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TOPIC: An Open Letter To The Sandy Claws | |
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| Avenging_Angel |  An Open Letter To The Sandy Claws |
  Member Since: July 2003  RK: 12 MP: 5,933      | Thursday December 24, 2009 2:44 PM Dear Santa Claus,Well, here we are. Another year, another so-called "festive" season. Every year it comes around, not entirely unlike a stubborn case of herpes, except instead of oozing blisters social rejection, we get depleted bank accounts and shrieking children gone rabid from the overdose of sugar smeared across their grubby faces. The social rejection is reserved for those who are non-Christian, opposed to rampant commercialism, or simply don't give a damn. You are likely surprised to see a missive from me, a lifetime opponent of your obnoxious festivities. Indeed, I'm surprised, even horrified (and mildly nauseated) to find myself writing this. As a Jew, opponent of out-of-control consumerism, and overall Grinch, I've never had much time for you or your associated nonsense. Of all the winter holidays, yours is the only one I find particularly odious. Hanukkah is the best eight nights of my family every year, a maniacal orgy of dreidel, fried food, kosher wine, and religious pyromania, something I have nothing but enjoyment and fondness for. Other winter holidays don't bother me - I've proudly bought, displayed, and danced with a Festivus pole (no tinsel; I find it distracting), attended a Kwanzaa party, drunk champagne at midnight on New Years for most of my life, and even enjoyed a neopagan celebration of Yule - you know, the holiday Christmas was back before the Church and Hallmark effectively drained it of all meaning and significance. The only good thing I've found about Christmas is that it's the best excuse to get drunk to be found between Hanukkah and New Years. Really, of all the holidays in the year, I don't think any annoys me more than this. Valentine's Day and Easter come close, but Valentine's Day's season is much more short-lived, while Easter fails to completely take over the entirety of our society like you do. It's gotten to the point where you're even horning in on the time of year usually reserved for Halloween, with tinsel and mistletoe invading my sanctuary of cobwebs and bats before the day is past. Thanksgiving has long ago been consumed by your all-pervading aura, and is merely a shell of itself, what little attention it receives effectively foreplay for the orgiastic holiday season to come. Music, television, everything reverts to twinkly lights and squealing elves once the calendar turns over to November 1st. (though never any good ones - but my choice in holiday viewing entertainment runs more to the Nightmare Before Christmas, the Ref, the Hebrew Hammer, and the closest I get to a wholesome Christmas film is A Christmas Story, so I may be biased) And, if you criticize this, one can expect to be instantaneously branded a cold-hearted, soulless fiend with no concept of the true meaning of family or celebration - in short, a hideous Grinch. While we're at it, what's so wrong with being a Grinch? The poor bastard tries to mind his own business, carrying on as he would away from the rest of Who society, but the Whos can't stand that and insist on being so obnoxious in their obsession with the day that he can't get a moment's peace. In the end, he's forced to assimilate into their fetish for tinsel and the "spirit". Way to go, Doc Seuss - you just justified countless generations of carolers and religious groups attempting to pressure everyone else into celebrating. And in turn, while most people have deep-seated nostalgia for the day, I get blank looks when I try and explain my distaste. After all, how do you go about explaining to them that Christmas meant nothing in your childhood but miserable family reunions and the constant feeling of being violently assaulted by a society that could care less about your own culture and practices? A society embodied by the afore-mentioned family, intent on having you attend Christmas parties where they do little but level thinly-veiled criticisms at anyone who'd possibly prefer any other holiday? Or how every year, the holiday season seems to foreshadow the death of some beloved relative, as if the energy of the season were just too much for them? Merry Christmas indeed. But, you know what? I'm putting this all to one side. For this year, anyway. From now until New Years, I'm going to do my best to repress all my usual Grinch urges - I won't make jokes about an overweight pedophile sliding down everyone's chimney in search of free booze. I'll attempt to refrain from all those furry porn jokes involving Rudolph that are why one of my sisters wouldn't speak to me for a month. I won't use Christmas lights as fashion adornments, I won't hump the tree, and I'll do my best not to have so many eggnog cocktails that I throw up in a Christmas stocking. (no promises on that last one, though) Don't get me wrong, fat man - there will never be any friendship between you and me. You're still an annoying obstacle between me and the joy of a new year and fresh start. You still continuously screw all other winter holidays up the ass with your blatant commercialism and pretentious claims to being a day for family. You want a day for family? How about celebrating the victory of an oppressed people against overwhelming odds, in a desperate struggle I choose to think looked a hell of a lot like 300? Or, even, the simple celebration of the solstice - there are worse things you could teach the kiddies than to respect nature, and the delicate balance of life that is sustained by our sun. I'll let that slide for this year, though. You gave me - and my dirty, hippie, jew-loving family - a hell of a present, even if it was one day early. (Been getting into the sherry early this year, eh?) While I can't stand just about everything you stand for, giving us all something high on our wish lists was something I appreciate. I don't know exactly what favors you had to offer (presumably involving Rudolph and Mrs. Claus) to get this done, and I really, really don't want to know - but somehow, you got my brother out of Iraq and home again. After Uncle Sam managed to keep him stuck over there for the better part of the year, looking to be doing overtime, you managed to kick (or more likely, lubricate) the wheels of our bureaucracy, resulting in all of us waking up this morning to an e-mail from the prodigal son announcing he was sitting in a New York airport waiting for his connecting flight to Minneapolis. I'll give you this much, Fatty HoHo - you get things done fast. So, you're still a dick. I don't like you. I don't like your holiday, and I especially don't like your supporters. But even a card-carrying Grinch such as myself can appreciate the teary phone call of pure excitement from my mother in the hospital, or the semi-hysterical glee of his girlfriend who was looking forward to a holiday season alone. For that, I'll call it a truce. I'll keep the bitterness to myself, and try to drown the off-color pedophilia comments in my wine. This is a one-time deal, buddy, so you better savor getting this much out of me. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have someone I need to go talk to for the first time in a very long time. Merry Christmas. [[Edited by Avenging_Angel on Thursday December 24, 2009 2:49 PM]]  "Life is pain, highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something." I can kill 'cause in god I trust. |
| Nix | RE: An Open Letter To The Sandy Claws |
 Member Since: January 2005  RK: 2 MP: 307 | Thursday December 24, 2009 3:11 PM Wow. There's so much going on here I'm going to have to categorize my responses:On the return of the prodigal son: Enjoy the hell out of your family, you never know how many you'll lose in the course of a decade... On X-mas commercialism: Go commercialism! Hopefully the Christians will get a taste of their own stealing-holidays-to-impress-the-masses medicine. I don't really care if X-mas is turning into a consumer orgy, I like the shiny lights all over town. On those who over-spend: Morons. All of them. I know its hard to say "no" to a child, but being an adult means making the tough choices. -This message brought to you by Nix, Mercenary to the Grammar Nazi regime My gaming groups new motto: Wet the Sock! (Not as dirty as it sounds) |
| tassanaburrfoot | RE: An Open Letter To The Sandy Claws |
 Member Since: February 2003  RK: 9 MP: 2,884 | Friday December 25, 2009 9:02 AM *Laughs hysterically* Well said, Angel! Well said!Congratulations on your brother. Glad to see he's able to spend Christmas with his family. That's more than can be said about many people, I know. Quick question: Would you mind it so much if I emailed your letter to a few of my friends? They'd get such a kick out of it. Slytherin Pride W.W.D.D. You are never too young to die nor too old to live. ~Me! "Infinity is hard to grasp when I'm born destined to die." ~Lich-Nexus "Hope is the dream of a waking man." ~Aristotle Inuyasha (c) Rumiko Takahashi. Drawing (c) Me |
| Lunitari0 | RE: An Open Letter To The Sandy Claws |
  Member Since: April 2002  RK: 15 MP: 8,969 | Friday December 25, 2009 9:12 AM This. This is why we are Sisters. *Laughs* Made my morning, this did. Welcome back!  "Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love." Lao Tzu My LiveJournal Avatar is my elven mage, Selinthansa Evenstar-Darktime, done by Tassanaburrfoot |
| Unbeliever | RE: An Open Letter To The Sandy Claws |
  Member Since: September 2005  RK: 8 MP: 2,478 | Friday December 25, 2009 8:52 PM Great news, once again. Glad you were able to get something that great for your holiday. *hugs* |
| Avenging_Angel | RE: An Open Letter To The Sandy Claws |
Member Since: July 2003 RK: 12 MP: 5,933 | Thursday December 31, 2009 8:47 AM Thanks for all the kind wishes, guys.(and gals)Well, it's New Years, and I've kept my "resolution". It was painful at times, but HoHo got his due. God's honest truth, that. No! I hate you! And all the people you would send it to!  Of course you can, silly.*takes a bow* And thanks, though I was never really gone. Just busy lurking. "Life is pain, highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something." I can kill 'cause in god I trust. |
| tassanaburrfoot | RE: An Open Letter To The Sandy Claws |
Member Since: February 2003 RK: 9 MP: 2,884 | Friday January 1, 2010 7:16 AM *Giggles* Awesome! I really gotta get back on MSN so we can chat. Well, that is ~if~ MSN would let me. *Shakes head* I miss you sooo much! Slytherin Pride W.W.D.D. You are never too young to die nor too old to live. ~Me! "Infinity is hard to grasp when I'm born destined to die." ~Lich-Nexus "Hope is the dream of a waking man." ~Aristotle Inuyasha (c) Rumiko Takahashi. Drawing (c) Me |
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