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Into Forever
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TOPIC: Into Forever

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Lia
Into Forever
Member Since:
    October 2012


Initiare
RK: 1
MP: 5


RPGC MAIL USER ADD USER TO BUDDY LIST
Saturday October 6, 2012 12:03 AM
((Age: 13- remember when CCing Thanksss! P.S: I use ' as speech marks if ure confused hehe)

Prologue Poem:
The mirror reflects us,
Whether you love or lust,
Whether you ignore or hate,
Whether you get up early or late,
The mirror knows you,
The mirror only knows true;
Whether you are happy or sad,
Whether you are a lass or a lad,
Whether you are mean or kind,
The mirror knows what's on your mind.

Chapter One:
I know they are coming but I also know I am protected by the air. The air that surrounds me makes me think that I'm as free as it. I can go anywhere If I wanted to. I just have to spread myself out.

'Scarlet, run!' Were the words he had said to me. I now know that I should've listened. If I had of then I wouldn't be in my current situation. I am isolated in myself but am as free as the birds.
'Scarlet.' I turn to Joe, my mentor and guide.
'I'm sorry I couldn't do it. Please Joe... I don't...' Tears well my eyes.
'It's in the past Scarlet. Now, all you should know is that I am here.' He hugs me with such comfort that I let out a grin of joy.
'So...' I start. 'Should we do it?'
'Yes, my lady!' And with that Joe tosses me into his arms and I burst out laughing.
'Let's run...' I start. 'I don't care if it goes into forever, just as long as we run.' I smile.
'Yes.'

(If you like the first chapter I'll post the second chapter... If not then I won't post more lol... I do very short chapters!)
REPLY
 Message #341328
Silveran
RE: Into Forever


Contributor: Gold: This member has donated over $50 to the RPG Consortium. Master Sweeper: The member that got voted as a master sweeper during a sweepsweek.

Member Since:
    May 2000


Ordo Ignis: Novice
RK: 12
MP: 5,919


RPGC MAIL USER EMAIL USER VISIT USER HOMEPAGE VIEW USER REGISTRY ADD USER TO BUDDY LIST
Sunday October 7, 2012 10:02 AM
Just a few minor critiques.

For readability:

1.) Use standard punctuation, spelling, and capitalization. " is for speech. If your speaker is quoting another person, then you use ' for the quote within the speech; by doing so, you will never have to explain yourself. As an English teacher friend put it: "When you are an established poet or writer, then you can have quirky form. e.e. cummings can avoid capitals, but that's because he's famous."

Ex: Jane said, "Remember what Socrates warned 'The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.' If you forget that, you will just be a fool."

2.) If you are not indenting before a paragraph, then you need another break between paragraphs. Any new speaker in a conversation is a new paragraph.

3.) If you are breaking up speech, then put the actions in this break, unless you are going to write a longer paragraph after the speech.

4.) Avoid passive voice when talking in the first person. More words in a sentence, which do not add to the story or scenery, is just wasted space.

So, to reformat part of your post to fit these rules:

QUOTED  "Scarlet, run!" were the words he had said to me. I now know I should've listened. If I had, then I wouldn't be in my current situation. I am isolated in myself, but am as free as the birds.

"Scarlet." I turn to Joe, my mentor and guide.

"I'm sorry I couldn't do it. Please Joe... I don't..." I say, as tears well my eyes.

"It's in the past, Scarlet. Now, all you should know is I am here." He hugs me with such comfort that I let out a grin of joy.

"So," I start. "Should we do it?"

"Yes, my lady!" With that, Joe tosses me into his arms and I burst out laughing.

"Let's run..." I start, and then smile "I don't care if it goes into forever, just as long as we run."

"Yes."


Also, just post as much as you like and are comfortable with posting. First, you'll get some good critique of your writing. Two, honestly, there's not enough happening in this chapter for us to say if we like it or not.

[[Edited by Silveran on Sunday October 7, 2012 10:05 AM]]
REPLY
Death before Dishonor -- Nothing before Coffee

Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione
 Message #341336 - This was a reply to message #341328

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