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Totally Tasteless Jokes (May become obscene)
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TOPIC: Totally Tasteless Jokes (May become obscene)

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Avenging_Angel
RE: Totally Tasteless Jokes (May become obscene)


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Saturday June 28, 2008 3:08 PM
Two more gems from the e-mail inbox...


The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky; what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo shit. Someone stole tent."

And one a bit more on the tasteless side of things.


A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. Guaranteed like heck, he thinks to himself. But lets see what they think they can do.
He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight
loss program.

The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Well, without a second thought he takes off after her (like who wouldn't). A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure enough, he has lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his somewhat more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the company's 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. "Are you sure, sir?" asks the representative on the phone. This is our most rigorous program. "Absolutely!" says he, "I love your program. haven't felt this good in years!" The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200 pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, "If I can catch you, I can have you."

[[Edited by Avenging_Angel on Saturday June 28, 2008 3:15 PM]]
REPLY
Everywhere I go I repeat: I do not belong here.

Who will bring me hemlock in their own hands?
- Renee Vivien

Reality is an illusion that occurs with a lack of alcohol.
 Message #326832 - This was a reply to message #326668
Kalia_Majere
RE: Totally Tasteless Jokes (May become obscene)


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Saturday June 28, 2008 7:10 PM
QUOTED  "If I can catch you, I can have you."



*lolz* hehe, my mother sent me that some time ago....*sniff* I miss her obscene emails....
REPLY
There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn

by reading. The few who learn by observation.

The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence

and find out for themselves.

__________________________

It takes great wisdom to figure out this kind of stupidity.
 Message #326833 - This was a reply to message #326832
Kitiara
RE: Totally Tasteless Jokes (May become obscene)


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Sunday June 29, 2008 3:57 AM
I just shot tea out my nose.

Nice work Ava.
REPLY
Anyone you can describe as chipper is to be avoided. You never know when they'll crack. Eventually, they're gonna start gnawing on the nearest thing they can, whether it's a hood ornament or wristwatch, wrist still attached; a moment when that uniform they've made for themselves breaks down and they fall to pieces, right out of it. Give me the life-haters any day. They'll play you straight. -Oobie
 Message #326855 - This was a reply to message #326833
Silveran
RE: Totally Tasteless Jokes (May become obscene)


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Sunday June 29, 2008 4:03 AM
A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She asked, "Do you have Viagra?"

"Yes," he answered.

She asked, "Does it work?"

"Yes," he answered.

"Can you get it over the counter?" she asked.

"I can if I take two," he answered.





Arthur (Harley)Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"

Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."

God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"

"Hmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."





The manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and polite.

One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh sir, did you know that your barracks door was open." He did not understand her remark, but later on happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open.

He decided to have some fun with his new employee. Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?"

The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, "Why, no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!"
REPLY
Death before Dishonor -- Nothing before Coffee

Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione
 Message #326856 - This was a reply to message #326833
lonewolfe619
RE: Totally Tasteless Jokes (May become obscene)


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Tuesday July 1, 2008 1:57 PM
Just to throw one in the mix...

One Saturday when I finally got some time to myself I invited my father out to lunch at the mall. He agreed and we met up about two.

We got our food and sat down at a table and almost immediately I notice my father staring at some guy sitting a few tables away. The guy was dressed in all black and had multicolored, spiked hair and it didn't take long for him to get up and head for our table once he saw my father looking at him.

'You got a problem old man?' he asked when got to our table.

Without missing a beat my father replied 'Nope, but I fucked a peacock some time ago and I was just wondering if you were my son.'
REPLY
BOOOO! Did I scare you?
 Message #326894 - This was a reply to message #326856
SisqAlpha
RE: Totally Tasteless Jokes (May become obscene)

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Wednesday July 2, 2008 11:53 AM
lol

Two gay guys were walking down the beach one day and stumbled across an old lamp. After they rubbed it, a Genie popped out and said I'll grant you three wishes.

One gay said "We want to have millions of dollars! "

The genie said "Congratulations, you're both multimillionaires."

The other gay said "We want to have perfect health the rest of our days!"

The Genie said "Done. You'll both be the healthiest guys alive until the day you die."


They decided that the must think about their third wish for a bit and went home to sleep on it.

In the middle of the night they were rudely awakened when the Ku Klux Klan busted into their house, dragged them outside, threw a noose around their necks and prepared to string them up.

The second gay guy looked at his lover and said "Maybe we should use our third wish to get out of this."

The first gay guy said "We can't. I already used it when I wished we were both hung like black men."
REPLY
"Tuna and bread. Tuna and bread."-----

"Fuck tuna and bread. Star Trek is on."
-------------------------------------------------
"If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn't thinking." ~George S. Patton
 Message #326976 - This was a reply to message #326894
TheShadowlord
RE: Totally Tasteless Jokes (May become obscene)

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Thursday July 3, 2008 2:29 AM
Lonewolf's joke doesn't really work, since the peacock is the male bird.
The female is called peahen
REPLY
I feel happy...I feel happy!

"I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours."
- Stephen Roberts
 Message #326996 - This was a reply to message #326976
Kitiara
RE: Totally Tasteless Jokes (May become obscene)


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Thursday July 3, 2008 3:11 AM
Way to suck the fun out of life, Shadowlord.

I don't think we really care.

How many blonde jokes are there?

One. The rest are all true stories.
REPLY
Anyone you can describe as chipper is to be avoided. You never know when they'll crack. Eventually, they're gonna start gnawing on the nearest thing they can, whether it's a hood ornament or wristwatch, wrist still attached; a moment when that uniform they've made for themselves breaks down and they fall to pieces, right out of it. Give me the life-haters any day. They'll play you straight. -Oobie
 Message #326997 - This was a reply to message #326996
tassanaburrfoot
RE: Totally Tasteless Jokes (May become obscene)


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Thursday July 3, 2008 8:00 PM
A Jew, a Greek, and an Irishman all die. They are told that in order to get through the pearly gates, they must walk down this long corridor and pass three tests. If they don't pass these tests, they go straight to hell.

So, they are all thinking, "Well, this is easy!"

As they are walking down the hall, they come across a bar. The Irishman decides to stop for a drink... and goes to hell.

The Jew and Greek look at each other, shrug, and keep walking. They walk a bit further until the Jew sees a dollar bill on the ground, as he bends down to pick it up, the Greek goes to hell.



~~

A horny husband is helping his wife register an account on the internet. She asks him for a password. As a joke, he types in the word "penis." She falls out of her chair laughing when the computer comes back and says, "Not long enough."
REPLY
Slytherin Pride


W.W.D.D.


You are never too young to die nor too old to live. ~Me!


"Infinity is hard to grasp when I'm born destined to die." ~Lich-Nexus


"Hope is the dream of a waking man." ~Aristotle
 Message #327013 - This was a reply to message #326997
The_Unknown
RE: Totally Tasteless Jokes (May become obscene)

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Thursday July 3, 2008 11:06 PM
I see those jokes are accepted here so here goes nothin'.

A Canadian, an American, and an Asian person are on a boat and are sinking due to the weight of the cargo, so they decide to throw some stuff off board.

The Asian person throws away rice because he could get plenty from his homeland, the American person throws away a McDonald store because he could get plenty from his homeland, and finally the Canadian person throws all of them off board because he could get plenty from his homeland.
REPLY
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it
 Message #327017 - This was a reply to message #327013

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