shotgun, with his index finger resting lightly on the trigger. He walked through the place known as a Deadland. It was the worst place one could be. Some had called it Hell. "I really got myself in a mess this time." He muttered.

Ukiah had lost bets before but none quite this bad. There was only on can of fuel. He and Blackthorn both needed it for their rigs. One card draw high card wins. A bet isn't fun unless the stakes are a little higher though. Ukiah lost and was now paying the higher stakes. To walk through Deadlands during the day was bad enough. Nighttime was much worse. For one, it was hard to see anything. Firing a gun blindly in the dark at some strange noise or movement would be just plain foolish. To his surprise, the Reckonairs didn't seem to be in the mood to fight. He passed through the desert unharmed. Perhaps Lady Luck had shined on him after all. He did loose the bet though. Up in the distance toward the road was his beacon. Black Beauty's headlights lit the way to safety. It didn't bring much comfort however, he still had no fuel.

As he reached his rig he saw a note on the door of the cab. "I lied there were two cans." -Blackthorn
"That low down son-of-bitch." Ukiah grumbled. He opened the cab to find the other can sitting on the passenger seat. He grinned and climbed into the driver's seat and started up the engine. The large Diesel engine roared to life. The cab shook for a moment before settling down to a slight rumble. Ukiah reached up and grabbed a cord that drooped down. With a good pull the rigs horn sounded. He looked at the gas gage. He wasn't surprised to find it full. He checked the can on the passenger seat. It was half-full. He grinned as he reached for his CB mike. He keyed the mike and spoke. "Blackthorn, you got your ears on?"

"Well if it isn't The Immortal Ukiah Mason. I see you survived. Did you get my present?"

"That's a big ten four. That was a damn rotten trick you played though. If in I didn't know better I'd say you were trying to get me killed."

"Now why would I do something like that? If you die there'd be no one to win against You may be a survivor Ukiah, but when it comes to cards luck never shines on you. Now when you get to the Pit you'll find another can of fuel and a box of shells. I know I know, I'm a dirty rotten son-of-bitch right? This is the Blackthorn Steel Express signing out. See you in Hell old friend."

"Have a fire going when I get there." Ukiah hung up the mike and headed for The Pit.

**
The Pit was a rest stop for Road Warriors built into an old bomb crater. One might easily over look it, as only the rig drivers knew of it. The building was made of old wood found around the area. It had taken sometime but the owner of the place was able to set up trade with Junkers. They supplied lighting equipment and other various objects for food or some junk they thought might be useful. Ukiah drove his rig down the slope that led to the parking area. He killed the engine then opened the door. His boots hit hard packed earth as he walked to the entrance of bar. The bar was pretty much a large lean-to. The door was an old curtain brought by one of the Junkers. He walked in and was greeted with a warm smile.

"Ukiah! Long time no see. Blackthorn left a present for you in the back. Have a seat and I'll get your usual."

"Thanks Deb. . . How have you been?"

"I've been good. I hear Blackthorn got you good this time."

"Well darlin, it wouldn't seem right any other way would it?"

"I guess not. Hey, you know something. I just realized I know nothing about you. You never talk of your past."

"What's there to talk about?"

Debra put her hand to her chin. "Well let's see; where were you born?

"Abilene Texas."

"When were you born?"

"July 17th 2049"

"How you did you loose your eye?"

"I lost it in the war. Is all this necessary?"

"I'm just trying to get to know you that's all," She said with a slight smile.

"Well don't. I don't like talking about my past. I would be much obliged if you didn't bring it up again." He said as Deb set his plate of S.O.S and a cup of black tar on the bar top.

"Fine Ukiah, I won't bring it up again. You have to quit running sometime though.

"Yeah well, it'll be a cold day in Hell when that happens. " He said before he took a bite of his food.

Ukiah finished his meal then headed toward the exit. He stopped then walked back to the bar. He reached his right hand into his coat and pulled out a dusty and worn book. He set the book on the bar top then asked for the fuel and ammo Blackthorn had left him. Debra gave him the items then asked. "What is this Ukiah?"

"Read it and you'll understand." With that, he walked out the door. Debra heard Black Beauty's engine fire as she looked at the cover. "105th Marine Division, is this a journal?" She opened the cover and began to read.

To my brother James (If I don't make it back.)

June 10th 2075
General Carson said that this rock was discovered in 2044. I was born five years later. I can't believe I'm fighting here today. Last nights patrols were hell. The Anouks set an ambush. We were patrolling a ridge close to one of their outposts. We never saw it coming. Up until now, things have been easy. Now it's as if these guys are getting smarter. Ben, the guy I told you about in my last letter died in the fight. He used himself as a decoy so that we could get away and regroup. He ran like a mad man into the enemy outpost and opened up his Streamliner. The blast ripped a whole in the north wall and probably killed close to twenty Anouks. He tried to get away but was gunned down before he could turn around. Ben was our friend.
We went ballistic and opened up our streamliners wiping out the outpost. I never killed anyone before and now I'm a murderer. I guess the bastards deserved it though. I'm just glad I'm alive to make this entry. I hope to see you soon. My tour of duty is only supposed to last three years.

July 22nd 2075
Carson wished me happy birthday five days ago. I had forgotten all about it. The boys threw one hell of bash at the main base. It was nice to have some R&R for a change. Lisa Smarts did a little striptease for me. You remember her right? We used to tease her when we were little. Let me tell you, she certainly grew up in all the right places. I imagine it was probably good for her to let loose. Everyone has been so on edge lately. We had a guy go mad the other day. He kept yelling about the voices in his head. I don't know what they told him but it wasn't good. He opened up his streamliner on group of marines. Carson shot him on the spot. What the hell is happening here?

September 8th 2075
I didn't think I get a chance to write today. The fighting is getting worse every day. I lost my left eye in an explosion that hit near our site. We dug down in trenches fighting for our lives behind enemy lines. A magnetic storm prevented most our electronic equipment from working so we were unable to use our streamliners. Instead, we were issued M16s with banana clips. The rain that fell in that strange storm burned the skin. Anyway, after the explosion a medic pulled me out of the trench. Bombs were falling all around us. My medic took two rounds to his left arm and chest. Despite his injuries, he still got me through. I was laid up for three weeks before I could return to duty. The pain I felt that day was worse than the whip that Grayson used on me when I was little. Well it's lights out time. I'll try to write more later.

January 2nd 2076
I heard we missed Christmas and New Years today. Is it really a new year? We went on patrol today. We were lucky. It was routine. We had a few skirmishes and nothing else. Is it me or are the Anouks not fighting as much? I don't know maybe they're tired of it all. I know I am.

May 15th 2076
All hell broke loose today. A while back we received some reports about the Anouk doctors (Skinnies) working on something. We were told to deal with it when it came up. I was part of small invasion group whose job it was to infiltrate the enemy stronghold and take out one of the Anouk commanders. We never made it. Half way there, we met a small skirmish. We easily disposed of the enemy. After the fight, though two of the men seemed to be acting funny. The signs were there. Why didn't I see it sooner? When we got back to camp, the two men opened up on the men sleeping in their bunks. I had to kill them in order to stop the madness. Carson ordered us to pull out. Said the enemy knew our position. We set up a new base in a canyon about a mile from our old one. I was sent with a group of men to retrieve the dead bodies. We never leave a man behind. There were no bodies when we arrived however. It was as if they got up and walked away. There is nothing more eerie than going to a battlefield where you saw fifty to a hundred good men die and finding nothing. What could the Anouks possibly want with our dead?

August 12th 2076
Another birthday came and went. No striptease this time. Lisa had something a little more personal in mind. At least my birthdays aren't cursed. Every other day is I reckon. We fought against our own guys today. I now know what happened to the bodies that disappeared. They were now fighting against us. We're being slaughtered. This is one war I don't think we'll win. A Special Forces unit is supposed be head here soon. Some guys they call Sykers. I doubt they'll be any better but what the hell right.

November 4th 2076
I can't take this anymore. I'm tired of fighting my own, dead or living. I can't believe this all started over a damn rock. Those Sykers guys are something else. For one they're all bald, and they don't wear much combat equipment. They seem to have some sort of power that normal men don't have. I watched one them make some Anouk's head explode. Those damn sons-a-bitches are arrogant as well. They look down on us marines as if we are an inferior species. I swear, if I get another look like that again, the military will be out one Syker.

December 3rd 2076
We're shipping out today. We've been told that we're home but not because our tour is up. The fight will continue on Earth. Apparently, things have gotten really bad. There is threat of Cataclysm. Just what we need, more blood shed over some rock. Again, I'll be fighting my own. I can't say I'm looking forward to it. I hope my brother is all right. The war here isn't over. The Sykers are taking over. We can't do anything anyway. It's too risky fighting them. We lost more marines because they went mad and were gun downed by us. We should hit Earth in about three days. We get one days rest then its back to the daily grind. I have a bad feeling about this war. Something tells me we won't make it back.

Debra turned to the next set of pages only to find them missing. She closed the book and set under the bar. "You've had some life Ukiah. I wonder what else you're hiding." She said to herself.

**
Ukiah rolled down the road, what was left of it anyway while reaching into his coat and pulling out several ripped pages from his journal. He tossed the pages out the window. Some things were best left in the past.

[Edited by Dalmar on Thursday, June 28, 2007 5:45 PM]

[Edited by Dalmar on Thursday, June 28, 2007 5:46 PM]

Darthwedge
06/28/2007 5:50 PM

Nice character, that is a monster background. ;)

nanuk
06/29/2007 2:12 AM

Wow.
That was impressive.

Welcome, by the by ;)




Age: 45 yrs


Hooray! Someone who's not a teenager! lol



His hands are just as bloody as his enemies


Liked that a lot.


The only 'absence' I really noticed was in the appearance- you only described what he was wearing. I know you mention hair/eye colour at the top, and his scars later, but a little bit more personal info would have made it easier to picture him.


Other than that it was great, obviously a lot of thought and work was put into it. The history [i]was[/i] monster- maybe a little too long for some threads. It's great for showing us how he's living now but I would maybe, if there was the need for it, crop down the start a little- even though it's nicely evocative and really sets the scene it's a big chunk telling us very little about him, personally (he's tough, implaccable etc), which is more the point of a history (presumably, in an RP based on the campaign setting, people would know what the desert/life in general was like).

But that is a very small point, and not a criticism per se.
Overall very, very good.

Dalmar
07/02/2007 2:12 PM

Thanks for the comments guys. Sorry about the length, I'm still working on shorter histories for my characters. I tend to go a little overboard. I chose this profile because its one of my shorter ones. lol

nanuk
07/02/2007 4:09 PM


its one of my shorter ones


Good lord ;)

Histories are great, and important for getting into characters- so I'm not saying they should be shorter, just maybe that what you [i]post[/i] for the bio could be a little more cut down: you still know all of the detail, but people aren't going to be intimidated reading it, lol.

Anyway, threads are going to vary- some are going to have long histories, some not, you'll know yourself which is best for which thread.

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