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Totally Tasteless Jokes (May become obscene)
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TOPIC: Totally Tasteless Jokes (May become obscene)

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Silveran
RE: Totally Tasteless Jokes (May become obscene)


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Sunday August 26, 2007 6:09 AM
What's green and red and smells like pork?

Kermit's Finger.

___

An Irish scientist working with a frog.
He cut off it's front left leg. Tells it to jump and it jumps.
He cut off it's front right leg. Tells it to jump and it jumps.
He cut off it's back left leg. Tells it to jump and it jumps.
He cut off it's back right leg. Tells it to jump and it doesn't jump.
Conclusion:- After cutting off all the frog's legs, frog loses it's hearing!

___

A 10pm curfew was imposed in Belfast. Everybody had to be off the streets or risk being shot. However one citizen was shot at 9:45pm.
"Why did you do that?" the soldier was asked by his superior officer.
"I know where he lived," the soldier replied, "and he wouldn't have made it!"
___

One misty morning a guy was driving through the Scottish hills to Inverness. Suddenly out of the mist, a huge red highlander stepped into the middle of the road. The man was about six foot four and built like a brick shithouse. He had a huge red beard and despite the wind, mist and near freezing temperature, he was wearing only his kilt and tweed shirt.
At the roadside there was also standing a young woman. She was absolutely gorgeous, slim, shapely and with a fair complexion. Suddenly the car driver's attention is dragged from the girl, when the highlander open's his car door and drags him from the seat, onto the road.
"Right, Yew!" the highlander shouted, "I want you to masturbate!"
"Bbbuttt...." screamed the driver, stammering.
"Now!" shouted the highlander, "Or I will bloody kill yew!"
So the driver turned his back on the girl, dropped his trousers and started to wank until he eventually came all over the road.
"Right!" shouted the highlander, "Do it again!"
"Bbbbuuuuttt......." stammered the driver again.
"Now!" shouted the irate highlander, "Or I will beat yew to death!"
So the driver wanked himself off again and came all over the road.
"Right, do it again!" repeated the highlander.
This went on for over two hours. The driver had cramps in both his arms, he had rubbed himself raw, and despite the mist and rain and freezing wind, he collapsed in a sweating gibbering heap on the ground.
"Do it again!" screamed the highlander.
"I can't do it anymore," gasped the driver, "You will just have to kill me!"
The highlander looked down at the pathetic heap on the ground, slumped at the roadside.
"Aie right laddie," he said, "Now yew can give me daughter a lift to Inverness!"

___

An Englishman, American and an Arab were sitting in a bar one day talking about their families.
The Englishman said, "I have ten kids at home and if I have another one then I will have a full soccer team!"
"Well," said the American, "I have 15 kids at home and if I have another one I will have a football team!"
"But," said the Arab smiling, "I have 17 wives at home and if I have another one I will have a golf course!"
___

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl,  Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? She giggles and shyly replies, Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger. St. Peter says,  Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? The girl is a little reluctant but replies, Well, once I fondled and stroked one. St. Peter says,  Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St.Peter says, Reeva, What seems to be the rush? The girl replies, If Im going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it.

___

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I cant figure out how to get it started.

Her boyfriend asks, What is it supposed to be when its finished?

The blonde replied, According to the picture on the box, its a tiger.

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, First of all, no matter what we do, were not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.

He takes her hand and says, Second, I want you to relax. Lets just have a nice cup of tea, and then .. He sighed& Well put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box&

___

How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

___

A couple walked into a tourist shop in Jamaica. The Jamaican said to them, I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didnt need them, being the sex God he was.

The husband asked the man, How could sandals make you into a sex freak? The Jamaican replied, Just try dem on, Mon. So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadnt seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaicans hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming, You got dem on the de wrong feet man! You got dem on de wrong feet!

___

When in Greece, how do you separate the men from the boys?
With a crowbar.

___


How does every ethnic joke start?
By looking over your shoulder!
REPLY
Death before Dishonor -- Nothing before Coffee

Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione
 Message #320077 - This was a reply to message #320073
SisqAlpha
RE: Totally Tasteless Jokes (May become obscene)

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Sunday August 26, 2007 3:08 PM
QUOTED  How does every ethnic joke start?
By looking over your shoulder!


ROFLMAO! Oh how true.



Two blondes were walking down the road when they came across a set of tracks.
"These are deer tracks!" the first blonde exclaimed.

"No, they're elk tracks." argued the second.

They stood there arguing back and forth for quite a while, right up until the train hit them.
-------

What are three of the greatest Polack inventions?

1. Pinless hand grenades.
2. A submarine with a screen door.
3. A helicopter with an ejection seat.

-------

One day a Lady sent her son down to the corner market for some nacho cheese.
He came back with a block of swiss and she told him "This isn't nacho cheese."

He said "That's not what the black lady at the market said."

"What do you mean?" his mother asked.

"Well, when I grabbed it out of her cart, she started yelling, That's not yo' cheese! That's not yo' cheese!"
REPLY
"Tuna and bread. Tuna and bread."-----

"Fuck tuna and bread. Star Trek is on."
-------------------------------------------------
"If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn't thinking." ~George S. Patton
 Message #320086 - This was a reply to message #320077
StoicFervor
RE: Totally Tasteless Jokes (May become obscene)

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Sunday August 26, 2007 5:02 PM
QUOTED  What are three of the greatest Polack inventions?

1. Pinless hand grenades.



Lol, I always though it was nuclear hand grenades. They made quite a bang at the exhibition...
REPLY
'Sic vis pacem para bellum'

Sometimes I aim to please, other times I shoot to kill.

"Enemies are the price of honour."

"Now, we must all fear evil men. But there is another kind of evil which we must fear most, and that is the indifference of good men."

Honesty might be the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
 Message #320087 - This was a reply to message #320086
nanuk
RE: Totally Tasteless Jokes (May become obscene)

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Monday August 27, 2007 4:45 PM
A visual tasteless joke at 1:38
REPLY
"Just imagine the headlines 'Howard Moon, Colon, Explorer'. Got a ring to that don't it?"

"Colon Explorer?"

"You know what I'm saying."
 Message #320106 - This was a reply to message #318826
Darthwedge
RE: Totally Tasteless Jokes (May become obscene)

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Tuesday August 28, 2007 4:11 PM
Let it be known that all people who post in this thread, are going to hell.
REPLY
Peace is but a shadow of death, desperate to forget its painful past. Though we hope for promising years, after shedding a thousand tears, yesterday's sorrow constantly nears. And while the moon still shines blue, by dawn it will turn a scarlet hue....

-Kuja FF9
 Message #320138 - This was a reply to message #320106
SisqAlpha
RE: Totally Tasteless Jokes (May become obscene)

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Tuesday August 28, 2007 4:16 PM
QUOTED  Let it be known that all people who post in this thread, are going to hell.



I'll see you there DW
REPLY
"Tuna and bread. Tuna and bread."-----

"Fuck tuna and bread. Star Trek is on."
-------------------------------------------------
"If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn't thinking." ~George S. Patton
 Message #320139 - This was a reply to message #320138
StoicFervor
RE: Totally Tasteless Jokes (May become obscene)

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Wednesday August 29, 2007 6:27 PM
QUOTED  Let it be known that all people who post in this thread, are going to hell.



Pfft...tell me something I didn't know. I'm just trying to secure a nice, warm seat, preferably right over the kitchen stove. I'm also thinking of starting up an ice importation/air conditioning business. Don't worry, I'm sure I can buy off the Lord of Darkness.
REPLY
'Sic vis pacem para bellum'

Sometimes I aim to please, other times I shoot to kill.

"Enemies are the price of honour."

"Now, we must all fear evil men. But there is another kind of evil which we must fear most, and that is the indifference of good men."

Honesty might be the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
 Message #320167 - This was a reply to message #320139
TheCritch
RE: Totally Tasteless Jokes (May become obscene)

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Thursday August 30, 2007 11:12 AM
QUOTED  What's so great about fucking a five year old girl?
Flip her over and she's a five year old boy.


That is the only joke that has actually made me shudder...

Anyway...

Micky Mouse and Minny are getting a divorce, so when they go to the court room to go through the final motions the judge asks Mickey.
"Why have you decided to leave Minny?"
Mickey replied "Because she's fucking goofy!".
The judge looks puzzled and says "You want to leave your wife because she's silly?".

Mickey rolls his eyes and says "No she's been fucking Goofy!!!"
REPLY
You're pregnant with all that space,
Filled with honey,
When you're ripe you'll bleed out of control
 Message #320200 - This was a reply to message #319250
ZombieKiller13
RE: Totally Tasteless Jokes (May become obscene)

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Thursday August 30, 2007 7:34 PM
QUOTED  Let it be known that all people who post in this thread, are going to hell.

Oh I know that. I've been told that many times before but at least it will be nice and warm.

What's red and goes round and round?
A baby in a garbage disposal.

What's more fun than stapling babies to a wall?
Ripping them off again.

Why do you unload a truck full of babies with a pitchfork?
So you can tell which ones are still alive.

What's the difference between a dead baby and a peanut butter cup?
The dead baby won't stick to the roof of your mouth.

How do you know when a baby is a dead baby?
The dog plays with it more.

What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?
When you jump on a trampoline, you take your boots off.

and finally

How do you make a dead baby float?
Take your foot off of it's head.

There that's enough for now.
REPLY
There's no use crying over every mistake. You just keep on trying till you run out of cake. = Still Alive - GLaDOS - Portal

If he gets up we'll all get up! It'll be anarchy! - Bender - The Breakfast Club

"Any society that would give up a little liberty to gain a little security will deserve neither and lose both." - Benjamin Franklin
 Message #320213 - This was a reply to message #320200
Darthwedge
RE: Totally Tasteless Jokes (May become obscene)

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Tuesday September 25, 2007 3:43 PM
Thought I would revive this thread, just because I heard a good/bad one today.

How do you get 10 babies in a cereal bowl?
Blender

How do you get them out?
Potatoe chip


Hehe
REPLY
Peace is but a shadow of death, desperate to forget its painful past. Though we hope for promising years, after shedding a thousand tears, yesterday's sorrow constantly nears. And while the moon still shines blue, by dawn it will turn a scarlet hue....

-Kuja FF9
 Message #320982 - This was a reply to message #320213

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